Bipolar Posts

This day is like every other day. You set out on your daily outdoor walk like you always do. Today you stumble across a tunnel. You stand at the entrance looking in. Its dark. So dark you can see the exit. You take a step closer. It almost sounds like the wind from the tunnel is calling your name. You wonder whats inside the tunnel. Why is it so dark? Where does it go? So curious you walk inside the tunnel. Every once in a while you turn back to where you entered from, the light from the outside is getting dimmer and dimmer, but you keep walking. You walk so long the light disappears. You begin to feel afraid. It’s dark and damp inside the tunnel and the only sound you can hear is your feet against the pavement. Maybe it’s time to turn back, but you can’t seem to remember which direction you came from. You don’t even realize you’ve been walking in circles. Feet begin to ache, you can feel your shoes rubbing against your ankles while blisters form. You try to rub your hand against the wall to make sure you’re walking in one direction, but you walk so long your fingers go numb. You’re surrounded in complete darkness, alone, cold, and afraid. Maybe I’ll never find my way out of this tunnel. Maybe there is no end. Riddled with fear and anxiety, you sit on the damp cement. Just as you feel you’ve lost all hope, just as you start to feel like you’ll die in this tunnel, you find a flashlight. Suddenly you are filled with excitement. The flash light turns on and lights the surrounding tunnel. “This is it” you think to yourself “my way out!” You jump to your feet and begin to run down the tunnel with the flashlight in hand. “I’m saved!” You think, you’ve never felt so elated in your life. A moment ago you thought you would die, but now you’re alive again. Then the light flickers out. Confused you smack the flash light. It will turn on again. It has to turn on again. Now you can feel the pain in your feet radiating up your legs. You can’t see anything. You feel even more lost than before you found the flashlight. This time you lay on the ground. You feel exhausted from running. You start overthinking every second the flash light was on. Maybe if i ran faster. Maybe if i turned around. If the flash light just turned on you could find your way out of this damn tunnel. You wait for what feels like days. You’re starving, you’re cold, and your mind begins to play tricks on you. It tells you all your worst fears are true, it tells you all your worst fears are here in this tunnel. You can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t move. Out of pure desperation you try the flashlight again. It turns on. Without thinking, you jump up. I’ll run faster this time, I’ll find the exit this time. This time i will make it out. You run faster than you ever have before. This cycle repeats itself over and over again. The darkness from the tunnel begins to consume you. You lay in pain and fear, praying to whatever god will listen to let you die here. But, the light from the flashlight is your salvation. As long as the light is on you feel hope that youll make it out somehow. Unfortunately some people never make it out of this tunnel. They die alone in the darkness. Some do find the end though. They are so afraid of the darkness and the threats it whispers to them, they run even without the light. Broken and exhausted, they crawl on their hands and knees until they see a speck of light. Now with just a sliver of hope they drag themselves towards it. Finally they find the end of the tunnel. The sun warms their skin. They can’t remember the last time they felt life like this. Having lost years of their life to this tunnel, They look back swearing they’ll never go back.

Now you think to yourself, who would ever want to go back to that tunnel? You’ll die in there this time you warn them. What if there isnt another flashlight inside? What if you go in and never find the exit? What if the exit doesnt exist? Today i stand outside the tunnel, looking in. I can hear the wind call my name. Something whispers to me I’ll find that flashlight again. The sun feels good, but nothing felt as good as that flash light turning on. Is it worth it? To sit in the heaviest darkness ive ever felt, just in case i find that flashlight? Everyone who hasn’t gone in that tunnel knows it’s not worth it. But to those who have been inside, they know the thrill of the flashlight.

The tunnel represents bipolar disorder, you think you have a choice to enter, but it’s an illusion. In every lifetime you enter that tunnel, regardless of if you want to or not. The darkness represents bipolar depression episodes. The flashlight represents bipolar manic episodes. The sliver of sun you see at the end of the tunnel represents finding help. Returning to the tunnel and standing outside represents being medicated but wanting to go back.

