Ask an Autistic

I'll put a trashbag on the floor so I'll remember to take it outside but I'll be thinking about so many unrelated things that I step around it and go outside without it.

Or I do something at work and then a minute later I'll catch myself starting to do it again, even though I did it already. And it's usually not that I forget necessarily, it's more that I'm off in my head and it's like my body is on autopilot.

It's really embarissing and it happens all the time, it makes me feel so stupid.

My questions is, is this something someone with only autism could have trouble with? Or is this more an adhd thing?

Forgetfulness and distractibility or issues with organisation can be linked to all kinds of things in some way or another, to an extent. Going on autopilot and not being able to remember if you're already done something or skipping parts of a task can be an issue for lots of people, particularly if engaged in something repetitive or boring, regardless of neurotype. Or can be something that occurs in someone who didn't previously struggle in this way due to stress or menopause or burnout.

An autistic person might struggle to multi-task or struggle with transitions in a way that means it's harder to complete a task, or might be pre-occupied by a special interest, or might struggle with processing (like being unable to focus on the task properly because of someone else trying to talk to them or ask them questions, and forgetting steps or doing the wrong steps because of the distraction). Executive dysfunction means we can struggle with all the smaller parts of the task, having to kind of think of them separately, and although I also have ADHD I've sometimes wondered whether ONE of my issues with completing tasks without some kind of brain blip moment is that I am having to consciously focus on each part of the task, and some are more prominent in my mind (I think more in concepts but I might have the kind of idea of the kettle in my head and that I need to boil it, and that might mean I am struggling to 'grab'/'hold' the idea of the cup, teabag, sugar, spoon, or that I need to open the cupboard to get a cup out, or that I need to go to the fridge and get the milk. And whereas I do have a routine of how I LIKE to make tea, I can get distracted or feel a bit less focused and struggling to piece together all the steps means I might act on these things in the wrong order and confuse myself even more. Like coming back from the fridge with the milk and then feeling a bit lost because I can't actually do anything with it (because there's no cup there with the teabag and sugar in it, let alone the fact I still need to pour in hot water and stir it and take the teabag out so what do I even need the milk for yet?! That was a waste of time, now the kettle's boiled and there's nowhere to pour the water, and I'm standing here holding a bottle of milk.

But obviously for most people who don't have a more general issue with attention, these little issues are likely to be an unusual thing that can be laughed off and more readily/easily corrected. Most people walk into a room and forget what they're there for at some time or another. Whereas for others it can be a longterm thing, that causes significant problems (even if it is just the accumulation of lots of seemingly small errors compared to most other people) and embarrassment. Whilst this issue might be worse (and more common) when doing something that would be pretty much universally recognised as boring, you might find that you do it even if you're interested in something. For me, I notice that I tend to go off in my head even if I'm finding something interesting. I might have to skip back to watch the same part of a programme or to listen to the same part of a podcast 10 times because I am repeatedly zoning out and thinking about something else, but because I am genuinely interested in what's being shown/said, I can't just continue watching without 'getting' that bit, and I also can't just give up on it entirely because I do want to watch/listen to it. Sometimes I just need something else to be able to engage (like being able to do something with my body at the same time as listening). Being bored of something can be painful to me, so sitting through a meeting or work training that I find boring is excruciating and I'll often struggle to take it all in because my mind will wander, but my brain struggles to focus on listening and watching when I WANT to, as well, quite often. To figure out whether this is possibly ADHD-related for you, you could look into the diagnostic criteria to see whether there are other ADHD-related things you experience. Whilst there is some overlap, it is possible to be both, and can be harder to recognise if you present in one way more strongly than the other. Something I feel is a bit different for me most of the time is that my processing seems to be slower than a lot of ADHDers I know. This is purely anecdotal and perhaps it's just a perception I have. They might lose something and realise they've lost it and will often comment on it. They'd likely be quicker to switch tasks, so on getting the milk they might think, 'Oh silly me, I didn't even get the cup out!' Whereas my brain tends towards a more glitchy, confused, buffering mode when I'm muddled. Of course it could also just be that a lot of non-autistic ADHDers I know are more energetic and talkative than I am, and maybe the talking things through helps them process? Or maybe it's because my autistic need for logic and routine is too disrupted if something goes awry (the steps being out of order takes longer for my brain to deal with?).

I've discovered that painting is an excellent way for me to self-regulate, and I think it works for me for a number of neurodivergence related reasons.

Because I am ultimately painting for fun, there's no pressure. I don't have to show anyone, I don't have to worry about an unhappy client, I don't have to be able to justify my technique or progress to a tutor.

Because I have aphantasia and can't picture what I want/hope/expect the picture to look like, I can't feel too stressed about not achieving it (I notice my partner, who has a first class degree in art, does tend to hate everything she creates for a while because she never feels it matches up to what she wanted to achieve, even though her work is beautiful, but for me even if things seem to be going kind of weird or rubbish, it usually turns out as something I quite like or like elements of).

