adhd is wild

Wow, I am really honored to be here tonight. I'd like to thank high school and my anxiety for making me the person I am today, and I'd just like to be here today. And how could I not thank my adhd. I mean, without you, none of this would be possible.

It was just an honor to even be nominated for this award, but to actually win--*sniffles*--and be recognized for my work, is so humbling. I promise to use this platform to continue my work in the future. Thank you to everyone here at the Internalized Ableism Awards tonight.

*accepts my award for Outstanding Dumbassery in Unhealthy Mentalities and Complexes, before continuing my speech*

Getting to this point has been a bit of a roller-coaster. Looking back, it's funny thinking about how I thought I would never get here, but I put in the work and it paid off. Of course, online learning has really pushed me to do some of my best work in the field. It allowed me to procrastinate a homework assignment I had an entire week to complete in a lecture class I had no motivation to pay attention to. Without that, I would have never been able to start it 4 hours before it was due while watching something, which let me not focus at all on the assignment.

And to think I almost threw all of this away when I decided I should prioritize my sleep and mental health over my grade.

Luckily, the ones closest to me--high school, my anxiety, and my adhd--as well as my training in online learning, helped push me to this point by making me feel guilty because I wasn't overwhelmed with stress and they told that must mean I'm not trying hard enough and that I should feel guilty about that.

So thank you. And thank you to all of you, for creating a societal stigma and general misunderstanding of my neurological condition. I don't know where I would be without you.

So, we all agree, sia is ableist and here movie isn't representing shit and it's not what we want, right? Okay, so here's some ideas I have for stories with neurodiverse representation that, y’know, aren't sponsored by autism speaks and would cast neurodiverse people to play neurodiverse characters and would use the word disabled and wouldn't send the people they're supposed to represent into sensory overload:

A documentary about a group of autistic people who go undercover to shut autism speaks down (added bonus to this idea: autism speaks would be shut down)

Remake of the breakfast club but instead of detention, it's a standardized test with accommodations. (Okay hear me out: it's a group of teens with different conditons/disabilities/whatever who are from very different social groups who have different perceptions of each other and they bond while waiting for the proctor to show up (bc, at least in my experience, they're always late, so there's time to bond) and they also bond during breaks. We'd get some "wait, we're not so different after all" type moments, a we'd get some commentary on the stigma of neurodiversity, we'd get some commentary on standardized testing and standardized testing accommodations. I'd be great.)

A tv show about a young adult who realizes they might have (insert disability here) in their mid-twenties and the show chronicles their journey of maneuvering self-diagnosis as an adult and trying to see how they fit into the disabled community, the specific community for that disability, and their own community. They would learn a lot about themself and their communities throughout the show.

[This one requires a lot of intermediate shenanigans but I feel like someone could make it work] A movie about a special ed teacher with Tourettes who, right before her first day at a new school, gets a tic where she says "fuck the system". She tics in front of her class of disabled students and she scrambles to explain what happens when someone asks what that statement means. Her explanation inadvertently starts a disabled revolution in the school. She's hesitant ar first because it starts with her students just shouting fuck the system and they're like 10, but when her boss has such a negative reaction to the disabled revolution, she fully backs her students. (Also she wears cute Ms. Frizzle skirts)

A comedy about a guy who becomes the subject of one of those viral inspiration porn stories for because he started his own bakery and he's autistic. After he breaks up with her, his adhd ex-girlfriend sends an email to the local new station about him and his bakery to try to get them to write an inspiration porn story about him as revenge and, because she has no impulse control, she sends the email. When the news team first shows up at his bakery, he thinks it's just because his bakery must be that popular. He only realizes what happened after the story is written and broadcast, but at that point it started to get viral. He was going to call the news station to shut the story down, but the story brought his bakery a lot of business. It's funny take on inspiration porn from the perspective of disabled people. (Also, all his friends are disabled in the story are disabled and roast the shit out of him for this.) (Also also, this story takes place in Essex. I don't know why, but it does.)

A story where the protagonist has adhd, autism, ocd, tourettes, dyslexia, bpd, or any other form of neurodiversity and is played by an actor who is also neurodiverse and the story was written by or with neurodiverse people and is not affiliated with an ableist hate group and is story is accessible to disabled people (we ask for so little, and yet, we're still disappointed)

Do you have ADHD? Are you an eligible voter in America? Do you feel like your executive dysfunction is gonna get in the way of you participating in an insanely important election?

I AM HERE TO HELP!

(I am writing on October 27th)

First things first:

MAKE A PLAN TO VOTE!

What your plan should consider/include:

WHEN are you going to vote? Decide on a day [you can either participate in early voting (which is occurring until Monday, November 2nd) or you can vote on election day, which is Tuesday, November 3rd.] Figure out what time you are going to vote. [Assume you will have to wait in line for hours when considering this. I don't know how long exactly because different places will have different times. I think you can just look up: "wait time for early voting" and determine how long you will have to wait]. *Also, look up when polling places near you are open*

WHERE are you voting? Look up "early voting near me" or "where is my voting place" to figure out where you can vote. Additionally, figure out how you're going to get there. (Are you driving or walking or doing something else? How do you get there?).

