#self-hatred

In S1E1, we're told a story about how Seth was made jealous of Osiris due to Sekhmet, then butchered Osiris, demanded Isis sleep with him, imprisoned her in a labyrinth when she refused, and then terrorized Egypt for hundreds of years. He's shown to be obnoxious and arrogant and thinks little of the other gods who don't stand up to him, "This is what gods are like after all, hmph."

In S1E2, we see an unknown boy (well if you read online you can see the family tree with Anubis' picture but if you read in the physical release or just skipped the tree, you don't know who he is) talking to Nephthys in a prison cell, begging her to leave Heliopolis, and eventually learn this is Anubis, son of Nephthys and Seth, and Anubis has a plan in mind. And he says, "Mother, I'm begging you!! Rid yourself of these lingering affections!! I'm telling you, the father we used to know no longer exists!!"

Nephthys insists otherwise.

There are hints here that Seth was, at least once and perhaps still, loved, deeply. That he was someone who wasn't as cruel as the weary butcher watching humans fight to death for entertainment that we're introduced to.

In S1E3, it's kind of unclear what Seth turns back to look at in the second to last panel, but we see him gazing behind him, and then a shot of Anubis' back as he gazes down at his spear, clearly not keeping Horus busy while Seth confronts Isis. It seems like Seth is seeing Anubis betray him (he thanks Anubis in S1E5).

In S1E4 we see Anubis looking upset about what he's done, which continues into S1E5, where we get a flashback of Seth hunting with a very small Anubis in his arms. This is presumably pre-the night of usurpation. Seth says to Anubis, "You want to become a god like me? What gave you that thought? The god of war is not a particularly respectable position to be in."

Anubis: "But Father, they told me that Egypt is a peaceful place because you protect Mother. Isn't that more than enough to be respected for?"

Seth: "...Sure. War is sometimes necessary when you need to protect your family, your land. However, you must not turn a blind eye to the manslaughter that happens within war. Only the water flowing through the lands of chaos has the right to deliver "death." Though if you escape the current and row yourself towards greed, in the end, the curse of those that have died innocent deaths will gather, and it will become your sword, destined to bestow death upon others. That's why my sword is the strongest of them all. Although that's also why it's the heaviest. You have no need to take upon yourself this burden. When you have your coming-of-age ceremony, this father of yours... ...hopes that you will become a god just like your mother."

His responsibility is a heavy one. One he doesn't want Anubis to bear. He's strong, but at a cost.

In S2E89, Horus, after learning about some of the difficulties Seth faced at war - watching human soldiers struggle and die, and the hard choices Seth had to make to help them (e.g., let them turn to cannibalism to survive, and sometimes cannibalizing their own troops) - and how that affected his own psyche - making him, for a time, not into eating food, and later simply being disinterested in it - asks, "Did you... ...actually not want to go to war?"

And Seth stares at him, and then looks like this:

Seth: "I didn't have a choice. It was just my duty... I had to protect Egypt, so I did."

When Horus asks about jealousy, about Seth's siblings living at home in luxury while Seth suffered, Seth notes, "We all had so many of our own things to do." He calls Osiris' job the most important, because humans needed a stable food supply. He even jokingly notes what Osiris was doing might be considered harder, at least in comparison to fighting a war.

And he seemingly thought of leaving Egypt, but didn't feel like he could.

What we also generally get from the story is Seth is very proud of his abilities, and doesn't like being protected or at least seen as weak. The doubt Osiris put in him was about his own abilities: in S1E35, Sekhmet notes that, "Seth unconsciously believed that he himself was weak . . . Osiris imprinted a sense of weakness upon Egypt's most formidable soldier." Seth frequently grows furious whenever his competence is thrown into question, whether it's other people protecting him, or other people beating him, because it makes him feel like he's weak.

Seth believes his role as a god of war is necessary, and that he is, in a lot of ways, good at it, and people who harm Egypt's peace should live in fear of him... but he doesn't respect it. He doesn't think it's noble or good, and even thinks it's repulsive (and as Seth explains, that's kind of the point of it, because the horror makes it more powerful). He tells Anubis not to emulate him or try to become like him: Anubis should become a god of peace like Nephthys. An actually respectable position. Seth spent thousands of years protecting Egypt this way, and he thinks it's not something anyone should strive for (S1E40).

In S01E38, he even tells Anubis to kill Seth if he wants Seth dead.

