Radical Thoughts

This page from one of my history books looks like a lesbian utopia.

Queer is used derogatorily and I don't like that so it's a slur

She didn't mince words. She didn't try to couch her language. She straight up identified male privilege, religion, and the insane lack of prosecution in these cases as key issues. Her male partner detective (I know there's a term but I'm forgetting it), who had gotten shot when he was a teenager for trying to defend his mom from his abusive dad, said bluntly that this woman-hating culture won't change until prosecution and justice is carried out. Entitled men, he said, are the problem.

Domestic violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime, and it's one of the most lethal -- both for victims, responders, and bystanders.

It most commonly affects women aged 18-24, but women of any age are affected.

1 in 15 kids are exposed to DV every year. 90% of these are direct eyewitnesses. These kids are 6x more likely to attempt suicide.

Men exposed to DV as kids are 3-4x more likely to become abusers themselves. They often use their childhood as an excuse and manipulation tactic.

19% of domestic violence involves a weapon. In this definition, 'weapon' refers to literally any object used to attack or threaten -- from guns to belts.

Pay attention to these weapon stats:

67% of domestic fatalities involve guns (in my county).

15% of domestic fatalities involve knives.

11% of domestic fatalities are caused by blunt force trauma. Blunt force trauma, in most cases, means the abuser beat the victim to death with his bare hands.

Many jurisdictions have implemented, or are in the process of implementing, laws in which domestic abusers' guns are confiscated, either for a certain period of time or indefinitely. While abusers are still able to kill or near-fatally injure victims by other means, taking their guns greatly increases victims' likelihood of surviving. Unfortunately, this practice isn't nearly universal.

Something I didn't know was that in many areas, when a victim goes to file for a protective order, her abuser can come into the courtroom and tell the judge his side of the story. He is allowed to lie and demean her while she is seeking protection. Because of institutionalized misogyny and because of abusers' ability to manipulate the system, they often get the protective order denied -- if the victim even gets to the point of petitioning for one, as the threat of her abuser being present to argue and traumatize her further is a huge deterrent.

So yeah, don't ever ask a victim "why didn't you just leave??" because that's dumb as shit. But it's important for loved ones to understand why victims can't do that in order to help their individual cases. Some common things that abusers use as leverage to keep their victims silent:

Kids. The abuser might threaten to injure or kill the kids, beat the victim in a custody battle and take them away, and turn them against her (especially if they're grown and out of the house). These threats are not idle. Abusers act on them every day.

Pets. Same thing as kids, really, and they'll also threaten to get rid of them. My own birth father snuck into our yard and killed my dog after my mom and I fled to a dog-friendly home.

Community. Abusers are adept at isolating victims from their loved ones and/or getting their social group on the abuser's side. This is especially true in religious communities, where excuses for abusers and shame on victims are built in.

Finances. Abusers reeeally like to make their victims jobless and financially dependent on them. On a macro level, this makes it hard for victims to get back into the workforce and afford a life on their own. On a micro level, it means that victims won't even be able to afford transportation to victim services medical products, etc.

Physical harm. Not all domestic abusers are physically violent, but many reach that point eventually. To try and prevent an abuser from assaulting or raping her, a victim might keep quiet and comply with less violent - but still abusive - demands.

Unfortunately, as we all know too well, there is no easy way out. Victims are often resistant to any attempts to help them; the legal barriers are hellish even for lawyers; and anyone who tries to help a victim is put at risk for being a target of the abuser. But y'all already know that. Here's some actual concrete tips for helping someone once she reaches out to you, or in preparation for if she does:

Be aware of local domestic violence programs for survivors. There are so many more in my area than I was expecting! These nonprofits work closely (and, often, secretively so as not to become targets for abusers) with local health departments, hospitals, schools, police, EMTs, charities, and businesses. They can do anything from providing housing, food, and clothes to accompanying survivors to court hearings and walking them through the legal process.

Be affirming and supportive. Clearly state that she deserved better, that the abuse wasn't her fault at all, and that she made the right choice in leaving. (Y'all already know all of this, I just want to cover my bases.)

Maintain contact. I'm not going to try to tell you what to say or not say in order to encourage reluctant victims to get legal help; I don't know enough, and every woman is different. But just keeping casual contact is like a lifeline.*

*note: burnout is real for women who have to watch their female friends and family go through shitty relationship after shitty relationship. It's heartbreaking, it's frustrating, and it drains your empathy. Interfering can also put you at risk. I am NOT trying to say that those feelings are unfounded.

you know what kind of language DOESN’T include me? “people who menstruate” or “people with a uterus.”

y'all claim that “terfs” are the ones who don’t account for infertile women, for women who’ve had hysterectomies, for premenstrual girls, for menopausal women, for intersex women. y'all say “terfs” reduce people to their genitals. but the reality is that isolating bodily functions and organs as defining characteristics of a cohesive group of people: 1) actually results in exclusion, 2) actually reduces people to their genitals, and 3) obscures misogyny by pretending issues affecting the female body “affect people of all genders.”

let’s go through some examples of females who may not menstruate/have a uterus/have ovaries/etc:

- a premenstrual girl. not included in “people with periods.” may not currently need, say, access to bathrooms that have sanitary pads. most absolutely needs comprehensive education on her body and how menstruation works for when the time comes.

- a woman with PCOS who’s stopped menstruating. not included in “people with periods.” still in absolute need of research on her female-specific condition because doctors still don’t know what exactly causes it or how to effectively treat it.

- a woman who had an oophorectomy because she had ovarian cancer. not included in “people with ovaries” or “people who produce more estrogen than testosterone.” would maybe still have her ovaries if her male doctor had believed her when she first started to feel pain and her cancer had been treated early on. still has the same hormonal needs as other females and needs to be on HRT.

- a woman who became infertile after having a clandestine abortion. not included in “people who can get pregnant.” would have possibly not become pregnant if she’d had access to education and contraceptives and if we didn’t live in a world where men raping women was commonplace. could have had a safe abortion if women were granted full autonomy over their bodies.

- a girl who was the victim of fgm. not included in “people with a clitoris.” would not have been the victim of fgm if men did not specifically seek to control and punish female bodies.