WHAT'S on your ballot? Yes, obviously the president is on the ballot. But there's other stuff on the ballot too and it's good to know what's gonna be on the ballot beforehand so you don't feel overwhelmed.

WHAT are you bringing with you? If you're dropping off a mail-in ballot, bring your completely filled out and envelope-d ballot, as well as a mask and some form of ID. [the ID is just in case you need it]. If you're voting in person, bring your ID, bring a mask, and (if you want) bring a note sheet for yourself for your voting for (more info on this in the Tips for Voting section).

IMPORTANT THINGS TO KNOW:

In some states, IT IS TOO LATE TO MAIL A MAIL-IN BALLOT. If you have mail-in ballot and you have not mailed it yet, you can drop it off in person. [To be better safe than sorry, I recommend dropping it off in person, no matter what state you live in].

Before you go to the polls, double-check to see that you are registered to vote. [How to do that if you're not sure: search "can i vote" on google. The first or second link should be for some website called nass.org. Click on that link and scroll down to click on the option "voter registration status".]

YOUR VOTE MATTERS, NO MATTER WHAT STATE YOU LIVE IN. People who want you to think your vote won't matter are people who don't want you to vote.

ADHD/Neurodiverse Tips for Voting:

See if there's a neurotypical in your life who will go with you to vote. (Obviously, someone who lives near you and someone you trust). If some of the planning stuff (when, where, how to I get there, etc) is getting overwhelming, you can have them help with some of those things.

Once you have your plan, create reminders for yourself. Use different types of reminders. Put post-it notes with the written reminder on things you use often. Put it on your to-do list. Put it on your calendar. [Whatever you do to remind yourself of the really important things]. Make an alarm for yourself for the day before to remind yourself. [Make the alarm sound/vibration different from your other alarms. (Do this so the alarm doesn't fade into the background)].

If you want to bring notes for yourself to bring into the voting booth, you can! Just make sure it's on a piece of paper and not your phone because some states won't let you bring your phone into the voting booth.

If you know you're going to have to wait in line for while, come prepared. Bring snacks, water, and your meds (if you think you'll need them). Bring your fidget toys or comfort object (if you think you’ll need them). Download some shows on your phone to watch in line.

Make a plan TODAY.

Stop what you're doing and a make a plan right now.

unnndddddeeeeerrrrrrr-ssssstttiiimmmmuullaatttteedddd

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

..must......watch.....comfort....show.....and.....pace.......

can't....sit....and listen....to lecture...any....LONGER!!!!

I need a snack.I need a snack and I need to blast my brain with the high volume sounds of my comfort show.

This is the WORST! I hate it. ihateithateithateitthisisterribleandihateitandiminagonyandihateit.

ANDnowMyBRAINisMovingwaaaaaayyyyyytoofastbecauseitsHUNGRYforstimulation.

[If you ever wondered what understimulation feels like, here is a post I wrote while suffering through some bad understimulation.]

[Now that I look back at this, it's possible this won't be very helpful to someone who wants to know what understimulation feels like.]

[Let me add some details about what I was going through]:

I was sitting in my chair like hen warming an egg, to gain some form of stimulation

I was squirming in my chair (still sitting like a chicken) to make the chair squeak because I needed to hear a different sound

I don't know if you could call it physical pain, but it was definitely a form of pain

School is starting and--whether that means college, high school, or grade school; whether that means fully in-person, fully virtual, or hybrid--it's stressful. Especially for us ADHDers (and our neurodiverse neighbors).

I don't have any general advice right now because I am also struggling. But I can give advice, love, or a simple "that’s rough, buddy" about specific situations.

So, I've decided to try out opening my askbox. I think for now, asks should generally be about school/back to school and ADHD.

One thing to keep in mind:

I am not a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or any type of licensed mental health professional, so I CANNOT tell you if you have ADHD or anything like that.

Black lives matter.

And cops use your taxes to kill people.

And they have for a while.

If you protested/are protesting, hell yeah. Stay safe and stay strong.

If you can't protest, make sure you are doing whatever you can to support those who are.

When I first saw Endgame, I was on my period and it was a very rough three hours. Here's just a breakdown of when I cried and why:

During a trailer for the Lion King remake, which is a remake of a movie I have no nostalgic connection to. I think I cried because I was just like "oh my god, they're lions", not because I have a deep connection with lions, but because they were there.

When the first voice we here from the portals is Sam and then the first people we see are T'Challa, Okoye, and Shuri. This was because I just started thinking about America and the future and how they were the faces of hope. If my brain weren't whacked out on its own hormones, I think I would have just noticed and appreciated it, instead of crying in the movie theater.

When Peter and Tony are reunited. This one is because I have a heart.

When all the female Avengers are in the scene together. That one hit me hard. Again, it was generally along the lines of thinking about the future, but my exact thoughts were along the lines of: "They're women and they're doing stuff. Together." My normal reaction to that in movies is more like "Aw, fuck yeah" instead of crying.

When Peter says goodbye to Tony. This one is also because I have a heart.

