Ignorance is bliss, but bliss is boring

It was obvious from the day they met that Buzz was infatuated, but Jessie couldn’t be sure if that would eventually go away.

The first time he saw one of her “episodes” was a few months after she came to Andy’s room. Andy had hastily cleared the desk to do his homework, and the two of them ended up stuck in the top drawer. She could manage being in the toy box or the closet, provided she wasn’t alone, or at least could see a way out. Here, she was trapped in the dark again. 

She sat against a corner of the drawer, heaving with her fists against her temples and feeling utterly ridiculous. She heard Buzz’s hushed voice but for the life of her couldn’t make out what he was saying. When she caught sight of his face, he looked at a loss. She didn’t know if anyone here knew about this; she didn’t exactly want to advertise it. If Woody had told anyone, they didn’t let on. Maybe she’d just hoped they wouldn’t see it, or at least that it would be a while before they did. 

Buzz seemed to understand pretty quick that it was no use trying to talk her down, so he just sat in the corner opposite her and waited. 

Eventually she heard Andy take one book off the desk above them and plop down another. That’s when she realized the sounds from outside her own head were starting to get through again. It was never a sure bet how long that would take when she got like this. Her breathing slowed, but was still labored. She pulled her knees up to her chest and looked at the floor next to her, only now catching the soft green glow that had been emanating from the other end of the drawer that whole time. She was still stuck, still crushed by walls no one else ever seemed to notice, but she hadn’t really been in the dark.

After Andy had gone to bed, she just couldn’t stay in the toy box, even with other toys keeping her company. Bullseye was one of them, and knew what had happened, so he gave her a boost to get out and climbed after her. They sat together at the windowsill. The view was much prettier here than at Al’s apartment. It was the same sky, sure, but below it was green and calm, and they could spot the occasional critter scampering across the yard. Bullseye’s favorites were the rabbits, and the birds that sometimes perched right in front of his face on the other side of the glass. Jessie was watching him in a staring contest with a house finch when she saw Buzz’s reflection approaching. She whipped her head around to see the real thing. He stopped cold for a brief moment, then cleared his throat. 

“Are you alright?”

She smiled softly and nodded. 

He didn’t bring it up after that, and as far as she could tell he hadn’t told anyone else about it. By noon the next day she was playing circles around Rex in Andy’s new fighting game, but nonetheless invited Buzz to help man the controller. He seemed to know she didn’t need it; it was just more fun with him. 

Maybe his smitten-ness would fade in time, but she wasn’t worried. It meant more than she could say to have another friend in the room. ***

Jessie had never been reserved in any sense of the word, but she became exponentially more forward during their first days in Bonnie’s room. Even before the pasodoble display (which would take months afterward for him to understand), she seemed to go out of her way to be around him. The past few years, that was almost unavoidable. There were only so many of them left with Andy, or even Molly. This new group had doubled in size with their arrival, but she still sought him out at every opportunity. It might be to help with whatever stunt Bonnie’s toys were attempting, to join in the game when Dolly and Buttercup taught her to play poker (which they quickly regretted), or just to sit next to her when Trixie cued up a movie on the computer. 

It was those times that she would rest her hand on top of his on the floor. When he didn’t move his hand away, she would lace their fingers together and squeeze gently. She wouldn’t take her eyes off the screen, but her smile would get a tiny bit bigger.

She seemed to be choosing a time that everyone would be distracted, but Woody noticed on at least one occasion.

“You can let go now,” he muttered snidely to Buzz at the end of the movie while the others were dispersing. “If you want to.”

If Jessie heard this, she ignored him. She stood up, pulled Buzz back up to his feet, and led him out to go explore the house while the Andersons were asleep.

Then she got him to dance. He didn’t know he knew how; he had never even tried it. But she knew exactly what to do, and exactly what he would do in turn. He was curious about it, but by now he couldn’t be surprised. The years he’d spent struggling to get past his inexplicable mental block, she’d been learning to read him. She was showing off, but she’d earned that right. 

Then, just as she was about to leave with Bonnie, she told him she loved him. It wasn’t dramatic or revelatory, she just kissed him on the cheek and said it as if she had a million times before. There wasn’t even time for him to react before she was gone. She had to know that would leave him reeling until she got back. The other toys found the whole thing very amusing, especially Woody. 

“Serves you right, ranger,” he said, jostling Buzz’s shoulder.

“What?”

“What do you mean, ‘what?’ You’ve been draggin’ your boots for years now.” He gestured toward the door with a smirk. “That looked like payback to me.”

Buzz’s mind was racing too much to come up with a response. 

Woody stopped trying to be clever. “Look, ya got nothin’ to worry about. You two took this long already. What’s one night?”

“Right, right,” was all he could muster.

He spent the night pacing back and forth until Dolly asked him, firmly but politely, to do so in a room where no one was trying to sleep.

Jessie had found a spot a few weeks earlier in Mr. Anderson’s home office, on top of a filing cabinet, where they could see right up through the skylight and feel the breeze from the vent just above them. He must have fallen asleep there eventually, because when he heard Bonnie’s sneakers bounding across the hardwood floor downstairs, he jolted awake and nearly fell off. He climbed down the drawer handles and ducked under the desk to wait for an opportunity to go back to the room. Eventually Bonnie hopped down the stairs to breakfast. When her voice faded, he got up to leave, but stopped when he saw Jessie leaning against a desk leg. 

“Mornin’,” she said with a knowing grin.

He cleared his throat. “Good morning.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Woody said I should come find you?”

“Right,” he said. “I, uh –”

Bonnie’s dad walked in and they retreated to the wall. He picked up a pair of headphones from on top of the desk and walked right back out, shutting the door behind him. He was going out to do yard work. The office would be empty for a while. Buzz opened his mouth to speak, but even now something stopped him. 

He tried to start by saying anything at all. “How was the –”

“It was fine,” Jessie said curtly. She crossed her arms and stared him down. 

He couldn’t blame her for being frustrated. She had never been a patient person, but, for reasons he thought he might never understand, she’d made an exception for him. Now she had spent weeks testing the lines between them. If he couldn’t confirm something they both already knew, what was the point of any of this? She’d met him where he was; it was up to him now to move forward.

She dropped her arms and sighed. “Buzz –”

“I love you.”

Her face started to soften. He didn’t know if she was simply processing what he’d said or waiting for him to say more. Either way, now he couldn’t seem to stop talking.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you years ago, or weeks ago, or hours ago.” He rubbed his temple. “And I’m sorry I couldn’t even hold your hand until I thought we were going to die, because I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to do that.” He moved his hand from his forehead and flexed it in the air by his face.

Jessie took it with a satisfied smile. “You done?”

He nodded.

She pulled him toward her and kissed his lips. It was gentle at first, but when she felt him return it, she used her free hand to hold the side of his face and press it even closer against hers. 

Maybe they’d never know why it took them so long to get here. Any questions or theories about it were out the window now. Discreetly holding hands during a movie would soon turn into her leaning against him and waiting for him to wrap an arm around her, which he always would. There would be nights when she could be found holding his arm and sleeping with her head on his shoulder. In a few years there would be a moment a lot like this one, when she would agree to call him her husband despite there being no legality to it. He would be annoyed with himself for not actually asking the question. She would insist it was perfect. They’d know all of that in time.

Now, he felt her smile as she pulled away just far enough to speak.