asexuality spectrum advice and positivity

I cannot endorse this post any harder than I am doing right the fuck now.

The lack of rules is the point. Pick and choose whatever way for that to look that works best for the two (or more) of you. None of us could figure out a clear definition of what a platonic relationship, or for that matter a romantic one, actually fucking means. That means hey! Finger guns! You get to pick what you want to have in your relationship.

There's a lot of YA books with ace/aro characters. Some popular ones include Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger (asexual main character), Radio Silence by Alice Oseman (demisxual main character), Aces Wild: A Heist by Amanda DeWitt (about an all ace heist team includin both alloromantic and aromantic aces), A Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzie Lee (aroace main character), The Liar's Guide to the Night Sky (aro main character).

For a more extensive list you can also check out the LGBTQ Reads website, which has a section on books with ace and aro rep, including a lot of YA and a few middle grade books too.

Unfortunately, I'm not aware of any non-fiction books or about asexuality or aromanticism directly aimed at minors, or books for younger ages, though if anyone knows of any, please do feel free to share!

so this is an extremely cool resource

the JSTOR article by Catherine Halley

5 Mexican ace people are suing Mexico’s health system for cataloguing asexuality as a psychiatric illness and for having forced them into conversion therapy which had the objective of turning ace people into allosexual (meaning non-asexual) people.

Translation:

Tweet by the organization Colectivo PTF Yucatán (Collective for the protection of all families in Yucatán): “📢 From the Colectivo Para la Protección de Todas las Familias en Yucatán, we will accompany 5 asexual people from the state [of Yucatán] in their recurso de amparo [a writ to protect the constitutional rights of a person] against the Mexican Secretary of Health and other authorities for cataloguing asexuality as a psychiatric illness. #NothingToCure 🖤💟💜 [hearts in the colours of the asexuality flag]

Translation:

ASEXUAL PEOPLE SUE THE [MEXICAN] HEALTH SYSTEM FOR THE CONVERSION THERAPY

Five asexual people from Yucatán have presented a writ of amparo against the federal Secretary of Health and other authorities of the National Health System for cataloguing asexuality as a psychiatric illness. They demand the protocols and internal practises be modified, as well as allowing healthcare, specially the psychiatric services, to access the right to healthcare without discrimination.

Asexuality is an orientation characterised for not feeling sexual attraction towards anyone or the lack of interest in sexual relations. It’s calculated that at least 1% of the population is asexual. This will be the first time that a writ of amparo is presented to defend the rights of asexual people in Mexico.

From the Collective for the Protection of All Families in Yucatán we accompany this law suit in which the plaintiff resorted to the Federal Justice after the federal authorities confirmed to them that asexuality is understood as a psychiatric problem under the National Healthcare System’s framework.

According to the Secretary of Health staff, if a person states that they don’t have sexual attraction towards anyone, first of all studies are done on this person to identify if [their asexuality] has a physiological origin. Once this option is ruled out, they [asexual people] are channelled to the psychiatry staff for therapy. This practise is in fact a conversion therapy, given that it seeks to cure people whose orientation is asexual. The healthcare authorities do not contemplate in their protocols the distinction between asexuality and physiological alterations.

Our article featuring older aces (aces over age 35) is on our site! Read here: https://taaap.org/2021/10/26/ace-week-21-older-aces/ 

As a lot of asexual community building and organizing happens online, it can sometimes feel difficult to find aces who aren’t Gen Z or millennials. Without an image of older asexuality, younger aces may feel lost, and people outside the community wrongly stereotype our identity as a trendy thing for youth. But older aces are out there, and deserve to be seen and heard! Thank you to all who contributed to this article. 

[ID: Two graphics with quotes from the linked article and the heading “”Older Aces”. The quotes are: “ I feel like my very existence can sometimes help shut down exclu’s and haters. If I see a validity fight in progress on Twitter, I can just step in and say, “I’m a 51-yr-old, never-partnered virgin. Care to argue with me whether asexuality exists?” - Camilla. “So many mainstream articles paint asexuality as a thing exclusive to White women in their 20s, and because of that I feel like it’s easier to write off the existence of older aces.” - Bob O’Boyle. “There’s a big ace future out there for all of us.” - Cody.

“At the forefront of the Asexual visibility movement is British Model Yasmin Benoit, who you’ve most likely seen online looking incredible whilst making ace-history. As the creator of #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike, their work often brings light to many asexual misconceptions and shows you that being Asexual doesn’t look just one way. To celebrate Asexual Awareness Week, Yasmin has made history by collaborating with Playful Promises to create the first-ever Asexual theme lingerie campaign!” - Unite UK

What is a common misconception about asexuality that you wish to debunk?

A common misconception that I try to challenge when incorporating activism into my modelling is this pervasive idea that there’s an asexual way to look or dress. It’s a message I’ve received ever since I started being more open about my asexuality - people would say that I ‘didn’t look asexual.’ Because I was a young Black girl, because people thought I looked nice, because I put some effort into my appearance.