It gives me something to hyperfocus on that distracts me from real world worries, especially if I paint things that are nothing to do with anything serious (I paint a lot of snails and have experimented with paint dropping and more abstract colourful pieces).

OR it gives me an outlet for some of the things I might want to express. Usually I write as a creative outlet, but that does feel more pressured to me because that's the pursuit I take more seriously, and writing can feel much more personal and vulnerable (for me). So painting has been a nice alternative.

Experimenting with visual elements, like colour, shape, movement, is great for both sensory seeking and for regulation.

I end up so absorbed I can spend hours painting, which keeps me off social media. No doom scrolling, no overstimulation from constant, fast input, no bad news or people being vile to each other.

I set up an account on instagram to post my arty pursuits on, and was mindful of the algorithm, so even when I am online I have a little space now where I can avoid problematic or heavy content. Which has been better for my mental health. I also tend to get shown a lot of little art videos that might have tips or techniques I'd like to try out, or reassuring and uplifting content about the creative process.

I usually use acrylics because they dry fast which means I don't have to stop between layers. Usually I can either work on another part of the canvas until the bit I've just done is dry enough to continue with, or I can switch to a different piece for a little while, then switch back. This is really helpful as someone who's both autistic and has ADHD.

My way of painting means there's almost immediate gratification compared to how I write (which appeals to my ADHD). When writing I need to be ready to write, and once I've written something I know I need to do back and do the boring and less gratifying part - edit it. By that point I'm sick of the words, I'm unsure about making edits and potentially wanting to undo them or re-edit. I often need to step back and wait until I'm ready to look back at the piece with fresh eyes. I'm aware of the unfinished pieces that I should be editing, which creates pressure and sometimes shame or guilt. With painting, it's right there. I can sometimes decide to wait until the following day to decide on whether to do something, but it doesn't feel as pressing (it doesn't matter if it's never 'finished' in the same way it matters if my writing piece isn't finished because I'm not an artist).

Basically, the way my brain works means that my writing process is very different to my painting process, and painting has become a surprisingly therapeutic outlet for me in a much different way to writing.

I chew rather than pick, but I might include tips for both in case it's helpful to other people with similar issues. I'll include deterrents in case there are times you need to be deterred, but also ways that you can continue to do it if you want to or can't help it, to reduce the likelihood of infection. I haven't tried all of these things myself, but have either seen them recommended, tried them myself, or accidentally found them useful:

Nail varnish that tastes bad. This is to deter chewing more than picking, of course, but I'll mention it in case it is useful to anyone. I have refused to try this to stop myself chewing but if someone is desperate to stop they might be willing to suffer the bad taste.

Nail varnish to pick off. You could try painting your nails (clear if you don't want to use a colour) so that you can pick off the varnish rather than picking at your skin. Some people also do things like put PVA glue on their skin/fingers so that they can peel it off when it's dry, but obviously that might not be ideal if you are out and about.

Make-up/vaseline. Putting on make-up or some lip balm or vaseline on the lips might make it less appealing to pick at the skin (especially if you hate getting your hands sticky or greasy/it feels too unpleasant to tolerate). Unless you dislike the feeling of anything like that on your skin/lips altogether.

Plasters as a deterrent. Putting plasters around your fingers prevents access, so means you can't pick (or chew). This has accidentally worked for me in that if I've made my fingers bleed and had to put a plaster on that finger, I can't chew that finger anymore!

Plasters (and other products) for cleanliness and hygiene. Maybe keep a mini First Aid kit to hand with some wipes and plasters so you can clean any open wounds and cover them up, or antiseptic creams, balms, or even mouthwash if you tend to get cuts inside your mouth/lips from biting or picking.

Gloves. Keeping gloves with you might also mean you can keep your hands cleaner and prevent infection (particularly if you are doing activities that will get your hands dirty).

Keep your hands busy. Typing, writing, reading, holding a cup or any item that means you would find it harder to pick, having something to fiddle with, using your phone (maybe download some games or apps that would keep your hands busy).

Keep your mouth busy: obviously chewing or sucking sugary sweets isn't great for your teeth, but if you chew or pick at your lips, you could maybe find some chewing gum or sugar free sweets or some kind of chewy sensory aid to keep your mouth too busy to chew on your skin or to make it harder to pick (if you are moving your mouth/lips because you're eating or drinking).

Caring for your skin. Some people find that looking after their skin somehow makes them also more likely to stop doing things that harm it. So someone might get a manicure, or use creams and lip balms to care for the skin on their hands and lips.

Managing the skin (keeping the skin as smooth as possible using other means). I tend to rub my fingers with my thumb (and vice versa) and if I feel a rough bit end up trying to chew it off. If I see a bit of nail that looks like it isn't trimmed as short as the rest, I'll chew at it. Sometimes it's better for me just to use a pair of nail clippers to clip away skin cleanly, instead of using my teeth and pulling (and potentially pulling the skin back and making the area bleed).

