Gurk

not because he's a baby a la classic man cold

but because he will AGGRESSIVELY try to pretend he is not sick

he is trying to gaslight others but ALSO himself

he has a gold medal immune system thank you he did NOT get taken down by ill pikeling spreading Elementary School Plague to him

not happening

as an itty bitty he lied so he wouldn't have to skip hockey, and that has NOT changed as an adult

his true toxic trait is that he WILL be typhoid mary in that locker room if it means he doesn't have to stay home and miss playing

like. no one else on the team understands Hollander Illness Behavior yet, so they're teasing ilya about being overprotective because shane is SO underplaying it and meanwhile ilya is just, "no, i am so fucking serious. get a medic and then call an ambulance."

and shane who is barely on this realm of existence and about 0.2 seconds from having Involuntary Floor Time is just, "don't worry :) i'll just take an advil or something :)"

@nirby-wirby

the idea that ilya was trying to be loving and let shane come to his own conclusions that he was sick and give in to being cared for because they're still early in their marriage and he thinks that's still possible

only for The Appendixing to happen and shane in the aftermath losing his faking it privileges as a result because APPARENTLY his shifty ass will just "no thank you" his own body THROUGH A FUCKING! MEDICAL EMERGENCY!!

@dragoonthegreat

CACKLING

i also feel like part of the problem is that he IS so good. yeah his fever is 102 and he can't really see straight and gravity is applying to him unevenly, but he is still making goals. would that goal have happened if he was at home?? GUESS WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO KNOW.

the idea of the team thinking they can rat him out to ilya (at home on temporary injury reserve) being SO darkly funny to ilya. he WISHES he had the authority to just make shane admit he's sick and rest. you would think someone obsessed with their health in every other way would take illness seriously enough to rest when he needs to.

and shane finds ilya there, hoodie in his hands, frozen in silence. “oh,” shane says, “that’s — i probably should’ve gotten rid of that ages ago.” ilya looks at him then, still half choked, blurts out, “never. you’re never getting rid of it.” and it dawns on shane that ilya must know why he kept it, all those years. the hidden reel of memories they share between them.

“i wore it for days afterward,” shane says, because he can, now. “because it smelled like you, a little. it was almost like — you were holding me, still. kissing me. kinda stupid, isn’t it?”

I think there’s sort of this idea in the fandom that no one assumes Ilya is gay because he hooks up with women a lot but that Shane isn’t so lucky. But I just don’t think any NHL player would suggest that Shane is gay as anything more than a joke.

Shane is the best player in the league. He’s hockey personified. He can’t be gay in these people’s minds. He can’t be. It’s unfathomable. I mean, when Scott comes out in the books, Carter genuinely can’t believe it at first. We didn’t see Shane come out to the Voyageurs in the books, but I personally think they would have a similar reaction (but less kind)

And Shane in particular is likely reduced to a sexless robot in some of their minds because of anti Asian racism. I think his teammates would be reeling, I don’t think it’s ever crossed their minds as a real possibility that he’s been sucking dick for years. He’s Shane Hollander! He just hasn’t settled down because he’s married to hockey…right?

Like I’ve seen people say it’s an insult to Hayden’s intelligence when fic writers write him as having no clue that Shane is gay, that of course he would know, but…HOW? Literally how would he know? There is no framework for it, there is no precedent, being gay in men’s hockey is just not DONE. It’s a non starter

There’s a reason Hayden canonically connects the dots only after Shane comes out to him. Once he knows Shane likes men, yeah, it’s obvious. But before that? I just don’t think these men are considering it at all. They’ve either reduced Shane to a sexless hockey stick in their minds or they assume Shane is sleeping with women more than he is. And let’s be real, they’re much more concerned with how they’re gonna get off than how Shane is

He and Shane have been falling asleep on FaceTime for months while Ilya was curled up tight around a pillow, Shane’s voice in his ear and blurred imagine on his screen as he dreamed of the warmth and smell and feel of Shane under his hands. He’d been looking forward to this for almost three months. Where the fuck was his Shane. Half asleep and frowning hard Ilya tumbles out of his bed, they are at his since it had been a home match in Boston. He scratches at the low of his stomach as he muffles a yawn and with one eye squinted stumbles towards the ensuite. The light is pushing out the bottom of the door and it makes Ilya wince, but his stomach turn hopefully that he will find his shane there.

