The Thoughts Of A Twenty-four Year Old

I am worth something.

                                                                          One day I love me will be enough.

                                                   Happiness.                                                What is it really?                                              Is it falling in love?                                        Is it going on adventures?                           Is it that first sip of coffee in the morning?                                               What is it to you?                            I don’t know what happiness is to me,                   I can’t really think of a time that I was truly happy          I think back and not a damn thing comes to mind. But I guess  that's how its suppose to be, you remember the bad stuff more vividly so                you don't make the same mistakes over and over again. But even looking back in journals there was always so much pain in the things                                        I thought made me happy.              So does that mean I haven’t been happy since I was a child?      Does that really mean for more than half my life I have been wasting life?                                     Truly wasting my life and time.

This song is my life right now.

Lately I have been a little confused. Emotions are running wild. Feelings I haven’t felt in some time are rushing back. I know I shouldn’t feel the way I do. And I know of a way I can stop them. I know how to make this all go away, yet I cant seem to do it. Maybe it’s because I feel cheated. Cheated on an actual opportunity with someone who may have been the only guy to feel the same way I do at the same time. The timing though, Its always the timing with me. When we met he was in a seriously bad place. and then that was that. And now that he is in a good place he has become more attractive to me than he was when he was a broken messed up guy who had lost his way. But like I said my timing sucks. And well he has moved on in a big way. But I have the gut feeling that his feelings are not gone. I mean he remembers things about our time together, mornings where I look like a raccoon troll, or our sexual encounters. and those are the things that I blocked out for my own sanity. But since he and I have been talking its all coming back. Those eyes, his ass and most of all his heart. God I have to shake these feelings. He’s not available. That and I start thinking about how somethings are lessons and should stay in the past, but then I think that maybe we have bad timing and that maybe our time is just not right now. Do I wait? Do I hold on to hope? Or do I move on and just forget it? 

I have no idea what I am going to do. I want to quit. I want to give up and just live. Actually start living. I am so depressed, so tired. I have to try and find balance. I am not good at being balanced. I am either blah or extreme, there is no in between. 

Mornings like this one are my least favorite. I woke with a feeling of dread. I dread the day ahead and what it all entails. It also doesn't help that I slept in this morning, my whole day gone. when working from three in the afternoon till midnight when you wake up late, late morning you truly have no real-time to get anything done. I had a fairly nice evening last night at home, besides my mother falling and fucking up her body more than it already is. It was nice, relaxing and really enjoyable. It made me miss being home at night. Being here for my most important meal of the day dinner, because it’s pretty much the only meal I eat. Breakfast in the morning makes my stomach hurt and lunch who needs that. But with the hours I work I eat around 12:30 or 1:00. My niece calls it my “linner” time. I don't like taking a lunch to work for the fact it would cut into my smoke time, silly huh? But between coffee and cigarettes, those are my only vices. I don't drink too often and no drugs to speak of other than Tylenol or ibuprofen. I have those two things that help my day be a little less shitty. But this morning those two things are not getting where I need to be. Sadness is washing over me this morning. Getting dressed was a task as was doing my hair, fuck putting on any kind of make-up today. I haven't really felt like doing that in such a long time. And by chance that I do it doesn't make me feel good like it used to. I like my work hours some of the days but after my nights off the next day, it almost brakes me to go, because I miss being home. being with my dogs and my kitty. Being here for my mom. Nighttime is the worst for her health stuff so it scares me when I am not here to hear if she’s breathing in her sleep or not. It's funny how I can hear her stop breathing in a dead sleep but her snoring is a lullaby. I guess its because I am so afraid to lose her. She is my best friend, the one I go to when my world is crashing down around me, smothering me and I can't catch a break to inhale some fucking Peace. My mind is never at peace, always racing always thinking the worst possible outcome of anything. Even now as I sit on my porch I am thinking of how much pain my mother is in and how she has no idea how to slow the fuck down and rest. Yesterday's fall really hurt her. I know she's going to do the things she wants to do because that's what she does every day. Works in the yard, play with the dogs and clean the house top to bottom. My fear is she’s going to hurt herself again and I won't be here I will be Forty miles away at work cleaning up messes that I will probably never get to make myself. My sister lives close but she’s a drama queen always has been probably always will be. So if say my mom does fall and she calls my sister I will get this terrifying call saying mom has broken all the important parts and she's rushing her to the E.R. So today I dread. Today I am sad. Today I am drowning in myself.

