#aiws

Aw, hullucinating again. At least it's not the Shadow People™ again.

I relate to characters like Discord (MLP) and Caine (TADC) because they reflect how reality feels to me: my brain shows shifting colors, distances, and sizes (AIWS). My body and unconscious feel like teammates, and although hallucinations (somatic, trauma and sleep related), migraines and some symptoms can be very difficult, these experiences are also things I wouldn't want to lose. (I do want to heal from health issues! just not stop how fluid reality is to me). I feel in a way I'm forced to be happy because it's all a closed cycle of emotions too, but I am happy for real. I think they would understand this feeling.

I also don't understand social things, and can't. Like how things have 3 different secret meanings to everybody, or how a card works, because I grew up outside of this "normalcy", in an "abusive environment", and they told me society was the safety of that, but to me society is just as abusive and just, scary and not good. Instead, things changing color make me safe.

The problem is, I'm scared that at some point it'll get out of control. I'm especially scared of the afterlife and not knowing who I'm really talking to anymore. I'm scared of suddenly ceasing to exist.

I wish I could talk to Caine and Discord about it. I wish they'd say something funny and calm me down. But it's impossible and it really hurts.

Alice In Wonderland Syndrome

My hands are very small

I feel very small, I feel very big

Things are very big, Things are very small

Time is fast, Time ia slow

like, where are you going?🤨