He pushes open the door, and sees Shane there, handsome and just in sweats stood by the sink, hands under the water because of course Shane washes his hands so thoroughly after a middle of the night piss. Ilya loves him so much, the sight of his back makes his chest fucking ache. The distance between them seems ridiculous. Shane is turning toward him now, eyes half shut, voice a low rumbled sound, heavy with sleep.

“Baby? Wasswrong?” Shane asks, and he’s drying off his hands, half a step towards Ilya before Ilya is already there, arms wrapping around the low of Shane’s waist, squeezing him to his chest to tight it lifts his feet up off the tiles and makes him grunt.

Shane’s hand smooths the back of Ilya’s sleep hot curls and his arms wrap around him and he’s so warm and lovely and strong in Ilya’s arms. So real. Ilya wants to sink his teeth into him.

“Okay?” Shane asks, and he’s tucking his face into Ilya’s neck, rubbing a sleep rosey cheek into Ilya’s neck, jaw, hand massaging at his scalp.

“You were gone” Ilya grumbles back, as if Shane had committed the worst act possible. An act of warfare.

“Had to piss” Shane sighs, nips at Ilyas earlobe.

“Missed you” Ilya whispers, a tiny confession, and he feels Shane’s arms tighten around him, wrapping around his neck.

“Then take me back to bed baby” Shane asks, lets Ilya lift him up, it’s easy, a slide of hands and he’s against Ilya’s chest, hands under Shane’s thighs, walking them back to his bed.

Ilya lays shane on the bed first, climbs in and pulls the covers up up over them and lays himself overtop of Shane. “Stay” Ilya gruffs, an instruction, and bites at Shane’s chin, jaw, shoves his hand down Shane’s sweats and feels Shane’s hand in his hair, slowly combing through, over and over.

“Just like this” shane agrees, fingers at the back of Ilya’s neck. Shane’s heartbeat, strong and steady under his cheek, the smell of him, warm and slightly of sweat, of the soap he’d washed his hands with.

CACKLING

ilya thinking he's soliciting a dick pic just to get a selfie of spaghetti and is just??? what is this weird powerplay?? hollander YOU used the word first.

"okay, now your other snake"

"i only have one"

*ilya facing all of the stages of grief that he still wants to fuck this person so bad*

"yes, i know. picture."

(another picture of spaghetti)

"hollander, send me a photograph of your cock."

Peak comedy if she has a human name and it's long enough before Ilya first hears about her that she thinks they've had a baby and just kept it on the DL.

Love your fics, the rate you get them out is awe-inspiring

first of all: the idea of ilya in the shane/rose era hearing them on a stealth insta video someone took and posted laughing about having to get home to "the baby" and "priscilla is going to be missing us, shane! she's going to wonder where mommy and daddy went!"

(and like. it's SO a joke. rose and shane found this scrawny little kitten on a date, and rose can't have any pets in her rented place in the city, but she's SO clearly in love with this tiny kitten and shane is always dedicated to being the best in Boyfriend Mode, so he offers to let her stay at his house, and she is jokingly named by the rest of the cast via vote and given a hyphenated last name, so she is princess priscilla perky pants hollander-landry.) (rose is her mom, obviously, and shane is the stepdad who stepped up and thus gets to just be called dad.)

and ilya is now running numbers in his head and even MORE crashing out because is THIS why shane ran??? he had a SECRET BABY WITH ROSE LANDRY??????? was ilya the mistress all along???? did they go public after rose secretly had the baby and shane felt guilty???

what the FUCK is happening

ilya truly unleashes a new level of demon

and then even after he finds out that priscilla is a cat and not a human baby, he still isn't safe, because priscilla is a MEAN ASS cat. unfortunately being at shane's house means her socialization was LIMITED, so she is NOT friendly when she first meets people. she's not shy and doesn't hide, but if you sit on her couch before she's decided you can, you'll WISH she was.

