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@ask-an-aro
do u have a bf
it’s a dream of mine to have a beautiful farm

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A few of us have decided to put together a website similar to AVEN for aromantic advocacy and resources. We need an organization name.
We are in our semi-final voting round!
This survey will be open for one week (until April 29th, 12:00am EST). After that, we’ll put our top 3-4 terms in a final survey.
Spread this if you can, and thank you to everyone who has participated so far. Your responses have been extremely helpful. :)
Edit: The survey should be properly open now! Sorry for the first few hours when it didn’t work properly; it has since been fixed.
So it’s all in one place, here is a link to our fundraising pool for the website.
We reached our first goal for opening a basic account with a unique domain, more private hosting, and some great site-building features. We’ve stretched our goal to now include the possibility of one year of business-level website features so we’re quite excited.
If you have any general questions, you can contact any of our team members.
If you have questions specific to this Paypal pool or about payment options/fund security/etc., contact me.
Our core team members for this website include:
- Tost (from @arospecinitiative) - Magni (@aromagni, who you may also know as a casual Mod on @aromantic-official) - Ramen (on Arocalypse forums and member of various aro communities online) - Sea (@aroacepagans) - Scoop (on Arocalypse forums and member of various aro communities online) - Me! We also have a few consultants and intend to slowly grow our team after the website goes live.
Website Info
Our website intends to be an official space for aros who can be contacted by media outlets to talk about everything related to our community. Essentially, a resource for all things aro. We will be including:
- intro to aromanticism - FAQ - term glossary - pamphlets/resources - news and aro-related events - media contact (for interviews, guidance, etc.) - volunteer contact (for those who want to volunteer with us)
We’re also thinking of adding the following once the site is live:
- ongoing surveys/research information - tracking aro-related fiction/art/media
I’m hosting the carnival of aros this month! The Carnival of Aros is a blogging festival centered around aromanticism. For more informatio
Hey so I’m hosting the carnival of aros this month!
(all the info on my wordpress will be in this post so don’t worry if you can’t access the link)
The topic I’ve chosen is: Coming Out/Being Out As Arospec.
(Please note the term arospec does include the identity aromantic.)
Here are some more specific suggestions for what to write about:
–Differences between coming out/being out as arospec and other orientations. E.g. is it more difficult to come out as arospec than a more well known orientation?
–Coming out stories
–What it’s like to be out/not out as arospec
–What it’s like to come out/ be out as just arospec (especially if you don’t use the SAM)
–What it’s like to come out/ be out as more than one lgbtqia+ identity
–Any other thoughts related to coming out, being out, or not being out as arospec
To submit send me a link to your submission in an ask/message or email me at [email protected] anytime before the 1st of May 2019.
If you’d like to remain anonymous (or don’t have an account to post your submission to) let me know in your message/email and I’ll post it on my wordpress.
I will respond to submissions I receive so if you haven’t heard from me in a couple of days please email me or message me on my tumblr to check I haven’t missed it. Thank you :)
April is coming to an end here's a reminder that this is happening! Jsyk responses don't have to be long, edited posts - if you have any thoughts on the topic I'd love to here your perspective!
To all the anons who've sent me asks - I'm sorry I haven't gotten to them yet but I will respond to all of them soon!
Aromantic got added to the dictionary!
Which one..?
Merriam-Webster
A screenshot of the Merriam-Webster web page with the definition for “aromantic” displayed: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/aromantic

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[Image description: a text message reading: "The best part of the ace/aro community is that a questioning person will ask what romantic/sexual attraction is and none of them know an it reminds me a lot of the early renaissance when people were like 'so what ARE birds' and scientists were like 'ahsgsg you guess is as good as mine but I think they have seven stomachs'" End Description.]
I’ve noticed a refreshing of an old tendency for asexual bloggers to make posts concerning the aromantic community and allyship: I don’t know much about allo-aro issues, so please message me with corrections or anything you want me to know about. It used to exist more commonly with asexuals regarding the aro-spec community; now I even see it with aro-aces in the aro-spec community regarding allo-aros.