There are not many out there like me. I am not a normal girl, woman or whatever you wanna classify me as. When I care for someone I care with my whole being. head, heart, and soul. No matter if that is in the friend capacity or a relationship. Many can or could say that I come on pretty strong when I get involved with anyone. I have tried to tone it down but then I felt like a part of me was missing. A hole where a big part of who I am is missing. So That leads me to why I am here today in the place I am. I can’t just sleep with someone and move on been there done that and I am just not able to do it. I do get attached, I give myself to the person wholeheartedly and unfortunately, it ends up hurting me. In this day and age that's all there is. Sex. That word is something that I struggle with. I know what it is how it works and why people do it. I would rather have passion. Passion for a person their mind and their body. I have never really had that... But I think part of that is because no one has truly been in love with me the way that I have been in love with others. Loving the smallest of things. For example, the smell of their job on their skin, the way they constantly squint their eyes, the way they made me feel safe even when they were not around just knowing they “had me” was enough for me to feel safe. But I honestly don’t think anyone as fallen in love with me just love the things that I can or would do for them. That hurts, it breaks my heart to know I have never reciprocated the love I have given. when I am with someone I am devoted to making them happy, you need something. Here have it.  You wanna have you time, go because I need me time to. I have been a firm believer in loving one's self before loving another. I have tried to say positive put myself out there and it will start all good then I’m dropped. No explanation nothing just dead silence and I think that's what gets to me the most, have some balls to tell me whatever it is I am not a fragile person I can take criticism, constructive or not. when I ask those close to me if I have a vibe that screams “use me and leave me” they have no real advice or know what to say to me. So when it comes down to it I have no clue how to do this love life thing, and I am so close to calling quits on this. Then these words come from within my head, words I have heard so many times. “One day” that’s what everyone says, including me. But one day might be too late. Too late to accomplish the things I want in life. 

Well my sister knows exactly knows how to piss me off.. I was kinda already having a shit day because I slept in.. Wasted my day. I could have done so many things this morning. But no I slept till almost 10 and well that fucked my whole day. I have to leave my house at 2:20 to make it to work on time. When you work nights living life is a little frustrating I feel like I have the whole day but in reality I dont. I have a few hours and it’s worse on days that my mother has appointments. I thought this job would give me more freedom to have a bit more life. But.. Nope I have less life, less time and less freedom. I can’t seem to make time to be me have me time. I am drowning and I just cant make it to the surface of this pool of misery. I just want butterflies again I want to smile and actually feel happy and not like a total fake.I am a fake. Those words are hard to hear because I have always tried to stay authentic, authentic to myself. I just don’t think I can do this fake life much longer.  

Exhausted. Emotionally, physically. I feel like I am drowning. I have always sort of believed in horoscopes but I think that is just because it’s the optimist in me. But I am starting to really lose faith in things. things like love and happiness being at peace in my life. I read that this month is supposed to bring new beginnings and good ones at that. I want to believe that is true but it is getting harder and harder to stay positive about where and how my life is going. Just when I think my life is staring to go in the direction I want,, BOOM it is like a nuke goes off and all thats left in the wake is the rubble of me. Bits and pieces of me that cling to the hope of love and a full and happy life. Each time those pieces get smaller and smaller leaving me more and more empty. How do I begin to build up my love for life, my hope that all the breaths I take are not for nothing. At this point I feel like just being here is not enough.. Empty shell, lost and honestly a little confused. What did I do to deserve this shitty luck when it comes to life. I know I have not had it as bad as some but when it comes to friends and love I have some fucked up luck.. fingers crossed I dont give up completely..