Followers, any other ideas?

It might help to really think through the parasocial aspect of fandom. Remember that you don't really know this person. You see what they present. And that's not negative; lots of people have a professional persona. It's often necessary to be able to remain employed, and they can also help people to separate themselves from their job a bit (which might be necessary for mental health). It might also protect someone's privacy to keep colleagues/clients/customers (and fans, who are basically customers) at a safe distance (because everyone is entitled to their privacy, and people who are in the public eye can still, understandably, want to cling on to as much privacy as possible). It's probably also worth always bearing in mind that no one can live up to a purity test, because no one is perfect and pure. People are complex, multifaceted beings. Everyone has different experiences, different frames of reference, different sources of influence. People can learn and grow over time, change their minds, regret past behaviours. People can have bad days as well (so might not be at their best if they're unwell, going through a difficult time, are worried or upset about something). So sometimes people can disappoint us and it's tolerable and something that can be moved past (if we accept that person in their entirety, flaws and all). And sometimes they do something or believe something that we cannot tolerate or forgive. The thing with celebrities is that there are limits to what we see, and we don't get the same opportunity to talk it out as we might with people we are close to. We can't find out why they said what they said, did what they did, whether they truly believe x, and we can't offer a different perspective in the same way we can if it's someone we know and are close to. Celebrities are indifferent to us because they don't know we exist. Even if we admire them, think we have a lot in common and would share a common understanding if they did get to know us, or if we have a huge crush on them, they have literally no idea who we are. They don't like us, admire us, or really have any feelings towards us whatsoever. Odds are that even if we meet them, they'll soon forget about us because we're one amongst many fans, and nothing special to them. If you tend to go to a lot of events where they do meet and greets or sign things, even if the recognise you, it's not like you're their friend or someone they want to hang out with as an equal. And, as negative as that might sound (that we are, as individual strangers, as insignificant to them as any stranger is to any person, even if a celebrity does greatly appreciate their fans), I think it can help to think of it in those terms, to also maintain a bit more distance on your side.

Often physically hugging them during a meltdown is the absolute best way to help but obviously I don't want to put myself within pushing range anymore. The outside of their head can be a scary place to be... but I know that the inside of their head during a meltdown is pretty scary for them too, and they can't ever get away.

It would probably be a good idea to discuss this when you are both feeling calm and regulated to try to troubleshoot.

It might also be a good idea to look into whether there is any professional help available. Even if he's not generally an angry person and it doesn't seem like he needs anger management, some kind of therapy might help him to identify what causes these reactions and what might work for him to cope.

Also consider whether you need someone to talk to (possibly someone who doesn't know either of you if you are concerned about the stigma of friends or family knowing that he did become physical during a meltdown).

Find the cause/s It sounds like this is something you both already try to do, which is great. Knowing what's causing them can sometimes make it easier to avoid them happening, or to prevent overload or distress from escalating to the point of violence. Being able to pre-empt that certain situations or problems might cause a meltdown means you can also put coping mechanisms in place. You might need to break down the cause/s, as well (for example, if your partner tends to meltdown after going out, think about what kind of outings tend to be too much and why that might be - length of time, the specific place/s he's been, the travel method). Then you can think of things that might mitigate those difficulties, or be prepared for the fact he is likely to have a meltdown at some point if he's unable to regulate/calm down.

Examine both of your behaviour during meltdowns Does he tend to isolate himself or act not-towards you, or when he gets very angry does he seek you out? It sounds like it's probably the former because you mentioned that he doesn't target you or your things. However, if it is ever the latter, then that might suggest you do need to make sure you are away from him and safe, to prevent him being able to approach you if he might become violent.

Do you tend to try to help? Talk to him, calm him down, ask what's wrong? If so, this would be perfectly natural - it's normal and kind to worry about the people we love when they're distressed, and to want to find out what's causing it and to try to help. But sometimes having someone talking to, touching, or reacting to a meltdown can make things worse. Think of it as a state where you aren't able to properly process and act rationally, so people trying to ask questions or reassure us can be overwhelming in itself, might cause more confusion or frustration (if we aren't in a fit state to be able to reply properly or to act on what we're being encouraged to do).

This does not mean that you are to blame for any violence enacted upon you, so please do not feel bad or blame yourself. But it might help you to react in a more helpful way if you are doing anything that exacerbates things.

