What stuff?

Because this is definitely just Cas in clothes he stole from Dean working his own case

losechester boys

also, ref

I mean, there he is, pointing out something he passively "did" as a mere infant (being born, being targeted by Azazel) as a way to bizarrely equalize himself and Jack. It feels like a very forced way to parallel them.

A closer parallel could've been when soulless Sam almost sacrificed Bobby, or when Godstiel called them nostalgia and almost moved to kill them, or when Demon Dean was seconds from bashing Sam's head in with a hammer, or when Mary almost blew Sam and Dean's brains out while under the MoL influence, etc etc.

These "almosts" are soooo much closer in nature to what actually happened than Sam pivoting to the circumstances of his birth! "I killed mom" has the same abstract feeling of self-worthlessness that "not being pure" does. It's inherent. Inevitable. Uncontrollable. Just a fact of life. Passive.

Aside/// Sam's internalized hatred of "ever being born" doesn't happen in a vacuum, for sure. This is something that numerous characters also blamed Sam for, like the clever "aside" to the audience in the "Nutcracker" game during Changing Channels:

GAMESHOW ANNOUNCER: Would your Mother and Father still be alive... if your brother was never born?

(The answer is, of course, at least in Gabe's world: yes.)

But it's still interesting to me how it unintentionally allows Sam to sidestep... a lot of real decisions, like what you mentioned, the Emma thing.

It also allows him to sidestep his not-decisions, like doing nothing after Kevin got kidnapped. Even later, when Sam focused on "letting Dean down so hard he had to turn to other brothers," he doesn't explicitly mention his abandonment OF other people, like for example Kevin. Crowley does this exact same thing imho when he rants about Kevin's (lack of) safety being mostly attributable to The Winchesters (TM) positioning himself as the wise, savvy one who "warned Kevin" of the danger (no matter that Crowley tortured Kev and killed Kev's relatively harmless fellow students. Not to mention tortured his friggin' mom). If memory serves, Cas calls Crowley out on this, lol.

Anyway, later when Lucifer mentions "the Amelia and the dog thing," Kevin does not feature there either, at least not obviously? By contrast, with respect to Dean's feeling of guilt and also the later assignment of blame for Kevin's death by Sam, Crowley and Metatron: Kevin gets mentioned a good bit! Usually directly TO Dean. Surprise, surprise.)

I personally think it'd be much more emotionally trying for Sam to bring up actual things he's done over the years (something-something human sacrifice, almost killing Bobby, Emma, that one Lester dude he preyed on, Oskar, etc.)

It reminds me a bit of his words in Tombstone to Jack:

Sam takes a deep breath, trying to follow up all that heavy honesty with his own wisdom. This time, he tries mimicking Cas’s earlier words, which seemed to work in the car. (Notably, he misses them mark because he’s not specific like Cas was. Cas underlines that he’s killed people he loves, but Sam keeps it vaguer: “Things we regret.”) And with Sam, Jack shuts down again. He’s sharp about it this time. Jack’s body language has Sam reeling back, hands up.

transcript: SAM: Jack, look, this life, what we do, it's… it’s not easy. And we’ve all done things we regret. JACK (very sharp): Just don’t. 

So yeah, while a feeling of inherent self-worthlessness is absolutely crushing in its own right, I think it's fascinating to consider that in some ways, it allows for an abstract "original sin," that allows Sam to look away from his actual mistakes.

sketch of Dean in thee bisexual robe based on this 💚

Sometimes I chat with folks and we're surprised to revisit the fact that Cas killed Balthazar in a fit of cruel paranoia before he ever gulped in the soul juice.

Cas is incredibly paranoid when he kills Balthazar, and it was quite possibly one of his worst moments. It seems irrational and mad at the time, but Cas's psyche is actually very understandable. Cas was betrayed by Heaven numerous times from seasons 4-6. That set him up to be backed into a corner.

In early season 4, Heaven drags him in for torture for daring to even consider warning Dean about their corrupt plans.

Uriel tries to kill him and join Lucifer.

At the end of season 4, Cas gets brutally murdered for standing up for what he feels is right. Bazillions of years of military service and loyalty mean nothing to his superiors, and he's vaporized in an instant. He seems particularly betrayed by Raphael.

