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hey what’s up guys welcome back to binging with babish. today we’re making a tuna melt from heated rivalry. for the sake of screen-accuracy I’ll be pounding this hunk through a mattress
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seeing considerably less stay at home girlfriend and girl math shit and more “brooo imagine being a trad anything and giving up your job for some guy to have you a single argument away from homelessness 😭” from women online of all ages
Okay so since this hasn't died yet, I feel like I have to add to it. The story re: my dept. lead also being on Tumblr and us outing each other with the sacred texts is like, one of the least weird/that sounds fake things that's ever happened to me.
Some of the greatest hits include:
-Was taken to the military funeral of a total stranger in the swamp lands of Louisiana by another total stranger when I thought I was going to a work meeting. (A funeral that ended with the words 'Sombitch y'all done shot MeeMaw!')
-Asked Zac Efron to take a photo with me in 2008 and then getting so flustered that I asked 'Do you want to use my camera or yours?' (he was very nice and said 'Why don't we use yours.')
-Was dressed exactly the same as every single person in my company (not in a company uniform, we were all dressed like our IT guy) when we were raided by the FBI.
-Got asked out at my mother's funeral.
-Signed an autograph as Kat Dennings to a VERY drunk man at the Nashville Airport just to get him to leave me alone.
-Attended my husband's 15th high school reunion alone and entirely by accident.
-Had a man come into my cafe and harass my employees and when I told him to leave he got up in my face and said 'I can gut you like a fucking fish.' And with my utter lack of will to live, I said, without blinking or moving, 'You can try.'
-Acted as maid of honor and gave a wedding toast for a couple I did not know because the bride was desperate to not have her awful sister have the microphone and ruin everything.
Since @grimeysociety asked, I shall expound upon the tale of being raided by the FBI.
Back in 2018, I started working for a whole body donation center. If you don't know what that is, it's when someone decides to donate their bodies to science, we're like 'Yeah, hi, we'll take it.'
This company was very much on the up-and-up. We had pristine medical facilities, quarterly state inspections, all the right certifications, the whole nine. HOWEVER that's not the case for every whole body donation center in the country.
(If you're considering donation, it's a wonderful gift, but PLEASE research the company you're planning to use.)
For instance, there was a place somewhere in the US Southwest that, it turns out, was basically running a Frankenstein factory. I'm not going to go into details, but there's a Reuters article about it and it's pretty much the most horrific thing you can think of.
They were using Home Depot power tools for tissue harvest and Rubbermaid containers for transport. That is all I will say. That, and about 10% of the FBI team that raided their site had to go on mental health leave immediately after because they had insane PTSD.
SO. Where do I come in?
Well, as I said, I was working at a different, entirely reputable WBD, but when there are only about 15 organizations in the country that provide the same service as a Frankenstein factory, naturally, someone in charge thinks it's probably a good idea to check in with the rest of them. Just in case.
Fast forward to October of 2018 and allow me to introduce Josh* into the narrative.
Josh was our IT guy. He was our on-site, tech guru, long-suffering, likely underpaid and overworked IT guy. He was the floor model IT guy. Tall, bearded, very quiet, very good at his job and had a tendency to wear the same thing to work pretty much all the time. Black jeans, black t-shirt, white tennis shoes, red flannel shirt and a black beanie.
Every day. Rain, shine, 90 degrees, 20 degrees, didn’t matter. This was Josh’s uniform.
So about a week before Halloween, we all get together to start talking about playing a little joke on Josh. We all decided we were going to dress up as Josh for Halloween. Everyone could assemble a little Josh costume, oh it’ll be so funny, we might even get him to laugh. Everyone was on board. EVERYONE from the receptionist to the CEO--everyone was doing this.
Halloween that year fell on a Wednesday. Unfortunately for us and our brilliant plan, Josh did not work on Wednesdays. So we decided it would actually be even funnier if we all dressed up on November 1st. So that Josh would come into work on a seemingly random Thursday and see everyone dressed up as him.
And it worked! Everyone did it! Josh actually laughed and sent out a little email telling us all how funny he thought it was, grading people’s Joshumes. A wonderful day.
