╱ 𝒄𝒊𝒏𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒐𝒏 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍 .

“ i thought this is what you wanted — the whole non - exclusive thing? ”

“  i  said  i  don’t  do  girlfriends.  ”  and  that  was  as  much  for  her  sake  as  it  was  for  his.  he  didn’t  need  the  public  sniffing  around  in  his  business,  internet  sleuths  digging  too  deep.  and  how  exactly  would  it  benefit  her  to  go  instagram  official  with  club  owner,  knowing  how  strict  of  a  program  they  were  running  on  her  end.  “  where  in  that  did  i  ever  say  you  could  come  into  my  club  and  do  all  but  fuck  someone  else  right  in  front  of  me  ?  ”

" i'm not going to let anything hurt you. "

you  already  have,  she  wants  to  say,  but  like  all  the  others  decides  to  keep  it  to  herself.  what’s  done  is  done,  after  all.  “  if  i  say  yes  …  ”  she  lifts  her  gaze  to  meet  his,  “  you’ll  be  the  one  standing  outside  ?  ”  jolie  had  heard  the  horror  stories.  knew  why  none  of  the  other  girls  wanted  to  entertain  this  particular  client.  which  had  to  be  why  he  was  coming  to  her,  seeing  as  she  was  new  and  had  more  to  prove.  

" he was bothering you. " more so that was the version he had twisted up in his mind to distract from the fact that he cared, with the emotion feeling like an axe in his chest. her being bothered meant he was just being of assistance. he wasn't interested in the truth of it all, knowing it would ultimately just be another strike at the wounded ego that came with feeling discardable to her. " that's why you're here with me instead of taking care of him. " muttered as fingertips drum across the worn leather of the steering wheel, " don't know why you wasted your time with that. "

she  rolls  her  head  against  the  back  of  the  seat  to  look  at  him.  “  i  don’t  remember  saying  that.  ”  didn’t  remember  saying  a  lot  of  things  he  used  to  justify  his  actions,  but  had  never  really  seen  the  point  in  arguing  with  them.  especially  since  she’d  never  liked  any  of  the  guys  who  had  shown  her  interest  in  the  past.  it  just  so  happened  that  tonight,  she  was  enjoying  the  attention  until  he  stepped  in  and  soured  it.  “  yeah,  i’m  sure  me  not  having  a  license  has  nothing  to  do  with  that.  ”  even  if  she  did,  she  couldn’t  afford  a  car.  they  were  barely  making  ends  meet,  and  by  they  she  meant  just  her.  like  most  times  in  her  life,  her  dad  was  between  jobs.  another  failed  drug  test.  it  was  exhausting.  she  was  exhausted.  turning  her  attention  back  to  the  road,  she  lets  his  words  linger  in  the  air  a  bit  longer  before  murmuring,  “  you  don’t  even  know  him,  reece.  ”

it's past midnight and she shouldn't be here, but she can't sleep-- hasn't slept in two days, and it's eroding her decision making ability, destroying what little impulse control she has left. she isn't sure why she's here, maybe because he's the only person she's ever managed to fall asleep with (even if the very first time was from sheer exhaustion in the middle of a group project) or because she misses him. neither answer sits well with her. it doesn't occur to her that there might be someone else here until he opens the door, slightly ruffled but generally disturbingly perfect in a way that almost guarantees the rumours of his family's history of inbreeding. she on the other hand looks like an escaped carnie. she's in a dinosaur onesie-- one with tiny shorts, and a hood that she wears up, so it looks like her and her cloud of curls are currently in the mouth of barney's second cousin. she looks ridiculous. she almost turns and leaves then-- almost bolts. "--it's really late, i know and if there's someone here--" brielle. " i'll leave. this is an insane thing to do. i just..." missed you. needed to see you. have been thinking of you. "do you...will you watch discovery channel with me? it's shark week."

