Bring Percy and Nico on a road trip, they said. It'll force them to talk to each other and realize their feelings, they said. Yeah well, they were out of their minds for ever trying this, Jason thinks, knocking his head against the door in frustration. If he ever sees them again, he's giving them a real piece of his mind - if he has any pieces left.

The them in question being himself, from about a week ago when he thought this trip was a good idea.

"Well how was I supposed to know the tiny horse was some kind of cursed relic?!"

"Umm Jason follows you into the bathroom to give you a mysterious stone horse - suspiciously identical to the one we saw at the Troy exhibit yesterday -"

"Yeah and then who came in here to look at it?"

"- as a 'gift' with absolutely no context, and you thought there was even the slightest chance it wasn't magical?"

"Well maybe not but it might not've been cursed!"

"It was discovered in a tomb!"

"Doesn't mean it was -"

"In a swamp! In the hands of a mummified corpse!"

A put-out huff and a brief silence. Jason listens, ear pressed to the locked door, momentarily hopeful. Maybe they're finally losing the energy to fight about this...

"I mean, how have you never heard about Greeks bearing gifts?!"

... or maybe the size of the bathroom will keep the collateral damage to a minimum and it'll be easy for Jason to clean up the blood.

"He's not even Greek! And sor-ry if I don't just immediately distrust someone's intentions even though we've been friends for years -"

"Oh for fuck's sake," Jason shouts at the wood, and for once the two of them shut up. Jason takes his chance.

"Look I didn't want to give you a cursed horse! I just can't take it anymore, whatever's going on with you two. Whenever you're in a room together it's like you go out of your way to piss each other off, but then when one of you eventually storms off, the other sits around moping and pining and being all wistful about it, making it my problem and asking every two seconds if I think we should go looking for you! Then you're back together and inseparable for all of a minute before it starts all over again! It has to end, I'm losing my mind, and since one of you enjoys teleporting away from his feelings -"

"I do not teleport away from -"

"Nico has feelings?"

"Quiet! You think I wanted to steal the cursed swamp tomb relic? Of course I didn't want to steal the cursed swamp tomb relic. I'm surprised my face hasn't melted off yet, but honestly? It'll be worth it if it traps the two of you together - and more importantly, away from me - long enough to either kill each other or admit you're in love. I honestly don't even care anymore which one, just figure it the fuck out!"

There's a long silence.

"... damn, Grace. Didn't know you had it in you."

Another pause. When Nico finally speaks, his voice is right against the door, quiet and a little panicked. Jason feels his heartstrings tug traitorously on his resolve.

"Look, Jace, I - I appreciate what you're trying to do, but he doesn't, it's not - nothing has changed and I just... I can't do this, okay? Please?"

"He doesn't what?" Percy asks, from further away. Jason holds his breath.

"Percy, just - don't worry about it."

Movement. Muffled footsteps start and stop.

"No, tell me. I don't what?"

Percy's voice is much closer now. Jason considers praying, but that feels kind of loaded, given what he'd be asking for.

"Well, you don't."

"No, you don't."

A dismissive scoff. Forget loaded, Jason's praying.

Dear Dad, I know it's been a while, and you kind of hate them -

"Oh, is that what you think?"

"I mean, not always, but half the time it's like you can't stand being in the same room with me, Nico, so what am I supposed to think?"

- but if you could grant these two idiots the ability to get a grip -

"Yeah, well, it's kind of hard to take being around you sometimes, when you just, you keep..."

"I keep what?"

- just long enough to admit they're obsessed with each other -

"... you keep leading me on."

"I'm not leading you on!"

"You are! You keep smiling at me, and looking and, and trying to make me laugh, and touching me -"

- it would really make my life so much easier. Uh, thanks -

"Yeah, I know I do, but - Nico, I'm not leading you on."

"Well what are you doing? And Percy, so help me if you make some stupid joke right now - mmfph -!"

- or, amen?

If there was anything else to hear, Jason misses it and he is just fine with that. He's already out of the room, halfway down the hall and pulling out his phone to open his one group chat.