bee's diary

They have this saying, "Be the adult you needed when you were a child," and I kept replaying that over and over. Thinking about the little girl who would spend her days daydreaming of who I would become. Maybe even who I am today. I remember her having so much hopes and dreams; living in an apartment in the city, having a fun and healthy lifestyle that was filled with love, laughter, sometimes some sadness, sometimes with anger. But it would be a life that I could call my own. The main thing she thought of was I became the woman I needed when I was a little girl. Someone who was filled with love, kindness, strength, and wisdom despite of the world's cruelty. Someone who would choose herself. Someone who would put on a brave face in front of a crowd regardless of her scars, and would heal them behind closed doors. Just.. someone she could look up to.

I find myself looking back to that little girl. More importantly on days that seem so slow, on days that I wish that would end quicker or entirely. I think about her innocent and sweet heart; her sparkling, big eyes filled with hopes and dreams for me.. and it reminds me of my purpose. That I am not just doing this for me now, I am doing this for her as well. I would think that how could I give up.. on her? How could I break her little heart? The little one that believed in me..

She gives me strength. And I will owe it all to her. I do owe it to her. I could not, for the life in me, have the heart to let her down. And someday, I will make her proud. Fulfilled even.

I’ve always valued independence. As humans, we naturally depend on those close to us, even if it’s just someone we’ve briefly interacted with. The saying ‘no man is an island’ holds true — we can’t stand alone. Yet, there are times when the weight of constant dependence feels overwhelming, and I find myself yearning for a way to break free from it.

Wishing there was some way to do so.

Growing up, I naturally relied on the adults around me – a typical aspect of childhood when the world beyond your home is still a mystery. However, the individuals I chose to look up to or depend on consistently let me down. Despite my efforts to be more understanding and patient, promises were made only to be taken back. I used to think, 'Give them some slack, right?' But over time, I realized that this mindset led me to become overly accommodating, with no boundaries. I forgave and dismissed, offering excuses like forgetfulness or busyness. I didn't mind it at first, until it became a recurring pattern, and my feelings were consistently overlooked. It was a heartbreaking realization, one that happened repeatedly.

I keep hoping that one day someone would show up for me. And as my disappointment grew, so did the walls I had relecntantly built. That's when I realized, why do I bother? Why do I allow myself these disappointments? These heartbreaks? When I could do it for myself. I can show up for myself. You can show up for yourself. Take yourself on dates, maybe go exploring new hobbies and activities. Create boundaries, respect yourself to walk away when you know someone is not matching your energy. Create a healthy lifestyle for yourself. Comfort yourself, doing the things you love. You can rely on yourself to never do what was done to you, you could choose not to do the same to the people you will meet in the future. You could break the cycle. It wouldn’t reach everyone, but it would reach someone. And that alone can make a difference. Show up for yourself. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Because at the end of the day, who will? Who can you truly rely on to never disappoint you?

If you have an answer to that question, then I envy you. But if you don’t, then maybe it’s time you look at yourself in the mirror and be the person you needed when nobody else was there.

When you love, I hope you never forget who you are. I hope you still allow yourself some time to do things that bring you joy; maybe it's reading as you are cuddled in your bed, maybe it's taking long walks in the park alone, maybe it's taking yourself out to dinner. It doesn't matter so long as you still do the things you did before you became a 'we'. So that when you are left with nothing— when that person chooses to walk away from you— you will still be able to stand again. You won't be lost, confused on who you are because the only 'you' you knew was the you that was with that person.

Also, for my followers that are still there or for anyone who can read anything I post here, I'd love to know your thoughts on what I write. Is it too sad? Should I liven it up a bit? The comment section is open for you.

Thanks. Lots of love,

Maybe that's why sometimes we just get quiet. Maybe that's why we can never truly be content because we will always have that space to fill. And we're all out here trying to find something to help pacify it.

I wanna believe that maybe we could find something to fill it, but there's this heavy thought in my mind that.. what if...

How do you know love to be? Is it just like the ones we watch on TV? Is it just like the movies where the guy catches a glimpse of the most beautiful girl in a crowded room and just know.. know that this is it; she is the one. Is it truly how that works? Is that truly love?

Because this is how I know love.

It's the loud and obnoxious laughter of his as he tries to put a smile on me; joking around like little kids. It's the breathtaking glint in his chocolate brown orbs as he stared me down with all the adoration and love he could muster in his beating heart. It's the encouraging words he whispers in my ear when the tears won't stop. It's the care and the softness in them even when we disagree or annoy the hell out of each other. It's the warmth of his presence alone... it's him. It's him in his plain old shirts and shorts; it's him with his hair gelled back to perfection and his ravishing cologne that could always make me weak in the knees. It's him. It's him in every sense of the word---

But it's also me. It's me waking up every morning and pushing through. It's me working out to better myself. It's me smiling myself in the mirror regardless of the messy hair and stinky morning breath. It's me being aware of all my flaws and yet loving them because that's what builds me.

You see I never thought I deserved the kind of love I had grown up watching on screen. The kind of love that makes the whole world stop because two souls finally found their better halves. Completing them. I never believed the idea of it all. It's all just a fairy tale. But hypocritically of me for wanting still to have some sort of love like that. However as he got off his clean white car and smiled my way, holding a bouquet of flowers written with my name on it, and his heart on his sleeves for me to take.. I knew I didn't need some sort of happily-ever-after. I needed a reality check. A love that was genuine. One that will stood the test of time.. one that won't turn its back on me when the whole world already has. One that will assure me that everything will be alright, just take my hand and let me show you. One that built a home for me to shelter in.

One that includes him and myself... whether it means separately or together.

You know when you get on a rollercoaster and things are running smoothly until you start to climb up. You could see everything from the top; the wind blowing your hair and the beautiful scenery before you. It brings you serenity, watching things from that advantage point. However, you suddenly reach the point where the thing has to drop down and you have no choice but to hold onto your seat and watch as everything unfolds before you-- watch as everything that was doing good and beautifully suddenly becomes all distorted and confusing, your heart racing or jumping up and down with adrenaline or fear.

I didn't want to deal with all that yet. It's hardwork. No relationship goes on without it. But I'm not sure if I am truly ready to face it all.