it cracks me up to see a baby who doesn’t have object permanence… i personally am aware that objects are permanent
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me

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it cracks me up to see a baby who doesn’t have object permanence… i personally am aware that objects are permanent

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Loaf Art
Imagine going to the Oracle at Delphi and it’s one of those days where her brain’s overshot the immediate future so all she’s doing is spouting no context memes.
Some Greek statesman: Great Oracle, will my city survive the attack from the Phoenicians?
Oracle, starring at the wall: They did surgery on a grape
Some poor fuck that’s traveled on foot for five days to get there: Might Oracle, how can I save my family from destitution?
Oracle, face down on the tile: To the left, take it back now y'all
This is quite possibly the funniest thing in existence
Person that had to sacrifice everything to get here: Great and Wise Oracle, what is the reason for my wife’s disappearance?
Oracle, T-posing: This is so sad Alexa play despacito
ok but let’s say she says all the words in ancient greek that makes it “alexa play slowly” and there’s probably a poor girl named Alexa in the corner who’s playing the harp and she exhanges a look with the client and just. plays. sloooooowly.
Imagine knowing Beyonce could’ve been your mother

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delete thoughts
too bad not a single one of them got their mother’s eyes
*feels nothing* mmm, don’t like that *feels something but like, too much* mmm not a fan of that either

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Jay Pharaoh’s John Mulaney impression
Holy shit
That wasn’t an impression John Mulaney possessed him
funny story
when I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to club penguin except it was called Nicktropolis. and if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “what is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password. so I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then i would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “what is your eye color?” (which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids). i would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own account’s. and if it I didn’t want it, i could sell it for money
I love robbery and fraud
Why do people with foot fetishes never win? Because they like the taste of defeat
i am so gentle and kind hearted
and stupid

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lets all drop tumblr right now migrate to linkedin and get this money
so this guy at school has a 3d printer and he’s been secretly selling these
kirbies with legs
and i got mine today
here’s the handmade package
i open it and
oh