The Inner Workings of my brain

RIGHT YOU LITTLE SH*TS HERE WE GO

I know I'm messed up mentally, I know I'm not in the right place rn but also I know I'm getting better like I'm being proactive in taking care of myself and all of that.

And lately I've been wanting to feel the embrace of a lover

Sounds cheesy i know

Basically in life most people learn to be dependant on others then they learn to be independent- but not me, I learned how to be independent, so much so that my friends remarked on how I was maybe "too independant" and not willing to depend on others (what can I say- I like control) hence my lack of a love lifr

But here's the thing, I knew that I had issues and learning to depend on another meant that they were going to have to deal with it- which was a HUGE no no.

Also I've heard so many stories of people staying with their s/o even though they wanted to break up because of the fact that the other person had a mental health problem and they didn't want to exacibate it if they went through with the break up.

Which as someone who does have a couple of mental illnesses lying about I swear to you be selfish and break up with them, you don't have to carry that burden.

So yeah

I want to fall in love and be loved- but I don't want to be a burden on someone.

Like my issues are my issues

And with this comes marriage and getting married- which is a big deal in Islamic culture but like if things don't work out you don't have to create a whole new religion to divorce (looking at you Henry)

So like in Islam and being married- you don't need to know your spouses past mistakes and sins. If they want to tell you it's chill- but you shouldn't judge them for it because chances are they've repented and they're a much better person.

Of course they could just not tell you and that's completely ok - the past is the past and there's no need to dwell on it.

But I was thinking about me and my recent past and the things I've done, things I'm going to struggle hiding from my family let alone a husband.

Guys I'm turning 20 soon and so it's pretty logical so think about the possibility to getting married and here's the thing- there are things I was to hide and things I don't want people to know.

But like

I have physical visible scarring that's going to need explaining- and it's the sort of thing that probably should be mentioned in the 'talking" stage.

I want a hero who is kind, who is compassionate, who is gentle and right and all things wonderful in the world.

And I want you to let them keep their innocence.

I want to see their surprise when someone does bad - even if it's for the 100th time.

I want to see their sadness when another person in their life betrays them.

I want to see them fumble through social interaction because " I didn't expect anyone to think of me as someone they could fall in love"

I want them to stumble and fall, trip over their own feet and land on their bottom with an "oopsie" and an apologetic grin on their face

I’ve decided to give myself a year.

To do what you might wonder.

To change my life,

No. I don’t expect my life to dramatically change and be this beautiful successful young lady,

but,

I want to get the cogs turning, the wheels churning, I want this year to change me and for me to be active in myself and my life instead of passive feeling like a mere observer in my own life, like a person behind a one way mirror looking on but not able to do anything.

Mentally I still don’t know what’s wrong, but regardless I’m going on this journey.

Fuck you, Fuck this, Fuck me - not literally and no offence/fucks given to you.

This is a lil rant of tiredness.

I feel like I’m behind on my studies, I can barely keep myself awake, I keep saying I’m going to start working out but that never seems to be happening-

I feel like I’m gaining weight- acc scrap that- I KNOw I’m gaining weight, and I cant seem to lose the weight I gained from my binge-eating disorder, which happened right after my anorexic eating disorder.

I cant Bloody Focus- nothing’s working, my brain doesnt want to work, I cant force myself to work.

And I am PISSED

Mainly at myself- a little at the world, because hey big guy up there, I kinda need some good news soon, or else I am going to Bloody LOSE it- big time.

and i dont want to go through it

I’m having panic attacks again- and they’re happening during the day this time- do you know how hard it is to lay still and pretend nothings wrong whilst you can’t breathe, your chest is hurting, and you heart is pounding so hard you swear the people around you can hear it.

I want peace and calm and quiet- Not this raging turmoil thats brewing underneath my skin and spilling out- warning me of a flood in the near future.

I’m angry

Im angry at myself

Because who else do I have to blame for this but myself.

Will admit, this post might get a little bitter....

Chances are if you randomly hit me up just out of the blue via text, typically after months of inactivity over text and maybe just the usual greeting when we bump into each other in daily life....

I will hit you straight with the “what do you want” text, and all the time that I’ve done this, they’ve admitted they wanted something from me.

If you get triggered by the words self-harm and eating disorders- might want to take a rain check on this one...

So one thing I’ve learned about healing is that there are setbacks- much like the cold and cough I’ve had for the past week, there are days which are worse than others...

Right, so in younger years I never really bothered with finding out who I was attracted to, or if I was even attracted to people, in my head it was something to deal with in future.

The future came.

I went to a girls school for my secondary education, so there was no such thing as no homo between girls, and in my primary years I was unpopular so when someone had to act the boys part (because actual boys gave you the jinx (british cooties)) it was always me.

So growing up, and with my natural personality, I was a very “chivalrous” person, always opening doors for girls, letting them go through, offering my arm in the way a boy might, but by the time I was in secondary I knew I preferred boys.

How do I know this

Because I always fell in love with the well written male characters in books and admired and aspired the females.

Of-course my natural gallantry did not go un-noticed, so I did have a few people asking me whether I was gay.

So I thought about it, and said no, I’m not.

But why was I only attracted to males in books, I knew their life-story, their struggles, their character inside out, I’d essentially developed a one-sided emotional attachment to them.

So I didn’t get crushes, I couldn’t look at a picture of a male and determine their attractiveness to me.

For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me, I was a teenager with raging uncontrolled hormones with an idle brain.

Yet I couldn’t feel attraction.

Cue a boy, I’d known for a while, enough to develop an emotional attachment.

I was 16 turning 17 and I finally got my first crush on a guy I’d known for a while.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had an emotional connection like that since

AND THAT IS HOW I FOUND OUT I MIGHT BE DEMI-SEXUAL

, Mentions of self-harm, if you are triggered, please don’t read on...

So this past summer I was doing some self-reflection, well actually, a lot of self-refection, on my mental health

Right, so I think I’ve strongly established that I probably do have depression...

And like,

I’m out here faking my feelings, Its like I know how a certain stimuli should be making me feeling, so I ‘feel’ it, and you know those days when you’re just soo tired of faking it all and you can feel your reactions bordering on theatrics and you just have to like step back and like check yourself.

And honestly it just makes me feel a deep negativity towards myself because look how shallow I’m acting, I’m literally faking my happiness for someone even though I know that without this THIng stifling me and muffling everything that I could possibly feel apart from the most negative of emotions that you end up directing inwards and at yourself.

And sometimes it happens just when you think you’re getting better.

IN this case I’m talking about the romantic love, the love between lovers.

You can be loved by many people, but whats the point if you yourself can’t love in that way.

I’m not talking about finding the “right” person to love, more like if one has the capability to love anyone in that way.

It is scary to realise that you may not have the capability to love someone, not because you lack those kinds of feeling but more you are scared.

From my perspective that love you need to trust, have a natural fluidity with someone.

But

How can I bare myself to someone, how can I bring myself to trust someone with me.

Love requires trust

I am a 19 year old female..

And I struggle desperately to make friends with females.

Really I do

I went to a girls school for 7 years of my life and I can count on one hand the number of female friends I had.

Its not like I’m even attracted to them and can’t form platonic friendships without romantic notions, I mean I’m straight.

But I somehow find it easier to make friends with guys.

And it’s not like I think having female friends is worse than having male friends, in fact the few female friends I did have were great- male and female friendships are different but both great and I wouldn’t pick one over the other.

But like damn is it hard to make female friends, I end up being a sort of acquaintance to them.

like, HOW