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Like a new friend!

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likesplatterpaint

What a privilege it is, to have both labs curl with their backs against my spine and legs

To know that for soft creatures, I am sweet safety

Even though

I am

So very warm

and need to stretch mine leg

likesplatterpaint

Update:

What a privilege it is to have your arm be the resting place of one small furry face

As your leg dangles off the bed

Lifting accusatorily

As you turn like a rotisserie chicken

Only to dissolve in tender kisses

That you would prefer were not. On. Or in. The mouth.

cybermanes

“Are you a dog or cat person?”

Brother I will pet an alligator if it lets me

parkchanwoohoo

The facial expressions of everyone trying not to lose it are killing me

gunsandfireandshit

This is painfully American

dirtbaby2016

Americans be like it is totally normal for an entire stadium (including military members) to stand at attention while a fast food clown mascot sings the national anthem

unstablebill

when we say "it is functionally impossible to parody Americans in a way that will actually insult them" this is the sort of thing you're up against. is your sick burn funnier than corporation burger clown sing national anthem baseball game? no?? of course it isn't.

staypuftmarshmallowqueen

the part where he's clearly a trained singer is mostly just the icing on the cake

"hey do you want to sing the national anthem next week"

"sure."

"the sponsor is McDonald's"

"yeah that's fine. ... wait. I have An Idea."

dambiex

the problem with parents is that they are undiagnosed

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destiny-islanders

she's got aggro

#ffxiv #evercold

argumate

the biggest shock in the Lord of the Rings is not Frodo learning that the ring his uncle left him is the One Ring, nor Gimli discovering that Gandalf survived the fall from the bridge of Khazad-dûm, but Barliman the innkeeper hearing that the dirty old homeless man who used to live in the woods and would come in to bum a beer off him in exchange for a poem had just been crowned king of the entire world.

storywonker

#and if he has any ounce of sense

#the very next day there should be a big-ass sign out front

#saying INN FOR THE RICH AND FAMOUS! KING ELESSAR SLEPT HERE (via @tanadrin)

pocketss

It was important to me that she puts emphasis on the TOK

draconym

My local animal shelter (BARCS) just got an influx of 369 birds from a shitass pet store, which is a truly terrifying number of parrots to have inside a building. BUT: there's a donation drive going on right now where you can vote for a pet's face to go on a beer can for their annual BARCStoberfest. Every single vote is a dollar towards animal rescue!!!

You can vote for your favorites such as Tylenol, El Eiwi Gordito, and Cheese here on their website!

nights-at-crystarium

mom says it's my turn to draw blobslop

how to easily find a fellow xiv fan in a crowd

#ffxiv

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theneonflower

lil’ lord Alphinaud

#ffxiv

brothermouse-skeleton

"Gandalf, buddy? What have you got there?"

"Oh him? That my emotional support hobbit."

"Uh huh. And what he got?"

"That's my hobbit's emotional support hobbit."

"And I suppose those two are also emotional support hobbits as well?"

"No, of course not. Those two are my emotional distress hobbits."

".....?"

"Keeps me on my toes."

beesmygod

i read this to adam and he just yelled, outraged, "THEYRE BABIES"

wonderhecko

TRUE HATERS, SINCE DAY 1 THEY HAVENT BEEN GIVING THEM A FUCKING INCH

beesmygod

this is next level

wonderhecko

20 years later. you're kermit. opening night at the muppet theater. you look up. you can't believe it. those two awful cunts from next door are here. neither of them died yet. they're going to be here, forever.

charlesoberonn

They're immortal.

They were heckling the actors in Ford's theater on the day Lincoln was shot.

They heckled the first reading of the Epic of Gilgamesh.

They heckled the first lifeform to crawl onto land.

They heckled the big bang.

charlesoberonn

"They say that time exists now."

"I can tell."

"How so?"

"Because this show is a waste of it!"

"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

1driedpersimmon

It's time for Virtue to finally talk some more about himself! Hehe!

Tapas: X

#ffxiv

sistertaxon

why are there so many posts about asexuals being immune to sirens. people. sirens don’t lure you in with sex (necessarily). they sing about whatever it is that you want most. they could sing about mothman or cinnamon toast crunch and guess what then your asexual pirate is fucking dead

thesylverlining

this is the only kind of ace discourse i ever want to see on my dash. the only kind. ever again. good job

kittyknowsthings

Do you think the sirens would be grateful that they finally get some variety?

systlin

“Oh my god we can finally just sing about pasta thank the fucking gods.”

totohoy-blog

I’m not asexual but I’m fairly certain sirens would do a far better job luring me into the depths with a song about pasta rather than sex…

systlin

I mean.

“WHAT THE FUCK STAY AWAY FROM THE ROCKS.”

“FUCKER THEY SAID THEY HAVE FETTUCCINE CARBONARA AND HOT GARLIC BREAD OVER THERE HANG ON BITCH.”

musicalhell

This is true; Odysseus heard them promising him knowledge of the future. So the next time you see artwork like this:

Remember those sultry naked chicks are saying “We’ll tell you the winning lotto numbers.”

fuckstaffposts

Them: “We have unlimited wifi at incredible speeds~” Me: *diving headfirst into the water*

rpluvsyj

This post is a blessing

wittyusername97

Congratulations! Odysseus! You’ve been selected as a winner for the free $1000 Amazon Gift Card, Apple iPhone X 256G or Samsung Galaxy S8! Claim your prize now!

kitvalkyrie

Oh my god sirens were literally scam websites

10thingsihateabout-all-yall

Oh my god they were phishing

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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thesuperheroesnetwork

Texts From Superheroes

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great-and-small

Video of a crab where nothing happens

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