captain apostrophe

imagining a universe where porn is a marketable genre so you have to deal with raycon ads while trying to jerk your shit

You’re an easy slut, aren’t you kitten? Almost as easy as dinner with Hellofresh

Cigarettes give you cancer, alcohol gives you cancer….. what’s next? the fire retardant in my ceiling that I like to inhale for good luck???

i've searched every combination of words imaginable and i still can't find that gif of the german star trek parody where gay spock is quickly drinking coffee and smoking freaking out PLEASE send it to me i need it urgently

Everyone has an accent it came free with your language 🙄

Congrats to every reply like this for failing to understand the fundamental definition of an accent. Of course you think you sound normal! It's the way you speak!

Gonna sign language at you in a very southern accent

I have had a lot of evil people say to me that nothing taste as good as skinny feels and every time im like no im pretty sure food tastes really super good actually

I have GOT to stop spending $30

if cis people are so great then why don’t they have a siberian orchestra 

"do it scared" gets exhausting when you're The Fearful Afraider and everything is scary even when you're in your 30s