he bites the inside of his cheek, the way he once bit the inside of her thigh. she’s two steps above him, his head hanging with irritation. “yeah, we agreed — but i pictured some rando from econ, not—” his jaw flexes, name withheld like a swallowed piece of glass. “— that egotistical asshole.” brody hayes— tau sig golden boy, linebacker shoulders, colgate commercial grin, always walking across the quad like a billboard for protein powder. axil hated his guts. "i just hate the idea of him and his greasy hands all over you. was it even good?" he shifts his weight, throat working. truth is, he isn’t asking to gauge technique or if brody could even get it up. he’s asking if she felt seen, if some part of her sparked the way they spark.

"i didn't single him out of a million guys . i was out , he was there . one thing led to another .. do i really have to explain to you what happens when two people meet ?" looks away , feeling exposed underneath his gaze oozing deceit from someone who allowed her to do as she pleased just like she handed him the same notion . "don't ask me questions you don't want the answer to , axil ." it was good , but it wasn't what she had with him . and she refused to enter that snake pit knowing she was the one who would get bitten . swallowing to wet her mouth , she fights the urge to reach out and touch him like that would make up for the fact she'd done something he may possibly deem unforgivable .

"what about you? are you happy?" maybe the question is unfair, watching her own reflection warp across the latte’s trembling surface. but fairness had never been for them, had it? she lifts her gaze, lashes feather light but heart suddenly heavier than bone. of course she wants him to say yes — healthy, mature answer, tied with a polite bow. but an unspoken core hopes he’ll falter, that his smile will slip at the edges. it’s ugly, that hope, green-tinged and glinting, yet she can’t scrub it out. because if he isn’t entirely happy, then maybe she isn’t entirely selfish for missing the shape of his absence. maybe the echo in her chest is something they both still hear.

he pauses for a moment , lips pressed against the edge of his cup as he contemplates telling her a lie but before he could stop himself , he's uttering the single syllable that shattered his resolve . "no ," with it comes a pathetic smile , one he wishes he could wipe off his face before she could see , but it's already too late . the word is out there and now she knows that while she lived her life , he was dreading his own in despair of all the lost he'd suffered from , including the great love of his life , now sat opposite from him , happy and content in her new standing . the one he should have fought for instead of letting her go .

for  the  longest  time,  he  tried  to  stay  away  from  her.  back  when  they  first  met,  he’d  recognized  the  self-destruction  beneath  her  brilliance.  no  matter  how  alluring  she  was,  no  matter  how  inexorably  drawn  to  her  he  felt,  he  kept  her  at  arm’s  length.  even  then,  he  knew  that  if  he  let  her  in,  she  would  become  monumental.  and  she  had.  somewhere  between  late  nights  writing  lyrics,  stolen  moments  backstage,  and  standing  shoulder  to  shoulder  beneath  stage  lights,  he  lost  that  fight.  or  maybe  it  had  been  lost  from  the  start.  when  things  were  good  between  them,  they  were  transcendent.  right  now,  however,  they  weren’t.  his  arms  remain  firmly  around  her,  grounding  himself  as  much  as  her.  beneath  the  drugs,  the  fear,  the  unraveling,  the  woman  he  loves  is  still  there.  and  he  refuses  to  stop  believing  that.  he  carefully  hooks  his  pinky  around  hers,  “  i  promise. ”  lifting  their  intertwined  fingers,  he  presses  a  kiss  against  the  small  vow.  “ i  told  you  i’m  not  mad  at  you.  i’m  not  trying  to  punish  you,  sloane. ”  his  thumb  brushes  across  her  knuckles.  “ but  you  gotta  talk  to  me,  baby, ”  his  voice  softens,  “ can  you  do  that  for  me ?  will  you  let  me  in ? ”  because  if  they  were  going  to  survive  this,  he  couldn’t  keep  fighting  battles  he  never  knew  she’d  started. 