Until about 1pm when the FBI arrived to raid our office.
They herded us into one of the lecture rooms and explained what they were doing there, made sure we didn't go back to our offices or make any phone calls, basically babysat us until the other members of their team could secure the files they needed and inspect the facilities.
We were all so freaked out that no one was thinking about what we all must have looked like. 75 employees. Sitting together in a room. All dressed exactly alike from our beanies down to our white sneakers.
I didn't realize how it looked either until one of the other FBI agents came in and straight up stopped in his tracks at the sight of all of us and under his breath went, "What in the actual Christ..."
Then they closed our office for 2 days while they investigated further, found no wrong-doing, and let us return to business as usual.
No one ever suggested we do a group costume again.
Imagine that you are an FBI investigator and you have heard all of the horror stories about Frankenstein's for-profit nightmare factory. Your co-workers have talked about it, there have been team meetings about being respectful of people's trauma and counseling services available, hell maybe you were there. And now you're getting ready to raid another facility which might be the same. You go to sleep the night before wondering if you're going to find a perfectly ordinary office or if you're going to have nightmares for for the rest of your life about what you find.
And then you walk into the facility and it's perfectly clean. Everything in order, paperwork filed, nothing amiss.
Except every single fucking person in the entire building is wearing the exact same outfit, from their beanies down to their shoes. Like you walked into a movie theater which you knew was either going to be playing The Human Centipede or Gray's Anatomy, and it's playing Gray's Anatomy but also every single seat is occupied by a mannequin with its head turned towards the entrance.
I wonder if they thought they'd accidentally walked into a cult, some new and special way for things to be fucked up.
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If you all will allow me a moment to analyze the competition as it exists, there's something interesting going on with the numbers.
As we all know, thanks to the support of the good people of Tumblr, Tylenol has experienced a meteoric rise to second place. Even though her competition is stiff, I believe in Tylenol's ability to go the distance.
But let's take a look at the competition:
Elmer seems to be a lovely boy. I have no qualms with Elmer, and think he would look fantastic on a beer can. But what about Elmer's campaigns? Who is the power behind the throne here, and how have they managed to find such breakout success on this competition?
A handful of wealthy donors are trying to buy this competition.
At the end of the day, all donations are good donations here. This is a charity event so every penny earned is going to help animals in need. But it's not lost on me that Elmer's current ranking is thanks entirely to a few individuals with the financial means to put their thumbs on the scale.
Tylenol's donors, comparatively, are small and numerous, mostly $1-10 donations from many passionate believers in what she stands for (autism and pain relief I think).
Overall, the donations tell a very different story than what the base ranking shows you. Elmer is held aloft by just 24 donors and bolstered by a few wealthy patrons, whereas Tylenol has won the hearts of literally hundreds of people. Even the current third place, Abby, owes her ranking to numerous small contributions rather than one or two large ones.
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& honestly there's no debate to be had the zendaya earrings are orders of magnitude worse than kim kardashian wearing that marilyn dress. yes that piece was a one of a kind unique textile made so specifically for marilyn monroe she had to be sewn into it. at the end of the day it was a ~70 year old usamerican cultural artefact being repurposed by an american for an american cultural event and everyone involved knows exactly where the dress came from + what happened to it + where it went afterwards. zendaya is wearing the looted (or forged) cultural heritage of a people her government is currently bombing & whose lives they have been deliberately making unliveable for decades to a movie premiere that has fuck all to do with iran. we don't know where those discs came from where they were found or by whom & we never will. AND the jeweller appears to have altered them substantially from their original condition. destroying a people's cultural heritage at the same time you destroy their country + their lives so you can look good on a red carpet One Time i want to fucking hurl
The earrings, worn by Zendaya at The Odyssey press tour, are believed to be 2,000-3,000 years old and come at a time when the US is bombing
An archaeologist quoted in the article says "the point of these earrings is not to showcase legitimate ancient artistry, it is to fetishize the past, to be a commodity, stolen from the elite, circulated illegally, and immorally…this is about class signalling."
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