I’ve been on the same main medication for 4 years and the same combo for about a year. I dont really experience mood swings anymore and i dont have full blown panic attacks over dumb things anymore. Against medical advice i stopped taking my medication for about 8 days. I feel like living with bipolar disorder its so hard not to miss mania. Some days i even miss the depression. I wanted to feel something extreme so bad. I told my friends and my therapist how i was feeling and that i wanted to stop taking my meds. Of course everyone told me thats a bad idea. LISTEN TO THEM! 8 days. That’s all it took. And I wont lie the first few days i felt pretty good and it kept getting better. I thought for sure i was going into a full blown manic episode. The crash came so much harder than i expected. One moment i was driving the car smoking a cigarette (i quit smoking months ago) the next moment i was sobbing. Can you guess what happened over the next few days? It got worse and worse and worse. I had to leave work early because i couldnt stop crying one day. Me and my partner got into an argument over my mood swing. I was plotting how i would drink again. I was miserable. Defeated, i took my medicine before bed on the 8th day. The next morning i woke up and felt okay. Today i feel even better than yesterday.

Like i said it’s really hard not to miss your mood swings when you’ve been stabilized for so long. I’m not numb. I’m not a zombie on my medication. I do pretty well with the combo ive been prescribed. I guess i wanted to feel a rush again. That buzzing feeling in your brain. The self confidence. But that crash comes so much harder than you could ever expect. I thought i was prepared for it. I don think anyone can ever be prepared for that crash.

30 minutes later im uncontrollably sobbing in my car. Had to leave work early because i was so distraught.

The defeat. I was JUST like her. But i had the choice to make: become her, or change.

It’s been almost 11.5 years since she died, and it’s been 4 years since i got sober.

I am grateful for less intense mood swings. I am bipolar 1 so i had very long and intense episodes, with no real stabilization in between. Today i experience a range of emotions but none of them over take me.

I am grateful to be sober. Alcohol and bipolar do not mix well. July will be 4 years since my last drink.

I am grateful for my relationships. My best friends and i have grown even closer since i began my recovery. They have been my friends since we were in middle school and I didnt seek professional help until we were adults. They have loved me sick and today they love me healed. I’m beyond grateful for them.

I’m grateful for my job. I work my dream job now. A job i never could have kept if i were still sick.

I’m grateful to have my name on a lease. I live in a small 1 bedroom apartment with my partner, but it’s mine and i love it.

I’m grateful for life. I really didnt care much about living when i was sick. I was so consumed in my mood swings. Some days wishing i had no life, others taking it for granted. Today i appreciate life, all of its ups and downs.

The day is july 26th 2022, i am 22 years old. I’m sitting at my dining table with my boyfriend, his bestfriend, my bestfriend, and my sister. We pass a bottle of whiskey back and forth. It’s quiet, everyone is on edge. Tomorrow morning I’ll get on a plane and go to Florida for 30 days. I’m going to inpatient rehab. I’ve attempted twice in the last two months. Last month i went to the local mental hospital for 7 days, it didnt really help. I’ve been assaulted twice this month, but only my sister knows. Theres a note on my roommates door, it says “Just knock if you need anything”. I’ve ignored it for days. I can’t seem to stop hurting myself, one way or another. I can’t seem to go a day without drinking. My mood swings are so intense and the medicine isnt really working. The only way i can seem to sleep is drinking a 5th.

I look at my partner, we hit 3 years a week ago. He is quiet. He has been for months, maybe the past year? He doesnt look up from his phone when we eat dinner. I dont blame him i slur my words when i ask about his day. He is sitting beside me. I put my hand on his knee. “It’s time for you to go to bed” I say infront of everyone. He nods. I think everyone at the table knows. We walk to our room together, the one weve shared for 3 years. I tuck him in and kiss his head. “Tomorrow when i leave, we’re not going to be together anymore”, he says okay and we say goodnight. I close the door behind me.

I drink and cry, and cry and drink until the early hours of the morning. My flight is in a few hours my sister reminds me. It’s time to get some rest. I sleep on the extra bed with my bestfriend and my sister. He sleeps in our bed.

I dont remember falling asleep, just waking up. I dont remember the drive, just parking at the airport. I dont remember going through security, just getting on the plane. I dont remember saying goodbye, just the last kiss. I dont remember the plane ride, just waiting for the uber.

Were you at the doctors sitting on the bed,

Your feet dangling off the edge.