In S01E05, Seth beats up Anubis, badly, in front of Nephthys' cell, allegedly because of Anubis' betrayal. It's not clear how Anubis got there: if Seth brought him there so Nephthys would see it, if Anubis fled to Nephthys after the other gods confronted Seth, and Seth found him there, or what. All we know is Seth beat up Anubis while Nephthys (in an unlocked cell) watched, and she was visibly distressed by it, to the point of tears.

Whether Seth meant for her to see it or didn't plan it through or what is unclear.

In S1E69, Nephthys states, "Seth never imprisoned me, not once. The door of the prison cell was always kept open. I was the one who went into the prison of my own free will. All Seth did was neglect and ignore me. He never once committed any direct violence towards me."

She views this as punishment for her own acts. It seems like Seth avoided her through most of the time since he discovered parts of the truth of her actions from Sekhmet and Nephthys herself before Osiris killed himself. It's entirely possible Seth didn't even appear before her until just before the trial, when he attacked Anubis in front of her. He might have visited her more often, but the possibility he just stayed away from her is also there, if only out of his own pain at her apparent rejection of him in favor of Osiris. Perhaps the last time he even touched her was in the flashback in S1E35, after she walks in on Sekhmet talking with Seth, and he seems to grab her briefly - when she admits Anubis is Osiris' son (S1E40) - before turning away and going after Osiris (S1E35).

In S1E40, Seth accuses Osiris of coveting Nephthys, and going behind Seth's back to steal her. He insists Osiris is to blame, not Nephthys.

Until Osiris states that Nephthys had the idea to come to Osiris and ask for help having a baby with Seth, because she and Seth had trouble conceiving, and (Nephthys claimed) Seth wanted a child.

It's not clear what of the many things Osiris is talking about Seth is referencing, but Seth thinks after hearing this, "It was my fault?" It kind of seems like Seth is blaming himself for Nephthys going to Osiris, though.

As Seth begins to accept all this, he grows increasingly visibly upset as he notes she did this without discussing it with him. As Seth grows increasingly honest about his thoughts, he finally says, "I was scared... I was afraid of being forgotten by [Nephthys and Anubis]."

He elaborates in S1E41, "I always just acted angry so that I wouldn't have to hear what she had to say. She was probably afraid of things ending up this way". He imagines she was scared of his reaction. Scared of him. But he had fears about this even before he got confirmation, to the point he was purposefully ruining their relationship to avoid getting that confirmation.

This is on top of Osiris encouraging Seth's self-doubt about Seth's capabilities, insisting that Seth's merits are due to Osiris, "If I hadn't made you the god of war and the desert, she would've never chosen you to be her husband. Peace may only be bestowed upon those that are strong." (S1E35). Seth even wonders if his being properly acknowledged as king of Egypt might make Nephthys finally acknowledge him, and that "Only the strongest one can achieve what I want." (S1E58).

Seth cut himself off from Nephthys, even before he learns about Anubis' biological father, but more so afterward. Part of this is shame, as he thinks in S1E71, "Nephthys must not learn the truth! She won't see me as a man anymore. She'll find me repulsive!" Part of it is the doubt Osiris planted in him. Part of it is seemingly the distaste he imagines other people, including Nephthys, should have over his abilities and position.

In sum, even when Seth hates Osiris the most, he believes Osiris' role is more important to Egypt. He believes Osiris is more powerful. He believes his own role is not respectable. He believes the woman he loves is better off without him and wouldn't want him. And Seth believes his son is better off emulating people who are not Seth. He wants them to do what's best for them, which involves ignoring him completely and moving on. He even tells Anubis to kill Seth if that's what he wants.

And he's terrified of it, too. Because as we see in S1E40 and S1E61, he still loves Anubis. He was so happy when Anubis was born ("The happiness I felt when I first held Anubis in my arms" S1E40). He's okay with Anubis hating him, so long as Anubis still stays his son. He says, "I'm sorry. You must've been in so much pain. You must've been so scared. It's all my fault. . . . You can hate me all you like. You don't need to forgive me. So please don't cast me aside. You're all I need."

This is hearkening back to S1E40, where Seth kept fastening on to the concept that Anubis is Osiris' son, and Osiris even reminds him, "The one who gave Anubis his name, and the one whom Anubis calls his father, is you." No matter what, Seth is Anubis' father.