I know it’s well-meant: you’re signalling both your wish to learn and an indication that you’re not going to harm or harass allo-aros and non-asexual aro-specs who do offer up corrections or explanations. That’s a good thing. But I also have a problem with this shape of activism that I’d like the people offering it to keep in mind, because it absolutely cannot be the first or last step of your allyhood.
When you’re telling me to message you, as an allo-aro, you’re putting the burden of all the emotional and physical labour of educating you on the backs of allo-aros. Because that’s mostly what I hear: come talk to us. Come tell me what you want. Come message me with your concerns. I have asexuals, well-meaning, who have done this to me: come talk to me. Come tell us in messages and emails what we can do better.
I have two blogs packed full of aro-spec content and conversations, one specific to allo-aros and the other tagged so any aro-spec can find the content applicable to their identities and experiences. Most of the ace community folk who want me to talk to them about how to make their communities more inclusive of aromantics and allo-aros both don’t follow my blogs. They don’t reblog my posts to their ace and a-spec blogs, even when I’ve almost always written posts about the things they say they want to know, unless I’m directly addressing them. Instead, they want my pain, my frustration and my knowledge conveniently repackaged in a form that means a minimum of work from them. They want my activism, content that often already exists, delivered to them, neatly and easily, without realising that this ask of sending educational content right into their inbox is … well, a hell of a lot of unpaid labour.
A lot of this content already exists on my blogs. Yet they want me to do all the work of reaching out to them, shaping my information for their needs. A shape that lets them avoid posts where I’m not trying too hard to be polite, long reblog chains, posts scrambled between art and fandom pieces, depictions of allo-aro experience in fiction. A form that doesn’t require actually putting your own time and effort into discovery and learning.
And if I don’t do all this? It’s my fault, then, they haven’t made changes, because I’m not doing the labour of sending emails and private messages to move this along. I’m not doing the labour of making my activism easy to find and easy to interpret. Their ignorance and the lack of change made in a-spec spaces is my fault, despite the fact that I have spoken at length on community, connection, identity, experience and inclusion.
(And as a physically, mentally and neurodevelopmentally disabled allo-aro, it’s so distressing and demoralising to feel as though all the content I’m already putting out there won’t make a difference!)
We need people to be receptive to correction and conversation. I am absolutely here for allo-aros making educational content that’s easier for allies to find and interact with. But the onus should be on allies to first educate themselves as far as they can. There is almost always more content extant on the internet than people believe available, and if you’re engaged enough with the a-spec community that you’re making these ally posts on an a-spec-themed blog, you likely know that tags like #alloaro do exist. Why not take a look?
A request like the above–come into my inbox and let me know about your needs and experiences–must always come with some sense that the asker has put some work into first educating themself. I don’t want to see anyone making such a post concerning their allyhood to allo-aros without having first accomplished the below:
Reading through known allo-aro blogs to see what we’ve written about
Reblogging allo-aro centric posts, including rants, creativity and fiction, discussion posts, community posts and expression posts
I’ll rephrase that slightly: reblogging more than just allo-aro positivity, pride and visual media posts
Regularly reading through the #alloaro tag
Signal boosting allo-aro bloggers and content creators, especially the ones who do take the time to come into your inbox or respond to your posts with corrections or additions
Not avoiding the reblogging/promotion of content by allo-aros that doesn’t speak glowingly of the asexual or even aromantic communities
Not avoiding content that centers sexual attraction (and if you’re not sex repulsed, sexual experiences) as shaped by aromanticism
I’ll also rephrase those slightly: you need a willingness to engage with content that you don’t personally connect with
Opening your inbox, where people can educate you directly, is the easiest possible way for you to be an ally and the hardest possible way for me to make an ally of you. If you’re serious about supporting us, this welcoming us into your inbox needs to be supplementary to other acts of allyhood, and we need you to be visible about your allo-aro support and activism.
Yes, I know that allo-aro content isn’t always the easiest thing to find. It may require a fair bit of work on your part. But if you’re asking for my labour in order to help you be a better ally, and even offering up a correction is unpaid labour on my part, I don’t think it’s unfair of me to expect you to put in some of the work yourself.