tears whelm up in her eyes once more when he makes her a pinky promise , leaning in to place her mouth against their fingers after he did , locking it in that she believed him . she always would . no matter what . "i know ," she tells him in a broken whisper , shoulders sulking forward as she tries to reel her thoughts back in . to breathe properly again when every fear came knocking on her door , telling her , her time will come . this was always just the calm before the storm . head shakes , wanting desperately to provide him with the context he needed in order to understand her better , but she didn't know where to start . couldn't pinpoint a specific time in her life . all she knew was that she was young and her mom was gone for good , buried somewhere in las vegas , leaving her alone with her aunt , karen . "i don't know what to say , kaden ." tucks strands of her hair stuck to her wet cheeks behind her ears , lips flushed from all the biting as she tries to conjure up enough of the truth to get her by . "every time she comes around , it gets worse and then when she's gone , all the damage is already done ."

she  listens  in  silence  and  with  every  word,  apprehension  coiling  beneath  her  ribs  tightening  another  degree.  her  mind  has  already  begun  its  habitual  descent  into  worst-case  possibilities,  wandering  down  corridors  she  didn’t  want  to  open.  violence.  debt.  she  keeps  waiting  for  the  other  shoe  to  drop.  and  then  it  does.  his  confession  settles  heavily  between  them  and  for  a  moment,  she  can  only  stare.  “ so  you’re  a  drug  dealer. ”  the  words  sound  strange  aloud,  as  though  saying  them  might  help  them  fit  into  a  shape  she  can  understand.  she  remains  where  she’s  kneeling  beside  the  counter,  rooted  there  by  the  weight  of  too  many  emotions  arriving  at  once.  only  her  eyes  move,  following  him  as  he  stands,  tracking  the  familiar  lines  of  his  body  as  he  pulls  his  shirt  back  down  over  freshly  bandaged  skin.  then  comes  the  rest,  even  if  that  means  getting  blood  on  my  hands.  the  color  drains  from  her  face,  her  breath  catching.  “ wait. ”  the  word  emerges  almost  involuntarily  and  so  does  she,  rising  to  her  feet  to  meet  him.  “ does  that  mean— ”  she  stops,  struggling  to  assemble  the  question  without  making  it  real,  but  there’s  no  gentler  way  to  ask.  her  voice  drops  to  a  whisper,  dread  flickering  across  her  expression,  “ did  you  kill  someone  tonight ? ” 

"yes ," is the first pass at the truth , finding no reason to paint a pretty picture when there was nothing pure about what he was doing . nothing good . the only thing that provided solace was knowing he made enough money to keep them all afloat , aside from the many petty crimes around the city , stealing from nearby shops and pawning off what they could without getting caught and having it tracked back to them . he begins to walk out of the enclosed space , wanting to get some air in order to breathe properly . though he didn't lose a lot of blood , he lost enough to make his head drowsy , watching as her face changes and everything between them stills , including their hearts . he doesn't say anything at first , looking into her eyes and wondering what would happen once he confessed . would she run ? tell the cops ? hate him ? want nothing to do with him ? every option send a shiver down his spine , collecting his emotions at once before licking his lips , swallowing down the tension in his throat . "no ," he told her . "not tonight , but i have before ." rafe was just a warning , but soon he'll have to shut him up and the only way to get rid of a big mouth is never to feed it but to make sure it never stays starved .

she  doesn’t  pull  away  this  time,  but  she  doesn’t  lean  into  his  touch  either.  she  simply  sits  there,  suspended  in  that  purgatory  between  love  and  heartbreak  as  she  allows  his  calloused  hands  to  cradle  her  face  while  her  own  world  quietly  unravels  around  her.  she’s  trying  to  understand,  to  fit  his  words  into  the  framework  of  everything  she’d  ever  been  taught  about  love,  devotion,  intimacy.  but  she’s  failing  to  do  so.  for  her  entire  life,  those  things  had  never  existed  separately.  love  was  sacrifice,  choosing  someone  over  and  over  again.  intimacy  was  sacred,  a  profound  act  of  trust  she  had  guarded  her  entire  life.  she’d  always  imagined  giving  herself  to  the  man  she  married,  believing  that  kind  of  closeness  should  belong  to  one  person  and  one  person  only.  yet  as  she  looks  at  him,  an  insidious  and  unwelcome  thought  creeps  in.  maybe  that  was  the  problem.  maybe  she  had  asked  him  to  wait  too  long.  the  thought  twists  her  stomach,  but  she  can’t  entirely  banish  it,  finding  it  easier  to  turn  the  blame  inward.  another  tear  slips  down  her  cheek  as  she  whispers  at  last,  “ i  believe  you. ”  that  was  the  tragedy  —  how  some  stubborn,  foolish  part  of  her  still  loved  him  enough  to  search  for  reasons.  he’d  given  her  an  out,  one  she  should  take,  but  —  “ ..  i  don’t  know  how  to  stop  loving  you  just  because  you  hurt  me. ” 

