Regaining Paradise

@yearnalisms requested to bring this beautiful text post by @honeyybrii to gif form! all inspo credit to op of the text post! 💜 this tag is especially a good sum up of the set:

And yes he was high and yeah maybe he wouldn't have done that specific thing if he wasn't but honestly who knows. He wakes up to the news of his own outing and his first thought is Oh Okay It's Done. He's done it. He's signed his own death warrant. Maybe he doesn't have to go back to Russia today or tomorrow but someday he will and he knows what's waiting for him there. At the hands of state-sanctioned violence or a good old fashioned hate crime or maybe even fucking Alexei and whatever goons he can scrounge up. So he knows that's going to happen. No more wondering if or why. Now it's only when and how.

And then Shane fucking Hollander happens, as he always does. And Ilya, who is literally saying LET ME DIE HERE has to deal with the fact that he's not going to be allowed to so long as Shane Hollander has breath in his body. And then he's going to have to confront why that is. And then he's going to have to deal with his own suicidality for both of their sakes because if Shane is going to drag him back from the edge of his own personal bridge (The idea that he WILL die young and beautiful, just like Mama) then for fuck's sake he's gonna have to drag Shane back from his (The exquisite pain of self denial and flagellation, which Shane is using to hide from every aspect of his own life that might make it worth FUCKING LIVING) They are gonna hold onto each other and kick to the fucking surface and they are going to learn to want to live together.

Step one of the plan is secure Ilya's safety in North America step two is scream and cry and yell and step three is pin Shane to the bed and say his name 42 times in a row while fingering him until they both forget what it's like to want to stop existing. And somewhere along the way maybe Ilya will figure out that he's allowed to want to live even though his mother didn't and Shane will figure out that he's allowed to want to live even if he wants to live as a man who loves men.

(follow up of the accidental outing au)

THIS IS EVERYTHING TO MEEEE‼️‼️‼️‼️😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💔💔💔💔💔

This part especially really is the heart of this au:

Step one of the plan is secure Ilya's safety in North America step two is scream and cry and yell and step three is pin Shane to the bed and say his name 42 times in a row while fingering him until they both forget what it's like to want to stop existing. And somewhere along the way maybe Ilya will figure out that he's allowed to want to live even though his mother didn't and Shane will figure out that he's allowed to want to live even if he wants to live as a man who loves men.

Like,,, Ilya waiting to die and Shane refusing to live,,, both indulging in their own kinds of passive suicide,,, except they can't let the other go, but the only way to pull them off the cliff's edge is if they climb off it with them,,, can you believe this started as an excuse to hear your thoughts on jealous make up sex,,, life is so beautiful 💕🌷🌸🌹🌺🌻🌼🏵️💐🌷🌸🌹🌺🌻🌼🏵️💐🏵️🌼🌻

And the thing is THE THING IS!!!!!! Part of the hurt on Shane's side is like,,, it was supposed to be HIM‼️‼️It was meant to be HIM getting caught in a compromising position with Ilya, not some fucking nameless stranger. What the hell???

For so long, Shane's biggest, most all encompassing fear was being outed, even before he could ever articulate his own desire he feared being found out for it. And being outed really is Shane's worst nightmare, the complete collapse of the image he's made of himself, the implosion of his life as he knows it. So Shane should be happy it wasn't him that got sucked into Ilya's undertow, right?? Wasn't this the risk he's been talking about before every hookup, the thing that he tried to convince himself wasn't worth risking?? Shouldn't he be heaving a sigh of relief that he was careful enough to avoid being collateral in Ilya's car crash of a life??

But he's not happy. He's not happy that ilya has to face the music alone. Because it was supposed to be HIMMMMMM‼️‼️‼️‼️ This was the fucking sword of Damocles hanging over Shanes head his entire life!!!! And when it came down, it was supposed to come down on him and Ilya TOGETHER. So why the FUCK is it falling on Ilya's head alone?? Ilya takes the fall and Shane comes out unscathed, his shiny golden boy veneer unstained??? FUCK THAT!!!!!

