What Am I?

YESSSSS

bruises on his knuckles, honey on his lips

by yu_gin

At first, Yuna thought she saw a ghost. When Rozanov appeared next to her son, at first she didn’t recognize him. She had seen his picture on tv or on tabloids countless times, so it was not like she didn’t know what he looked like, but in those ten years the antagonism between him and her son had grown so much that he resembled, in her mind, a mythological creature. It was like facing a folkloristic monster that you had seen in books and never thought could actually exist. But there he is, standing still behind Shane, wearing a Boston’s t-shirt – the audacity! – his hands crossed in the front like a young scholar waiting for the teacher to judge his polished uniform, in complete silence, while Shane is mumbling some sort of explanation. And then Shane says: “This is Ilya.” ~ * ~ Yuna and David had known about Ilya Rozanov since he first crossed their son's path.But after that day at the cottage, they discover a whole new aspect behind the mask that Ilya has worn for all those years.

Learning to Fly

by WriteSmart

Yuna has let go of a lot in her life, including her own dream to play professional hockey. But that's alright; she has Shane and David and they have built a storybook legacy together. Then Ilya Rozanov gets hurt and suddenly Shane's calling her asking if they'll go pick up his archrival from the hospital.

another view

by goldengalaxies

Ilya absolutely horrifying Shane and Yuna with Russian interpretations of sushi.

“What do you mean “baked sushi rolls”? And why the fuck is there cream cheese in EVERYTHING??”

Russian party food vs Shane’s strict macrobiotic diet.

“Why is there mayonnaise in everything??? Wtf is herring in a fur coat?”

Having said that, Shane loves solenya cos they’re good for the microbiome and has spent a summer perfecting his sauerkraut pickling technique

Ilya has introduced Maslenitsa into the Hollanders’ life. He makes stacks n stacks of the thinnest butteriest bliny and has to be physically removed from the kitchen to stop him making any more cos everyone is MORE than full.

One summer Ilya teaches Bood to make shashlik and it blows everyone’s fucking mind at the next team bbq gathering.

Russian New Year’s Eve enters the Hollander’s and Centaurs’ lives and everyone is really into it cos it’s an excuse to not go out out or freeze your tits off watching disappointing fireworks somewhere. They all gather at Shane and Ilya’s, partners, kids, dogs and all. There is more food than necessary but Ilya is still worried people will leave hungry, cos he’s a russian mum at heart. The playlist is weird mix of traditional russian songs and popular hits from the 90s/00s. Champagne for everyone (yes, the children too, “just a little sip!”) Luka Haas is babysitting all the children and drawing their favourite pokemon for them. The night inevitably ends with Ilya and Svetlana drunk as fuck singing Рюмка водки at the top of their lungs.

Everyone needs a minute to get used to caviar just being a normal thing at family and friends celebrations.

Ilya is passionate about watermelon and claims he has the best technique for choosing the best one. Wont explain said technique.

Equally he is passionate about a good tomato and will go on long tirades about “flavourless fucking western supermarket tomatoes”, and goes out of his way to source good ones. Is obviously on first name basis with owners of local Eastern European produce shop.

Ilya arranges for him and Shane to have a banya experience. They fuck about it after.

The literal cofounder of queer theory as an academic field says that abandoning trans people is fascist logic.

The voices in our community trying to exclude us may be loud, but they are not right, and they do not speak for the community as a whole or our history or anything at all.

BUT

i have now been gifted the vision of them downloading a battleship game app and sexting in the chat feature (with their usernames changed to jane and lily after ilya continues to send sexy texts and shane gets stressed that SOMEHOW someone is going to manage to find this random ass app)

GOD ilya looking up why he suddenly keeps getting told he can't send messages on this app now and happening to stumble across a reddit thread talking about how apps are getting sanitized for advertisers, and ilya is PISSED

gets so mad on twitter that yuna calls him and is like, "honey, i love your passion, but you need to STOP. advertisements pay you a lot of money."

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.

You are stuck as a soldier in this historical war

(this is a magical universe where people who wouldn't usually be able to fight would. so you can all suffer.)