Figure out the early signs It's not always possible for an autistic person (or the people around them) to recognise that certain behaviours might be signs of overload or distress, and sometimes the switch from appearing perfectly fine to being in a state of shutdown or meltdown can be so rapid and sharp it seems like it's come out of nowhere. But by paying attention to little changes in behaviour or mood it might be possible to start to recognise hints that something is going on. If either of you start to recognise that he starts to become less able to articulate, or starts to huff or sigh or roll his eyes when he's becoming overwhelmed or agitated, it might mean that he knows to make an active decision to self-regulate, or that might be a good time to offer a hug if that helps him. Being able to identify when I'm struggling, or having someone who loves me kindly point out that they're noticing that I'm getting antsy and checking if I'm dehydrated or want to go off and sit in the quiet and do something that helps me to re-regulate can be hugely helpful. It might also enable you to quietly remove any valuables that might get broken, and yourself if need be, or to implement a strategy before he reaches the point of losing control (like getting out a box of things he can throw safely or something he can hit like cusions or a punchbag).

Have a strategy in place for the meltdown It might not be possible to pre-empt, and once a meltdown has started it can be hard to think and act rationally, so it's not always going to work, but, as mentioned above, you could try to come up with a box of things that it is safe for him to throw or to hit. These things can either be always somewhere visible where he might hopefully use them if it's been pre-discussed and he's aware of what they're for, or you can get them out when he starts to meltdown and leave them where he can see them if it's safe for you to do so.

Part of the plan might also mean you removing yourself from the area he's melting down in if it is potentially going to result in you coming to harm. You don't have to risk any injury to yourself. Meltdowns can be exacerbated or drawn out if things occur while they're happening that cause additional distress, so lashing out and hurting you or you being frightened by him throwing things is potentially going to make it harder for him to calm down anyway - your priority should be your own safety anyway, but it might help to think of it as something that benefits both of you. Discuss this in advance to make it clear that you are leaving the area for safety and not because you are upset or angry with him and leaving in a negative way, but ultimately your safety comes before his feelings so if it is a bit upsetting to him to be left while he's melting down, that's something you can both address afterwards when he's calm.

Meltdown/Shutdown Resource You could both have a look at this resource to see if there is anything that resonates behaviourwise, or that sparks ideas for things that you experience that aren't included, and whether any suggestions for things that help/don't help are useful (or spark other ideas for things that would work for you both).

It's quite generalised (so for example, too much socialisation is broad, and it might be more useful to someone who recognises that is an issue to try to narrow down the things that make it more or less tolerable - the specific people being socialised with, the amount of people, the amount of conversation/interaction involved (cinema trips might be better than a chat in the pub), the venue, the amount of time spent socialising, accrued socialisation over an extended period of time (five hours one evening might be tolerable if there is some time to regulate beforehand and time to recuperate the next day, but 1.5 hours per evening over the course of three evenings might be too much).

For some people, it might be that there is no major thing that causes a meltdown, but a build up of tiny things, and avoiding meltdowns is more about being aware of how many little things are happening. Those things might not actually seem like much of an issue by themselves, so sometimes it can even be about trying to figure out what could be contibuting rather than having to identify something is definitely contributing (if that makes sense?); if in one day I got up and had no milk left to have my routine breakfast but managed to get over it fairly quickly, then went to a shop and got something I was excited to get, then went to an event that I enjoyed, then came home on the tube still in a good mood, then ordered something to eat and it was delayed, then my t-shirt got caught on a handle as I walked past it and I had a huge, disproportionate meltdown, none of the things that happened were necessarily to blame, but all might have contributed - disappointment, sensory overload and crowds, more crowds and having to use public transport, gradually getting kind of overstimulated but doing things I enjoy and that making it bearable and making it harder to recognise, and eventually something tips me over the edge. So perhaps the next time I might need to plan to only do one thing in the day that requires going to a crowded place, or I need to remember my earplugs on the tube, or I need to make sure I eat earlier in the day or order food a bit earlier to allow for delays. And recognising it's a build up of lots of little things that by themselves I was able to cope with helps it seem less shameful than believing that I flipped out over my t-shirt catching on a door handle.

I can relate a bit to this. I am quite 'babyfaced', and even though I can come across as being very quiet and serious, I tend to be mistaken for being considerably younger than I am, and although it can be a nice thing, it can also be quite embarrrassing. It's also frustrating if that perception means that I'm taken less seriously than my peers (in the past it was common for colleagues to be automatically viewed as more competent based purely on them being perceived as 'real grownups' even if I was more experienced and knowledgable, and my perspectives being dismissed/being patronised).

Sometimes it can be a positive (even if people underestimate you); people can far more forgiving of neurodivergent traits when they believe you're younger than you are.

But sometimes it's nice to be taken seriously from the off, and not to have to work harder than everyone else to prove yourself.

Clothes

Clothes can make a huge difference, even if it's just in comparison to how you usually dress. If part of the issue is that you wear clothes that are comfortable but seem less professional/mature, I'd suggest looking for clothes that are different to the ones you already wear, but that have similar characteristics sensory-wise.