The funeral scene. Because I have a heart.

When Happy told Morgan that Tony also liked cheeseburgers, I was weeping. I think it was just because she's an adorable little kid and I could not emotionally handle that fact.

When Steve told Sam that he should be Captain America. This one, yet again, was because I started thinking about America and our future and how far we've come. And, again, I think a hormone-less version of me would have just felt excitement or something else that doesn't make me cry.

The credits with all the photos. I think this was just because I was already emotionally obliterated, so why not cry at the thing that was obviously trying to tug at my heartstrings.

I watched for the third time tonight and cried at all the same parts (except there was no Lion King trailer) and that's when I realized I was PMSing.

ADHD AFFECTS MOTIVATION! ADHD AFFECTS MOTIVATION! ADHD AFFECTS MOTIVATION!!!!

(But not in a lack of motivation=lack of caring=lazy/bad person way. You're not a bad person or lazy, and I know you care.)

Most people's brains work like: "If I do the thing I don't want to do now, then I can do the thing I want to do later and get some of that good, good dopamine and the promise of dopamine in the future is enough motivation to make me do the thing I don't want to do right now."

Adhd brains are more like: "'promise of dopamine in the future'? If I can get dopamine right now by doing the thing I want to do right now, why would I not do that right now? That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard in my life."

What gives our brains motivation and dopamine, you ask? Well, my first answer has got to be "I don't actually know the specific answers to that. I'm not a brain scientist." But then, I would have to list things I've found in my own life and from things people who know what they're talking about have said.

Things that are interesting. Fun fact: the term "tickles your fancy" means "you find it interesting" because it refers to how things that are interesting tickles your dopamine tubes in your brain, which tells them to let out some of that dopamine. (That is not true at all. The basic concept of interesting things giving us dopamine is, but everything else is completely made up.)

Stress. Do we like stress? No, not really. But think about like this: would someone with a million dollars for you outside your door motivate you to leave your house? Yes. But wanna know what would probably motivate you even more? If your house caught on fire. That's how stress works.

Gameifaction. So your brains reward system is broken? Make your own reward system! This can mean giving yourself actual rewards (I'm talking sticker charts, I'm talking candy rewards, I'm talking all sorts of stuff). Or, this can mean challenging yourself to do things in more interesting ways ("how fast can I do this?" "Can I do this without using the letter e?" "Can I do this using only my left foot?"

And that's kinda it. It's really only things that are interesting and stress and different combinations and variations of the two.

*Learns sensory issues can be part of ADHD*

Huh. Well, I don't have any---

*Starts to rethink everything*

Actual footage of my hands:

Actual footage of my hand when I feel understimulated:

Actual footage of me, not being able to keep on any sort of glasses because I hate how they feel o the bridge of my nose:

Actual footage of me layering because I want to feel more weight on my shoulders (in a literal sense):

Actual footage of me hearing bad sounds:

...

Me:

(This post for every single person who has ever met me ever)

Why I'm late to everything

I don't have a good concept of time

I'm highly distractable

I procrastinate A LOT

When I gain some time in my routine, whatever amount of time gets translated in my head into infinite time until I have lost more time than I gained

I have a very bad concept of time

In my head, certain tasks are so short/take so little mental energy that they take basically no time which gets translated into me believing something will take zero time when it, in fact, takes seven minutes

I lose stuff a lot so usually when I have to get ready I have to use some of my time to find whatever I lost

I have no concept of time

I am an anxious person, so sometimes I need to take some time to chill

If the thing I'm late to was scheduled too close to when it's happening, it's on you if I'm late because you did not give me enough time to plan to get ready

I hate being early to things (other than job stuff and most of my classes) because of my social anxiety and would usually rather be late than early (being late means things are rushed enough that there is limited small talk; being early means more small talk)

RSD sucks butt.

For those who don't know: RSD stands for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. What that means is that you overestimate how much people hate you or are *shudder* disappointed in you.

And I know what you're thinking: doesn't everyone have a little of that? Now, I'd like you to remember this reply for the next time you ask that question: I experience a much higher level of that than you, which is not to be dismissive of your experience but I experience this as a symptom of my mental illness.

Yes, RSD is a symptom of ADHD (there is actually debate about whether or not it is a symptom; some people say that it is a symptom because it's part of hyperfixation, while others say it's not a symptom because it is a natural response to repeated rejection due to having ADHD; personally, I think it's actually the bastard child of the two that I am stuck living with, which sucks because I didn't even have an attorney present and the nanny I hired to watch over it turned out to be my anxiety disorder).

Y'know how sometimes you're all like "I'm gonna be so productive and I'm gonna get everything done?" But then the ADHD wins?

I'm gonna be kinda real here but the worst part of that is that you don't know how much to blame yourself and how much to blame the ADHD. Because it really is a combination of the two but you have no idea which one to fault more. And then you're separating yourself from your ADHD which is a whole other can of beans making you face an identity crisis where you're all like "my disability is part of me and I should recognize that" but then also "I am more than my disability" and then it's all about the balance of forgiveness vs accountability and then when you tire yourself out from all of that mental effort, your paper still isn't written.