american gods episode 1 : the bone orchard
â We have reprogrammed reality. Language is a virus, religion an operating system, and prayers are just so much fucking spam. â
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trying on a metaphor

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american gods episode 1 : the bone orchard
â We have reprogrammed reality. Language is a virus, religion an operating system, and prayers are just so much fucking spam. â

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smug thinkpiece writer: âthe internet is about the sound bite, the tweet, tiny fragments of information that only take two or three seconds to consumeâ
me, thinking back to the 5000-word tumblr post i scrolled past yesterday where two classicists, three high schoolers, and a witch all got in a very pointless argument about hades and persephone or shakespeare or something: uh,
Just because someone stumbles, loses their way, it doesnât mean theyâre lost forever. Sometimes we all need a little help.
X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) dir. Bryan Singer
no punctuation we read like romans
NOPUNCTUATIONORLOWERCASEORSPACESWEREADLIKEROMANS
INTER¡PVNCTVATION¡WE¡INSCRIBE¡LIKE¡ROMANS
words doesnât classical matter order in greek;
we, in a manner akin to that of a man who once was, in Rome, an orator of significant skill, who was then for his elegance of speech renowned and now for his elaborate structure of sentences cursed by generations of scholars of Latin, the language which he spoke and we now study, Cicero, write, rather than by any efficiency, functionality, or ease of legibility have our words, our honors, the breaths of our hearts, be besmirched.
The fact that this has yet to devolve into boustrophedon is a miracle⌠or a challenge. Iâm looking at you @terpsikeraunos @macdicilla @labellamordens
Iâm up to it
if u find urself not wanting 2 label ur sexuality or gender that is totally ok, u can be like a ufo, super cool and unidentifiable.

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GUYS. YOU CAN WATCH THE OCEAN BE EXPLORED ON A LIVE STREAM.Â
GOODBYE
An old and homely grandmother accidentally summons a demon. She mistakes him for her gothic-phase teenage grandson and takes care of him. The demon decides to stay at his new home.
It isnât uncommon for this particular demon to be summonedâfrom exhausting Halloween party pranks in abandoned barns to more legitimate (more exhausting) ceremonies in forestsâbut it has to admit, this is the first time itâs been called forth from its realm into a claustrophobic living room bathed in the dull orange-pink glow of old glass lamps and a multitude of wide-eyed, creepy antique porcelain dolls that could give Chucky a run for his money with all of their silent, seething stares combined. Accompanying those oddities are tea cup and saucer sets on shelves atop frilly doilies crocheted with the utmost care, and cross-stitched, colorful âHome Sweet Homeâs hung across the wood-paneled walls.
Itâs a mistakeâa wrong number, per se. No witch itâs ever known has lived in such an, ah, dated, home. Furthermore, no practitioner that ever summoned it has been absent, as if theyâd up and ding-dong ditched it. No, it didnât work that way. Not at all. Not if they want to survive the encounter.
It hears the clinking of movement in the room adjacentâthe kitchen, going by the pungent, bitter scent of cooled coffee and soggy, sweet sponge cakes, but more jarring is the smell of blood. It movesâfeels something slip beneath its clawed foot as it does, and sees a crocheted blanket of whites and greys and deep black yarn, wound intricately, perfectly, into a summoning circle. Its summoning circle. There is a small splash of bright scarlet and sharp, jagged bits of a broken curio scattered on top, as if someone had dropped it, attempted to pick it up the pieces and pricked their finger. It would explain the blood. And it would explain the demon being brought into this strange place.
As it connects these pieces in its mind, the inhabitant of the house rounds the corner and exits the kitchen, holding a damp, white dish towel close to her hand and fumbling with the beaded bifocals hanging from her neck by a crocheted lanyard before stopping dead in her tracks.
Now, to be fair, the demon wouldnât ordinarily second guess being face-to-face with a hunchbacked crone with a beaked nose, beady eyes and a peculiar lack of teeth, or a spidery shawl and ankle-length black dress, but there is definitely something amiss here. Especially when the old biddy lets her spectacles fall slack on her bosom and erupts into a wide, toothy (toothless) grin, eyes squinting and crinkling from the sheer effort of it.
âTodd! Todd, dear, I didnât know you were visiting this year! You didnât call, you didnât writeâbut, oh, Iâm so happy youâre here, dear! Would it have been too much to ask you to ring the doorbell? I almost had a heart attack. And donât worry about the blood, hereâI had an accident. My favorite figure toppled off of the table and cleanup didnât go as expected. But I seem to recall you are quite into the bloodshed and âedgyâ stuff these days, so I donât suppose you mind.â She releases a hearty, kind laugh, but it isnât mocking, itâs sweet. Grandmotherly. The demon is by no means sentimental or maudlin, but the kindness, the familiarity, the genuine fondness, does pull a few dusty old nostalgic heartstrings. âImagine if it leaves a scar! Itâd be a bit âbadass,â as you teenagers say, wouldnât it?â
She is as blind as a bat without her glasses, it would appear, because the demon is by no means a âToddâ or a human at all, though humanoid, shrouded in sleek, black skin and hard spikes and sharp claws. But the demon humors her, if only because it had been caught off guard.
