Of Rants and Rambles

he always touches me. either he’s brushing his hand against mine or outrightly grab my elbow even when i’m stable as fuck.

i don’t mind though. i don’t think he’s sexually attracted to me. i mean, look at me, a fucking frog-look-like-girl. if i were a boy i wouldn’t date the girl version of me; which is me.

strange thing is, he always got angry whenever i said i’m ugly. but he never calls me beautiful, so i think he just doesn’t like to hear people shaming their own body. he’s kind.

i wouldn’t exactly describe him as the prince charming that is perfect and such. he has flaws, and the best part is he keeps highlighting his flaws and owns it. he’s not ashamed of who he is, his real self, in which i’m very jealous of because of his high self-confidence and even though sometimes his confidence came out too strong and made him look like a snob, he never really gives a single fuck about it. he’s a free-spirited human being. too careless. too good.

and i can’t help to believe that everything is too much is not that good. he doesn’t quite understand what ‘friends’ are for. he stands too strong, too tall, and too proud—alone. he’s alone. and from what i see, he doesn’t want to admit that he’s lonely.

i pity him. he had built me up and made me appreciate myself more yet he himself can’t live without people’s recognition.

what can i do to help? i asked him, in my head.

fuck off. i expected him to say that if i ever really dare to ask him the question.

so i did.

i dare myself to come up to him and ask him. begging him to be honest because a helping hand can only go wrong when the other party is not being cooperative.

what can i do to help? i asked him, face to face.

unexpectedly, he was silent for a few minutes. there was only me and the silence. he didn’t even fucking move, he was just there, contemplating with his mind, breathing—existing.

what can i do to help? i repeated.

he took a breath, exhaled, and said

it is okay to have no idea where you’re going at the moment.

everyone is lost.

but what makes them look like they’re not lost is that

they didn’t forget their way back home.

so

“do you know what’s sad about sunset?” she asked.

“what?”

“it keeps leaving the sky at the exact same time, every single day, knowing that the sky will spend the night with the moon.”

he tilted his head aside, “so you think the sky is cheating with the moon behind the sun’s back?”

“well, do you think so?” she asked back.

“no.. that’s weird because the sky had no choice, even the sun and the moon--they had no choice. it has to be that way.”

you know, you are loved.

somebody out there, if you haven’t found the one yet, darling you are very dearly loved.

when you’re wondering when will you find ‘the one’, don’t forget that you have other people that love you just as much. or better, even more.

you are loved, by the people you care about and even by strangers you just greet this morning because they fell in love with your kindness.

you are truly loved.

maybe you will feel a little bit bored with the same old love you have received all these years, but dearest, there is going to be someone that loves you beyond your expectation.

no, I’m not talking about the kind of love princesses in Dream Land got, no, it’s this kind of love that is real. realistic love. yes they will love you, for sure, but that doesn’t mean that they will overlook your flaws or your worse, instead they will embrace it, help you to improve and makes you a better person. and just to remind you, this person that will love you later, is also a human, okay? probably they will not be the perfect lover you dreamed of, because they pick on their nose. but darling, it is very humane. do the same thing as they did to you, embrace their flaws, help them to be a better person. but don’t take this in a wrong way, what I meant by helping them to be a better person doesn’t mean you have to change them to fit all your perfect lover characteristics. there is no such thing as perfect, everything, everyone has its own flaws. note that down.

there is no one that truly loves you but let you be a worse kind of person. who would want that? who, in this fucking world, would do that to their beloved ones?

lovely reminder for you:

I needed distraction

and there you were, 

at the station

with all your mighty traction

and dazing smile; 

it was a malefaction

you stole my heart and never gave it back

dare I say it’s a social malfunction

you see, it was an action

and reaction

you took a direct action

and I never had a plan of action

could it be a scene of action,

friend.

temen.

apaan sih?

seriously, what is ‘friend’?

these past few days I’ve been having this question asked in my head all over again, day and night. maybe because I haven’t meet up with my friends again and really interact with them face to face since school is over. maybe because I miss them? or...

