The Captain

the horrific way language evolves in a group chat

as part of their ongoing boycott, Canada will no longer provide the US with totally real long-distance girlfriends who definitely exist

you let one thing slide and a mf starts ice skating

Oat milk was discovered much more recently than you may have known. Like many now-familiar technologies, it was discovered by accident during the Apollo program when NASA discovered what a zero-g environment does to goat milk.

"i look forward to hearing back" implies a beautiful world that runs on sense-direction combinations. i smell sideways to tasting up. i palpate inwards to listening diagonal, so that i can hunger clockwise

"like a boss" by lonely island was released ten thousand years ago when mammoths still roamed the big wide world. feel old yet?

settings > wound > my wound > reopen

Umm.. 🫵your m🫵utual runs a 🫵 bug porn sideblo🫵g 👍 ignore my hand ✌️ i cant control it right now 👍✌️👍👉stop that

i'm a pretty princess

everyone knows this

Being high has me saying things like “I like friends” as if it’s some profound relization

Actually I think I do this sober too

love the genre of discourse that’s like “the world used to be [thing it never was] but now society is [I’m over thirty]”