Did you find what you were looking for?

At the bottom?

Was it a death sentence?

Abilify: let’s start with the one im currently on. I’ve been taking this medication for 4 years now. I was prescribed this alongside lamictal and then lithium. To me, this medication saved my life. In rehab i was on both Abilify and lithium. Taking them together made me feel stabilized for the first time in years. Today i take Abilify alongside some anti depressants to treat my mood swings, anxiety, and ADHD symptoms. I’m on a very low dose of Abilify and have been on the same dose since i started taking it. I take it at night and experience no side effects from it.

Lithium: the scary one. When they told me in rehab they were putting me on lithium i was terrified. All i had ever heard was all the negative side effects from it, and that you could get poisoned from it. However, lithium saved my life. Lithium stabilized me while i was experiencing extreme mood swings. I took it for about a year and a half, until my hair began to fall out. That was a side effect i was unaware of. I never experienced any other negative side effects from lithium and would say it helped me a lot when i was in need of it.

Lamictal: my least favorite medication i have ever taken. Immediately i experienced horrible side effects. I had to go to the hospital because I developed THE rash, if you know what im talking about. Luckily we caught it very quickly and i was taken off the medication right away. I wasnt on it long enough to experience any mood changes.

Risperdal: this was the very first medication i was given at 16 the first time i was diagnosed with bipolar. Pretty quickly after starting this medication i experienced negative side effects. Being so young i really only remember the negative side effects. I can’t remember it effecting my mood much.

I am not manic nor and i depressed.

Mania to me feels like wanting to do as many cartwheels as possible, knowing i have never been able to do even one.

Mania feels like staying up until 4am telling your best friend your deepest secrets and dreams.

Mania feels like you took a little too much adderall.

Mania feels like you have bees in your head that wont stop buzzing.

Mania feels like getting a mani pedi that you don’t have to pay for.

Mania feels like your 4th cup of coffee before noon.

in 2014 my mother committed su*cide, she was diagnosed with bipolar and an active addict. Following my mother’s su*cide i began to experiment with drugs and alcohol. The first time someone suspected i was bipolar was in 2016. I went to my primary care doctor and told them my symptoms of anxiety and depression. The first medication i was prescribed was Risperdal. I didnt take it for long due to negative side effects and my father is anti medication, so the next few years of my life i didnt take any anti psychotics or mood stabilizers. In 2019 i began to drink heavily to deal with the symptoms i was experiencing. Crippling anxiety all of the time. Depression so bad i was utterly hopeless and turning to very negative coping strategies. And from time to time i experienced mania. Every so often i was convinced i lived inside a video game. I believed if i crashed my car i would respawn at home. I had hallucinations of people running down my hallway and knocking on my bedroom door. I would often see a woman crouched and crying at the top of my stairs, and a tall shadow that always stood at the back of the hallway. I experienced sleep paralysis as well. From 2019-2022 i lived in complete and utter fear of anything and everything. Bouncing from deep depressive episodes to extreme manic episodes. When i went to my primary care doctor in 2021 i checked all the boxes for bipolar disorder, this is when i got my diagnosis. I tried a few different medications to cope with the never ending episodes, but i continued to drink and never took my medication consistently. By 2022 i was hopeless. I attempted twice, failing both times. After my second attempt i was admitted to a mental hospital for the first time. I spent 7 days getting stabilized on medications and doing group therapy. By this point i was in denial. Not that i was bipolar, but that alcohol could be a problem. The day i got out of the hospital i drank until I blacked out. The next month was full of black outs. After one especially scary black out i caved and called the crisis line. They sent me to Florida 4 days later for substance ab*se and ideation. After a month of intense treatment and coming to terms with my addiction i went home. I was taking lithium and ablify and for the first time in my life i felt stable. That was almost 4 years ago.

Today I would consider myself stabilized, so would my doctors. I’ve been sober for 4 years in July, I’ve been taking ablify daily, i have a stable job ive held down for a few years and i maintain healthy and happy relationships. There is light at the end of the tunnel. If you relate to my story at all talk to a friend about your symptoms. I told my friends and they convinced me to call the crisis line. I truly believe calling them saved my life and I bet it can save yours too.