its beyond frustrating how we've just always had roaches. The horse is pissed about it, it would never want to subject the trauma and embarrassment that living in house infested with roaches is. Even when they had good money they didn't do shit to try get rid of roaches. When the horse is free from this hell of a house it is making sure to take only its most important things and to bag everything very well.
When it has foals it never wants them to have to go through anything it did. Why it wont be letting the human "family" besides some people meet them. The horse hopes it can become a father one day so badly, but its so worried that the trauma and neglect it has survived will make it impossible for him. The horse needs to get out of this house first. Go through lots of therapy. Will he ever be able to live a normal life? It doesn't want a normal human life, it isn't human. But it does want to have a job, working with other horses is what it wants the most. But it is full time wheelchair user so he fears it might not be possible. Or with dogs. Or photography. Or just as artist. It doesn't really know what it wants to do, and with the things going on in its life, knowing what it wants as career is last thing on his mind
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Just tired of being judged or having people online making broad declaring statements about how people cope with their csa trauma. Know people not usually care. About sexual abuse and assault survivors, adult and kid, but god it exhausting.
Ocd makes self feel so dirty for even having experienced this. Like to talk about my experiences means I'm a weirdo. When like...nu. I was a child. I didn't deserve that.
The way I hypersexualize myself is tragic to me. The way I've wanted people to creep on me since I was young. The fact love intertwines with abuse to me. The fact I isolated saves me from putting self in danger. But sometimes missing abuser (since he abandoned) really hurts. Have understanding of where my behaviors come from and learning what they called. Feel good to know not alone in my experience.
But everything about how I cope and my urges to be abused again just makes me sad. I was a baby. And all the signs of it from me growing up. And sometimes things connect too much and I just feel this inexplicable horror inside.
I struggled a lot with pocd when I was younger too. Intrusive thoughts a lot. But didn't know had been through csa. Had a lot of ocd intrusive thoughts about abuse in general. My ocd medicated now so not struggle with those as much and as self heals.
But it just a lot. Cause no matter what I do. Most of my actions come back to my abuse. It so intertwined into me. The way I was groomed and used and "trained." And he abandoned me. It makes me feel like my abuse for nothing. Which it's abuse but like. It felt like it had meaning. And the abandonment hurts. Like a dog still waiting for their master to come home.
It not happen as much anymore, but when used to struggle and fight with boyfie. Would sometimes end up dissociating and thinking that my abuser was right. That no one would love me like he did. And it would result in strong urge to "go home." And when couldn't or couldn't put self in dangerous situation to find new abuser, would just break.
Am in a somewhat better place now. Triggers still mess me up if course. But I feel progress been made in working through it. Have some better understanding.
But just. Being csa survivor especially on the internet is hell. And am used to feeling like I'm dirty and disgusting and as bad as my abuser. Cause so much of the wider world feels like they don't care about survivors at all. They just care about acting like they care. And with how much trafficking stuff coming out. It's just another painful reminder that people really not understand these things. I'm so tired of the rest of the world. I'll stay in my bubble thank you.
Still upset about mental health app that marked my agere post as nsfw because someone reported it as 18+ because used the word daddy. For my caretaker. The post was just me saying my daddy was brushing my hair after a long day.
The person could just let me know to put agere in the top and put it below bar for people. Am autistic. Not understand expectations.
But instead they go "wtf" and report it to get it marked 18+ then post about me and imply it's a borderline kink and it sexual.
Nothing wrong with sexual agere or anything like it. (Sometimes partake in it since help cope with csa trauma and urge to reenact my abuse by seeking out abusive people :'()
But to assume it sexual when it wasn't very triggering. Especially after long bad emotional day.
Ocd made me feel like a creep. I often have bad ocd about venting and about how I cope with being a csa survivor and my abuse. Especially with reenactment, missing my abuser, and wanting to relive my experiences. :'( Especially since massive romantic aspect cause of the grooming. Internet often makes me feel like I am just like my abuser when no. I was abused and I am working on healing and working through everything bad. :'(
That experience messed me up for so long and made me feel icky about calling my caretaker daddy even though daddy/mommy most natural for me. I see caretaker as "true parents" anyway since irl, mine are not very nice. It help a lot.
I don't know. I know not have explain everything. But just. Very upset about how was treated. I hate when people assume things about agere, but also about csa survivors in general and how we cope.
I live with hellish experiences. Hard to explore when people do not understand what it is like to go through that and the complicated feelings that come with it or how my brain and system copes with it. And working through that since all of it was to survive.
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sometimes when i remember that sex without penetration as sex it makes me feel some type of way. especially when the conversations became more popular.
im not explaining this well but it genuinely made me feel so disgusted that although i was never penetrated i was still was taken advantage and raped by my cousin and neighbor. it genuinely made my trauma worse.
even if it affected me negatively i will never not support the idea that sex is not just about who stuck what where.
sometimes i think about that. it went on for idk how long, my memory is foggy but i can see the images. i always wondered who i would be if none of that happen to me.
the list of people who have taken advantage of me is so long. longer than my dating history lmfao. all before 5th grade.
