Willows and Wildflowers

Look up, and you’ll find it. 

But first you must lay it all at His feet.

Admit your wrongs. Or admit the wrongdoings done to you.

Pray for understanding.

And pray for forgiveness. 

I never understood people that scoff at the word: Forgive.

Do you realize this is affecting you excessively more than the other?

Do you realize you carry this around like a weight, or a time bomb, or an ailment. 

Forgiveness was given to us -- so we must freely give it to others. 

“Oh, you don’t understand. You don’t know what I’ve been through.”

I bet you I know, and if I don’t know, I can empathize. 

There is nothing you can tell me that would shock me. Nothing. 

God already knows what has happened to you.

He’s felt it. He’s lived it. And He’s carried it with you.

I’m working on my own forgiveness right now. 

Its. Fucking. Exhausting. 

The thing is, I cannot do it alone.

Seek Jesus, and when you have that relationship with him. 

It is so easy. Yes. EASY. 

You get to give your struggles to him and you feel lighter, free, embraced by grace.

I am a Kingdom Woman, and I deserve to be free.

That is what we were all gifted and given.

Does anyone else roll their eyes at this word?

Just me?

It seems like you hear about tolerance, acceptance, and _______ lives matter.

Yet -  we call each other hypocrites, haters, and the offended.

Society is not leaving space for explanation, understanding and patience.

There is no room for the one thing that would bring us together - Love.

I don’t care if I offend you.

People used to ask me this. They would question almost out of disgust. 

“Why are you so happy?”

Now, I know it was probably jealousy, or their own self-doubt reflecting outward.

Somehow, they all made me question myself. 

I started to cover my brightness instead of fan the flame. 

Now - that light has turned to an ember. 

It burns so dim I can only see it on a moon-less night.

One day my optimism was just --- gone.

I’m such a cynic these days; sometimes I’ll say something negative

and I swear I can hear and see that negativity go out into the world.

It floats and lurks until it attaches to someone unsuspecting. 

Girl, I’m trying like hell to get you back. 

Do you have a yearning to write? My soul is often telling me that I need to record certain events in life to remember them later.

My biggest problem is that I am old school. I feel like writing needs to be done pen to paper. 

But with that mentality, I’ve missed out on so many good thoughts, and I can no longer idly let them pass. I need to write more than the thoughts need written -- ink to paper. 

To remember the feeling.

To remember the joy.

To remember the love, heartache, frustration. 

I am growing up, I feel it. Its the weirdest feeling to be changing consciously and yet not consciously at all.

People often say “that feels like a lifetime ago”.... but then why do we complain about life going too fast?

The idea of LIFE is to survive, to learn, to grow, to self improve and improve others.

I don’t always do this but lately I have been so fucking lost in my own head that I forget that Ineed to focus on others.

I've decided to pronounce "data" as "date-uh" not "dat-uh"

The sole reason for this is because, well....

I thought I would share something with....no one, or whoever reads this crazy rambling blog.

I began thinking about all the "major" events that have happened in my life (moves, break ups, my parents divorce), it all seems so futile now. All of those events shaped my decisions, and reactions to life, it gave me standards and opinions and morals. 

Where am I going with this?

Well--have you ever Googled your own name? The white pages is actually scarily familiar. I have moved a few times, so it is not entirely accurate, but it is scary how much the internet knows about you. Still, where am I going with this?

Well, among the thousands of people on the planet, I fell into one with the most freedoms. After a year in Vegas, I was ready for something real, a real kind of love that a congested city like that cannot supply. So among the thousands of people, and from what I have learned from past&failed relationships, I searched for my opinion of the "ideal" man for me. 

After websites, and pages and pages of Christian links... I found him.

What makes this story different than any other love story ever? I couldn't speak to him. All I knew was a shortened version of him name. So what did I do? I looked on Facebook, google, twitter, EVERYWHERE. I had to talk to this man who was supposedly my "dream guy". After a day of contemplation, I went back to Facebook and the white pages. And I found him. First on Facebook, then in the white pages. 

I FOUND HIM.

But that wasn't the best part.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that he is the only documented man with a certain spelling of his name (in the USA at least). I found him because he was different, I found him because he was the only one. 

My southern gentleman is so much more than I could have ever "google" searched for. So with a small idea of what I wanted, and a little help from God (okay a LOT of help), I found the man of my dreams.

Every Monday I post on a discussion board for school. Tuesdays I work. Wednesdays  I work and see my boyfriend. Thursdays I work and think about writing an essay. Fridays I drive to Maine and go to a Youth Worship group. Saturdays I open at work, then go from that job to a pool hall. The time between Saturday and Sunday I write the essay. And Sundays...well...I waste time on Sundays.

TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI

1: What are you wearing? A Beatles Tee and some southern high school's sweatpants, courtesy of a very handsome ex-football player.

2: Ever been in love? Currently. And it is the best kind of love in the entire world. It is the kind of love no one thinks exists anymore. The kind of love that gives people faith in love again. Yes, I am that confident in our love.

3: Ever had a terrible breakup? What breakup is not terrible? If it isn't terrible, were you two sleeping the entire time? Yes. I have had a few terrible breakups. One was the day before freshman year. Another was because I could not stand long distance. And the last terrible one was because although long distance was okay, he was about as deep as a bottle cap.

4: How tall are you? I am tall enough to ride any ride at a theme park. I am short enough to stand on the tips of my toes just to kiss the love of my life. I can see over the steering wheel, but the sun visor is no help at sunset. I am tall when I feel beautiful, and I am small on rainy days. I stand tall in front of God, but I am a child in his eyes. 

5: How much do you weigh? More than a chicken, less than a cow. I guess how much I weigh depends on whose heart you ask. How much do your friends weigh on your heart?

6: Any tattoos do you want? I want to finish an infinity tattoo I have on my back. I want a decorative "this world still has love" quote on my left side. And I want to get one someday, just for the hell of it.

7: Any piercings that you want? Tragus, and nose. When I am skinny, I want under my collarbones too.

8: OTP? Noah and Allie.

9: Favorite Show? How I Met Your Mother, Cartoon Network

10: Favorite bands? Tom Petty, Pink, and anything that hugs my soul.

11: Something you miss? Arizvegas.

12: Favorite song? BRAD PAISLEY - SHE'S EVERYTHING LYRICS 

13: How old are you? 20

14: Zodiac sign? Aquarius

15: Hair Color? Brunette

16: Favorite Quote? Many are destined for great things, No matter how tattered, or hopeless the path may seem.

17: Favorite singer? My boyfriend.

18: Favorite color? tumblr blue.

19: Loud music or soft? Crazy monkey sex or delicate lovemaking. Both, just at different times.

20: Where do you go when you're sad? To a quiet place inside a book.

21: How long does it take you to shower? about 15 minutes.

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Roughly outside of a half an hour

23: Ever been in a physical fight? A girl bit me in preschool for taunting her. Physical fights are for the literally challenged. Words hurt worse.

24: Turn on? my boyfriend's: neck, calves, kisses, touch, and merely the thought of him when he is away.

25: Turn off? bad breath, mention of Justin Bieber, when you are kissing-etc. and something on tv makes a weird noise or a funny joke.

26: The reason I joined Tumblr? It was forever ago, I have absolutely no idea. Online journaling?

27: Fears? Losing Him, My future self won't be as awesome as I want her to be, those creepy all white masks that only have cutouts for the eyes and nose holes...-shivers-

28: Last thing that made you cry? Something Air 1 said. but before that a more monumental one was a Chuck E Cheese commercial... I was on my period.

29: Last time you cried? Well, I teared up yesterday.

30: Meaning behind your url I believe that everyone experiences inspiration. I believe inspiration is a moment in time that stands still and activates ideas that you may never have had if you were anywhere else or doing anything else. Kind of like, you are right where you are supposed to be. In those moments, someone can either acknowledge an inspiration, or disregard it. People that acknowledge are generally very creative. Others that disregard this inspiration, claim they don't have it.  "and then the world stood still" is just a phrase for those moments when you decide what to do.

31: Last book you read? Experiencing the World's Religions

32: Last song you listened to? Eye of the Tiger, Survivor

33: Last show you watched? Newhart with my boyfriend's mom. Cheesy galore.

34: Last person you talked to? Last person I texted: boyfriend Last person I TALKED to: mom

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? I am dating him. He is the man beyond my wildest dreams.

36: Favorite food? The king you put in your mouth that tastes good.

37: Place you want to visit? Bahamas, Arizona, Las Vegas, Carpinteria, CA, Caribbean, Hawaii.

38: Last place you were? Limington, ME

39: Do you have a crush? Nope, I have a love.

40: Last time you kissed someone? About 10 Hours ago.

41: Last time you were insulted and what was it? Something about being mean?

42: What color underwear are you wearing? comfy color-grey.

43: What color shirt are you wearing? white and lacey

44: What color bottoms are you wearing? sweatpants for the win!

45: Wearing any bracelets? no- only bracelet I wear is a hairtie, and it is currently in use.

46: Last sport you played? Ultimate Frisbee, what what.

47: Last song you sang? God gave me You.

48: Last prank call you remember doing? I don't recall. Sad, considering it is April Fool's.

49: Last time you hung out with anyone? About 12 hours ago.