he’s  halfway  through  buttoning  his  collared  shirt  when  he  tugs  the  door  open.  unaware  and  unprepared  for  the  sight  just  beyond  it.  his  lips  part  to  greet  her,  but  he  finds  himself  speechless.  not  that  his  commentary  was  needed.  andie  always  found  a  way  to  fill  the  silence  so  that  it  never  became  too  awkward.  but it  wasn’t  her  choice  of  attire  or  the  timing  that  left  him  grasping  at  straws;  it  was  the  footsteps  approaching  from  behind.  and  before  he  could  say  anything  at  all,  brielle  placed  a  quick  goodbye  kiss  to  his  cheek,  looked  andie  over,  and  said  she’d  call  him  tomorrow.  he  breaks  his  gaze  away  from  andie  just  long  enough  to  acknowledge  the  comment.  feeling  a  bit  caught,  he  waits  for  her  to  get  all  the  way  down  the  hall,  before  letting  the  tension  melt  away  from  his  shoulders.  “ you  aren’t  going  to  make  me  explain,  are  you ? ”  because  if  he  were  being  honest,  he  didn’t  feel  it  necessary.  andie  knew  all  about  brielle.  she  knew  the  obligation  he  had  to  his  family,  and  that  he  couldn’t  possibly  see  it  through  without  spending  time  with  the  other.  it  wasn’t  all  that  bad  either.  brielle  was  superficial  to  everyone,  but  she  had  a  human  side  to  her.  one  that  would  take  years  to  drag  out  but  it was there.  he  edges  back  a  couple  of steps,  pulling  at  the  knob  to  widen  the  gap.  he  wanted  her  to  come  in,  just  didn’t  know  how  to  say  it  without  making  things  worse  for  himself.  “  you  look  …  cute.  ”  corners  of  his  mouth  twitch,  the  playfulness  they  were  so  used  to  coming  back  almost  instantly  now  that  they  were  alone.  “  i  feel  a  bit  underdressed  for  the  occasion,  but  i  can  provide  the  discovery  channel.  ”

‘  don’t  ask  —  i  just  need  somewhere  to  disappear  for  a  few  hours.  ’

“  fine.  ”  she  would've  asked  how  he  got  in,  if  she  hadn't  watched  him  work  his  magic  with  her  own  eyes  in  their  previous  life.  “  no  questions.  but  i  swear  to  god,  if  someone  shows  up  here  and  ransacks  my  apartment  looking  for  you  again,  i’ll  shoot  you  myself.  ”  her  eyes  shift  to  the  purse  she’d  left  on  the  counter  upon  entry.  maybe  she  should  anyway.  put  them  both  out  of  their  misery.  

" it's not. " despite the way his features are drawn into a permanent scowl at the thought of it, of her with another. " i already told you that, so we can fuckin' drop it. "

“  no,  i  remember.  ”  the  slurred  words  he’d  said  previously,  when  no  one  else  was  around  to  hear  them.  “  except  what  you  did  tonight  totally  contridicted  that.  ”  brows  lift,  “  pretty  sure  his  nose  is  broken.  ”  measured  by  the  amount  of  blood  soaking  through  her  top.

"why would you ?" he asks , glancing away from her and towards the sea of people that waited for what would happen next . like moths to a flame , this city was built on downfall . "what better way to advance your career than rubbing dicks -- sorry , elbows with someone who can get you there ?"

