Allo Aro Worlds

ID in Alt!

Whenever I or any other aroallo person talks about our own identities, someone inevitably chimes in with “as long as everyone’s consenting!”

It’s the exact same argument every time.

“I support gay people, as long as they’re not harassing straight people in locker rooms.”

“I support trans people, as long as they’re not tricking cis people into sex.”

“I support aroallo people, as long as they’re not leading alloromantic people on.”

Why is it always the responsibility of the marginalized person to add a disclaimer that they’re “one of the good ones?” Why do you need to double-check that we know what consent is, every single time? Why is it exclusively the responsibility of the marginalized person to come out to potential sexual partners, instead of expecting the cis/straight/allo person to communicate what they want?

Wdym you like that like the average person does?!

Ofc, no judgement here, you do you

Your claim in lacking judgement is completely undermined by your use of the word "scared". That's a word we use in reference to people who are dangerous. People who have demonstrated themselves to be predatory, cruel, threatening, harmful. It is not a word we should wield against the many aromantics who have done nothing but be.

"Scared" does, though, reflect the pervasive stereotype that allosexual or not-asexual aros are predatory and rapacious because we are not alloromantic. (In other words: only alloromanticism can make our sexuality safe, tame, acceptable.) This stereotype has been used to denigrate and silence us outside of and within a-spec spaces--in online communities, fiction, face-to-face interactions with others.

My sexual attraction doesn't make me dangerous, predatory or deserving of your fear. It just makes me a different kind of aromantic who deserves the same inclusion, and the same baseline presumption of harmlessness and decency, as any other aro.

OP, you need to examine why "scared" describes your feelings about people who are aro in a different way from you. Learn more about aromanticism and allosexual aromanticism, including the way sex negativity intersects with aromantic antagonism. Engage with us as aros who have different, but equally valuable, perspectives.

I hope this is a thoughtless "foot in mouth" situation from a community newcomer rather than rampant allosexual aro antagonism--but for the sake of every allosexual aro scrolling the tags, it cannot stand uncorrected.

*remembers Toph Beifong from Avatar the last airbender exists*

Now hold on a fucking second.

She wears green, she has two daughters in legend of korra with no known fathers (she canonically fucks), she isn't really seen that much with a potential romantic love interest (at least to my memory). Yes she did seem to have a crush on Sokka at one point but that might've also just been a demiro situation or confusing other attraction types and feelings for romantic ones (+ they travelled together for months to save the world and fought a lot of battles together, it would be weirder if they didn't form a bond of any kind already by that time)...

And she invented metalbending!

That last one doesn't have shit to do with being aromantic, but it is still an awesome bonus to have.

+ If she had the words I totally could imagine her just going "yeah, I'm aroallo, idc, just deal with it."

Maroallards!!

and then dealing with the fact that i do experience sexual attraction intensely and not wanting to be the deviant queer that i was told i was and wishing i wanted a "normal" relationship. god. it's hard! i wanna affirm to all of us aroallos that it's fucking hard and i'm proud of you no matter where u are in your self-acceptance journey and i hope one day you can fully be at peace with your orientation if you arent currently.

but even with all that, there's also something awesome about accepting myself. idk man i'm glad i know who i am and i'm glad i no longer put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. i have people in my life i care about and aren't planning on going anywhere, i have a friend i have sex with who knows i'm aro and it's chill. there is permanence and beauty and joy and connection in my life. still unlearning the idea (very stupid idea tbh) that romance is the ultimate permanence or that it means something unbreakable. in my rational mind, i know that my relationships are more unbreakable than almost all romance i see lol.

these are not impossible things even though i used to feel like they were. and whatever you yearn for, no matter how different from my ideal, is likely also not impossible. we can have the lives we want, i promise :)))