Well I thought I was doing better.. Boy was I wrong. I thought a new job would help me get out of this slump but in all reality I am still in the same place I was mentally as I was before just with a better paying job. I went out, hung out and still nothing makes me truly smile anymore..  I have locked my keys in my jeep more time in the last 3 months than I have in the almost eight years I have owned the thing. My brain is running on nothing, no fuel. I am forgetting the most daily tasks. Crying more than normal. I am not really a cryer unless I am mad or I am seriously hurt. I found that in the past being a cryer made me weak, vulnerable and easy to manipulate. I am done being a door mat Now that I have found my back bone and stood up for myself I find myself with less and less. Less friends, Less love, Less joy. You would think that I would feel empowered I would feel better and confident when in all reality I feel worse in parts of my life than when I was nothing but the dirt people walked upon. How could that make any since??? Maybe being a weak damsel made me more attractive made me more of a conquest for men? Who knows... The other day I had to come home early from work because I couldn't hold it together. I was balling and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Once I was home I sat down with my mom and chatted with her about what I was troubled by she of course had no real advice for me because she had all of the things I want when she was my age... She was married, had a child and friends. She couldn't relate to how I was feeling and I could tell it hurt her knowing she couldn't help me when I was at my lowest.  Being a great mom that she is she proceeded to call my best friend which is also my niece. and she chatted with me for a while. As I sat on top of that butte I cried, sang and thought. I have pretty much always thought something is wrong with me. Back to the being a back boned person vs a damsel. But the she turned the tables on me and sent me a message that well made me start to think that maybe I wasn't all to blame for all the shame and sadness that I am feeling. “Men are into vulnerable women, women that show they "need" a man. You have got your shit together and that intimidates them. And they don't deserve you. And friends will forever come and go. Even the ones you give every thing too.”  So is this true??? Could all my emotional problems be solved by being a little more vulnerable? Could this be, how could that be? None the less I would feel like I was going backwards if I became this vulnerable woman after working so hard to be strong... So I am at a loss. What to do? After my massive cry fest I was headed home when I decided to text my oldest sister and chat with her because for some reason her shitty life makes me feel a little better about my pathetic life and I know thats not very nice but its the truth. She has always had it harder than I. It made me feel a tiny bit better but then she started to tell me how I need to step out of my zone of comfort and try new things.. Well I did that just the week before. I started to chat with a guy A few grades below me in high school at that time he drove me a little nuts. He has ADHD an well when he wasn't going 100mph his mouth was. But he was always cute as hell. So he messaged me out of the blew now that we are both grownish and in our 20s and things where going great for about 3 days.. And now nothing, Did I move too fast for this guy? I mean it was pretty hot and heavy in my jeep and then at his place. But being the responsible young woman that I am I threw on the Emergency brake when I asked if he had protection.... And well that was that. I am trying hard not to make a big deal out of this but I honestly really enjoyed myself when we where having some innocent conversation. I felt good about it so when we kissed like they do in the movies. Guy and girl goofing off and their heads get close to one another and then they kiss it stops the goofing off like magic.. Yeah I have never had that happen.. And well now I have and like I said magic.. Not kidding almost as if time stopped for that short moment. Then I had to go and Fuck it up. went and made things weird... I am going to to try and be a little less strong on the outside be a little more “weak” and see. See if not being a solid person makes a difference. I cant fall back into old habits of bending over backwards for people who dont deserve it butI am going to try and be less.. And I know I shouldn't change myself for people, and people should love me for me but right now I have no one so what do I really have to lose.

Well today was better than yesterday, not perfect but not terrible. Dealing with pain is not my favorite thing in the world, emotional or physical. And right now I am dealing with both. Emotionally I am fighting my depression, and my self worth. I honestly have know idea what came first.. Could it be my self worth? the simple fact that I have not been in a committed relationship in over five years and haven’t even had any prospects of a mate in over a year. I haven’t been a choice for someone in a long while the last time I was chosen and wasn't just a “play thing” turned out to be an otter disaster. Maybe thats why, maybe it left a permanent mark on my body warning future suitors of my past, of how damaged I am. I am feeling quite revolting even on days I actually care about how I look. Feeling pretty or even beautiful has not happened in a long while. None the less I am trying my best to put my best foot forward when it comes to getting back out there and in the saddle. So far no luck but I am going to do my best not to give up. That leaves us with my physical pain.. Nothing to crazy but walking isn't much fun when with every step I want to cry out in pain. Did what all doctors tell you not to do, I looked up my symptoms, thats right on Google and well it says I have cuboid syndrome and from what I have read there is not much I can do considering its been protruding out of the side of my foot since I was about 15 and well they say that if it is caught within the first 24 hours they can pop the bone back into place but considering I am now 24 almost 25 I dont really think that is an option any more... And before this last week it was never this bad. more like a sore tired foot. but this past week it has been hell, nothing like before, before it was manageable a foot rub here and there a nice foot soak and I was good as new.  But I shall ditch all my googling research come Monday when my doctor tells me whats actually wrong with my foot. so fingers crossed she can tell me what the hell is going on inside my foot if not I may be looking into self amputations videos. HAHA. So today is my Friday and I am at home lounging in my pjs watching Bones and snacking seriously every 30 minutes.. It’s crazy that I am not obese yet. Thank god for a super fantastic metabolism! So like I said it wasn’t a terrible day but the dread that I will die alone haunts me every moment of everyday. And the foot pain nothing I can really do about that hoping that it gets figured out. So for now this is good night.

