AsheS

I forgot those times where you were my saviour.

Talking about Taylor Swift's new album, The Tortured Poet Department. I am a big fan of Taylor's songwriting and have been for many years now. I was looking forward to seeing the lyrics of this album, as it was marketed as a literary heavy work. As as literary enthusiast, I was really excited for this album. But after listening and going through the lyrics, I can say that I am disappointed, a sentiment shared by many other listeners. Some critisism include the music production or that it doesn't align with what's expected from an artist at Taylor's stage in life. Personally I don't have enough knowledge in the music area to comment on that. Also I am not interested in Taylor's personal life drama, I don't care much about her as a person, she lives her life as I live mine. I appreciate her as an artist, seperate from her personal affairs. Her personal life does not affect the way I perceive her art. However, another common critique is that the lyrics in this album feels overly wordy and forced. It's feels like it's written by someone stuck in beginners poet trap, using too many metaphors and vocabulary to sound smart and it ends up doing the opposite. And with this critique, I wholeheartedly agree. As someone who has experienced that phase, that's exactly what I felt while going through the lyrics. It was not upto the mark. It sounded very try hard and doesn't have the natural flow where the words work together to paint a clear picture. Many songs on the album aren't that great and the album could have done without it. And also the lyrics need some editing badly. It's way too specific, too many details and it leads to some loss in the relatibility factor for me, which is one of the things people enjoy about her music. As they say, don't tell, show. I prefer Taylor's approach in Folklore and evermore, where she uses metaphors to convey the emotions effectively. For me, those were some of her best works.

Despite my disappointment, there are few tracks on the album that I do enjoy such as The Prophecy, loml, The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived, I Look In People's Windows and So Long, London. Overall, while there are few good songs, the album as a whole didn't meet my expectations, especially when I have seen what Taylor is capable of.

Dear first love,

I am sorry. I am sorry for breaking your heart. I am sorry for not loving you the way you loved me. You taught me the art of loving unconditionally. I am sorry I wasn't able to understand it then. If I did, maybe I would still have you. I didn't know that someone can love me without any conditions. All my life I have believed that I have to be or act certain way for me to be loved. I just couldn't accept that someone can love me just for existing. You loved me even when I gave you hundred reasons why you shouldn't. Thank you for showing me what it means to be loved truly. And I am sorry that in return of all that love, all I gave you were scars. I am sorry that you are still fighting battles that I started. I am sorry that I give you nightmares when it comes to love. I am sorry it takes so much from you to feel love again. I am sorry. You are a very beautiful part of my life, even if I don't see you anymore. And even if I wanted to have you back, I wouldn't do that to you. Previously because I knew I couldn't love you the way you deserved to be loved. Now because I don't want to renew your old scars. You deserve so much better. Someone who broke you cannot put you back together.

You told me that you are seeing someone else now, someone who loves you for who you are. I am so happy for you. And I think I have found someone I am willing to risk everything for and it wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for you. You have taught me how to love. I am so thankful to you. I don't know what future holds for me, for all I know I might end up heartbroken, but this time I feel braver. You have taught me that love is worth the risk and I am grateful to you for that. We met at the wrong time. I didn't know what to do with all that love. I didn't know how to accept it. Now, I do.

I will always have a corner in my heart, reserved for you. Thank you for being a part of my story. Even if ours was only a short chapter, it was one of the most beautiful ones.

From,

Dear 'maybe someday',

I like you very much. Maybe love you even. I know you know that. But I understand, you are not looking for anything serious right now. I also understand that you talk to me because you are lonely. But I don't want that. I don't want to waste my time on someone I know I won't have a future with. I am not into casual dating anymore. I was happy with myself. I just hoped I would get to share it with you. Our goals are very different, right now. I don't blame you for wanting different things than me. Yes, I do wish you could have loved me back, that we could be something someday. But I understand. Dreams aren't always meant to be reality. Although I am sad about it, it's okay, I accept it. I would have stayed, but I don't want to purposefully put myself through something where the end has already been decided, in the hopes of a Maybe that may or may not happen. I know that I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who chooses me, not someone who settles with me because he was lonely. I deserve to be appreciated, not tolerated. I really wanted it to be you, but we don't always get what we want. All we can do is just accept it and move forward. Maybe somewhere ahead, someone might want to stay. And maybe someday, you will want to stay too.

From,

Your back-up

As much I liked the new me, I missed the good me.

But I want you to know that I am a writer. I notice details that are normally forgotten. And I add those details when I tell my story, to myself and to others, making it sound like something out of a movie.

It's all on the perspective. I speak how I see the world.

An unspoken promise, and some hope,

One tale with two different goals.

Hope designed the illusion for you,

My smiles told stories not true.

Sunkissed hallways, sweet laughs,

Hid the coldness of one heart.

I remember the gentle words

That, once, rained on my troubled thoughts.

Realization dawned upon me,

A sad memory was all you could be.

Denial coated the unwanted truth,

Once there was all, and now, there was none.

I ran and ran, until I couldn't anymore,

My trail masked by the planned ignorance.

Chose the easy way out,

Gifted you the hard one.

For ages now, cowardice dances with me,

And never once did I complain.

I flew worlds, I changed dimensions,

You grew into a forgotten memory.

You tried to cross my way, only to fail,

Experienced as I am, you were new.

My coldness making you numb.

I was not supposed to be venomous,

But I was dangerous of them all.

My poison hides behind the sugar,

Instilled years ago, continues to exist now.

A defence to protect the weak heart.

For it was the glue that held me together,

And the same one that broke you altogether.

To his future lover,

I know you don't want to hear this, especially not from someone who broke his heart. I know he might have talked about the girl who broke his innocent heart, and how he still kept pining after her, because I know I am an important chapter of his story, a turning point but that's all I will ever be, a chapter in his story, never an epilogue. You still have the chance to be his epilogue. And I am writing this to you, wanting you to be in his epilogue because he doesn't deserve any more heartbreak. I know, you'll stay and I know you'll give him the love that I failed to give.

I just want to remind you of the different ways where you can make him feel loved. I just want you to love him with all you have, because he'll love you with everything he has and more. His love would shine through his eyes and you'll know it. You'll know it when his eyes light up when he sees you or when he holds your hand. He won't be afraid to show the world about how much you mean to him, and I hope you won't be embarassed to express your love either. He would take the long way home just to spend more time with you. I ask you to hug him when he reads the poem that he has written for you. It's all his expression of love. Show him you accept his love. But most importantly, tell him you love him. Tell him when you feel the butterflies in your stomach from his gentle gaze. Tell him when you feel the warmth when he smiles at you. Tell him you love him when he says he loves you, because you know that you love him too.

I know that somedays are going to be difficult, that there will be days when it's hard to love and it's okay. But he'll always be there for you, meeting you halfway. He will never make you feel that your love is unreciprocated. And your smile might just make his day. He wears his heart on his sleeves, and be careful when you hold it. Don't let it fall and break, it's already been broken once and it has probably taken him long time to piece it all together. So hold it gently and fiercely. And maybe you don't need me tell you this because there must be a reason why you are beside him and I am not.

From,

Dairy entry #4 excerpt

Diary entry #c excerpt

Diary entry #b excerpt

Dairy entry #a excerpt

Until we are burned by the heat,

But no one talked about the aftermath.

Endless falling into a bottomless pit,