I am The Salt™

Which is bad enough, and honestly it doesn’t make me want to interact with her because, what an asshole lmao. The problem is, she’s a trans woman. So, it doesn’t feel good to outright dismiss her as an asshole, even though I don’t have the energy to educate her. If I see her and it comes up, I’ll just spam her with sources, whatever.*

Another issue arise though: excl/us/ion/ism, as we all know, is pretty popular among...te/rfs. So, while I don’t want to use up my energy for an aphobe, I can’t help knowing having this kind of bullshit in her head is dangerous for her (also, let’s be honest, it’s really fucking dangerous for the aspec people in her life, but it’s apparently not important to care about us so). So, while my actual main goal in wanting to make her change her mind is, the safety of one particular aroace person I know (they’re close), I’m also genuinely worried she might end up hurting herself because of her wrong beliefs. And I don’t know if showing/explaining to her how te/rfs have popularized aphobia and thrive on it would help? Like, trying to appeal to her own interests at first before getting her to care bout other people and trust/believe us?

I have no idea on if this would work or not. I don’t know her that much, we’ve barely met, and I don’t want to put the work into an aphobe with no garanty that they’ll at least change to be respectful of aspec people. 

So yeah it’s a bit of a complicated situation. Maybe I just shouldn’t care but like I said, there’s this aroace person I care about in this equation. Thoughts?

And honestly, I just don’t know how I feel about this culture of always giving the burden of knowledge to B. I mean, it’s useless knowledge for B at best, and it’s harmful at worst. By harmful I mean, either, it’ll ruin the friendship (given there’s a lack of friendship on A’s part) or, worse, it could pressure B. 

And on the other hand, I...think I can understand the desire to be honest with the people in your life? Not that I think not confessing is being dishonest but yeah. One could feel like they’re hiding the truth and feel uncomfortable with that. 

And he arrived in the presentation channel “I’m probably somewhere on the aromantic spectrum” and I just. 

I KNEW IT DUDE I FUCKING KNEW IT

You know, the concept of cousins basically being the basis of it. “We’re different but the results in our normative are the same for all of us, so let’s bundle up!”

And I like the idea of someone who’s not of a precise identity being able to pitch in about a similar experience they’ve lived through. Being a “cousin” is something I experience both in terms of queerness (though here it’s often pejorative as in “not gay enough”) and neurodivergence which is why I’m allowing myself to draw this parallel. 

I’m tired of identity politics and the idea that you can only speak if you have the corresponding identity, regardless of your lived experience. Sure, we need to find a balance, because it’s still not nice to talk over other people, or make someone else’s experience about yourself, but that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s really about the precise symptoms, and by symptoms I mean, consequences on your life, or NTs/CisStraight people’s reactions to you. 

Hey, I’m happy finding the aro community has been such a positive experience for you!

Well, I’d say you have to ask yourself why you want to come out to them. Is it because you’re friends with them, and want them to know, like any other friend? Is it because you’re worried a bit they’re interested in you in a non platonic way? Is it because, as they’re your ex, you feel like you owe them some “truth”? Or maybe you think it could be nice for them to know you’re aro, so maybe they can help other people find out about this identity?

Maybe clarifying the root of your questionment can help you find your answer. Of course, you don’t owe anyone anything, but from your ask, I doubt that’s where you’re coming from (you also don’t seem to be worried about a potential arophobic response).

So yeah, ask yourself about the reason you’d want to tell them, and also, what is to be gained from this coming out. A friend who gets who you are, some peace and comfort of mind? 

I recently met someone who I think is cool and nice to talk to. I’ve met them while they were at a very low point, and I just decided to help them a bit because I could (I knew I could, because I’ve known I’m aro for a while now, and part of their issues was a recent realization that they’re aro). 

I didn’t do “a lot”, just my usual emotional support to soothe them and, when they were okay enough, I did push them a bit so they could rest (which they knew they needed a lot but couldn’t achieve because reasons). We spent the following day together, and got joined by some other people we know. It was a very nice day, just doing non-stressful things, and offering support when sometimes, the problems came back. It was honestly pretty enjoyable for me too, when usually spending a whole day outside will leave me with absolutely no spoon before it even ends, this day I had just enough to get back home safely. And my initial goal was making this person feel better, not particularly having a good day for myself! 

And yet, it was good. Sure, I think I could become friends with this person, and would love it if it happened. But, even if it doesn’t, it won’t change the fact that this day spent together was enjoyable.

I’m so used to doing things for others (and I’m sure a lot of you relate) and worrying about being tossed aside after I’ve helped them, that I’ve now realized it’s been difficult for me to just enjoy things. Because I was always helping people to the point where I was just a recovery tool, I stressed a lot over being efficient and, even more, not being disliked. Because I had invested a lot into these people. But it wasn’t the case here. I hadn’t invested anything, I had just stumbled upon a stressful situation: we had just met the day before!

I didn’t give advice, didn’t even try to, because it wasn’t what they were asking for and, because we didn’t know each other, they couldn’t realistically ask for that: I don’t know anything about their life. And I think this lack of expectation - from both sides - made the enjoyment we had possible.

(Because of the context we met in, we also knew we had the same political values, and were “safe” which definitely helps a lot to have a positive experience. The time spent together was not superficial or anything thanks to that trust. Thought it was worth mentioning)

We’re not close, we’re not even friends. Just two people who met by chance and had a moment. And I think it’s important to value such relationships too. It’s freeing. And yes, maybe sometimes, close relationships can begin that way, which is totally cool! But this kind of experience doesn’t have to lead to a friendship or any kind of more defined relationship.