im really trying to have fewer arguments and discussions in my life lol idk why im addicted to it like it's the only fun thing that exists in the universe
i kinda mostly got over it when i got serious w *** and it's harder w her out of the country for so long. but i realized, if she's a good influence on me, im also an influence on her, good and bad. so it wouldn't be nice for me to succumb completely to my addiction to conflict lol. and then just dump that on her to emotionally regulate us both out of it. so im trying to just moderate it by myself.
but it is weird, like, ok so when is it maybe a positive thing for me to speak my mind. why is it always garbage evil bad girl for me to say what i think politely. i didn't used to feel guilty about it at all. but of course i never liked that it alienates people from me, even if they're not the ones i was discussing anything with. and that always felt unfair bc i didn't have the same discomfort with conflict, so other people had more freedom than me.
and also i think a big reason it's easier w *** around is that i feel listened to and not bored. ultimately i think i need to find a reason not to say what i think whenevah that isn't just that it bothers other people. a reason for myself. idk. it's harc to imagine one hahaha. like would it actually give me more peace on the inside. well maybe. i'll try to figure that out. of course im already aware that you can articulate yourself perfectly and people are still extremely unlikely to agree with or even understand you. idk idk