For example, I am a 'baggy clothes' autistic. I like soft clothes. I ended up, for a long time, wearing exclusively jogging bottoms in colder weather and baggy cargo shorts (that were actually cargo swim trunks, so very lightweight and loose) in hot weather. I found some 'loose fit' cargo trousers that were quite soft and had an elasticated waist, and was able to get a size that was loose enough to be comfortable but not so much they'd fall down. I could sit comfortably, walk comfortably, crouch and sit crossed legged on the floor in them. They're casual trousers, but when my partner saw me wearing them, the contrast was so stark that to her it looked like I was actually dressed 'smart'.

So over time I have managed to find some trousers that feel comfortable, are in keeping with my 'style', but that seem less childish or unprofessional than what I previously wore. I tend to stick to the same brand/s when I find things that I like.

It's also about figuring out what you can tolerate and in what situations. For me, looser clothes trump material (so I can tolerate a slightly stiffer/rougher material if it's lightweight and oversized more than I can tolerate soft material that's too clingy). It's basically about figuring out what your needs are, looking for clothes with similar characteristics to try, and experimenting until you find something that works for you.

If you don't dress to suit your personality (focusing more on purely comfort) then you could see whether toning things down helps (like wearing neutral colours and avoiding bright colours or loud patterns), or whether brightening things up does! Switching from wearing hoodies to wearing hoodless jumpers can somehow come across as a bit more mature stylewise and more professional. Maybe a stronger sense of style would be read as confidence rather than childishness. A lot of it probably depends on the clothes themselves, how you carry yourself, etc. (maybe finding the right clothes that are comfortable but also make you feel and act more confident).

If you dress in a way that suits your personality, and feel like you can't dress in a way that reads as less childish without compromising yourself, you might want to think about other ways you can assert yourself if people aren't treating you like a competent adult.

This can also apply to sensory aids like ear protection. If you find that people tend to associate ear defenders with children, then switching to headphones or ear plugs/ear phones might help with things like that (drawing less attention for example). Sensory-wise it can require some trial and error to find what works, or building up a cache if you need a range of options depending on the situation: still needing to be able to make out what people are saying, needing extra protection because of the level of noise, needing or preferring to listen to music, not being able or allowed or not wanting to also listen to music, not wanting something that goes in the ear, or not being able to tolerate tightness over the ears or having something in your ears for too long, etc.

Haircut

Different haircuts can also make a difference. They can make your face seem a different shape, hide or reveal signs of aging (someone who wants to appear younger might have a fringe to hide lines on their forehead, but maybe someone who wants to look older might brush their hair back to show those lines!).

I've noticed the difference a haircut can make, possibly more so because I dislike getting my hair cut, so tend to wait a long time between visits to the barber. A negative of this is that people notice the change more, so I'm more likely to get comments, but this also means that sometimes the comments basically amount to me looking a bit older (comments that amount to me looking like a 'real' adult, or being referred to as 'handsome' instead of 'cute' by the few people who are somewhat fond of my face). So it seems that iIf my hair is a bit longer and either has no style or the style has grown out I am perceived as younger and more childlike (context can exacerbate this, of course, because multiple things can add together to create an appearance; I once had a doctor assume that my girlfriend who is younger than me was my mother when I was in hospital, but there was a lot of context that created the perfect conditions for that drastic a mistake: I was on a ward full of elderly men which made me look younger by comparison, was obviously unwell and so had lost weight on top of wearing my oversized joggers and t-shirt (and so looked more 'slight' and apparently vulnerable on the big hospital bed), with my basically dark version of Bam-Bam Rubble hair). But if it's cut in a way that looks more styled and therefore 'groomed' it seems to read as more mature.

Again, this might vary depending on your hair and face shape. But you could always ask a barber or hairdresser what cut/style would suit you and help you to look more your age.

So there are things you can do that can alter how people perceive you a bit. But you could also focus on:

Confidence and (Relevant) Skills

Coming across as self-assured and confidence might also help people perceive you as more competent and mature/less childlike. And this doesn't have to be achieved through your image. It could be through looking into professional advice to help you better assert yourself or feel more confident, or through focusing on your strengths and how to show those to other people.

I could be through awareness of your body language. If you tend to slouch, standing up straighter. If you find it hard to make eye contact, either focusing on another part of the face or just being more positive and confident about not making eye contact. And/or being more open about the misperceptions people have. 'People sometimes think I lack confidence because I'm quiet and don't make eye contact, but that's just beacuse I'm autistic. I am very confident in my ability to do [whatever].' 'I know that my attire might seem a bit unfashionable/unprofessional, but it's just because I prioritise comfort over fashion/find I'm much better at performing my job role when I'm comfortable.'

That last one might even just be about being more honest instead of doubting yourself, and then if other people recognise that your choices are actually more self-assured or sensible than doubting yourself and trying to fit in, undersstanding your choices or needs might make them more respectful and mindful.