The old woman smiles still, before turning on her heel and shuffling into the hallway with a stiff gait revealing a poor hip. âBe a dear and make some more coffee, would you please? Iâll be back in a jiffy.â
Yes, this is most definitely a mistake. One for the record books, for certain. For late-night trips to bars and conversations with colleagues, while others discuss how many souls theyâd swindled in exchange for peanuts, or how many first-borns theyâd been pledged for things idiot humans could have gained without divine intervention. Ugh. Sometimes it all just became so pedantic that little detours like this were a blessingâhappy accidents, as the humans would say.
Thatâs why the demon does as asked, and plods slowly into the kitchen, careful to duck low and avoid the top of the doorframe. Thatâs why it gingerly takes the small glass pot and empties it of old, stale coffee and carefully, so carefully, takes a measuring scoop between its claws and fills the machine with fresh grounds. Itâs as the hot water is percolating that the old woman returns, her index finger wrapped tight in a series of beige bandages.
âIâm surprised youâre so tall, Todd! I havenât seen you since you were at my hip! But your mother mails photos all the timeâyou do love wearing all black, donât you?â She takes a seat at the small round table in the corner and taps the glass lid of the cake plate with quaking, unsteady, aged hands. âI was starting to think youâd never visit. Your father and I have had our disagreements, butâŚI am glad youâre here, dear. Would you like some cake?â Before the demon has a chance to decline, she lifts the lid and cuts a generous slice from the near-complete circle that has scarcely been touched. It smells of citrus and cream and is, as assumed earlier, soggy, oversaturated with icing.
It was made for a special occasion, for guests, but it doesnât seem this old woman receives much company in this musty, stagnant house that smells like an antique garage that hadnât had its dust stirred in years.
Especially not from her absentee grandson, Todd.
The demon waits until the coffee pot is full, and takes two small mugs from the counter, filling them until steam is frothing over the rims. Then, and only then, does it accept the cake and sit, with some difficulty, in a small chair at the small table. It warbles out a polite âthank you,â but it doesnât suppose the woman understands. Manners are manners regardless.
âOh, dear, I can hardly understand. Your voice has gotten so deep, just like your grandfatherâs was. That, and I do recall you have an affinity for that gravelly, screaming music. Did your voice get strained? Itâs alright, dear, Iâll do the talking. You just rest up. The coffee will help soothe.â
The demon merely nodsâsome communication can be understood without failâand drinks the coffee and eats the cake with a too-small fork. Itâs ordinary, mushy, but delicious because of the intent behind it and the love that must have gone into its creation.
âI hope you enjoyed all of the presents I sent you. You never write backâbut I am aware most people use that fancy E-mail these days. I just canât wrap my head around it. I do wish your mom and dad would visit sometime. I know of a wonderful little cafĂŠ down the street we can go to. I havenât been; I wanted to visit it with Charles, before heâŚwell.â She falls silent in her rambling, staring into her coffee with a small, melancholy smile. âI canât believe itâs been ten years. You never had the chance to meet him. But never mind that.â Suddenly, and with surprising speed that has the demon concerned for her well being, she moves to her feet, bracing her hands on the edge of the table. âI may as well give you your birthday present, since youâre here. What timing! I only finished it this morning. Iâll be right back.â
When she returns, the white, grey and black crocheted work with the summoning circle is bundled in her arms. Â
âI found these designs in an occult book I borrowed from the library. I thought youâd like them on a nice, warm blanket to fight off the winter chillâI hope you do like it.â With gentle hands, she spreads the blanket over the demonâs broad, spiky back like a shawl, smoothing it over craggy shoulders and patting its arms affectionately. âHappy birthday, Todd, dear.â
Well, that settles it. Whoever, wherever, Todd is, heâs clearly missing out. The demon will just have to be her grandson from now on.
this is so sweet. it made me want to hug someone.
i had to
I WOULD WATCH SIX SEASONS AND A MOVIE
Okay but she takes him to the little cafe and all of the people in her town are like âWhat is that thing, what the hell, Anette?â and sheâs like âDonât you remember my grandson Todd?â and the entire town just has to play along because no one will tell little old Nettie that her grandson is an actual demon because this is the happiest sheâs been since her husband died.