BUT she mourns shane if she is away from him.

even shane does not know why this is. he literally doesn't even pet this cat because tbh? slightly afraid of her. but she likes following him around the house and sitting near him on the couch (he IS allowed to sit on his furniture without her express permission) (she is generous enough in her spirit to allow this), and so long as he doesn't ruin their agreement and try to touch her, she will even sit on his lap and purr while he's reading.

but NO touching.

"and the baby?"

"the??? baby?? what?"

"what?"

"what do YOU mean what? what baby?"

"y-your baby...with landry?"

"i have a baby with rose??"

Peak comedy if she has a human name and it's long enough before Ilya first hears about her that she thinks they've had a baby and just kept it on the DL.

Love your fics, the rate you get them out is awe-inspiring

first of all: the idea of ilya in the shane/rose era hearing them on a stealth insta video someone took and posted laughing about having to get home to "the baby" and "priscilla is going to be missing us, shane! she's going to wonder where mommy and daddy went!"

(and like. it's SO a joke. rose and shane found this scrawny little kitten on a date, and rose can't have any pets in her rented place in the city, but she's SO clearly in love with this tiny kitten and shane is always dedicated to being the best in Boyfriend Mode, so he offers to let her stay at his house, and she is jokingly named by the rest of the cast via vote and given a hyphenated last name, so she is princess priscilla perky pants hollander-landry.) (rose is her mom, obviously, and shane is the stepdad who stepped up and thus gets to just be called dad.)

and ilya is now running numbers in his head and even MORE crashing out because is THIS why shane ran??? he had a SECRET BABY WITH ROSE LANDRY??????? was ilya the mistress all along???? did they go public after rose secretly had the baby and shane felt guilty???

what the FUCK is happening

ilya truly unleashes a new level of demon

and then even after he finds out that priscilla is a cat and not a human baby, he still isn't safe, because priscilla is a MEAN ASS cat. unfortunately being at shane's house means her socialization was LIMITED, so she is NOT friendly when she first meets people. she's not shy and doesn't hide, but if you sit on her couch before she's decided you can, you'll WISH she was.

"We've got to get home," Landry says in the video, leaning into Shane's side outside of a chic restaurant in downtown Montréal. "Priscilla needs us. She's wondering where Mommy and Daddy went."

"Poor baby," Shane agrees, and then they get in a cab and the video ends.

So. Shane has a baby. A daughter, named Priscilla (what a horrible American name), a daughter with pretty Hollywood Rose Landry, a baby big enough to be left at home while Mommy and Daddy go on a date. Ilya's seen the X-Squad trailers. Landry's neon blue abs are rock-solid, like she was never pregnant at all. The baby must be six months, eight months, even one year old. Is she talking yet? Was her first word Daddy? Does she smile when Shane holds her, does she laugh when she hears his voice? Is she chubby and sweet, a Kewpie doll with her father's soft brown eyes?

Landry probably doesn't know her boyfriend was sneaking around with Ilya while she was pregnant. While she was on maternity leave. Did Shane kiss her goodnight before he met Ilya in his secret apartment? Did he have an ultrasound picture in his pocket when Ilya tossed his clothes to the floor?

Shane’s indiscretions were his own business. So what, he had a baby? That was fine. People had babies every day. Hayden Pike had, what, eight of them? Ilya could find someone to have a baby with if he felt like it. He just didn’t want to, was all. He was too busy being excellent at hockey. Shane probably wouldn’t be able to relate anymore. Babies took up a lot of time and energy: that was less time for practice. Soon Ilya would have the whole league to himself. He ignored the pinch in his lungs at the thought.

His phone buzzed with a text from MARLY 😎.

lol r u seeing this shit? flashed onto his screen, with a link. Against his better judgement Ilya clicked.

