left: âSummer nightâ (1965) by John Koch right: âthink my boyfriend loves my dad more than me tbh..â (2021) by @ambs_xoxoxo
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left: âSummer nightâ (1965) by John Koch right: âthink my boyfriend loves my dad more than me tbh..â (2021) by @ambs_xoxoxo

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TRANSCRIPT:
(Phone rings)
TERRY: Uh, mom? Bonnieâs calling.
GAYLE: Donât answer it.
TERRY: Mom, I can see youâre stressed. Youâre just pouring milk into the dehumidifier.
GAYLE: Ah, shit.
BONNIE (on the answering machine): Hey, Gayle! You must be so excited about your lunch this afternoon. You must also be exhausted with all the cooking that I know youâve been doing. I thought to save you a little time, Iâd swing by with a store-bought pie so you donât have to worry about doing dessert.
GAYLE: A STORE-BOUGHT pie? What am I, from Les Mis? I BET you would like me to serve a store-bought pie at my pristine luncheon, Bonnie, I bet you wouldâoh, I betâoh, I betâoh, oh, I BET youâd like that, Bonnie.
TERRY: Why donât you just use a store-bought pie?
GAYLE: The same reason your father and I didnât have our wedding at CHUCK E. CHEESE, Terry. Because weâre not SLOBS in this house. Itâs just tacky! âOh, yeah, please come over! Enjoy the store-bought pie! And afterwards, letâs have a CHICKEN NUGGET FIGHT.â What you do when you serve a store-bought dessert, is youâre basically climbing out of the trenches, and youâre waving the white flag in the air. Itâs a sign of weakness! Itâs a lazy dessert. If I were to serve a store-bought pie, I would essentially be Robert E. Lee to Bonnieâs Ulysses S. Grant, riding into the Appomattox Court House, handing over my womanhood and passing in my Cuisinshart. Canât you see whatâs happening here? Bonnieâs trying to Shanghai me. Bonnieâs trying to make me look like a dried-up Baba Yaga woman by leaving me with the store-bought. Terry, when you serve a store-bought dessert, it says: âI wanted to have a party, but I didnât wanna actually cook anything, because I was too busy watching The Drew Carey Show in the nude.â
TERRY: Dees-gusting.
GAYLE: Iâve got news for you, BINNIE. Iâm serving the freshest Redwall pie youâve ever goddamn heard of. Golden brown. Crispy crust. Look at the navel, Bonnie. You think youâre gonna find that sh*t in store-bought pie? I cut the umbilical myself. This is a grandmamaâs puppet (?? not actually sure what she says here). This thing would make Ina Garten sh*t himself. We canât cook this baby until ten minutes before company arrives, because Iâm serving this thing PIPING HOT!
TERRY: Thatâs cutting it a little close, isnât it?
GAYLE: Iâm an adrenaline junkie, Terry. I need the rush. But Iâll admit, these are stressful times.
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