she  glances  off  to  one  side,  noticing  the  draw  of  attention,  and  counters  it  with  a  sweet  smile  like  nothing  was  wrong.  “  okayyyy,  ”  she  practically  sings  through  her  clenched  teeth,  “  you  don’t  have  to  be  such  a  fucking  asshole  about  it.  ”  so  what  if she’d  used  his  little  party  as  an  opportunity  to  network  ?  wasn’t  that  exactly  what  people  like  him  did  at  events  like  that  ?  “  i  thought  you’d  be  happy  for  me.  i  got  to  play  in  a  real  studio.  ”

finds herself nodding, even if his explanation about his mother's condition doesn't actually enlighten her in the slightest. maybe sick it's all she needed to know. all she needed to understand was that his departure, hadn't been a casual, thoughtless abandonment. not that it makes it any better, not when she now knows how hard it had been for him, how lonely he must have been carrying that kind of weight all on his own. he had been drowning in his family's mess, and while she had been busy feeling rejected, he had been competely isolated. stops herself from reaching for him, from wrapping slender arms around his middle and hold him tight. "paris, i loved you, i wanted to be there for you." perhaps with a love that wasn't always perfect or easy, but it was one that was real. and it was theirs. "and i get that you don't want to talk about it, and that it's painful to drag all of this back into the light," she adds, voice catching sightly. "but you can't just keep all of this to yourself. wether we're together or not." at the same time, she knows this is how he deals with things. shutting down, building walls, and retreating into a dark corner where no one can him suffer. "you can trust me."

loved.  past  tense.  implying  that  she  no  longer  felt  that  way.  he  couldn’t  move  beyond  it.  everything  she  said  after  became  muffled  and  distorted,  background  noise  to  his  own  destructive  thoughts.  he  blamed  himself  entirely.  knew  that  if  he’d  handled  the  situation  differently,  communicated  more  clearly,  that  he  could’ve  come  back  to  her  and  had  a  soft  place  to  land.  but  hindsight  was  always  20/20.  “  whether  we’re  together  or  not  —  you  say  that  like  it  wouldn’t  make  a  difference.  ”  but  it  was  heaven  and  hell  for  him.  he  turns  away,  taking  a  few  steps  deeper  into  the  room  again,  shoving  his  hands  into  his  pockets.  the  air  seemed  to  thicken  all  at  once,  forcing  him  to  steel  himself  just  to  draw  a  breath.  “  i  knew  i  couldn’t  keep  it  in,  alright  ?  that’s  why  i  went  to  treatment.  i  needed  to  say  it  out  loud  to  someone  who  doesn’t  care.  who  won’t  ever  see  me  again.  someone  that  can’t  look  at  me  differently.  ”  someone  with  a  pen  and  pad  who  would  nod  along  and  prescribe  him  a  little  white  pill  that  could  take  the  edge  off,  even  if  it  was  temporary.  “  you’re  not  that  person  for  me.  i  wouldn’t  want  you  to  be.  whether  we’re  together  or  not—  i  never  want  to  invite  that  into  what  we  have.  because  it’s  perfect  …  it  was  perfect.  ”  until  he  left  the  door  slightly  ajar  and  let  the  ghost of his past  seep  in.

"i suppose woah is the right reaction for it," lets out a dry, humorless chuckle, his steely blue gaze dropping back to his palms for a brief moment as her words settle in the space between them. it's a relief, honestly, knowing she doesn't judge him for leaving, that she doesn't seem to think less of him. he shifts his weight slightly on the metal hatch, the truck shifting beneath them as he looks back up to meet her eyes. "no, he didn't tell me." maybe it would have been easier if he had found out that way, if someone had taken the time and kindness to break it to him gently. "my brother — i mean, my half brother i guess, had overhead a fight between our parents years ago, but it wasn't until we had this huge argument that he finally threw it in my face." kyle and him had always been different in everything, he was kind when kyle was cruel, patient when kyle was volatile, but he had never expected his brother to weaponize a family secret just to settle a petty grudge."at first, i thought he was just being a prick, making up the worst lie he could think of to get to me, but then i confronted my mom and — " offers her a shrug, gaze shifting away from her once more. "she couldn't even look me in the eye."

