mom said i can read fanfic if its ok w ur mom

"am I being annoying" are you aware that my heart is trying to crawl out of my chest to get to you

did a bit of driving through the state of georgia today and wound up driving through a small town that i later discovered was called newborn, which is an odd name but doesn’t technically have anything wrong with it, except for the fact that i nearly gave myself whiplash doing a double-take at a building sign advertising NEWBORN TAXIDERMY

the cat was sleeping cutely so i took a picture and went to show it to my mom and she burst out laughing and pulled out her phone and showed me a near identical one she'd taken a few minutes before

I mean, in some very interesting Technically Correct ways, they didn't actually die? Now, they're very much no longer alive. But the forces involved are such that they didn't get any of the usual cellular processes of death, they simply went from biology to physics in less time than it takes a signal to travel down your optic nerve.

if you go from biology to physics without dying first you don’t go to heaven the uber driver went over this

gonna be honest i don’t know how many more ‘enter the 6 digit code we sent to your phone’s i got left in me

modern patrick bateman sees FINANCE BROS = CHUD sharpied on a public bathroom stall and then brutally executes a grubhub delivery bot in the street

i should quit my job and search for the golden ant

its actually going pretty well

This fucking prick.

just saw a pigeon doing the puffed up courtship dance thing to another pigeon, and as he was strutting around he suddenly stopped for a split second to do a very brief preen-peck at his own side, then returned to the strutting around. and i surprised myself by instantly losing respect for the male pigeon in that moment, like come on man i appreciate you had an itch or whatever but how is she supposed to feel special when you're getting distracted by bullshit like that? which on reflection i don't endorse, i mean those are pretty harsh dating norms i'm imposing on these pigeons, from a total outsider perspective, for no reason. probably not all girl pigeons are as uptight about that sort of thing as i would apparently be if i was a girl pigeon, maybe she even found it endearing who knows, i don't know her. it's none of my business really. sorry pigeons.