It’s OK if all the information on various a-spec identities is overwhelming to you. It’s OK if you have to take things slow and takes you a while to figure things out. It’s OK if you only focus on the information that you feel applies to you. It’s OK if you opt to just call yourself a-spec (or ace-spec or aro-spec) instead of dealing with sorting it all out.
The aro community is the most openly welcoming, diverse and friendly community ive ever been a part of and I just wanna say that y'all are great. though we’ve had our internal issues, the sheer level of hotheaded, passionate inclusively in this community brings tears to my eyes. Is this what a community means? To love people you don’t know? To feel… connected, like family? To feel respected?
I wish each and every one of you a wonderful day and a good night’s sleep
Alright so the survey on aro community needs from this post got 30 responses, and with it all being long form I don’t expect to get many more.
So what I’m going to do is give summaries of common themes and answers above the cut for people who don’t want to read through a bunch of text, and then I’m going to put individual answers under the cut for folks who are interested. Please note that these are all anonymous survey answers, and they do not necessarily reflect my opinions. I encourage people to have/start discussions around the topics brought up here so that we can work towards having a mutually fulfilling and cohesive community.Â
Summary:Â
 What are the community needs of alloaros?
More recognition and visibility both within and outside of the aspec community, aro specific spaces where no one will assume that they’re ace and where they don’t have to be bombarded by ace content, safe spaces to talk about their experiences with sexual attraction, and a wider community acknowledgment that ace and aro don’t mean the same thing.Â
What are the community needs of aroaces?
Separate aroace spaces, space and language that allows them to express the interconnectedness of their aro and ace identities, a recognition of the diversity of aroace experiences including the experiences of oriented aroaces and aro leaning aroaces, spaces devoid of both sex and romance, and less infighting between the aro and ace communities.Â
What are the community needs of non-SAM aros?
New language that doesn’t enforce the use of SAM as a norm and that doesn’t enforce a SAM/ non-SAM binary, more recognition of aromantic as one whole identity, more inclusion of their identity within aro spaces, and having the ability to label themselves as aro without being asked what their other identity is .Â
What are the community needs of greyro/ aro-spec folks?
Specific spaces where they can talk about aromantic attraction, more recognition and visibility both within and outside of the aspec community, more greyro/aro-spec specific resources and content, and a larger platform within the aspec community to discuss their experiences. Â
What are the shared needs of these different subgroups within the aro and arospec community?
Increased visibility, spaces free from amatonormativity, safe and unbiased shared spaces for all members of the aro/aro-spec community, separation and distinction from alloaces, more in-person spaces, and a building of understanding and acceptance between the different community subgroups. Â
How do we meet all of these needs within an online space?
Better and more formalized tagging systems, creating more forums, chats, tags, etc, that are specific to different aro and arospec subgroups, creating more variety in online aro spaces generally, giving online spaces and platforms to all aro subgroups, and having open and polite community discussion about our needs within online aro spaces.Â
How do we meet all of these needs within an in-person space?
Use inclusive language, allow for smaller sub-communities within larger aro and aspec groups, provide resources for small, lesser known identities both within groups and at pride, push for more aro inclusion in wider queer spaces and create safe and respectful discussion spaces where everyone can voice their needs Â
How do we reconcile conflicting needs?
Civil and open discussions, try to find solutions instead of just arguing, and create separate spaces for subgroups when needed while continuing to maintain larger general spaces for discuison and community building.Â
Keep reading

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I’m hosting the carnival of aros this month! The Carnival of Aros is a blogging festival centered around aromanticism. For more informatio
Hey so I'm hosting the carnival of aros this month!
(all the info on my wordpress will be in this post so don't worry if you can't access the link)
The topic I’ve chosen is: Coming Out/Being Out As Arospec.
(Please note the term arospec does include the identity aromantic.)
Here are some more specific suggestions for what to write about:
--Differences between coming out/being out as arospec and other orientations. E.g. is it more difficult to come out as arospec than a more well known orientation?
