You could have been my son, but we didn't use that word because you have bad memories about your father.
You could have been my younger brother, a younger cousin.
And that was what I have seen our relationship as, as long as I have known you.
We talked at odd hours, when things were troubling you, when memories came up and dreams would not let you sleep.
You needed someone to talk, and half a world away there was not much more that we could do.
But despite the nay-sayers, talking does help.
Especially when all the other people in your life just don't-can't understand and there is one person online you can talk to, who does.
I hope you are well wherever you are now.
That day someone outed you, when you thought you could trust someone and told them your secret, and they spread it to the whole forum.
That was the day you vanished and I tried to reassure you, writing to you that it did not matter.
I don't know if you ever read the messages I wrote you on the different messaging systems we had been talking on.
Maybe you are reading this, while I know the chance is slim, there still is a chance.
Maybe you already know, I love you no matter what.
It did not matter that you are afab, because you were always, and always are a boy.
The glee they took in outing you, I am sorry that I wasn't able to reassure you that it would not matter what other people thought.
That your brother was not your brother, but you, when you yourself could not talk about painfull things, when your brother told me you needed help, when your brother was there to talk to me about you and ask for help...that is okay.
You didn't know how to talk about these things otherwise, and you used part of your system...I think you have a system. But maybe your brother was just a puppet you could use and hide behind.
Either way, it is okay.
Because you were scared, sad and still wanted help and reached out in the ways you were able to.
That does not make it bad or wrong.
It makes you strong, reaching out despite all the bad memories, despite being scared.
I hope you knew that I would not have been angry if you ever would have told me yourself.
Also, I am not angry that you vanished. I understand, and that was why we talked, because I understand.
So if you ever read this or not, this goes out to everyone else in a similiar situation.
It is okay, it will get better, there are people who understand.
Please do not run away and vanish.
But if you do, please be safe.
Please know, there might be very well someone missing you, still loving you.