#aiws

I relate to characters like Discord (MLP) and Caine (TADC) because they reflect how reality feels to me: my brain shows shifting colors, distances, and sizes (AIWS). My body and unconscious feel like teammates, and although hallucinations (somatic, trauma and sleep related), migraines and some symptoms can be very difficult, these experiences are also things I wouldn't want to lose. (I do want to heal from health issues! just not stop how fluid reality is to me). I feel in a way I'm forced to be happy because it's all a closed cycle of emotions too, but I am happy for real. I think they would understand this feeling.

I also don't understand social things, and can't. Like how things have 3 different secret meanings to everybody, or how a card works, because I grew up outside of this "normalcy", in an "abusive environment", and they told me society was the safety of that, but to me society is just as abusive and just, scary and not good. Instead, things changing color make me safe.

The problem is, I'm scared that at some point it'll get out of control. I'm especially scared of the afterlife and not knowing who I'm really talking to anymore. I'm scared of suddenly ceasing to exist.

I wish I could talk to Caine and Discord about it. I wish they'd say something funny and calm me down. But it's impossible and it really hurts.

Alice In Wonderland Syndrome

My hands are very small

I feel very small, I feel very big

Things are very big, Things are very small

Time is fast, Time ia slow

like, where are you going?🤨

last night I was talking to The Voices™️ (aka my headmates) about what their favourite trinket was and how I should create my headspace, and as I would talk to each of them I felt my body shifting in size (when I talked to princess my body would feel like it’s shrinking, when I talked to ruby my body would grow) and it got so much worse when I talked to Something.

it legit felt like I was growing and shrinking and the body parts were growing and shrinking and extending and it was so weird—it was like someone was playing with the customization options of my body (like when you get to customize your character at the beginning of a video game and you can choose your size and how big you want certain body parts to be).

this continued for probably 20 minutes even after I stopped talking to Something (give or take, my time perception goes out of wack when I get these episodes), and it was honestly really weird. when I get these episodes it’s normally one body part or my whole body (usually it’s my hands that increase in size, or me feeling like I’m way taller/bulkier than I actually am), but this time nothing was safe from my hallucinations. I also heard random super quiet whispers, which was definitely unpleasant

also I don’t see nearly enough representation for people with AIWS… I wish I had more folks to connect to over this weird condition