as  he  spoke,  it  occurred  to  her  how  little  she  really  knew  about  him.  aside  from  their  banter  and  subtle  flirtation,  they  never  really  talked  about  anything  real.  this  was  the  first  time  she  was  even  hearing  that  he  had  a  sibling.  not  that  it  mattered,  it  just  kind  of  made  the  little  world  they’d  built  here  feel  a  bit  bigger. “  i’m  so  sorry  you’re  going  through  this.  ”  she  couldn’t  imagine  it.  but  she  could  understand  why  he’d  want  to  spend  a  little  time  in  solitude,  even  if  it  meant  getting  up  at  the  crack  of  dawn  to  shovel  dirt  around.  resting  her  chin  against  her  shoulder,  she  met  his  eyes.  “  i  mean,  that’s  a  lot  of  betrayal  for  one  person.  ”  his  mom,  his  dad,  and  his  brother  all  in  one.  she  wished  she’d  known  sooner,  so  that  she  could’ve  treated  him  more  kindly.  but  something  told  her  he  wasn’t  looking  for  sympathy.  “  are  you— ”  she  knocks  the  toe  of  her  boot  against  the  heel  of  the  other,  sending  remnants  of  mud  toward  the  ground,  “  —are  you  sure  you  wanna  call  it  so  soon  ?  i  know  an  air-conditioned  building  sounds  real  nice,  but  the  city  is  awfully  loud.  you’d  have  to  get  back  on  the  grid,  do  the  whole  social  media  thing  again.  you’d  be  …  accessible  to  people.  is  that  really  what  you  want  right  now  ?  ”  as  she  looked  at  him,  she  found  herself  quietly  willing  him  to  say  no.  to  give  it  real  thought  and  decide  he  needed  a  little  more  time  to  sort  himself  out.  and  she  didn’t  feel  as  selfish  for  it,  now  that  she  knew  the  truth.

shrugs , corner of her mouth still pursed into a smile as they ate their cereal . back to normal -- or as normal as they could be . being around him made her feel good about herself , an impossible feat anywhere else . started young , followed her well into her adulthood and stuck with her since . lost her innocence at an age no girl ever should and clawed her way through , settling on the guy standing in front of her who treated her like she was a prize . like she meant something . tucking a strand of hair behind her ear , she laughs when he takes the bite of cereal while she continues to finish the rest . "hopefully my boss sees it and rewards me for such good behavior ," hums with a smirk , looking up into his eyes through the thickness of her lashes and ignoring the warmth he exuded just by staring at her . eyes roll playfully , keeping him prisoner against her like if she let go , he might leave her and something told her that sooner or later , he'll have to make a choice by force , all by the hand of his older brothers who didn't seem to care about what happened to him . it unsettled her in a way nothing ever has before , "what would i do without you , hm ?" she sets her spoon down and tips the bowl to her lips , sipping on the left over milk before licking her lips when she finishes , "yum ."

her  question  reverberated  through  his  mind.  he  knew  she  meant  for  it  to  be  nothing  more  than  a  light  jest,  but  it  reminded  him  of  why  he  was  spiraling  in  the  first  place.  before  she  came  home.  before  they  fought  and  made  up  …  again.  the  amusement  that  had  been  tugging  at  the  corner  of  his  mouth  slowly  faded  away,  and  he  was  left  with  the  same  sense  of  dread  that  he’d  been  desperately  trying  to  drink  away.  “  you’d  be  okay.  ”  half-hearted  attempt  to  sound  sure,  though  he  wasn’t.  in  all  honesty,  he  didn’t  know  what  would  happen  to  her  if  he  wasn’t  around  to  hold  her  together.  historically,  she  wasn’t  the  best  decision-maker.  they  both  knew  that.  it  wasn’t  anything  he  hadn’t  said  directly  to  her  face  on  multiple  occasions.  there  was  never  any  ill  will  behind  the  words,  just  raw  concern.  with  two  dead  parents,  bradley  was  the  closest  thing  he  had  to  family.  she’d  been  around  for  as  far  back  as  he  could  remember.  had  seen  him  at  every  stage  of  life.  every  high  and  low.  she  never  wavered,  not  once.  she’d  earned  the  love  he  felt  for  her  tenfold.  and  now  as  he  stood  here,  watching  her  spoon  the  last  of  the  cereal  from  the  bowl,  he  was  trying  to  find  a  way  to  break  the  news  that  their  time  together  might  just  be  nearing  an  end.  at  least  the  phone  had  stopped  vibrating  long  enough  for  him  to  gather  his  thoughts.  “  i  have  to  tell  you  something.  ” 

