thinking about the way armand was always there in the shadows of daniel’s life. always stepping in to fix things he thought he could fix. watching daniel in his lowest and even embarrassing moments—a hit and run fender bender, leaving his daughters at home while he went out to the liquor store, ODing in some dingy motel room, biting his nails, setting off a fire alarm in a burnt grilled cheese incident, fucking alice mere hours after fucking some student.
and not to overshare but it makes me think about having my biggest manic episode. i was getting into scary men’s cars and doing coke in a basement and not caring and cutting my own bangs and spending too much money and i was alone. alone in my struggling. alone in the fight to get out of it all. and nobody was watching me. nobody was lurking in the shadows like a dark guardian angel.
but if i suddenly found out that wasn’t true? that someone had been there all along? watching the very worst of me? someone was pulling the strings, never letting me go too far without stepping in? and i’m supposed to believe all that AND believe it was love? well i’d feel all kinds of complicated about that. i’d be simultaneously in love with and repulsed by that idea. i’d be thankful in a way and feel totally violated in another. i’d want to kick and scream. i’d want answers. and that’s what daniel wants. armand to fully come out of the shadows and own it all.
