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I’m scared of a lot

But mostly I’m scared of the day I’ll hold you in my arms for the first time

And I'm scared of the day you spill milk on the carpet

And I’m scared of the way my voice will pierce the air and travel right to your heart and stay in your brain forever

I’m also afraid of the day you throw a tantrum, of the look I’ll give you in public, a promise of returning home and the punishment that awaits you

I’m afraid of the day you grow obnoxious, of the way I’ll resent the way you speak about the newest cartoons and why that is your favorite character

I’m afraid of the day you flinch

I’m afraid of the day I’ll try to soothe you, but really it's me I’m trying to make feel better 

I’m also scared of the day you finally grow resentful and angry 

And I'm scared of the day I will be right 

Afraid that one day I’ll see that I wasn't kind enough, brave enough, stable enough to raise you as I should have 

I’m afraid of the day I’ll realize I’m her

And the day I realize you are me. 

To my dearest… never-to-be born child.

May we never meet. 

it eats away at my insides,

i can feel the emptiness it leaves behind,

a great chasm etched into my bones,

it all started when mommy said it was because i didnt keep my mouth shut, "they took you all away because you showed them the bruises."

it all started when i heard words like, "she was asking for it." when they spoke about women ravaged by monsters. I thought since they could think such things about... them, then what about me? What about me who was six years old, who was beckoned over, told to sit, who did as he said, who was confused, who walked back inside and never told anyone? what about me? what about me? am i at fault? "you shouldve said something" is another thing i hear others say to people like me. it deepens the hollowness in my heart.

perhaps i am a criminal.

i know i didnt commit the crime.

in my dream you're back, dad

in my dream reality had just been a nightmare

you run to me and pick me up and spin me around

i hold on tight

i smile and breathe a sigh of relief

"are you really back forever?"

you smile and your lips move but there's not a single sound

my heart sinks and your body dissolves right before my eyes

i hate it

perhaps it is impossible even in a place like my mind

do you leave me in other worlds too?

is there a single world in which you stay?

perhaps that one is the worst one

and perhaps it is a mercy...

Oh.

There’s lightning dancing underneath my skin. It roars like waves crashing against rock, ready to submerge me under again and again.

And I… I am willing.

Oh.

I’m breathless. Oh.

Oh.

This is love.

It is.

I know it is.

Oh.

Images caress the back of my eyes.

Letters sound cloyingly smug, sweet, real, fake, desperate, despairing, daring, crying, sighing, lying.

Oh.

Oh god. I am in love.

It is you I want.

My destruction; your opportunity

My empire in rubble, 

The crown knocked off my head, 

Sitting atop yours 

I’ve changed, 

So have you, 

The power I once held has transformed, 

I ponder, am I still me? 

No… afterall, 

I hold a new name

You stand up straight now– don’t cower or hide like before, scurrying at the sight of me—

Tell me, does it feel good? 

Does it feel good? 

I’m sure it does, 

Taking the place of a disgraced emperor and ruling anew, watched as our offspring barely survived, cowered and hid to survive— scurried at the sight of you— all while you transformed

I’m sure it does

I will live in this position,

And you yours, 

That is simply our lot in life, 

But I will not mourn when you bring about our final— complete — destruction. 

You, mighty new king, 

will also be dethroned, 

But at your own hands. 

Context: After Elias usurps the throne, his brother Elliot attempts to stop him. Elias kills him in front of their sister Emilia. Elias is mad at this point, but it worsens as he reigns.

“What should I do, Elliot?” 

Like always, Elliot says nothing. He only gazes blankly at Elias. Somedays, his expressions will change. Elias deciphers judgment or anger, depending on the tyrant's mood. Most days are like today: the slain prince only looks on coldly at his killer. 

Elias smiles as he finds an old drawing Emilia had once made for him in secret. “I wonder if she’s eating well.” Elliot is silent. “Do you remember when the king would punish me, and she'd sneak me food?” Elias frowns suddenly, “Was she looking down at me, perhaps? Like you used to do.” 

Elias glares at Elliot. “Will you say something?” Silence. He scoffs, robes following as he paces the room. “This is why I killed you, Elliot. You’ve always been difficult. It’s unbecoming of a prince.” Silence. “Elliot! I’m tired of your games. Who do you think you are, making a fool of me? I am god chosen! Are you perhaps jealous?” Elias laughs humorlessly. “ That’s exactly why I hated you, Elliot.” 

Elias feels rage in his stomach. “Did you hear me? I hate you with every fiber of my being. I hate you!” 

Slowly and imperceptibly, Elliot’s expression shifts to sadness.  Elias stops midway. “Elliot, I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. Don’t be sad, okay? You know me, I’m always saying everything wrong. Please, don’t cry. I’ll- I’ll, your big brother will make it better-” Elliot begins to fade as Elias grows more distressed. “I said I was sorry! I didn’t-” He won’t stop fading. “Don’t leave,” he rushes out, “Don’t leave. Don’t leave me, Elliot.” 

Elliot is gone.

Elias feels a cold desolate emptiness. He shakes, teeth gritted, and then,