If people recognise strengths/skills and consider you knowledgable and experienced, if they value your perspective, then it doesn't really matter quite as much how else you present yourself a lot of the time. Sometimes you have to be prepared to assert yourself as knowledgable or your opinion as informed. If you can demonstrate your knowledge or skill, it makes it harder for the people who have underestimated you to continue to do so. And you don't need to be charismatic or sing your own praises or dominate a conversation in order to flaunt yourself.

You could also find some ways of interacting that level the playing field a bit. Zoom limits what people see (and you can limit that further by turning off your camera) so they can't pre-judge. Sending an email to express an idea or concern in the workplace rather than trying to address it face to face if you find i

Maybe our followers have ideas for things that work for them.

See, most of the time I don't really empathize with things, it's like I really couldn't give a flying fuck about them(although I obviously am compassionate)

Thing is, I ALSO literally CRY because of good/pretty things that happen not only to me, but with my friends too, so, sometimes they'll tell me something super silly that happened to them and i start crying out of joy for them??And i don't know, this also happens when I see something I'm super interested in, so, I'll cry when I see a cute drawing of something I like or when i see an actress i think is really pretty, especially if its gay representation???I always thought all of that was weird because, well, tearing up while two characters are making out is weird and, you know, I could never understand how most of the time my friends tell me stuff, especially bad, and I cant feel anything, but then I also do THAT

does anybody go through this???WHAT is this??? am I just bad at emotions???

Yes, I completely get this (although I don't experience things exactly the same as you - I don't get as emotional or cry over things, and rarely (if ever?) feel the things that someone else is feeling). But whilst I tend towards low empathy, I am definitely more empathetic/sensitive in some situations and very much not sensitive or empathetic in others. I think that a lot of people probably do experience being both sensitive in some respects and insensitive (or unsensitive) in others, but this might be more extreme in autistic people (or more 'odd' in how we experience and express it compared to our peers).

But even being 'insensitive' or 'unsensitive' in some situations doesn't mean that we are actually uncaring or cruel, however it might appear that way to some people. I think it can depend on the catalyst for the emotion, and what your brain can automatically connect emotion to.

What I mean by this is that if the catalyst is 'too big', or sudden, it's harder to process. So there might be less of an emotional reaction. Even to things that automatically seem to trigger strong emotion in other people.

It might also be a social/emotional imagination issue. Lots of people, without having directly experienced something similar to someone else, might have an automatic reaction. They can automatically fear that thing happening to them, or feel some kind of joy at the thought of experiencing something like that. But I tend to find it hard to react to something if I can't imagine it happening to me, and having to imagine something takes me more time because it's not an automatic process like it seems to be for lots of other people. So I'm unlikely to react 'correctly' in the moment.

And perhaps it can also be impacted by 'big picture' thinking vs 'focusing on the details'. Or bottom up/top down thinking. I tend to need to gather lots of details in order to build up an idea of the bigger picture, whereas most other people might have a general idea first before they focus on/worry about the details.

Perhaps for people with alexithymia it might also mean difficulty understanding how someone else feels or how you would feel in that situation (or how you do feel about something on hearing about it).

Autistic brains often process things differently. So I tend to think of it more as a processing issue, in which sometimes the processing is delayed or hindered because of various factors, and sometimes processing is quicker and perhaps even more intuitive. And one person might experience both kinds of processing, but in different circumstances (and in ways that might be at odds with their peers). And sometimes connections occur more naturally than others (some people connect more with children or with older people than their peers, some people connect more naturally with animals than with people).

As an example (mention of animal illness and death):

When my dog was diagnosed with an illness, the vet never specified that it was terminal. She was very regretful, trying to express how sorry she was to be giving us such terrible news, but she never explained the details about prognosis, life expectancy, potential treatments and success rates. My mum automatically reacted like it was the end of the line and that we were going to have to say goodbye imminently. Everyone else who was told also immediately reacted in the same regretful, sorrowful way, as if it was just a given that it was terminal and untreatable. Whereas I felt nothing at all towards the initial news, and didn't react at all negatively towards it. My dog was my best friend and meant the absolute world to me. And I think that, for me, the news wasn't really meaningful, because the diagnosis was a very broad illness - there are lots of types, with different treatment options and survival rates, so the news itself didn't mean anything. I needed details to be able to really process the news and to be able to make decisions about how to proceed.

I suppose it's like in Inside Out with Riley's core memory island things. Everyone else seemed to automatically connect his diagnosis to an island - they already had a fully formed 'big picture' notion of what it meant. Whereas I couldn't connect it to anything, because that 'island' was under construction in my mind. I couldn't just immediately connect to this generalised idea that everyone else seemed able to automatically form, there were too many unknowns that I needed very specific information for. I needed to collect all the information to be able to construct my island and then to be able to feel/react accordingly.