Bonus: In season 4 she makes him run for mayor and he wins
I just want to watch âToddâ help her with groceries, and help her with cooking, and help her clean up the dust around the house and air it out, and fill it with spring flowers because Anette mentioned she loved hyacinth and daffodils.  Over the seasons her eyesight worsens, so âToddâ brings a hellhound into the house to act as her seeing eye dog, and people in town are kinda terrified of this massive black brute with fur that drips like thick oil, and a mouth that can open all the way back to its chest, but âHoneyâ likes her hard candies, and doesnât get oil on the carpet, and when âToddâ has to go back to Hell for errands, Honey will snuggle up to Anette and rest his giant head on her lap, and whuff at her pockets for butterscotch. Anette never gives âToddâ her soul, but she gives him her heart
In season six, Anette gets sick. She spends most of the season bedridden and it becomes obvious by about midway through the season that sheâs not going to make it to the end of the season. Todd spends the season travelling back and forth between the human realm and his home plane, trying hard to find something, anything that will help Anette get better, to prolong her life. Heâs tried getting her to sell him her soul, but sheâs just laughed, told him that he shouldnât talk like that. With only a few episodes left in the season Anette passes away, Todd is by her side. When the reaper comes for her Todd asks about the fate of her soul. In a dispassionate voice the reaper informs Todd that Anette spent the last few years of her life cavorting with creatures of darkness, that there can be only one fate for her. Todd refuses to accept this and he fights the reaper, eventually injuring the creature and driving it off. Knowing that Anette cannot stay in the Human Realm, and refusing to allow her spirit to be taken by another reaper, so he takes her soul in his arms. Heâs done this before, when mortals have sold themselves to him. This time the soul cradled against his chest does not snuggle and fight. This time the soul held tight against him reaches out, pats him on the cheek tells him he was a good boy, and so handsome, just like his grandfather. Todd takes Anette back to the demon realm, holding her tight against him as he travels across the bleak and forebidding landscape; such a sharp contrast to the rosy warmth of Anetteâs home. Eventually, in a far corner of his home plane, Todd finds what he is looking for. It is a place where other demons do not tread; a large boulder cracked and broken, with a gap just barely large enough for Todd to fit through. This crack, of all things, gives him pause, but Anetteâs soul makes a comment about needing to get home in time to feed Honey, and Todd forces himself to pass through it. He travels in darkness for a while, before he emerges into into a light so bright that itâs blinding. His eyes adjust slowly, and he finds himself face to face with two creatures, each of them at least twice his size one of them has six wings and the head of a lion, one of them is an amorphous creature within several rings. The lion-headed one snarls at Todd, and demands that he turn back, that he has no business here. Todd looks down, holding Anetteâs soul against his chest, he takes a deep breath, and speaks a single word, âPlease.â The two larger beings are taken aback by this. They are too used to Toddâs kind being belligerent, they consult with each other, they argue. The amorphous one seems to want to be lenient, the lion-headed one insists on being stricter. While theyâre arguing Todd sneaks by them and runs as fast as he can, deeper into the brightly lit expanse. The path on which he travels begins to slope upwards, and eventually becomes a staircase. It becomes evident that each step further up the stair is more and more difficult for Todd, that itâs physically paining him to climb these stairs, but he keeps going.
They dedicate a full episode to this climb; interspersing the climb with scenes they werenât able to show in previous seasons, Anette and Honey coming to visit Todd in the Mayorâs office, Anette and Todd playing bingo together for the first time, Anette and Todd watching their stories together in the mid afternoon, Anette falling asleep in her chair and Todd gently carrying her to bed. Anette making Todd lemonade in the summer while heâs up on the roof fixing that leak and cleaning out the rain gutters. Eventually Todd reaches the top, and all but collapses, he falls to a knee and for the first time his grip on Anetteâs soul slips, and she falls away from him. Landing on the ground. He reaches out for her, but someone gets there first. Another hand reaches out, and helps this elderly woman off the ground, helps her get to her feet. Anette gasps, itâs Charles. The pair of them throw their arms around each other. Anette tells Charles that sheâs missed him so much, and she has so much to tell him. Charles nods. Todd watches a soft smile on his face. A delicate hand touches Toddâs shoulder, and pulls him easily to his feet. A figure; we never see exactly what it looks like, leans down, whispering in Toddâs ear that heâs done well, and that Anette will be well taken care of here. That she will spend an eternity with her loved ones. Todd looks back over to her, sheâs surrounded by a sea of people. Todd nods, and smiles. The figure behind him tells him that while he has done good in bringing Anette here, this is not his place, and he must leave. Todd nods, he knew this would be the case. Todd gets about six steps down the stairway before he is stopped by someone grabbing his shoulder again. He turns around, and Anette is standing behind him. She gives him a big hug and leads him back up the stairs, he should stay, she says. Get to know the family. Todd tries to tell her that he canât stay, but she wonât hear it. She leads him up into the crowd of people and begins introducing him to long dead relatives of hers, all of whom give him skeptical looks when she introduces him as her grandson. The mysterious figure appears next to Todd again and tells him once more he must leave, Todd opens his mouth to answer but Anette cuts him off. Nonsense, she tells the figure. IF sheâs gonna stay here forever her grandson will be welcome to visit her. She and the figure stare at each other for a moment. The figure eventually sighs and looks away, the figure asks Todd if sheâs always like this. Todd just shrugs and smiles, allowing Anette to lead him through a pair of pearly gates, sheâs already talking about how much cake theyâll need to feed all of these relatives.Â
This got so much better since last I reblogged.