I just miss being surrounded by people?

not friends, in specific, just.. people that knew me. you know, that kind of feeling when you just feel safe and comfortable when you’re in the middle of this indistinct nonstop chattering and laughter.

or is it just me? haha.

guess it’s just me, the weird one, always.

you’re very welcome to skip this post, exit my tumblr, and clear history.

((what if there’s nobody reading this))

(((oh well... I don’t care???)))

------BATAS NGOCEH GAJELAS ------

yeah so, back to topic.

what was it again?

oh, temen itu apa.

honestly I never really feel like I’m somebody’s friend. I have never been that ‘I’ll pick you up even if it’s 3 a.m’ kind of friend because.. um... I’ll be still sleeping at that time and I can’t pick anyone up because I can’t ride a vehicle, so...

yeah.

oh and, I have never received any calls for help or ‘I need to tell you something’ call or even the slightest ‘I need you’ call at 3 a.m, so....

*shrugs*

I am that type of friend you will immediately forget when we no longer keep in touch.

I am that type of friend that always take pictures of you but never get tagged on your Instagram posts.

I am that type of friend that brighten up the mood but you will instantly forget my jokes once you step out of the room.

I am that type of friend who truly listen and keep all your secrets but you never tried to listen to mine.

I am that type of friend who will get to know what happens in your life after the whole school know it.

I am that type of friend who didn’t really cross anyone’s mind at first when they think of ‘a friend’.

I am that type of friend that always got to be nth choice.

I am that type of friend you don’t really remember when you see things on the street because you don’t know the things I like or what I usually do.

I am that type of friend who once said a really great and nice quote but soon got no credit for it because you don’t remember who said it.

I am that type of friend who is... easily forgotten.

and that is okay.

I am not demanding people or my ‘friends’ to put me as their priority or ask them to make me their best of friend this instant. everything has its own role, and maybe my role as a friend is that.

although I am not okay, I don’t feel good, it’s okay.

it’s okay.

by writing this post, I am not trying to draw attention on me by labeling this as self-pity or self-roast. I am saying the truth, my truth.

Sedari dulu, aku menyukai tantangan. 

Tak pernah sekalipun aku melewatkan perlombaan hidup atau mati yang diselenggarakan siapapun, kapanpun, dan di manapun. 

Dan tak pernah sekalipun, aku tidak merebut gelar jawara. 

Tapi semenjak dia ada, gelar jawaraku mulai goyah. 

Kini, dialah yang dipandang orang-orang sebagai juara terbaik kompetisi hidup atau mati. 

Tentu, berada di posisiku sangat tidak menguntungkan. 

Orang-orang mulai meragukan keberanianku, dan sayangnya, hanya ada satu cara untuk menghapus keraguan itu dari para penggemarku. 

Aku harus mengalahkannya. 

why wouldn’t I have insecurities?

everybody has their own insecurities

their faults

weaknesses

sides they can’t show to other people, no matter how close they are as a friends, lover

who knows, maybe your best friend is currently crying because of things, curling her body on a bed and trying her best to not make any sound

not even a sob

so people won’t notice

so you won’t notice

and the next day, when she shows up with swollen eyes

you’ll ask ‘what happened?’, and she’ll say jokingly,

“I was punched,”

obviously you wouldn’t buy it, so you ask one more time.

‘what’s wrong?’

and she’ll say calmly, convincing you with her gaze,

“Nothing,”

you believed her

because that’s just how she has always been

coming brightly with an ear to ear grin today

and shows up with swollen eyes and head hung low the next day

because that’s just how she is

so you believed her

and she believed you, she believed that little voice from the back of her head,

that little voice that keeps repeating itself,

“you’re okay, don’t worry”

Glory Day (One Way Trip) Movie Review

[MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILER. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED]

*^*

I can’t help myself to follow the hype. Although I admit I’m /a bit/ late than the others to watch this but still, better late than never, aye? Yeah. So, I just finished watched this movie with my brother (even though he fell asleep in the midst of the movie--not because it’s boring, he was tired, that’s all) and I must say I’m kind of disappointed with the end. The trailer and all of the interviews about the movie was quite interesting and it really did sound great. So of course I had lots of expectation from this movie.