Whereas, there are other situations where we are given more information to help us connect emotionally. In films, TV shows, even adverts, there'll be music to help evoke emotion, and it will focus on the things it needs us to know in order to understand the story. In books we might be given some back story or shown something important about the character, so that we connect with them and care about what happens to them. Even if it's only a short amount of time, we're given some time or information to help develop our understanding of what's happening, our connection to the people involved, and to process. So someone might cry at a film but be less emotional in real life, or be emotionally invested in the relationship between two characters and not have that same investment in their friend's relationship.

Or there might be some situations we might already have enough pieces of the puzzle to have constructed the 'island' that we need to connect to in order to have an emotional reaction that's supposedly appropriate to the situation. So if something someone has experienced that was significant to them happens to someone else (or something similar) they might be better able to connect and empathise based on their own experience.

I think there's often this idea that having too much empathy is better than having low empathy, but having low empathy doesn't mean lacking compassion or being unkind or cruel. Or that low empathy means you lack any empathy at all. And there can be positives. For me: I'm less likely to react to rage bait or be manipulated by fake charities because I am unlikely to have an automatic emotional reaction to things I see or am told. Needing time to process and understand how I feel means that I'm also more likely to verify information before reacting to it. It also means I'm less likely to be emotionally manipulated, because I need to 'build the island' and because that takes time I'm more likely to gather additional information and have thought enough about it to recognise if something seems 'off' or questionable.

Here are a couple of posts that might be useful, and you could also browse through our relationships tag.

Of course, it is normal to feel some level of negativity (and potentially even some distress) when experiencing rejection or criticism, but for people who experience RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) those feelings will basically be very disproportionate - extreme distress to perceived rejection/criticism that aren't that significant and that other people are largely better able to cope with.

This can occur even if it's fairly minor issue being mentioned (and when it's not even direct criticism), like someone reminding you to pick up your clothes after showering or asking if you left the light or fan on all day (because that is then perceived as a 'failing' and causes shame and anger).

And yes, it can feel like that (some people might cry or feel like they want to, or might feel angry and resentful towards the person who is criticising them or who has caused them to feel rejected).

Often RSD means that people will avoid situations that might result in rejection or criticism. Like not asking someone for a simple favour because if they say no it will make you feel inordinately embarrassed, anxious and rejected, or even actively trying to avoid any comments that might elicit that same shame/negative feeling. [As an example, I often experience a lot of quite intense shame if my girlfriend makes a jokey comment about a delivery - like, 'Let me guess, another book?' as she hands me the package, or recently I couldn't decide what kind of ice pack to buy when she mentioned we needed a couple extra, so ended up buying two kinds and then hid one set to avoid any comments until both sets had arrived and I could explain it in my own time and on my own terms. My girlfriend is understanding, she's never cruel or mean, but I still got very anxious and needed some time before I could 'admit' what I'd done. As if buying ice packs for us both to use (with my own money) was something terrible! Similarly, if she reminds me about something like picking up my clothes after I shower, or asks if the fan in the bedroom was left on all day while we were both at work (if I forgot to turn it off before leaving the room) I feel intense shame and can get quite angry and snappy, and often need a bit of time to process and rationalise that I am reacting because of RSD rather than because of criticism, that we both forget to do things sometimes, and it's not shameful or terrible.]

Regardless of whether someone does experience RSD or not, if the person is being cruel or unfair, even if they don't intend to be, it might be reasonable to feel extremely upset after a negative interaction. I feel it's worth mentioning this because it can sometimes be easy to blame or pathologise ourselves instead of holding other people accountable where criticism or rejection might actually be unfair, might have been delivered in a cruel, thoughtless or even inappropriate way, or might have been 'overdelivered'. For example, being told that you got something wrong might be tolerable, but having someone go on about it for 20 minutes might not (and might not be necessary to make the point), or where it might be appropriate in a workplace for a line manager to offer some constructive criticism in private, it might not be appropriate (or tolerable) if they criticise you in public.

It is also possible to learn ways to cope. Both parties in a discussion being aware of RSD and mindful of that can help ease it somewhat (because you can at least understand what's happening and reassure yourself/each other). Having structured time to listen and time to respond can also help (giving yourself time to process the information and, where necessary, respond). For example, if someone has to say something critical or make a suggestion that you find difficult to cope with, being able to go away and consider what's been said, discuss it with a trusted person, and construct a reasonable response can be preferable to feeling very on the spot and reacting emotionally (or going away and ruminating). Where criticism is constructive, it might feel bad sometimes to receive it, but it can feel positive later if you have been able to utilise it and recognise an improvement and focusing on that can also help (or alleviate some of the negative feeling later). Being in situations where you've received constructive criticism well or have trusted people who you can have discussions with and receive feedback from in mindful, kind ways, and can actually utilise it to improve things can also feel good afterwards, and can help with developing some resilience/more reliable coping mechanisms.