the most selfless thing he could do is let her go for good , but then the thought of someone else giving her what she wanted from him settles deep inside his chest , rattling the organ that was once deemed void of feeling , only to have met her and feel it beating warm again . he can't envision her loved by anyone else , knows he'd kill anyone who even attempted to enter her life , let alone touch her in places only he was allowed to . it tortured him seeing her forgive him when it didn't settle anything , but make it all worse . he should be happy she believes him , find a way to ease her away from what she saw and paint a prettier picture for her to hold onto . to forge his way into her good graces and provide a better way of moving on , knowing she had seen the ugliest parts of him . "how can i make this better for you , grace ?" takes a step closer , needing to feel her while keeping enough distance to respect her boundaries . "i think the best thing for you to do if you want better is to walk away from me ," that was his sliver of the truth . the only time he'll provide her with an out if she wished to take it , forcing him to comply with her decision and ensure nothing stood in the way of it even if it'll eat him alive .

the way she pressed back into him while doing her line nearly costs him everything and he files that away for approximately one second before letting it go entirely because he already feels blood rushing south. steps up to the counter, does his second line, straightens back up. runs his thumb along his nose once, feels it settle in fast, the edges of everything going warm in a way he typically doesn't allow. turns to look at her, the grin, the floating eyes, the fingers that just traced his jaw and his neck like she was learning him. something loose and decided settling over him that has no interest in pretending otherwise. "dance," says it once, then shakes his head slowly. "actually, no." steps back into her space, hands finding her waist, the warmth of her under his palms hitting different than it would have ten minutes ago. backing her up until she meets the counter behind her. looks down at her, unhurried, the corners of his mouth pulling into a smirk. "dress," homme is pushing her hands out of the way and inching fabric just slightly higher. gaze drop to plump lips, digits find their way underneath the tight dress. leaning down so this mouth hovers over hers, "don't need you to take it off though. such a pretty dress," and with that he's pushing it over the curve of pert ass. the remainders of his self-control effectively gone when he's finally pressing mouth to hers.

she was trouble from the day she was born , used as collateral in a world that abused her ability to see things in a way that made it beautiful . her face could stop anyone in their tracks , aura irreplaceable ; unable to replicate , no matter who tried to replace her on every runway and magazine in the world . she had something about her you couldn't take away regardless of the demons swimming inside her head , trying to take it prisoner . she was too pretty to sit still , unable to commit to anything but the drugs . gaze runs over the length of him once more , something pure and sinful beneath her gaze as sparkles dust along the highs of her cheekbones , dancing across her eyelids , bouncing deliciously off the light that beamed down on them from above their heads . fingertips run along his chest and stomach , gripping the fabric clung to his skin once his lips meets hers in a searing kiss . licks into the comfort of his mouth , urging him closer as their tongues dance to a familiar song despite it being the first time they'd indulged in each other . "mm , wore it just for you."

knows what she's doing, the picture she's painting with the timbre in her voice. and maybe had this been a couple of months ago when they first started whatever they were, the bathroom and being bent over the sink would have been exactly where this was heading. the urge isn't gone. but it's different now. she likes talking to him. likes the way he looks at her like he's actually seeing her and not just the parts of her that are convenient to want. she follows him out, the night air hitting her warm skin as she lets him strap the helmet without argument. "i'm a lady, of course i have panties on," she laughs before she even finishes the sentence. though it's true, she actually did wear underwear tonight. she swings her leg over and settles in behind him, arms sliding around his waist. dylan knows by now she doesn't need to hold on this tight. knows the bike well enough that she can grip the seat instead. she doesn't. when the engine turns over she tucks herself closer against his back anyway. "i want fries too, just so you know," says into his shoulder. "ready."

