“Of course we’re in love, that’s why i tried to shoot you” “if you really loved me you wouldn’t have missed” is such a raw ass line you would think it comes from Goncharov (1973) and you would be right

Jesus christ

Sleep is a super power

the procrastinator’s mind will invent distractions you’ve never conceived of in order to avoid tasks even a dog could do.

I do suffer the american condition of liking to drink huge drinks

Y'all laugh at pretty much any blurry image with dumb text

I hate that I laughed at both

I HATE THAT I LAUGHED WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUR GENERATION

­

using "what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament" to mean "yeah i made an embarrassing reference but you understood it which is also embarrassing" is very funny to me

my favorite part is that absolutely nobody says this except here. so if you use it in public, it's a dead giveaway that you spent the last ten years on tumblr. but then again, they recognized it, which means they were at the devil's sacrament

At a certain point, the appropriate response to "What were you doing at the devil's sacrament" becomes "stealing shoelaces from the president."

Reblog if you were stealing shoelaces from the President

man i hate the allure of a good grilled cheese. you make one and eat it and its so good and perfect, maybe a little bland but in a good way and you instantly think “man that was a really good grilled cheese, im not entirely full yet, maybe i’ll have another…” dont do it. don’t even think about it. it’s the opposite of oreos. you make your second grilled cheese and 3 bites into it you’re so overwhelmed by the monotony. “this isnt nearly as good as the last one” despite being practically identical. The grilled cheese is a sacred food, it must be eaten hot, and quick. A second one only allows you to stew in the memories of the past (your previous cheese) and your nostalgia clouds your mind, creating an epic fail bite in your newest creation of dairy and grain. Show some restraint. 

the pagan origins of the fourth of july

"the education system traumatizes students it deems stupid" and "the education system traumatizes students it deems gifted" are two concepts that can and should coexist.

[Image ID: Tumblr post from che-nya reading: "the education system traumatizes students /End ID]

if you are a parent, or may become one, or you are otherwise likely to arrive in the situation of caring for a child while they eat, promise me this: if a child doesn't like a certain food or food group, you will ask them WHY. and specifically, you will pay attention to either confirming or ruling out "it makes my mouth itch" or "it makes my stomach hurt," both of which are medically important info that children may not provide unprompted. which i know because this PSA has been brought to you by "i spent my entire childhood and much of my early teens eating peas and lentils while wondering why everyone else liked the Violently Itchy Mouth Sensation so much, like were they a bunch of legume masochists or something, before i finally realized that Violently Itchy Mouth Sensation was in fact a sinister demon appearing only to me, and her true demonic name was: Legume Allergy"

Do not let your child suffer from spicy bananas!