" you sure seem to like making my wishes come true. " it's bitten at first, her voice trailing off behind her. they wouldn't get anywhere bickering, with there being more than enough of things to worry about and handle between the two of them. yet jealousy knows how to creep its way under her skin at the revelation of him going to her, taking form in the way her hands can't seem to stay still, her lip being bit down against hard enough to draw blood as she works through it in her mind. jealous, wasn't in her typical nature, but the idea of him being with the two of them together is nearly making her sick. " do you have enough magic for both her and me? " immediately regrets how bitter the words are, slicing through the air between them like a sharpened knife. this wasn't the time for her to play the stereotype of the crazy, jealous girl for a man she seemed to hardly know — and know even less what he was truly capable of. when her gaze is being drawn by his hands, it's unleashing something vulnerable in her. " rafe, " half begging him to not make it more than it was. " this is a part of it. " it shouldn't have had to be, but she'd rationalized it in her own head under the pretense that it could have been worse. she'd heard stories about girls who had used to work there that had suffered graver circumstances and fates after their time at the club, some with scars that weren't just mental. hearing those stories, she would take what she was given. " you can't make sure of that, " her head is titled slightly in his grasp, unable to meet his gaze any more. he'd get himself into more trouble trying to use whatever magic he had on these guys, there was no use. her boss wouldn't let the source of his money dry out, and it all tied back to the club patreons. nice or not, their money was all the same shade of green. " it's not your job to protect me. " as good as it felt, she refused to have him in the crossfire of it all just so she could sleep better at night. " i can handle these things, just like i did before you. "

he  stares  at  her  features  even  as  she  turns  them  away  to  avoid  his  gaze.  indifference  etched  into  his  own,  unable  to  pin  down  how  he  feels  about  her  reaction.  he  liked  her,  which  was  more  than  he  could  say  for  most.  enough  to  put  his  neck  out  on  the  line  just  to  save  her  from  a  few  bruises.  and  yet,  she  seemed  to  be  much  more  invested  in  the  exchanged  between  him  and  his  old  fling than anything else he'd said.  “  well,  now  that’s  where  you’re  wrong.  ”  he  untangles  himself  from  her,  giving  her  his  back  as  he  reaches  for  a  cigarette  from  his  pocket.  places  it  between  his  lips  and  flicks  the  lighter  to  the  end,  setting  it  ablaze  as  he  draws  in  a  deep  breath.  inhales  the  nicotine,  and  the  chaos  in  his  mind  fades  into  a  temporary  quiet even  her  defiance  couldn’t  pierce.  “  ramses  is  a  little  short-handed  at  the  moment.  he  asked  me  to  stand  in  for  a  while,  until  he  could  find  a  couple  of  new  guys  he  can  trust  to  run  security  without  sampling  the  product.  ”  wouldn’t  have  been  so  bad  if  one  of  them  hadn’t  knocked  up  their  highest  earner.  he  wondered  if  she  knew.  had  to.  nothing  in  this  club  stayed  a  secret  for  too  long,  especially  where  the  girls  were  involved.  anyway,  “  it  actually  is  my  job  to  protect  you.  ”  and  he  intended  to  take  his  role  very,  very  seriously.  whether  she  liked  it  or  not.  “  so,  spare  me  this  little  speech  about  how  you  can  handle  things  on  your  own.  it’s  very  noble  of  you,  but  i’m  not  interested  in  playing  defense  to  these  fuckers  just  so  you  can  pretend  like  you  have  a  little  bit  of  control  here.  ”  he  turns  back  to  her,  tilting  his  chin  up  to  blow  the  smoke  through  the  side  of  his  mouth.  the  pungent  smell  filters  through  the  space  between  them  as  he  slowly  eliminates  it  with  each  step  forward.  “  and  if  you  get  in  my  way or  i  hear  that  you’ve  complained  to  ramses about  the  ways  in  which  i’ve  chosen  to  go  about  things,  bailey  will  have  been  the  least  of  your  worries.  ”  he  bends  at  the  waist,  leveling  her  gaze.  “  do  we  understand  each  other  ?  ”