she became much more than just a person to pass time with , a body to keep warm at night . it was a risk when they first started to hook up when she belonged to a friend of his , but there was nothing in the rule book that said he had to stop . not when he didn't consider connie close by any means . the only two men in his life he opted for loyalty being the two he shared a stage with . everyone else was disposable unless proven otherwise . except dylan . despite their complicated relationship , she was someone he kept close . someone he didn't mind looking into the mess he created for himself . the world was a shitty one , but he made most of it worthwhile . turning his life around instead of allowing the fire to burn him alive . he smiles at her comment before slamming the visor to his helmet down to shield his eyes and taking off down the street . "we'll get you whatever you want ," he tells her honestly , weaving through the cars , allowing the cool night air to whisk past them in a shower of calm .

he  spotted  her  well  before  she  turned  to  see  him.  allowing  a  moment  to  reacquaint  himself  with  the  shape  of  her.  gaze  trailing  from  the  heels  on  her  feet,  up  her  toned  legs  —  noting  a  couple  of  rogue  wrinkles  at  the  hem  and  how  inappropriate  the  length  of  it  was  for  such  a  professional  setting.  riddle  enterprises,  prided  itself  on  employee  retention.  most  of  the  women  around  the  office  were  hired  back  its  inception,  making  them  old  and  less  than  appealing  to  look  at.  but  at  least  the  men  beneath  him  had  little  to  no  distraction,  and  deadlines  were  being  promptly  met.  he  lifts  his  chin  while  several  overlapping  voices  ring  around  him,  but  he  doesn’t  hear  a  word.  attention  pooling  to  a  pair  of  eyes  that  used  to  beg  up  at  him.  she  looked  surprised  to  see  him.  interesting.  he  supposed  he'd  never  mentioned  his  father's  company  in  the  midst  of  their  ...  time  together,  but  surely  the  name  would  have  set  off  some  alarm  bells.  he  releases  a  sharp  sigh,  silencing  the  constant  chatter.  “  everyone  out.  ”  they  all  come  to  their  feet  and  begin  to  file  out,  and  as  they  do  he  makes  sure  to  catch  her  gaze,  “  not  you.  ”  

it had been a long time since she felt nerves clawing up the back of her throat , attempting to drag her back down to the past where she left the sad , pathetic anastasia behind . where the man sitting before her walked all over her heart because she allowed him to . because she forced herself to believe he could want more from her other than what she provided , but all it was , was a cry for help . to want someone to want her for once . when they graduated , that was the last she'd seen of him . hadn't reached out since their falling out all those years ago . and with it , came a change in her own life by leaving it behind to start new in the next town over . she got her own place , a new roommate and new friends , a job as a bartender just a few blocks from her apartment . was in touch with a recruiter who let her know of any openings she could take to freelance for the time-being just to make enough money to pay her bills . it wasn't easy . in fact , it was fucking hard going from having everything at your fingertips to having nothing at all , but she supposed it was a blessing in disguise because she wouldn't change it for the world . "i didn't know ," is the first thing out of her mouth when the room clears , leaving the two of them alone . "if that's what you're worried about ." she probably should have pieced it together when she walked inside the building and saw his last name plastered everywhere , but she had hoped she was wrong .

watches her, the pinky, the mouth, all of it. the why lands and he tilts his head slightly, looking at her the way he's been looking at her all night, the way he stopped pretending wasn't happening about an hour ago. "because you asked," says it simply, eyes on hers, something warm and unhurried in his expression. "and because i wanted to." reaches over and tucks a strand of hair back from her face, fingers lingering at her jaw for a second. she's so pretty, his mind wanders to how pretty she'd look with hand wrapped around her neck and writhing with pleasure. "you going to make me spell out the rest or are you going to let me take you back out there and collect on that dance you promised me? unless you never planned on goin' back out there." eyes drop to her mouth briefly, come back up. the corner of his mouth pulling into something that doesn't happen often enough. "we've still got one line each left on that counter by the way." glances at it, then back at her. "ladies first. since you're so good at it. might need to watch you again."

