talk is cheap

kinda sucks bc at the end of the day i am pretty different from the people around me. and ive been around an extraordinary array of people. i make very different choices and very different mistakes. i have shocking deficits in areas where literally everyone else i have ever known is better than me, and excel in areas no one else i know even gives a shit about. it's very difficult to relate to people. people find me very strange, well, it seems to be true that i am strange. what can i even do. and there's a whole game going on where everyone is kind of lining themselves up by alphabetical last name, and mine is written in sanskrit. or by height and im a crocodile. and ppl say oh well everyone feels that way. well i don't know whether that's true bc i can't read minds and im not a very good guesser. but the empirical evidence, the cold hard facts, are highly unusual. and it's like, this is my life. im trying to live and get along. oh boohoo im sure you're very misunderstood. well, some people out there in the big wide world probably are. like at least a handful. billions of people, there's a top 3% strangest and most misunderstood. could be me. i can't seem to get the hang of it. i despise group projects. communication is a burden. just tell me what you want done, and i'll do it. 90% of the time, the boss is completely unwilling to try that. he's completely certain that it isn't true. he can tell. sometimes i get lucky and they give me one chance. if i do a really good job i get a little probationary period where if i truly am better than everyone else on the entire job, then i get the special privilege of not having to go through the sludgy caustic fart smelling bog of ego and nicety and subtle hints and invisible hierarchy just to pull some fucking wires through a pipe. i keep trying to get better at it. not just the stupid social bullshit but the other stuff i suck at. im always forgetting my badge. wearing the wrong vest on accident. i can't keep track of anything. so obviously i can't handle any serious work, they think. and then they don't give me enough and i get in hot water for not looking busy. cementing my reputation for laziness even as im actively begging for more work to do. they don't believe me, they think it's some kind of sick act or something. or maybe they just don't care and they're too lazy to come up with something, don't trust me enough to just hand me the print so i can read it and go. and this is the best it's ever been. this is the longest ive ever stayed in any career. oh i could just fucking puke. ive had over fifty jobs. i have literally over a thousand college credits towards different degrees that never amounted to anything. im almost 30. ive lived in over a dozen states. ive traveled the world. talk about needle in a haystack. if there's anywhere on earth i could just fit in, i have a better chance of finding a winning lottery ticket in the portajohn