But the doubt is already there, even before Osiris makes it worse. The shame. Seth already told Anubis not to emulate him by this point. He was already rejecting Nephthys before he learned the truth from Sekhmet and Nephthys, and he still cared about her and her high opinion, even during the sentencing, after he's ignored her for hundreds of years.

In S2E69, Horus claims that the eye of truth showed him something in Seth's soul, in similar words to what Seth said to Horus in Khemmis, and that this is related to Seth's awakening as a god, which he'd forgotten, because that's what happens when you awaken as a god (though Seth, Nephthys, and Isis are unaware of this). The teardrop says repeatedly, "forget our . . . ared what w . . . want to go bac . . . [w]ant him to dis[a] . . . stay by my sid . . . [r]emain as a child . . . he becomes a god . . . [c]an't leave me he can . . . let him become a go[d] . . . he becomes a god . . . [he]'ll forget our past . . . scared what will I d[o] . . . want to go back".

This is actually pretty similar to what he verbalizes to Horus in Khemmis, but I also recall when Anubis says in S2E31, "Just as all gods do, I instinctively know who sired me." It's unclear if Seth knows this is a thing or what, but the sentencing where Anubis learns Osiris is his biological father was after Seth showing his fears to Horus at Khemmis, so Anubis hadn't learned at the time. It seems to me like Seth's specific fear is Anubis learning his true parentage. Whether or not that's instinctive when you become a god isn't even that important, because Anubis might learn just by revealing his powers and changing his body to his godly form, because it seems like gods emulate their parents to some degree (or at least the possibility is there).

To elaborate, Seth didn't know what kind of god Anubis would become when he ascends (as shown in S1E5, he hoped Anubis would emulate his mother). In S2E29-30, he seems a mix of happy, surprised, and angry about Anubis' godly form. He thinks, with a sad smile, "So this is what you look like... . . . This is how you look as a god..." (S2E29) and then gets angry, noting, "Why are you dragging around dead bodies...? . . . You were born so beautiful, so you should have been like your mother! Why... ...are you wearing that silly mask...?"

This is possibly recalling Seth's comments in S01E05 about his own connection with death and his wish that Anubis doesn't have to do something so repulsive, and Seth's wish that, of his parents (Nephthys and Seth), Anubis instead emulates Nephthys, who doesn't do that. His comments about Anubis' mask, "Even your mask looks like mine! It's proof that you subconsciously remember me!" (S2E31) is also pointing out the connection between them, a connection Seth made back in S2E12, when he recalled the similarities in the unknown god's fighting skills and Anubis' abilities, as well as when Seth made Anubis a sand sha mask. He doesn't like the signs of Anubis emulating him at all, even in the slightest.

The general point again being, Seth had no idea what Anubis was going to look like as a god before he saw it in person. But I imagine he was simultaneously hopeful Anubis would emulate Nephthys but also afraid that not only would Anubis not emulate Seth at all - ignoring their connection - but also afraid Anubis would emulate both his biological parents, particularly Osiris. Perhaps that's how he would discover Osiris is his biological father. There's just a lot of ways becoming a god would show him the truth, and then things would be over between Anubis and Seth.

Because Anubis would learn Osiris, a god doing something respected like managing agriculture, is his biological father. Osiris, a powerful god who claims to be responsible for Seth's merits, which is a deep part of Seth's doubts about his own abilities (confirming that Seth is indeed lesser). Osiris, whom even Nephthys seemingly fell in love with, and maybe always loved (Seth doesn't know about the mirror, this is his anxiety, self-esteem issues, and Osiris' lies praying on his mind).

Seth in Khemmis is afraid Anubis will learn Osiris is Anubis' biological father or "real" father (at least in accordance with Seth's insistence that Anubis is Osiris' child) and abandon Seth for Osiris. Because, despite everything they had as a loving father and son, Osiris is the "better" choice. Why wouldn't Anubis do that? Even some part of Seth understands it. Seth views himself as so lacking that he thinks Anubis would discard their past together and easily pick the "better" option of Osiris.

He understands the reasoning.