does as he says and bends over for him once more , pressing ass to his groin on purpose as she inhales her second line through familiar nostril , reveling in the feeling that bursts through her chest , strangling her insides with an ecstasy that can't be replicated anywhere else . "mm ," turning to look at him , she grins from ear to ear , elated and freed from the prison that was her mind , now entirely on the float to cloud nine as she grips the surface behind her . gazes up at him like he's the best thing she's ever come in contact with as fingertips reach to trace the curve of his face , down the slope of his jawline to his neck and chest , "i'll do whatever you want ." nods once to drive her point home . "we can dance ," sways like there's music playing in the bathroom , "or i can take off my dress ." their eyes meet , hands dropping to the fabric clung to slim body as she teases the fabric higher , "or we can go home ." nose scrunches at the thought , shaking her head . "on second thought , the first two options are the only ones available tonight ." bites down on her lip , "so what's it going to be , abe ?"

"whenever you're ready," is all she says. won't push him on it. knows how hard it is to be vulnerable about certain situations, and knows it's even worse when people keep pestering you to hear those stories that bring up trauma. blues watch his face as digit pads over supple lips, and the way his gaze drops to mouth doesn't go amiss. petals pucker slightly to press a soft kiss to thumb before he's letting go of hold. knows better than to stay this close to him, but she makes no effort to move away anyway. knew that this situation they were in would only get tougher the longer they indulged in each other. but was it so bad for her to want to enjoy the good parts? "don't think my mouth is that bad, i could be much more creative," one of her hands drop, wrapping fingers around two of his. "i know a couple of ways you could shut my mouth up..." bats lashes up at him with a small smile finding it's way to lips. "like," she holds his gaze, voice dropping low enough that she has to lean in slightly so he can catch it over the music, lips almost at his ear, "the first option being taking me to get a burger." she pulls back, completely straight faced. "a big one. i'm starving."

he watches her closely , not saying a word as she says the things she shouldn't be saying , alluding to the many things they indulged in time and time again . having found comfort between her thighs where he's given her the same result in return . tongue pushes to the corner of his mouth , laughing to himself once she drops the ball and moves away , earning a smile in return and a subtle shake of his head . reaching around to the curve of her ass , he gives it a light tap before moving away , "your wish is my command , princess ." putting a 20 dollar bill on the counter to cover both their drinks , he turns to lead the way out of the club and outside where his bike was parked and ready . "hope you wore underwear tonight ," he grabs a helmet to put over her head , helping secure her inside of it , strapping it tight to ensure it doesn't fall off . "unless you're in the mood to flash a bunch of strangers on the express way ." kicking the stand off his bike as he sits on it , turning the key and revving the engine by turning the handles , he glances behind at her . "ready ?"

every  pleading  word  of  hers  carves  another  fissure  through  his  resolve.  he  knows  he  should  pull  away,  hold  the  boundary  he’d  been  desperately  trying  to  establish  since  the  moment  he  walked  through  the  door.  yet  every  time  she  looks  at  him  like  that  —  like  he’s  the  sole  tether  keeping  her  from  drifting  in  the  abyss  —  he  can  feel  his  convictions  begin  to  erode.  when  she  leans  forward  and  her  mouth  takes  a  journey  wherever  she  could  latch  onto,  he  let  his  eyes  close,  her  scent  flooding  his  senses.  it  always  killed  him  to  watch  her  unravel,  even  more  to  know  she  believed  his  hesitation  meant  abandonment.  he  can’t  take  it  anymore,  tilting  her  chin  up  and  seeing  her  eyes  wide,  dark,  and  utterly  defenseless.  his  boundary  dissolves  into  ash  as  he  leans  down  to  kiss  her,  heavy  with  the  weight  of  everything  they  had  already  endured.  an  acknowledgment  of  a  bond  he’d  never  break,  a  surrender  to  the  gravity  that  always  pulls  him  to  her.  he  pulls  her  more  securely  into  his  embrace,  wanting  to  offer  her  peace,  even  as  the  intensity  of  the  moment  tested  his  own  resolve.  he  gathers  her  into  his  arms  and  guides  them  toward  the  couch,  pulling  her  into  his  lap,  one  arm  wrapped  securely  around  her  shoulders.  eventually,  he  draws  back  enough  to  brush  a  tear  from  her  cheek,  tucking  a  loose  strand  of  hair  behind  her  ear.  “ hey, ”  he  waits  until  her  eyes  find  his,  “ i’m  here. ”  his  thumb  strokes  her  cheek.  “ i’m  not  going  anywhere. ”  even  if  watching  her  destroy  herself  felt  like  it  might  break  him  too. 