--Coming out stories
--What it’s like to be out/not out as arospec
--What it’s like to come out/ be out as just arospec (especially if you don’t use the SAM)
--What it’s like to come out/ be out as more than one lgbtqia+ identity
--Any other thoughts related to coming out, being out, or not being out as arospec
To submit send me a link to your submission in an ask/message or email me at [email protected] anytime before the 1st of May 2019.
If you’d like to remain anonymous (or don’t have an account to post your submission to) let me know in your message/email and I’ll post it on my wordpress.
I will respond to submissions I receive so if you haven’t heard from me in a couple of days please email me or message me on my tumblr to check I haven’t missed it. Thank you :)
Discussion Topic 3
Do you prioritise your either your arospec identity or your allosexual identity, or see them as equally important? Why?
I prioritize my aro identity because my allosexual identity only matters if I get into a friends-with-benifits situation
me, experiencing Feelings at someone: hmm… perhaps i am not aro and the people telling me i’d find someone have been right all along
me, imagining having an Actual romantic interaction with that person: haha nope
Aroace People: I would like a life-partner to love and care for deeply even though I don’t experience attraction. I may or may not wish to live with them permanently, to legally marry them, to adopt a child with them, to put them in my will, to assume major debts like housing and education together, and to overall align our lives to one another so that they occupy a place in my life which no other person does. If I’m not romance/sex-repulsed and feel comfortable doing so, I may even engage in some romantic or sexual behaviors with them to fulfill their desires.
Random Allo Person:
[Image Description: Photograph of man on stage captioned saying: "Oh, you mean like having friends?" End Description.]
Hey I haven’t really been active for a couple of days - I apologise! I’ve had some stuff to deal with irl. I will (barring further incident) be updating the queue tomorrow and be back from then on. Thank you for everything, followers 💚💚💚
Haha nvm I really am back now

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Hey I haven't really been active for a couple of days - I apologise! I've had some stuff to deal with irl. I will (barring further incident) be updating the queue tomorrow and be back from then on. Thank you for everything, followers đź’šđź’šđź’š
Hey, I wanted to post sort of my Official Stance™ on this ridiculous new allo aro discourse. After talking it out with a few lovely aroace friends of mine, I’ve come to realize that a lot of the problems are a result of miscommunication. I am directing this post at aroaces with the hopes of helping to clear up confusion and hurt feelings. This may include topics that are sensitive to you. Rest assured that I mean no ill will, and if you want to help stop community infighting, I really recommend you try to read this. Please try to set aside your emotions and listen. I will do my part to try not to speak in anger.
As an allo aro who has kinda been at the forefront of this whole shebang, I’m going to try to break it down as simply as I can, from what I understand. In a nutshell:
Allo aros often feel excluded and pushed to the edges of the community, because of the fact that the aro community sort of grew from the ace community and has yet to pass that “baby’s first steps outside” phase. Aro is often taken to mean aroace by default, aro representation as a whole is often conflated with aroace representation, and many aro events- although it is important to recognize our shared history with the ace community- cling to this too much, making them aroace events first, aro events second, despite disclaimers that allo aros are welcome too.
This obviously is not terribly inclusive towards us, especially those of us who may have been personally hurt by the ace community.
Many allo aros are particularly upset that the Carnival of Aros, a big event meant to be for the whole aro community, started off with a theme about relations between the aro community and the ace community. Once again this puts aroaces in the spotlight, and made many of us allo aros who have been hurt by the ace community feel very shut out, as we don’t feel comfortable being honest about our opinions on the matter. When this caused obvious backlash, TAAAP, the organizers of the carnival, primarily responded not with “You’re right, we messed up, and we’re sorry. We’ll try to do better in the future,” but with justifications as to why they felt it was ok to hurt us. And, often, when we say this isn’t good enough, supporters of the carnival take this as an excuse to tell us we have no right to complain. (I’ve also been told that apparently, this issue was predicted and brought up to the organizers before the event even started, and they basically elected to ignore that critique, so… 🤔 But that’s a story for another day.)