But Seth is terrified, too. He loves Anubis. He loves being Anubis' father. He doesn't want to lose Anubis even as he wants Anubis to be happy and do as Anubis pleases. He's afraid of what that break will do to him. And we see the result: he cries and screams in S2E30, claiming their promise - which Anubis has forgotten - is all Seth has, and Anubis the "the only reason I have to live!". In S2E31 he grows upset about Anubis forgetting him, and cries more. He cries again about Anubis forgetting their promise in S2E64. He cries about Anubis being in Osiris' clutches again in S2E68. This is on top of Seth's fear that if Anubis goes to Osiris, Osiris will hurt Anubis more, after Osiris callously nearly killed Anubis as fodder for the child Osiris planned to have with Seth during the night of usurpation, and again after learning Osiris was using Anubis as a puppet during the trial, allowing Anubis to take Seth's attacks in Osiris' place. In S2E68, Seth screams about his fears of Anubis being hurt by Osiris, "You saw me kiss him! And for that Osiris sewed his lips shut and turned him into an idiot!! . . . What if he gets hurt again because of me?!"

He doesn't want Anubis to emulate him, but he's afraid of Anubis not doing that because it will be Anubis rejecting him. He doesn't want Nephthys to tell him she didn't love him, that Anubis wasn't his (biological) child, but he felt it was inevitable, because how could he have a beautiful child? How could she love someone like him? But also he loves her, so he doesn't want her to reject him, either. Not only because he just loved her, but also because he doesn't want her rejection to show he's unworthy as a man or as a person.

He loves them both, but he started removing himself from their lives long before the night of usurpation. He made himself a monster, in large part to push them away before they rejected him, as a form of self-protection. He never wanted Nephthys to tell him Anubis wasn't his (biological) son (S1E40). He never wanted to have to fully accept the gravity of that statement.

Sometimes the things we have to accept about people are hard, and hurt us. And we have to accept them anyway, but the fear is there, too.

He's so caught between wanting them to do what's best for them, and wanting to remove himself from ruining them both, and his own fears of them leaving him. He does what he has to, not necessarily because he wants to, and this, he feels, he has to. He's full of self-loathing and the capacity for affection that he hides out of shame, pain, and a sense of duty. It's so sad.

On the other hand, I do think there's hope in that. Seth's duty does define him in a lot of ways, many of which are unfortunate, but not all. It's when Seth abandons protecting Egypt and turns to sabotaging it, making its gods cower, killing its people, destroying the land, that he really loses it all. But with how the story is going, he's actively worried about the country's stability: he actually criticizes and instructs Horus about being mindful of managing Egypt and being wary of Ra (and Hathor) in S2E88, not to mention the numerous times he's noted Horus should be helping Isis run the country. FG's offer to fight a war against Egypt for Seth infuriated Seth, and seemingly activated his protective instincts over the country: "How dare you bring up war in front of me, when I spent thousands of years protecting Egypt?" (S2E48). I honestly think FG's presence is largely to make Seth look to protecting Egypt's borders again, and being more aware of other nations and how Egypt will work with and against them. And Horus is there to remind Seth of his being a guardian god (S2E74). Anubis' plight has made him actively care about the state of Duat (S2E68). While being around Horus is making him question his own thoughts about his role and the choices he makes, and uncovering things even he didn't know (e.g., the letters he and Isis exchanged in the flashback in S02E69, or what's up with the Ogdoad). He's learning what he cares about again, rather than drowning in self-pity and hatred, and Horus in particular makes him think about the stuff he enjoys best, including being a guardian and not panicking so much.

A deep part of why Horus/Seth works as a pairing is because Seth believes he is strong but unlovable and perhaps not as strong as he thinks he is due to self-doubt, while the people around him deserve better, while Horus believes Seth is strong, lovable, and worth of protection because of how fragile Seth can be in many ways. They both have different wisdom and can see flaws the other one has, and point them out for future improvement, and, on some level, respect each other (for all Seth's many derogatory comments, he respects Horus, for example, when he tries to impress Horus at the fight at Isis' temple in S2E53). And Horus sees him, in a way other people don't, even if Horus isn't always right about it. But unlike other characters, he's willing to learn. Whereas Horus really does need guidance about being a strong ruler.

I also think that there's hope for reconciliation with Nephthys and Anubis. Certainly Seth is fighting to keep his relationship with Anubis good, and with Nephthys having her feelings changed by the mirror, perhaps with Isis' help, they can restore her, and Nephthys can continue her own healing journey. Perhaps she and Seth will start a new friendship. Even if it never happens, I think they both have developed and will develop enough to maybe meet as siblings again one day, working together peacefully. I doubt it'll be more than that, but it's more than they have now.