There’s this belief that if you’re not sexually attracted to anyone, then it’s either because you’re sexually unattractive and no one would want you, or you should make yourself sexually unattractive, as not to attract any kind of attention. It can be quite a dangerous mentality, because it means that asexual people looking attractive is somehow extra provocative and trigger more aggression in others. This strange, frumpy asexual stereotype can make asexual people feel like they can’t experiment with fashion and express themselves through it the same way as everyone else can. I don’t think your sexual orientation needs to determine the way you dress.

What is the significance of having an asexual lingerie model?

Lingerie is associated with sexuality, it’s seen as being a sex-positive thing and it’s associated with embracing your sexuality. It’s also associated with feeling sexy for other people. I think having an openly asexual model who loves lingerie, but not for sexual reasons, shows the many ways that you can appreciate these kinds of designs. It also includes asexuality within a sex-positive space, which I think is really important, as we’re often left out of those because of the assumption that we have no sexuality, no sexual interests, or that we’re inherently anti-sex.

It’s also really significant for me personally, because queer people - particularly queer racial minorities - are taught to dim parts of ourselves to stay palatable, employable and avoid stigma in our respective industry. Being openly asexual isn’t necessarily going to please everyone or make them want to work with you, it can have the opposite effect. To have the chance to to blend the theme of the asexual flag into the photo shoot for a well-established lingerie brand is amazing. I haven’t seen a lingerie brand ever do that before, so it’s great to be part of a historical moment. I hope it makes other asexual people feel seen and empowered.

How does lingerie help you express yourself?

I’ve always had quite an unusual style, I don’t like limiting myself to anything. Growing up interested in alternative and gothic subculture, I always saw things like corsets, stockings, big boots and things like that as being integral parts of a cool outfit. I also used to be really into video games and professional wrestling, where the women were always wearing something very akin to lingerie and kicking ass doing it. I guess it made me associate those looks with being powerful, and it was something I wanted to incorporate into my own style. So when I wear it, I feel like I’m channelling that energy. Lingerie is the closest thing you can get to a straight-up superhero outfit without going full Comic-Con. Unfortunately, you can’t walk around every day in lingerie but photo shoots give me the opportunity to experiment with it and feel like I’m capable of back-flip-karate-kicking a giant man out of an arena.

What advice would you give to someone who identifies as asexual and is yet to “come out”?

Other people’s reactions to you aren’t a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of what they don’t know. There’s a chance that people will completely get it and accept it right away, and there’s a chance that they won’t do that, but the latter doesn’t mean that it’s hopeless. It takes some people a while to understand. I also recommend that asexual people yet to come out prepare themselves for doing it often, as it isn’t the kind of thing you just have to do once. It can be helpful to have some resources you relate to on hand, as people sometimes understand and accept asexuality more when they can see that it’s a genuine sexual orientation that other people experience, not just a random word you heard on Tumblr one time. Finally, it’s important to know that coming out isn’t essential. You don’t have to share the intricacies of your sexuality with anyone, not everyone is entitled to that information. If you don’t want to use a label or tell people about it, or if you just want to keep it on a need-to-know basis, that’s your right too.

How do you wish asexual people were more included in events such as Pride?

For me, it isn’t just about including ace flags in the corporate side of Pride, it’s expanding our idea of what Pride is and how the asexual experience relates to it. Asexual people have always been part of Pride, we might not have experienced the same systemic oppression as other identities, but we have the similar experience of having a pathologised, stigmatised identity which has lead to us being taught that there’s something inherently wrong with us. It’s something we have to unlearn and Pride is all about embracing the parts of your sexuality that our society has taught us to be ashamed of. I wish that we could expand our understand of queerness outside of who wants to have sex with who and how. That way, there would be less debate about asexual inclusion and it’d happen organically, and people would put the same effort into representing the asexual community as all the others. Personally, I’d love to be able to do what I did in 2019 when I opened the first asexual bar at London Pride without our inclusion sparking questionable think-pieces about whether or not we should be allowed to be there.

Where do you want to see the Ace community in five years time?

I've suspected that I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum but the fact that I still like to play solo makes me even more confused and makes getting into a relationship feel.. wrong. How can I explain someone that "yes, I do it occasionally but no, I'm not interested in doing it with you" ?

Thank you for your time.

Lots of asexual people still masturbate.

Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, not the complete lack of sexual urges or feelings. That is, it's about not being attracted to anyone, not that you can no longer enjoy a thing your body is generally engineered to enjoy.

There are also big differences between masturbation and actual sex. The fact you can enjoy one and not the other really isn't that complicated to understand, though some people like to act as if it was. You can like chocolate ice cream but not chocolate ice cream cake.

You're not betraying anyone or doing something wrong by getting into a relationship and having boundaries. It's important to discuss up front because people have different sexual needs, but that isn't really any different than anyone else's relationship; even if both partners are allosexual, this is a necessary discussion because everyone's got different needs.

But also remember that this means it can be possible for people to reject you because that's not something they can deal with. But again, this is a normal part of any relationship's discussion of this topic! People reject relationships all the time because of differing sexual needs and wants.

So don't feel bad, you're doing a normal thing! This is all normal.

You don't HAVE to use the label asexual. There are numerous, more specific labels you can look into (I believe the LGBTA wiki might have them?). But either way you would be absolutely within the definition of asexual!