Gram Smoker's Dracula

you're just mad because you're hungry and tired and your legs hurt and you head hurts and you're too hot and you have depression

"Whimsy" is truly a wretched term. What maketh thee so carefree?

thy mother

Art thou for fucking real

it is so annoying being so self aware about all my issues like okay what now girl

never take for granted the moments when you’re not nauseous

crossfaded somewhere between "there has to be more to life than this" and "every mundane thing is beautiful when you're with people you love"

good god when the mr clean magic eraser hits the stove......

the panties hit the floor

you know it brother

Cant tell you how many times I rawd*gged my husband after I caught him using a magic eraser to clean the pasta sauce I burned onto the burner like some kind of primordial insect

you know what i wish you would tell me

*dying while our boobies are touching* ashes to ashes... bust to bust.....

youre making mommy want to smoke

There’s a cool trick you can do where you pour a shot and then add an expired antidepressant to it and it gets you super fucked up so you can save money when you go out for the night. In other news I just discovered that if you ask any man at a goth rave if you can bite him he will say yes. He thinks he’s getting laid but you can just bite him super hard and walk away. Life is full of beautiful moments

“Do dishes” and “take out trash” both require the use of a spell slot, vs “use phone” is a cantrip, and brother, I am a level one wizard

Spiritually my spirit is always smoking a cigarette but physically i am.not because hashatg smoking kills