Essentially, what most allo aros want right now is just more representation and acknowledgement. Many of us have begun calling for a separation of the aro community from the ace community- Meaning, we want the aro community to truly be the aro community first, aro-(insert sexual orientation here) community second, with no specific group getting more focus or prioritization over others. We just want to stop being considered second class aros.
However, many aroaces seem to be taking this to mean that:
We hate all aces. (That’d be like saying every time we complain about allos, that we hate all alloromantics. Not true!)
We hate you, specifically, as an individual.
We want to completely excommunicate asexuals, and make it so that nobody can ever talk about being ace in the aro community.
We want to separate from the aro community because we hate aroaces, or we want to kick aroaces out of the community (see previous points).
None of these things are true! All we want is equal prioritization. Saying that we want to exclude aroaces by calling for a separation from the ace community is like saying that separation of church and state means no government officials can ever have religions, or talk about those religions. Believe me when I say: the last thing we want to do is divide the aro community. It’s small enough as it is. We’re the ones upset about being excluded, it’d hardly make sense to react to this with a decision to exclude others instead.
However, because this is the way many aroaces are interpreting our discussions, it’s led to some painful backlash against us. We are often told that we’re being unfair to aroaces, that we’re dividing the community, hurting others, etc., or worse- that we owe the ace community, that we would be nowhere without them, that we should be thanking all aroaces for our very existence. That we owe the ace community, the community that has hurt many of us, a tangible debt. It’s basically become impossible to talk about allo aro issues without someone coming along to say, “Not all aces, you bigots!”Â
Because of the way aroaces often respond to our discussions, many of us feel silenced. We feel that it’s not ok for us to talk about our feelings or our needs as a community with other aros, be it because of a simple “aroaces will get mad about it”, or either due to genuine guilt because, yes, believe it or not we do care about our aroace friends and we genuinely don’t want to hurt anyone. This feeling of not being able to talk freely has led to discussion of creating separate allo aro spaces where we can do so, but this is a problem because a. talking among ourselves about problems we face in the greater community will do no good, we need aroaces to listen, and b. this often results in us being told we’re dividing the community, which loops right back around to start the whole process over again.
Whether intentional or not, aroaces have always been at the forefront of the aro community. You have the loudest voices. This is not at all to say that aroaces are privileged! We both face different issues, but they’re all very real and very unfortunate, and we should be working together to help each other solve them. However, many of the most influential aro blogs are run by aroace bloggers, and that’s… Not good when those bloggers decide to paint us as the villains. Even if you say you support allo aros as well, think about what kind of message it puts out when you talk about this issue as if we’re the root of all evil, the ones (gasp) dividing the community, the ones who are demanding too much, the ones who are somehow forcing people to choose between one community or the other. Allo aros are a very lost group as it is, being unable to turn to alloromantic communities or the asexual community for support; Seeing prominent aro bloggers talk about us in a way that gives the impression that we’re bad for talking about our feelings does not make us feel welcome. I personally feel like I can’t trust many aroace bloggers anymore, including a few of my friends. (If you’ve spoken to me directly about this issue and talked about it in depth, it’s not you. If you haven’t… Yes, it may be you. I’m sorry.)
Please, please slow down and listen to us. Please be mindful of the things you say publicly, and the power some of you hold as influential aro bloggers. I promise you none of us have anything against you, and none of us want to divide this community. We just want our voices to be heard. It’s time for influential aroaces to start making amends for the hurt they’ve caused us, even if that hurt has not been intentional.
As one last note, I will say this: It’s absolutely understandable to be upset by this discourse. It’s ok to be hurt. Nobody can control their feelings. But I think it’s important for aroaces to reflect on why they feel hurt. Why is it that, when we say “Your community has hurt us, we wish it would stop,” this upsets you? Why is your reaction not “I’m sorry; What can I do to help?”, but rather, “Oh yeah, well YOU’RE hurting ME by saying that, so you shouldn’t talk anymore!”? Your hurt is real and important, but I think it could help to identify where that hurt is actually coming from. Reflect on what, specifically, you are feeling, and try to separate that feeling from what’s actually going on.