When Cas returns to Heaven post-Apocalypse #1, he's ashamed that they want to start up Apocalypse #2. He even stands against Raphael at first! Interestingly, Raphael doesn't kill him again but "knocks him into next week." I think this hints that Raphael was at one time fond of Castiel, or else he'd have simply killed him again.

So, angelic civil war.

Cas doesn't go to Dean or Sam or Bobby because he's ashamed of Heaven, and above all, he wants to protect them. Not to mention, he didn't want to make them a target because to angels, they're a relatively soft target. While he's in battle, he can't be there to protect them.

So away, Cas and Crowley go for a SuperMario power-up by tapping Purgatory's battery. Meanwhile, Cas convinces a team of angels to stand with him against Raphael.

Even with his "show of power" via the souls Crowley loaned to him (and I'm guessing Cas can wield soul power in a way Crowley cannot?), that's still a big risk those rebel angels are taking.

And Cas doesn't tell them critical parts of his plan. Because he knows his plan is wrong. He doesn't even tell Balthazar everything. But more importantly, he doesn't trust Heaven. Thanks to what Heaven has wrought, Cas doesn't even trust his rebel angels--the ones brave enough to take on friggin' Raphael with him.

I mean, sure. He was always going to double-cross Crowley, but it didn't even cross his mind to divvy up the soul power with Balthazar or his rebel angels. That's because he's paranoid of them turning on him.

To clarify, I think this is lovely for Cas. It's what makes him such a hard-hitting, wonderful character. He lives with his guilt, and he tries to do better anyway. He's, to quote a friend, "the knife emoji trying not to be a knife emoji."

I actually like season 6--it shows that the angels have lasting psychological wounds from living under Heaven's brutal regime. And yet, remarkably, they all *try* to exercise their free will and do what they think is right.

For better or for worse, Uriel decides to stand with Lucifer. "Something is wrong up there, Castiel."

Anna tries to go back in time to prevent the Apocalypse. "Sam Winchester has to die. I'm really sorry about this."

Lucifer: "Let's walk off the board, brother."

Rachel gets intel about Purgatory and confronts her superior--knows it's too dangerous to undertake, "(You can't win the war) this way, Castiel."

Ion despairs and turns to being a double-agent, "Do you even know what the mission was? They've been in all our heads!"

Samandriel: "Listen to me closely. I've been there. I know! They're controlling us, Castiel"

Even Metatron: "You ran me from my home! Did you really think you could do all of that to me and there'd be no payback?"

Muriel: "Each side is rounding up those who try and stay neutral. Angels are being tortured and killed if they don't pledge loyalty."

Malachi: "Virtue is its own punishment."

I'm sure there are more. Everyone who lived under Heaven was affected. I kinda like that Cas had lasting effects from Heaven's war machine. Season 6 was him spiraling hard from the psychological wounds of Heaven, and it kept going well into the entirety of the series, all the way to Dumah's insurrection and manipulation of Jack.

///

This history is part of why I think Cas is so patient with others in his family (with Sam, with Dean, with Mary, with Jack!)

CASTIEL: Jack, I've killed people who didn't deserve it… my friends– I've killed people I loved. I wish I could tell you that it– that it gets easier, that with time, it hurts less, but that would be a lie because it– it never gets easier. And those moments, they never stop hurting. But that doesn't mean that you should stop fighting. Doesn't mean that just because you made a mistake – and that's what this is, Jack. It's a mistake. That doesn't mean that you can't– can't be better, do better. I believe that. I have to believe that.

Cas forgives others because he struggles to forgive himself. Cas killed people he loved: Balthazar, Samandriel, and countless others. He wants to believe that Jack can be better, do better. Because, as I said above, he wants to see something Angelic being a Good force for the world.

///

And yet, Cas seems to come to terms with being brutal, with being the knife. We see that on display so well in season 13. He becomes very comfortable with wielding his his violence during times of war to protect those he's chosen to be with.

We see him integrating his angelic brutality->when he mind-melts Donatallo, when he fights his way to Jack & Mary, when he tortures AU informants for information.

(It's illustrated beautifully in Meredith's script. "You're more than a weapon, Cas." "In times of peace, I can be.") But if war is coming, Cas will get in front of everyone he loves; he'll do the ugly thing. He's a soldier. He's good with that. To him, it's worth the cost. His morality is comfortably flexible.