From the trailer, synopsis, interviews of the cast, the movie tells a story about four best of friends who decided to go on a trip--2 days 1 night--and totally enjoy their youth and go all out, they practically live like there is no tomorrow. There were so many clips of them having fun and laughing together, which eventually make me smile along with them. But later, they saw a woman got abused by her husband and helped her out. Unfortunately, the woman later states the other way around and blames the death of his late husband to these young men who actually had helped her when she was abused brutally. (I was furiously mad when I watched this part because honestly woman, do you even call yourself a human?).

I gotta say this.

I’ve warned you about spoiler, haven’t I?

I have.

So...

IN THE MOVIE, I repeat, IS NOT THAT JOYFUL AND HAPPY. I AM SO SAD AND I CRIED.

I CRIED.

If it was a text then it would be included in recount text. So the movie goes on and back, because there are some part when Yong Bi (Ji Soo) remembers the time when he and his friends had fun before all of the tragic things happened. And it was just so sad because I somehow can relate to it. It’s like when you had so much fun outside, and then you heard a bad news once you’re home and the bad news just breaks you down to the core of your soul. 

It is that deep.

Plus, I think the storyline was quite confusing because towards the end, it just went so fast. What I need from a movie, especially a movie which brings friendship topic in it, is a character development. I want to know what each character think of the decision they made in the climax towards anti-climax. I want to see the characters’ growth. But unfortunately this movie I think is too focused on solving the problem of the movie.

I actually still have so much to say but I’ll put this to an end now. Overall it’s a pretty good movie, and sad too, but I personally think it’s quite disappointing. Friendly reminder, all of this is pure my opinion only. You might think the opposite once you watched the movie. Let’s discuss about this movie later! 

AH!

Aaaand I’m back again. It’s been awhile, isn’t it? How are you guys? Hope you’re all doing well.

You know what I love about writing? I always feel like I’m talking to someone who puts a lot of interest in me. Maybe you think I’ve gone mad (which I believe you guys won’t be that cruel to me) but! It’s true. That’s exactly how I feel when I’m writing. I love talking to people. And since I feel like I’m talking to sort of imaginary people when I write, I just can’t stop.

No matter how many times I’ve given up on writing because I’m terribly suck at making continuous stories, I just keep coming back for it. I love the thrill when I write each word and make it to a sentence, and make it to a paragraph and boom! I wrote a story.

I’ve only completed approximately less than ten short stories, but I mostly forgot about it. The only story I remember is this one story about a girl student and a new tranferred student.

Both of them are smart with a polar opposite personality. Say the first girl is A and the second one is B. A is extrovert, and B is introvert. A used to ranked first in her study, but since B came along, A’s rank dropped and she became second in her class.

I was too naive back then, I didn’t make A become some cheap, full of jealousy girl towards B. I made them friends, instead. Well, they’ve been friends since B’s first appearance in the story though, but after B got first place, they became closer.

And not long after that, A learned that the reason behind B’s successful achievement in class is because of her motto that was written in every page of her books: “Talk Less Do More”. (Sounds familiar, huh? Yeah it was a cigarette’s motto I saw on my dad’s cigarette pack HEHE)

And so, B told A how she have been studying to get the first place. After gaining some tips and trick on how to study 101 from B, A still can’t regain her rank back. Plus, A was very exhausted because she had been studying nonstop 24/7 just like B told her to.

So she decided to just use her own way of studying. A put 1000000x times better effort this time, and finally at the end of the day, A ranked first and B comes as second.

What I wanted to deliver in this story is: Do your own study. Use your own special way of studying, it’s okay to copy other people’s method but make sure it suits you and you feel comfortable with it.

I wrote that story when I was in 4th grade and I totally forgot where did I put the original hard copy of it. Duh.

Anyway, that storry was actually an assignment from my Bahasa Indonesia teacher. After I read it out aloud in front of the class, my teacher asked a copy of my story and she proudly announced in front of the class that she would take my story and send it Bobo magazine. I was so grateful at that time, but up until now I didn’t know if my story was really got submitted or not. I never checked, and I never asked either.