it's wrong . she knows it , to use herself as an advantage but she'll do it again and again and again if it meant keeping him right there with her . she doesn't think she could survive without him . every fight they ever had landing a knife in her gut that the last time could be the very last time he has any words left to offer her , but then he kisses her like he is right now and everything fades into the darkness , leaving her standing in the light that was him . kisses him back with as much passion as she could muster , inhaling him and the familiarity of his scent as body falls victim to his touch . arms wrap around his neck , bounding herself to him as he picks her up with ease and takes them to the couch . is afraid to look at him but when she does , tears blotched down her cheeks all over again , she sniffles and nods , fingertips tracing over the curve of his face in memorization . everything he was , was everything she needed . the air in her lungs belonged to him as did her heart , every beating wave of blood that entered thumping louder and harder every time he was near . that's when she knew she loved him . love .. god , she never thought she would ever experience it a day in her life . not since her mother died . now , here she was . in the arms of the man who put her back together again after swearing her pieces would never fit right . "'m sorry .... 'm so sorry ." she shakes her head , eyes blown wide . "you promise you'll stay right here ? with me ?"

the  antiseptic  lingers  sharp  in  the  air,  mingling  with  the  metallic  scent  of  blood.  the  wound  looks  almost  unreal,  as  though  it  belonged  to  someone  else,  not  the  man  she  was  falling  for.  “ it  should  close  on  its  own, ”  she  murmurs  as  she  inspects  the  cut.  “ assuming  you  don’t  do  whatever  it  was  that  caused  this  again  tomorrow. ”  the  remark  emerges  sharper  than  she  intends,  escaping  before  she  can  soften  it,  drawn  out  by  the  slow  attrition  of  unanswered  questions  and  the  sight  of  him  wounded  by  something  still  up  in  the  air.  her  attention  returns  to  the  bandage,  smoothing  it  carefully  over  the  angry  gash.  the  rest  of  his  words  settle  more  heavily.  take  you  home.  pretend  this  isn’t  real.  a  faint,  humorless  smile  touches  her  mouth.  “ i  think  i’ve  spent  enough  of  my  life  pretending  things  aren’t  real, ”  the  words  leave  her  before  she  can  reconsider  them.  growing  up,  truth  had  existed  in  omissions.  entire  parts  of  her  family  built  upon  things  nobody  was  willing  to  name.  she  left  home  to  escape  that.  “ if  this  is  your  way  of  protecting  me,  i  understand  that. ”  carefully,  she  presses  the  last  piece  of  gauze  into  place.  finally,  she  looks  up  at  him.  the  apprehension  and  fear  evident,  “ but  if  things  are  bad  enough  that  you’re  coming  back  bleeding  ..  then  i  don’t  think  ignorance  is  going  to  make  me  feel  safer. ” 

"the less you know , the better ." he tells her . "i'm not trying to scare you . i'm not trying to sugarcoat it , either . if i tell you , it puts you at risk and i can't do that with a clear conscience knowing that someone out there could hurt you ." the thought alone aggravates his heart where his chest keeps it prisoner from sudden movement . he was an open book , always has been and though relationships and him have never been friends , he has never treated a woman like an afterthought . and perhaps that's why they fell for him in the first place . he treated them with respect though they didn't hold any significance to his life . he had sex with them like he'd loved them for years , ensuring they left satisfied . he didn't provide a safety net of trust for these women . he kept himself locked away beneath a key that she now held onto . "i deal drugs , with that comes obligations . people trying to gain control of the money i've made . the more i sell , the more profit i make . people don't like that , especially when they're selfish , greedy little bastards ." he adjusts himself to stand , putting his shirt back down once she's finished . "sometimes , that means putting them in their place . even if that means getting blood on my hands ."