when another âhistory ofâ video by bill wurtz gets released and u can sense the memes coming

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do you ever think about what your traits would be if you were a sim
The Evolution of Douchebag Style [full video]
Iâm screaming
reblog flying ass giant pants guys for a fortune of good luck and good cashÂ
this is a cursed post that is capable of delivering good deeds
itâs the babadookâs chill cousin; the jeandeine
narcissa malfoy was probably the most powerful occlumens in hogwarts history and nobody knew
she literally stood up to lord voldemort and lied that harry potter was dead and i donât know about you but if i were an evil ruler i would probably want to triple-check that my nemesis was, you know, actually deceased
voldemort had actual doubts about snape
narcissa swans on by without a whisper, without a second glance
narcissa malfoy understood from a young age that she was meant to do only a few things: look pretty, say nothing, and marry well.Â
narcissa malfoy understood those rules, and she layered her mind with them.Â
look pretty. wear the most expensive robes. grandmotherâs pearls. curl your hair every night. think only of clothes and dimples and the way your hair falls when you flutters you eyelashes at a boy.Â
say nothing. donât speak when mother and father are screaming at each other. demurely look down as another boy asks you to dance. retreat into the reading room when your family friends, known death eaters and criminals, pay your parents a visit and speak in hushed voices over tea. think of pretty things.Â
marry well. marry into a family of your parentsâ friends. bear children. wear pearls and look demure and think of nothing but pretty, pretty things, like the way your husbandâs hair gleams in candlelight.Â
masters must learn the rules before they can break them. narcissa learned the rules so well that they wrapped around her; sank into her skin and her mind. they protect her from enemies. they conceal the quick, strategic plots ticking her brain into gear every moment of every day. they hide the calculation of each smile, each movement.Â
narcissa is so good, so perfect, that no one will ever know. Â
#look like the flower but be the serpent underneath
# I actually have lots of thoughts about this # I think she got away with lying so easily because Voldemort would never have expected her to # I donât think she even needed to use occlumency # because why would /some silly women/ # /Luciusâ wife/ # ever lie to /The Dark Lord/? # she wouldnât be smart enough # she wouldnât be brave enough # she wouldnât be selfless enough # Voldemort is an absolute idiot when it comes to the things that really matter # âHouselves childrenâs tales love loyalty innocenceâ
#voldy was shocked when he found out his mom was the witch #he assumed his father would be magical
and there you have it.
rb again for that meta, damn
Not only was this one of the most badass moments of the books, but it was genuinely surprising without being some Random Shit Out Of Fucking Nowhere that some authors/scriptwriters think is all there is to being surprising/shocking.
Because it makes perfect sense. Of course Narcissa would turn on Voldemort without a second thought to protect her son. Not only because sheâs his mother, but because thatâs how Voldemort was defeated the first time around, and Voldemort cannot change or learn. 1980â˛s Voldemort was defeated because of a motherâs love, Lilyâs sacrifice for Harry. Lily was not considered important to Voldemort, only James and Harry were. Voldemort was even willing to spare her for Snape, if she didnât put up a fight (which of course she did). To him, Lily was irrelevant, because she was a woman and Muggle-born. Voldemort underestimated her, and it cost him. So naturally he would do the same thing again in the 90â˛s, focusing on Harry and the prophecy, never considering the thing that defeated him before might do so again. He was wary of Lucius and Draco, but underestimated Narcissa and it lead directly to his defeat. And she KNEW he did, and used it to her advantage.
This short-sightedness is even reflected in his most ardent supporter Bellatrix, who was also killed by a furious mother protecting her child.
A motherâs love started the series, and a motherâs love ended it.
A motherâs love started the series, and a motherâs love ended it.
YES.
Blessed are the mothers, whose love is constantly underestimated. Â
WHY
Jesus RIPPED the bread apart with his BARE HANDS and THREW it at his disciples like a FOOTBALL. âThese are my righteous ABS, PECS, BICEPS, and GLUTES. I give them up to you, BROSâŚ.. no homo thoughâ

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Return from the Stars, by Stanislaw Lem, published 1961.
this is wild
Trying to write a dnd campaign
Player 1: I want to play a cleric w a really sad and dramatic backstory
Player 2: I wanna play an orc who has his dick out 100% of the time