Which is why Shane flays himself for Ilya: he comes out to his parents (who aren't fucking morons, no one comes out in solidarity with a stranger), he aligns his image alongside Ilya's, he opens his entire life to scrutiny by choosing to help Ilya through this scandal.

This is Abby Roque on Clarky's

Shane Hollander, brightest pupil in the league, after first hooking up with big strong competent competition Ilya Rozanov, has found a skill he is not good at. Shane was fumbling that first time sucking Ilya's dick, and Ilya had to guide him and hold his head and instruct him and Shane was so insecure about his performance he asked 'was that bad?' which is NOT a phrase usually in Shane's repertoire. And Ilya was manhandling and pulling him into the right position and pulling Shane OFF to finish the job himself which is Not the sign of a Good (Blow)Job.

So Shane makes it his mission. He Will Not repeat the sins of his past. He's been given a new skill he needs to perfect. To study. Literally. He busts out an archaic incognito window and his lonely dildo and a condom and he fucking practices like he's practicing a new play. It's wristwork, its form, he can be good at this.

“Ilya’s sometimes felt like he’s running an elaborate con, keeping his father away from Yuna and David and Shane at any events he attends.”

All I could think was what would happen if Yuna and David DID meet Gregory? I just pictured Ilya doing his best to play interference, placing himself unconsciously between his father and Yuna, eyes down, nervous in a way he hasn’t been around the Hollanders for years. I’ve read some fics where David had an abusive dad, maybe he sees something in the interaction that makes the hair stand up on the back of his neck. Maybe he shakes Gregory’s hand a little too hard. Maybe Yuna realizes they’re causing more stress if not an actual problem for Ilya and politely excuses them. And if Shane’s there! Does he notice the same or does he let his insecurities cloud his judgement and think Ilya is embarrassed about them. Does David correct him when he makes a snippy comment, does David say he doesn’t think he likes [Gregory] very much, which to Shane is like his mild mannered dad saying he wants to shoot someone dead.

Does David put a hand on Ilya’s shoulder before they leave that night, away from everyone else and say he’s proud of him. Does he say fathers are complicated and leave it at that.

I’m obsessing over the potential angst lol.

Thank you so much for your writing. You’re seriously so SO talented. And I hope you take this as intended, but Ive been following you a long time and while I’ve always loved your work you have also gotten SO good at writing. I can tell things flow a little easier and characterizations have really evolved since some of your early days. I love to see someone with natural talent improve in their craft - kudos!!

soooo ilya thinks he's doing a way better job of hiding his family dynamics from yuna and david than he is.

they might not know details, but they do now look for ilya at events (originally with the intention of, "hey! we're shane's parents. do you want to go out to dinner? all of us?" because yeah, our kids are good friends and we like your son a lot and you did a good job), but they've had dinner with ilya multiple times. they've seen what ilya is like. he's very personable and comfortable in social situations, and with them, he makes jokes and laughs and chirps back and forth with shane. so when they have that background information and then see him next to his father with expressions like

there is a certain amount of "hmmmmm" that happens.

because ilya doesn't look like that with THEM. so why does he look like that NOW?

and i've put in a couple of fics now david coming from a household with an abusive/violent father because i personally really like exploring gentleness as an active choice, and i also think it's really good for ilya to have an older man with the same/a similar background to him as an example of, "you don't have to become your father. you get to choose what kind of man you end up as."

and i think this also lets david catch on pretty quick to the dynamics, especially coupled with the fact that there is a notable lack of mention of any of ilya's family around them. shane doesn't catch on because he's used to getting "miss" and is busy playing 3d chess with what he thinks ilya's attempt at setting boundaries with him is, but for yuna and david, they've got what they can read of ilya's body language at events, the fact that they know ilya knows they're at events and yet doesn't bring his father over EVER and doesn't even stop by to see them, and also that ilya is SILENT about his family even when conversation might naturally offer the chance to talk about them.

so there is an element of making this sadder for ilya because he's working SO HARD to try and keep this all secret even though yuna and david already Know. they might not have the details, but they have enough to understand the rough shape of things.

