ugh, as if!

a customer returned a drink because a fly flew into it and said: “one of your flies flew into my drink” and my coworker was so confused that they just said: “…my fly?”

#MyFly

I looove when food is in a bowl. Frequently plates are being brought out and I'm thinking this could've been a bowl meal but nobody gets it

am i allowed to say kill all trillionaires or is that too specific of a threat

I was just thinking about this today talking to a friend about converting YouTube videos to mp3s to put them on our iPods and filling out the metadata stuff and adding album cover photos so it looked legit. Like you actually had to know computer stuff to do that

(USAmerican trying to imagine a societal environment) Okay, so picture a highway,

inability to correctly perceive 3d objects is in fact far more dangerous when someone is driving a car next to you then when they're like, sending emails to you.

can we focus on the gnome for a second

wait sorry i was not wearing my glasses. that is a cat

these are the people i have to share a highway with

You can lie when you name things

btw it's so fucking stupid you can be anxious physically in your body even after you've decided mentally you don't care. I'm supposed to be in charge here

if you vote me for president i vow to make everything the ocean again. no more land only ocean. this will solve all of our problems and replace them with new, far more interesting problems

never ask a woman her age a man his salary your mutual how late it is in her timezone when she starts posting about that bisexual man

a cat is a sort of machine that dispenses hair all over you and everything else in the room