For people who struggle to ask for favours or for help, it can help to ask via a method there's less pressure (so instead of asking face to face and having to cope with being told no in real time (and having to potentially respond whilst having an emotional reaction) texting or emailing to ask, instead. Or even having someone else ask on your behalf (if I know I will struggle with being told no, I might ask my partner to ask someone for me). It might also help to try to reframe requests as being from or for someone else (I sometimes find it easier to ask someone to do something if it feels like it's on someone else's behalf - so asking my brother to help with something that is actually for both myself and my partner feels less pressure and I feel less like I'm being rejected if I've mentally reframed it as something she wants help with, so I am asking solely or mostly on my partner's behalf; for example, we needed help moving some furniture around which is for both of us because the furniture belongs to both of us and it was in our (shared) bedroom, but by focusing on the fact she was the driving force behind wanting to get new furniture and thus needing to move things around, and because I have physical limitations at the moment due to nerve damage in my spine and it would mostly be them having to do the physical stuff, I could ask for the help on her behalf and avoid feeling I was directly risking rejection).

What do you mean by 'comfort character'?

My first thought was that if it's a real person then they wouldn't be a comfort character, but perhaps I'm being too literal?

Perhaps you mean a real life person who you either don't know in real life, or don't actually interact with on a meaningful level (and so by 'character' you mean your idea of them is based on the characters they play, a stage persona, a professional persona, or you imagine how you'd like them to be, or have idealised them based on seeing them in certain situations, perhaps?).

I actually think that regardless of which the case it, this is probably pretty common, though. Most people have characters they relate to or find comforting and might wish that this person really existed and that they could have a relationship with them (whether that's a romantic relationship, a parental one, or a friendship). And it's extremely common for people to ascribe traits to real life people they don't actually know personally (actors, band members, etc) and to either iamgine that that person is the character they play (so actors who play villains might get abused in the street, the weatherman might get angry emails because people blame the weather on them instead of recognising they just report the conditions), or people imagine that person how they want them to be. Whether it's someone famous, or someone who works in a local shop, or a teacher or colleague or manager you've idealised and fictionalised in some way.

So no, it's not really weird.

But it's worth being careful, and being aware of the fact that you've fictionalised a real person, and have ultimately created a character with their face (and name, presumably) rather than that this person is actually someone you relate to or that has the traits you admire in them. You can't expect them to always live up to your expectations if you've made up your expectations (even if you've based your ideal on seeing them in interviews or reading other people's descriptions of them).

It's probably also worth being careful that you don't engage in behaviours that might make someone uncomfortable. For example, writing your own fiction that includes someone you know in real life without their permission and without differentiating the character from them enough - if they came across it and it was obviously them. it might be quite uncomfortable for them, and might embarrass them if other people come across it. Or becoming overly personal with that person because you feel like you know them (when you don't).

Does it, though?

It still comes down to the issue of whether your needs are being met, surely? Does having this imaginary average person to consider all the time actually help you to overcome your difficulties? Or does it just put you off feeling like you should have support? Because, sure, to an extent someone might learn to cope with an aspect of their disability. Someone might be able to push through some things, or sometimes. Someone might be able to find ways to mitigate a difficulty to avoid asking for external support. And some people can mask various difficulties enough that they can at least seem to be coping.

But the fact you seem to want/need to stop trying to live up to an imagined 'average' suggests it isn't working.

(Striving to be neurotypical won't make an autistic person neurotypical. And although resilience and challenging yourself can be positive things... unmet needs when it's things that really do require support/accommodating can cause burnout, which can cause damage and make difficulties worse.)

If you are recognising that you need to be able to access support (because you aren't this hypothetical 'average' person), and your struggling to challenge this enough to overcome it yourself, then it might even be worthwhile looking into options for therapy to have some professional support in dealing with your internalised ableism?

If that's not an option, you might need to try actively correcting yourself when you start to think like this or try to guess what someone should be able to cope with. Maybe even try asking for some support despite your discomfort, and remind yourself that your thought processes are based on internalised ableism and not on your actual worth as a person or how deserving you are of support.

And/or try to imagine (or use real life examples, if you have any) a range of individuals with different needs. Or a range of disabilities to see whether you apply the same thinking to their needs as your own. Should they all try to match your hypothetical average person? Keep practising challenging your thinking in this way.

If your hypothetical average person had an accident and became temporarily or permanently disabled, should they have the same level of support you currently imagine them to need, or would it be okay for them to have more? What if they developed your difficulties? Or other difficulties associated with autism? If they received some kind of ear injury and became sensitive to sound, would it be okay for them to ask for reasonable adjustments to cope with noisy environments? If they had a brain injury and struggled to communicate as they previously had, should they go without communication support in hopes they'll be motivated to improve?

I expect that if you imagine this imaginary person experiencing some injury or illness, you'd probably be quite kind towards them, and recognise that they now have different needs to before and that they deserve to have support.