borderline manic + depressed

me: i want to self-destruct with alcohol or drugs

*gets in car and sticks head out of window*

i like pretending

but i can’t stand vulnerability

my mom is toxic, she is manipulative, and has bullied me my whole life, but i can’t not love her and cutting her out of my life has been so painful. 

i hate her so much, but when she is sweet to me all i want to do is hug her, to cry with her, to tell her about my life, and my boy troubles, my friend troubles. 

she’s my mom, i can’t not love her, but every time i let her into my life she always ends up hurting me. 

okay so i went to the cardiologist for my POTS

and jesus christ i hate doctors so much, they act like i’m actually fucking dumb

here’s a bit of the conversation i remember

me: i’ve had problems with bad nerve pain, muscle spasms, and chest pain

doctor: no, i asked if there was anything making your day to day life not tolerable

me: i mean it’s tolerable but it still sucks to deal with

doctor: ok, have you fainted since we last spoke

me: no, but can we do anything about the nerve pain

doctor: honey, i’m a cardiologist which means i deal with heart issues not nerves, book an appointment with a neurologist if you’re concerned

me: but a lot of ppl with POTS deal with nerve pain

doctor: don’t believe everything you read on the internet, anyways since it seems like you don’t have anything making your life too difficult, i guess we are done here

like recently i went on the bus and i sat down bc i can’t stand in one place for long

and this lady goes “you’re young, why don’t you be a nice girl and give your seat to an elder?”

and i was like “i can’t i’m disabled i need to sit”

and then she was like “you don’t look it” and rolled her eyes

me: i need meds

*get puts on meds*

me: i feel so much better! i don’t need meds

*gets taken off of meds

me: when i was younger you were never present, and when you were present you just bullied me and dad

mom: you always act like i’m a horrible mother but you’re just a liar

*listening to depressing music*

me: i don’t deserve anyone i ruin everything

*hype song accidentally comes on*

me to my therapist: you know when you think you’re happy but the second you’re alone cry? 

*silence*