they  have  always  been  a  striking  antithesis  of  each  other.  grace,  with  her  scripture  and  steadfast  devotion.  teddy,  with  his  chaos  and  perpetual  inclination  toward  self-destruction.  yet,  she  loved  him  anyway.  loves.  perhaps  that  has  always  been  the  problem.  the  love  that  compelled  her  to  defend  him  whenever  rumors  circulated,  convinced  her  to  listen  when  others  urged  her  not  to,  opening  the  door  for  him  time  and  time  again,  even  when  doubt  crept  in.  most  people  would  call  it  blindness.  tonight,  she  begins  to  wonder  if  they’re  right.  as  he  speaks,  the  gap  between  them  reveals  itself  with  painful  clarity.  to  her,  love,  intimacy,  and  devotion  are  inseparable  things.  to  him,  it  seems  like  the  opposite.  the  realization  makes  her  feel  ill.  then  came  those  three  words.  i  love  you.  and  her  knees  suddenly  feel  too  unsteady  to  support  her.  slowly,  she  crosses  the  room  to  lower  herself  onto  the  edge  of  the  bed,  hands  twisting  together  in  her  lap.  “ you  say  that  all  the  time, ”  she  whispers,  before  the  image  flashes  through  her  mind  —  teddy  entangled  with  another  woman.  her  voice  breaks,  “ but  then  you  do  this. ”  for  the  first  time,  she  looks  directly  at  him.  “ how  could  you  do  that  to  someone  you  love ? ” 

"sometimes there is no explanation for things , grace . there is no right or wrong answer . how you view things is different from others . i hate to break your heart . i hate that i hurt you . sex for you is special and sacred and if we had sex right now , it would be exactly that baby ," he would give her what she wanted . he would love her properly if her body belonged to him , but everyone else ? they didn't have the same affect on him . they didn't get the same treatment . "i know i did the wrong thing . i know it and i did it because i wanted to hurt myself . i know i don't deserve you , that's the truth grace . if you walked out of here and never looked back , i wouldn't stop you because i know you are worthy of a love from someone who can do it the right way and i'm not that person . but i do -- i do love you . more than anything or anyone . i've never loved anyone as much as i love you ," dares to reach out and touch her once more , hoping when he cups her cheeks into calloused palms , she won't pull back this time . as their eyes meet , something dies inside of him at the sheer pain that's etched beneath the familiarity of something pure and special . "you have to believe me when i say that . do you ? do you believe me when i say that , baby ?"

follows her through the crowd, her hand in his, watches the way people move without being asked — for him, the way they always do. gets through the bathroom door, hears the lock click behind them. leans back against the wall, arms crossing, watching her work through it all with the kind of ease that comes from practice. the lines laid out clean and even on the counter. eyes stay on her face when she looks back at him with that glint. words pull a laugh from him, the first real one of the night. "are you insinuating that i don't know how to snort a line?" dry, pushing off the wall. crosses to her when she bends, tattooed hand moves to wrap around her tresses and bunch it into his fist, holding it without being asked. lets her hair go when she straightens, stepping back. looks at the counter, then back at her. "move over." nudges her gently, taking her spot. presses his pointer to his left nostril before running his head up along the line and inhaling. straightens back up. turns to look at her, jaw working once as it settles in. "you're a bad influence," says it like a compliment. "just so you know."

giggles falter past glossed lips , giving him the space he needed in order to do a line himself . knows it was risky given that he should be focused enough to do his job but she was selfish enough to want to keep him there all to herself . she didn't care about sharing , she didn't believe in jealousy knowing she was capable of getting what she wanted whenever she wanted . if they chose someone other than her , there was a plethora of other men who would choose her in return . "so i've been told ," hums like no secret has been shared . she was a bad influence . her parents could even argue she was a bad person altogether , but bridget had warmth to her that lacked in others . she saw good in things she never should . she was unkind to herself , but better for others . she wanted to silence the things going on inside with indulgences like sex , drugs and alcohol and it worked . it always did . no matter who she did them with , but something tells her he was different . she just didn't know what yet . "yet you still decided to come here with me ," notes , stepping to him as she reaches to wipe beneath his nose with her pinky before shoving it into her mouth to lick off the access powder she collected . "why ?"