Well that didn’t take long... I am exhausted. mentally, physically and emotionally. Wide awake and dyeing for sleep, hoping for some sort of relief. I can not handle much more.. Sometimes I wish I could send up some kind of signal for help. But as of now I am not ready to involve people into my madness thats in my mind. So for now laying in bed suffering in silence will have to do. 

Well today I broke down cried in front of my boss. I am fucking up left and right making mistakes at work and accomplishing absolutely nothing a home. I feel like a total waste of space. I need to get out of this funk, out of this rut and move forward because if I stay in it my boss will have to let me go as I am un useful to the team. the team of three people so if one of us is a wreck it kinda fucks us all up. My boss gets bitched at by the customers when I forget something or was not as bubbly as I should I am unpleasant to the customers and forgetful and a total dumbass and all I want to do is be the true asshole that I am. I am sorry but when you order 7 drinks plus food and the total comes to a whopping $40 some and then you tip me nothing not even a penny.... And when they come in the next time and get the same things and yet again tip NOTHING! are you fucking kidding me... Thats when I wanna smack the shit out of them or when they are so stupid they dont know the difference between a frappuccino a dry cappuccino... “I would like a 16oz mocha frappuccino dry. Like a lot of foam.” and then look at me like I am stupid.  so my reply is “ I can do that but I have to ask do you really want foam on a frozen blended drink?”  And thats when I get this look that lights a fire in my soul which makes me want to lean over and smack the holy living shit of the dumbass. and they reply “uh no thats not what I want.. I want a mocha frappuccino with foam on top.” so this is when I become a scientist I go and froth some milk then get a cup fill it with ice place it into the blender and blend away once that is done I place the foam on top of the ice.... By this point they have realized they are a total asshat and say “okay I guess I didn’t want the foam that looks gross...” How the hell am I supposed to stay chipper when they are trying to order something from Uranus.... Like really? Well now that you have a little bit about what I deal with at work, on to the home life. well to say the least I should be happy I have my mom and my cat as well as my dogs. I have a roof over our heads we really dont want for anything but still I am unhappy. My mother is broken, she cant lift more than a gallon of milk. She has COPD and can’t breathe very well and then to top it all off can’t really walk or stand or even sit for too long. That limits pretty much everything that a person can and wants to do. So on my days off I am working not in the since of being payed. All this shit that my mom can not do I have to do in two days.. But it never fails she has an appointment on one of my days off which is fine because I know she has to go and she has to try and feel better. And I know that I shouldn't feel the way I do. wining and bitching about being a hard worker on and off the job and a fantastic daughter. I sacrifice everything to make sure that my mom has everything she could ever want or need, but then that leaves me feeling the way I do. Feeling like I have no life, no friends and no life. feeling like I am a total waste. I am nearly Twenty-Five years old and I have not been laid in over a year and have not been in an actual relationship in 5 years... I have no time nor do I have the motivation to put in effort. I put so much effort into my job and my mom that I hardly have any want to put effort into someone who is just going to let me down. And not gently they will fucking ejecto seato cuz me real quick.. I have this vibe or something that attracts all fuck boys and clingy men. And since I have not been with someone in quite some time I have gotten used to doing things on my own. going when and where I want to when I want to. I dont want to have to tell anyone any of that. and dont even get me started on touching.. Its like bugs on my skin.. I hate it. it is seriously god awful. and most men want to touch. see part of my dilemma.. there is a deeper story behind the touching thing that could be discussed at a later date.  But as for now I am going to try my hardest to get out of this funk before it completely ruins my life. And as a start I am going to try writing again that worked in the past and I am hoping it will help this time.. Because I am a wreck and I dont know how much longer I am handle it.