It was a video of Shane, in very plain workout clothes, standing awkwardly in his house. Landry was there. Ugh. Ilya nearly clicked away, until Shane started talking with the tone he used only when he made a joke—why would he be joking at a time like this—

“I’d like to formally introduce Priscilla to the world.” Shane said dryly, and held up—

Oh.

A cat.

A fucking cat.

It was—what was the English word—calico, yes, calico, and very small: its tail was too long for its kitten body and its paws too wide for its legs, and its ears were much too big for its head. It blinked its huge green eyes and meowed, stretching its little legs towards the floor. It was gangly and only half-grown and somewhat ugly and Ilya was so fucking grateful in that moment he nearly passed out.

“Her full name is Princess Priscilla Fancy Pants Hollander Landry,” Shane said. “And she is not a human baby.”

“She’s our cat baby, though.” Landry added, and scratched behind Princess Priscilla’s ears. “She was hiding under Shane’s car all sad and hungry when we went on our second date.”

“We ditched our reservation and went to the emergency vet instead.” Shane said. “If the maître-d’ at Joe Beef is watching this, sorry about that.”

“Please don’t ban us,” Landry joked, and as Ilya watched Shane chuckle at her little quip he felt only marginally less nauseated than he had fifteen minutes earlier. But at least it wasn’t a goddamn baby.

Before he could stop himself he opened up Twitter and typed “next goal I score on Montréal is in honor of new mascot priscilla.”

the idea of shane having a separate small fridge in the garage where he keeps frozen mice for spaghetti, but this means when ilya asks about it in passing while shane is looking for water shoes, he's distracted and just goes, "oh, drinks and spaghetti" and ilya just ??? you have?? freezer just for pasta????? actually no this sounds like a Rule you would make yeah sure why not.

Spaghetti is all curled up and a little stressed out, since Shane so rudely removed him from his favorite piece of bark. But hey, this is nice and warm, and oooh, wow, that's a cave! Spaghetti likes caves.

In less than three seconds Spaghetti has slithered inside Ilya's sleeve. He is standing very still. There is a snake slowly wriggling over his armpit and he is not going to scream because he is So Incredibly Manly. The snake has flickered its tongue over Ilya's chest. He can feel its tiny snake nose poking around his nipple. If this snake bites his nipple he will make Shane sleep on the couch.

The snake climbs up to Ilya's neck and settles in a squiggly-shape on his shoulder, with its head peeking out of his collar. Shane turns around to put the disinfectant bottle away and pauses.

"Awww!" he coos. "You look so cozy!"

"Yes, he is very cozy." Ilya says. His voice is a little high-pitched. "Maybe he should go back now. We interrupted his nap."

"Oh, it's fine for him to be out a little longer," Shane says. "You're warm, he likes you."

"Well, it was rude to disturb him. Probably we should let him rest." Ilya says, trying to dislodge the invader from his shirt. Fucker. It's a good shirt and now he's stretching it out trying to evict a reptile. The things he does for love.

Shane takes pity on him and scoops Spaghetti out of Ilya's collar, then drapes him over a plant and shuts the enclosure door.

"You were very brave, babe." he tells Ilya, and kisses his cheek.

"I was not scared. I am very strong, very cool hockey player. It takes more than a little animal to scare me." Ilya lies.

the idea of this corn snake chilling in the equivalent of a snake mansion is KILLING ME. there are children with less space and enrichment than spaghetti.

also shane at 18 was still making an impression on his team in montreal and knew by then that "hey, i have a snake" gets side eyes he doesn't necessarily want, so only hayden knows about spaghetti on the montreal team, but after he's on the ottawa team, spaghetti comes up because ilya needs someone to understand his pain, and it becomes a superstition that if spaghetti eats his mouse no problem, then they have good luck for the next 10-14 days until he eats again. shane literally get @'d if the team knows it's Spaghetti Feeding Day and he doesn't report in of his own accord.

ilya HATES this superstition. it's not enough that the snake lives in the same house as him where he lays his sweet head each night. now spaghetti is even in the groupchat. he gets ASKED about SPAGHETTI THE SNAKE at his JOB!!!! he has SUFFERED!! more than JESUS!!!