Itās great that youāre doing this, it really is! Iām also very glad that youāve reached out to people, because itās important that allo-aros get a look-in here.
But the thing I notice is that ⦠well, everything on the list above is about focusing on and including the aro generally. Itās equally applicable for allo-aros as it is aro-aces. It reads like a general list of things needed to benefit all aro-specs, and while thatās a good start and will make your community better for us, it canāt be the finishing point.
Allo-aro equity (equity for any sub-community under the aromantic umbrella) canāt be predicated on treating aro as though all our aro-spec experiences are the same.
If you want allo-aros to be truly included, you have to make space for the allosexual part of allo-aro, tooāsomething at which even the aro-spec community, right now, isnāt doing a great job (and the a-spec community is ignoring). I already feel that to particulate in aro-spec spaces, I need to push the allosexual part of me asideāto focus on the aro and keep sexual attraction shoved to the background, as though it should naturally be less important to me as an a-spec person than the aro. The truth is that my allosexual identities are just as connected to my aromanticism, and I find this artificial separation imposed on me frustrating and alienating.
So Iām going to go a little beyond the scope of your question and tell you what I want to see for specific allo-aro inclusion in a-spec spaces:
- Spaces that allow for detailed conversations about sexual attraction as it is shaped by aromanticism and aro-spec identities/experiences. This means both spaces where allo-aros can talk amongst ourselves and spaces where we can talk to ace audiences about our experiences, because right now few aces outside aro-spec spaces are listening to us and we need to do something about that.
- The understanding that sexual attraction spaces do not allow space for us to talk about our attraction as shaped by aromanticismāwe need that space in a-spec communities because we do not have it anywhere else.
- The understanding that due to stereotypes around aromanticism and societyās rampant amatonormativity, allo-aros are often denied the chance to truly explore and discuss the casual sexual relationships and experiences we may wish to have.
- Allo-aro only spaces, conversations and meet-up opportunities (preferably run by an allo-aro). If itās difficult for aromantics to find other aromantics in real life, itās all but impossible for allo-aros to find other allo-aros. I know your group may not be anywhere near big enough for this yet, but should you get to that point, keep this in mind as something important to foster and create. As a disabled allo-aro who finds online networking difficult, Iād love the chance for local meet-ups with other allo-aros.
- Spaces where allo-aros can speak freely about having and experiencing sexual attraction and sexual relationships while also knowing when it is and isnāt appropriate to do so. You may need to do some work on how to safely go about this for sex-respulsed aces (but this practice of advising needs to be in place for alloromantic aces conversing around romance-repulsed aro-specs, too). Where do people need to be more circumspect? Where can people speak freely? Make sure that, for every space where sexual attraction canāt be focused on for the needs of sex-respulsed folks, thereās a space where it can be. Have clear conversations on what can be discussed, where and when it can be discussed, and where else it can be discussed if not in this place and at that time.
(You donāt want sex-repulsed asexuals feeling alienated/uncomfortable if the conversation heads towards experiencing sexual attraction, but you also donāt want allo-aros feeling that theyāre both causing someone else discomfort and arenāt allowed to talk about our own experiences because of the asexuals in the roomāand we already feel like weāre not allowed to talk on this subject! Be really clear on what can be talked about when, and if someone objects to discussions about sexual attraction in a space meant for this because of sex repulsion, enforce the right for this space to be about that conversation.)
- The active challenging of sex-negative and sex-antagonistic language in a space that allows for acceptance and exploration of relationship anarchy. This benefits everyone, but itās important for many allo-aros.
- Relating to the above, the active challenging of language that assumes humans only pair up with one other human at any given time in an exclusive monogamous relationship. A fair number of allo-aros are also polyamorous, polyaffectionate or necessarily possessing multiple intimate partners for different types of relationships.
- The active challenging of the idea that queerplatonic as a description of a relationship cannot include sexual relationships. When the aro-spec community spends so much time on QPPs and QPRs, to treat these as non-sexual closes allo-aros out of a central concept in the community. Make sure that allo-aros in sexual QPRs are able to participate in conversations about QPRs without having their relationships invalidated.