with every word that rolls down his tongue, it gets harder and harder to think. let alone breathe straight. those sharp edges of her anger begin to dull, replaced by a familiar ache in her chest as the missing pieces of his disappearance finally start falling into place. honeyed hues glance at him over the rim of her glass, and she forces the liquid down her throat, needing the burn of the bitter liquid before she sets the glass down on the counter with a trembling click. "sick how?" she had so many questions. was his mother physically deteriorating, or was it the kind of illness that warped a person's mind until they became someone entirely unrecognizable? slender legs want to close the distance between them, but she chooses to take a seat instead, feeling as if her knees might buckle if she remains standing a second longer.  "i'm sorry — what?" brows furrow together and both confusion and hurt ripple through her expression as his next words strike a completely different chord. "so you were in boston, getting help, and you didn't think you could tell me?" a fragile laugh escapes her petals, though there is no humor in it, only a profound sadness. "paris, i thought you left because you stopped loving me."

he  hesitates,  fidgeting  with  the  silver  ring  on  his  index  finger.  “  just  sick.  ”  his  shoulders  tense,  “  i  don’t  know  how  to  explain it.  ”  that  wasn’t  true.  he  could  write  a  dissertation  on  his  mother’s  illness  and  the  lifelong  effects  it  had  on  him.  the  things  she  said  and  did  when  no  one  else  was  around  to  bear  witness.  the  kind  of  things  that  would’ve  landed  a  person  in  jail  for  a  very  long  time,  if  she  hadn’t  managed  to  fool  the  entire  peninsula  of  cape  cod.  because  he  had  called  the  police.  he  had  confided  in  a  trusted  adult.  he  had  done  everything  they  told  him  to  do.  and  none  of  it  mattered.  none  of  it  worked.  she  told  them  he  was  acting  out.  that  ever  since  he’d  witnessed  his  brother’s  death,  he’d  say  anything  he  could  to  get  a  reaction,  to  draw  attention  to  himself.  and  they  believed  her.  they  always  believed  her.  even  his  own  father  —  who  had  divorced  her  shortly  after  the  tragedy  and  could  barely  stand  to  be  in  the  same  room  as  her  —  took  her  side  over  his.  it  became  painfully  clear  to  him  at  a  young  age  that  he  was  on  his  own.  so  he  accepted  it.  he  stopped  reaching  for  help,  stopped  dragging  anyone  else  into  the  mess.  kyria  was  no  exception  to  that  rule.  he  exhales  the  breath  he’d  been  holding,  “  it  wasn’t  that  i  didn’t  think  i  could  tell  you.  it’s  that  i  didn’t  want  to.  ”  and  maybe  that  was  worse,  but  it  was  the  truth.  “  i  didn’t  know  when  i  left  that  i  would  be  gone  as  long  as  i  was.  i  should’ve  called,  i  know.  but  at  the  time,  before  i  went  to  treatment,  i  couldn’t  bring  myself  to  involve  you.  even  now,  i’m  struggling  with  it.  i  don’t  want  to  talk  about  these  things.  the  only  reason  i’m  doing  it  is  because  i  don’t  want  to  lose  you  more.  ”