it's part of the reason they're always so inclusive of ilya with things like getting dinner together or having him at christmas. they're not going to directly confront him about it, but it is an effort at, "you have a place here" because he is a good friend (lmao) to their son, and he is a good kid who doesn't have a family that seems equally good.

so even in the olympics chat, yuna brings up ilya's family because she is yuna and sometimes pushes past some potential boundaries and also just is really trying to understand exactly what the dynamic IS. like is there ANY family he has who are going to be supporting him here?

but ilya is pretty short about all of his answers, and then yuna tries to swing it around to moscow instead of his family specifically, doesn't get much, david tosses in a "you could have fun with shane" suggestion, still doesn't get much, and then yuna and david swing around to playfighting about something else completely instead of pushing any further about something ilya clearly isn't interested in talking about

and then during the olympics, they reach out to ilya to offer some support and also try to arrange him and shane spending time together

it doesn't work because ilya is so twisted up in his own torment nexus that he's pushing shane away, but yuna and david don't know that.

The main thing that stands out to me and what most of this analysis will center around is how sex is portrayed in such a respectful manner. It is neither overly chaste nor fetishized, it is simply the depiction of two people who experience attraction for each other expressing that attraction. It is in no way treated as taboo or something to be even remotely ashamed of. It is not even treated as something particularly special that should “only be done between committed couples.” It treats sex as what it is, an act between consenting Individuals of mutual pleasure and enjoyment. Sure, sex can have an emotional component, but it does not have to, and the show does not treat sex lacking such a component as any less meaningful or powerful, and it certainly does not demonize it.

(Just a note, emotion and attraction are not the same thing. Take Shane’s attempts at intercourse with Rose: there is an emotional component in that they do likely love each other, just not romantically, but it is missing a two-way attraction. Conversely, at the beginning of Shane and Ilya’s relationship, they lacked the emotional component, but there was strong attraction.)

Another thing I noticed is that the show does not shy away from movement, either of the camera or of the actors. A lot of other shows known for their intimate scenes (Ex. Bridgerton) tend to both keep the camera fairly locked in place (usually on the actors faces) and keep the actors fairly still, with all action being implied through vocalization and facial expression. In Heated Rivalry however, while the camera does give plenty of time to their faces, it also wider shots showing their position, which the show does not hesitate to change. Many different positions are taken in these scenes, and none of them are treated as strange or less correct than standard missionary. This is coupled with much more overt movement from the actors, all of which creates a much more realistic depiction of sex, adding to the idea that sex is not something to shy away from, but to embrace as a part of many people’s lives.

Narratively, the sex is written into the story in such a cohesive way, that to remove it would fundamentally alter the plot being shown. Again, take Bridgerton: most of its stories could be reworked to exclude the sex scenes while still telling essentially the same thing. There is nothing wrong with this, not every story needs to have sex as a central element or to have it at all, but the way in which sex is written into Heated Rivalry is truly special. It examines the way the sex, while not requiring an emotional connection, can build one. It does not act as if a prior relationship is necessary for such an act to be performed and enjoyed, and most importantly, it does not act as if a romantic relationship that originated as a purely sexual one is any less real or devoted than a relationship in which sex was a much later step. This, again, circles back to the idea that for many people sex is just a part of life that, like most things, can become something bigger, but doesn’t necessarily have to.

beyond how the show actually portrays intimacy on the screen, it is also unique in how it depicts its effects on the characters. For both Shane and Ilya, sex is something which empowers them. For Shane, who has spent a good portion of his life heavily repressed, sex with Ilya is a release. It is a way to express without fear a part of himself a part of himself that he usually has to keep deeply buried. In many ways, it is freedom from himself and the expectations foisted upon him . For Ilya, sex is freedom of another sort: freedom not from expectations, but from the treatment he receives, primarily from his family. Sex is a way for him to provide for his partner, to make another person feel good without the backlash he experiences when supporting his father and brother. For both of them, sex is a place where they can exist as they are without criticism or rejection, and the show knows this and uses this to emotionally would the characters in scenes like Vegas and the tuna-meltdown.