- Making sure that asexuals do not treat allo-aros as predatory for experiencing sexual attraction. I know of circumstances where allo-aros werenāt invited to a-spec events for fear weād hit on asexual attendees. If this is ever so much as hinted at, allo-aros need to see this directly and publicly acknowledged, corrected and responded to by community leaders. It canāt be discussed quietly; we need to know that the leaders of our community will not allow this.
(Weāre not attending a-spec community spaces with the goal of finding a fuck buddy. Weāre just not. The reality is that weāre terrified of being thought this when we only want to talk to other aro-specs about being aro! Not to mention that if this were in any way a valid concern, all aro-specs should fear being around alloromantic aces for the potential of their making romantic overturesā¦)
- Providing information about the specific shapes of erasure, antagonism and amatonormativity faced by allo-aros in addition to that of aro-specs generally.
- Having allo-aro-specific handouts and pamphlets in addition to general aro ones. Linking to allo-aro blogs, posts, spaces and creative media pieces on your website so thereās allo-aro-specific information alongside aro-ace-specific and general-aro information. Donāt make āallo-aroā as a couple of paragraphs at the bottom of a general aro leaflet; make it its own thing with its own information and resources, even if itās a smaller document.
(Would folks here be interested in creating an informative allo-aro zine as a community project, something all folks can download, print out and hand out, created by allo-aros specifically for to the a-spec community? A zine with short entries on allo-aro experiences, allo-aro creative pieces and information on allo-aro identities, perhaps? Document design and production is my trade, so I see no reason why we canāt make one if folks are interested in contributing content. If folks donāt mind waiting until after AAW, Iāll make a post about starting one. I think a community-created resource that other folks can print out for community events would be a very useful thing.)
- Remembering that aro-aces talking about their aromantic experiences doesnāt, wonāt and canāt completely map onto the aromantic experiences of allo-aros. General aro visibility will make it better for us, absolutely, but while we have a lot in common with aro-aces, we also have different needs and experiences.
- If you donāt yet have out allo-aros in your community, have some aro-aces take the time to read allo-aro blog posts in your aromantic-centred conversations so folks can get a better sense of the difference in experiences. This prepares the community space for when allo-aros do join (or people reveal themselves to be allo-aro) so the burden of explaining who we are and what we need isnāt entirely on our shoulders.
- Actively challenge and correct comments and assumptions that not only engage in aromantic erasure but specifically allo-aro erasure, and explain why these comments and assumptions hurt allo-aros. Likewise, if there are a couple of allo-aros in any group, donāt leave it to us to defend ourselves. You shouldnāt speak over us on our own experiences, but youāre more than welcome to explain to someone why referring to all a-specs as āasexualā is a terrible thing. It goes a long way to making us feel supported, especially when chances are high that we will mention things asexuals not connected to the aro-spec community will find confronting or uncomfortable.
- Engage in deliberate and specific outreach to allo-aro-identified folks in ways that increase our visibility. This may mean finding guest speakers until you can find regular community members, for example, or reading out allo-aro-authored pieces if you canāt find a local allo-aro. Signal-boost our works, offer chances for interviews and featured posts on your website, promote the blogs and ko-fi accounts of any allo-aros who work with you. Help make us seen in a-spec spaces. Itās not just good enough to seek out our help and feedback; you absolutely must promote and signal-boost us in response. Actively let the world know that we exist and what it is we do, because a-spec spaces, historically, are not good at this, and weāre desperate to be heard.
(If folks want to use any of my fiction or blog posts in their outreach or community information, be it in print or on your website, message me and tell me what you want to use and how you want to reproduce it. I promise you that if itās on the internet, Iām going to say yes 99% of the time and then link to whatever it is youāre doing with it.)
Lastly, if itās a group for both aces and aros, it absolutely cannot just have the ace flag colours in the header. Nor can it only have the word āaceā in the title. I know that the aro-aces doing this have to negotiate with asexual folks who know very little about the reasons for doing this. I know my aro-ace allies have to deal with unfair difficulty and resistance in making this change, and I am grateful for your efforts here, I am. But any group that is named and branded as asexual alone is not a safe space for allo-aros and changing this must be a priority for anyone who is serious about including us.
Apologies for the post of doom, but itās not something I often see discussed and itās something that really needs discussing.