Just A Lost Kid

I looked forward to a holiday. A chance to relax from the hectic final year of college. My first freedom from the chains of my abusers. No more responsibilities holding me back. But little did I know, that it was my breaking point. I’ve been putting up a front in order to be a better me. I finally crash and burn.

Someone

I burned. I was burned out. All that was left was ashes. I was lost. I am lost.

Please

All the games I wanted to play no longer looked interesting. All the passion for learning a new recipe only turned in a chore. Dirty laundry, dishes and take-out boxes pile up. Darkness covers my eyes. Headphones covers my ears. I feel nothing. 

Help me

Barely talking. Barely replying. Barely cleaning. Barely eating. Barely drinking. Never out of bed. Always sleeping. I’ve been doing nothing. I’m nothing, just worthless.

Save me

Tears don’t even flow anymore. It’s all too much yet also too little. Why can’t I breathe?  Why is it so suffocating? 

I’m drowning

Why can’t I just do things? Why am I like this?

Everything going dark

“At last I have returned”. The former heiress to the Voltair Dukedom sighed in relief.

Nox Voltair, Royal Protector and aide of the Empress, was on the deck of a sky ship, looking over the land they call home.

They have been on the seas for months on the request of the Empress, Yulia Adestrei. They were tasked to quell the pirate assaults on the eastern border of the empire.

Three months have passed since they have last stepped foot in the capital city of Dicathen, Furdan. Furdan, the royal capital, the city in the skies kept afloat by the large mana stone embedded into the heart of the land. At the center of it is the royal castle where the empress resides. She rose to the throne at the age of 18 by overthrowing her uncle who sided with malignant dark forces. They still remember the event as if it was yesterday.

Arriving at the castle gate and passing the castle guards, Nox walked down the familiar halls of the castle with one goal in mind. They spotted a familiar figure exiting the Empress’ office.

“Royal Protector, welcome back. I take it the mission went well. I didn’t expect to see you again until another week or so ”. A young noble in knight uniform called out to Nox.

“Commander Hillard, good to see you are well. I cannot leave her Majesty’s side for to long” Nox responded with a grin.

The man was Ferdinand Hillard. Commander of the First Royal Knight Order, one of the three knight orders under the direct command of the Empress. A good friend of Nox since the academy days.

“Her Majesty is inside. Please do remind her Majesty to take a break, she has been working everyone to the bone since you left”.

Nox could see the gloom in his eyes. Truly when had this man taken a day off.

“Rest assured friend the Royal Protector has returned”. Nox gave Ferdinand a pat on the shoulder and he went on his way. They knocked on the office door and waited for a reply.

“Come in”. A voice sounded from inside. Oh how they had missed that voice. As they entered, the state of the office was as they expected. Documents piled high on the desk, the Empress nose deep in the document she is reading and the secretary running around organizing documents to their proper location. The secretary looked sucked dry of life. The Empress has surely been at this for quite sometime. He flashed Nox a smile of pure joy and relief and started packing his items.

“Did you forget something Commander?” the Empress asked, pushing her glasses up her nose. It was a rare sight to see the Empress wearing glasses. It usually meant that she had stayed up many nights without rest.

“Have I been demoted from my rank as Royal Protector, your Majesty?” I asked as I bowed to the roller of the empire and of my heart.

“Nox! You have returned early”. The Empress looked up immediately after hearing the voice she lined to hear for months.

“Nox Voltair has returned to duty, Your Majesty”. Nox raised their head and smiled.

“Klein, you are excused” the Empress mentioned to the secretary.

“I shall take my leave, your majesty”. The secretary quickly collected his items and left the figures alone in the office.

Nox walked over the desk and approached their love. They kneeled before her as kissed her hand.

“I returned early for I cannot bear to be apart for longer. I have missed you, my dear Empress”

Nox then looked up, caressed Yulia’s cheek and tucked a loose lock behind her ear.

“And I you, my love”. Yulia cupped Nox’s cheeks and kissed her lover. Ah how she had missed this feeling.

Nox lifted up the Empress and brought them to the couch where they could embrace one another more comfortably.

Nox set Yulia down gently and went in for another kiss only to be blocked my Yulia’s hand on their mouth.

“As much as I would love kissing you till dinner, I want to hear your report”. Obeying the Empress, Nox kissed the hand hand on their mouth and intertwined it into their own.

“I can do both my love for the mission is a success”. Nox replied. They intend to not waste this moment and decided to pepper kisses on her cheeks and neck while reporting their mission.

“The pirates have been dealt with. It was a ruse for me to leave your side. The count of the east intended to send as assassin after you while I was dealing with the pirates he hired. He did not expect that I would destroyed them in matter of hours. I took out his assassins and made him suffer the poison he tried to use to harm you, your Majesty”. Nox ended their report with a snuggle to her cheek.

“Well done. Once again you have protected me from harm. Thank you, Nox”. Yulia caressed Nox’s head and ruffled their black hair a little. It’s a soft as always.

“Anything for you my love. I will always protect you.” Nox’s purple eyes gazed into Yulia’s blue ones before leaning in again for a kiss. This time with more passion. As they broke off to draw breath, Nox couldn’t help but say.

“ I love you my Empress”

I was reading "Five Senses" by MagicalBeans on AFF. It's satzu fic and god damn it painfully beautiful. I am not one to express much but this fic made me CRY. If you like satzu and having your heart shattered go read it

https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1202035

Don't worry there's a sequel to it. I haven't read it yet but it promised fluff so maybe reading it will mend our shattered satzu heart

I've been thinking a lot lately, mainly about her. She occupies my mind whenever there's time. She pops into mind time to time. Why? I don't know. Because of my attachment, desire, loneliness or something else entirely, I haven't got a clue.

I'd say I'm captivated, enchanted almost, as if I was under her spell. Her looks are fine, her personality was cute but by god her smile. The way she laughs, releases all her emotions, ones that I wish I could express. I find her smile to have the most impact on my being. She can make me do anything she wants with that smile. I admit I have done things way over the top just for her on more than a few occasions.

I sound like a romantic, don't I? I don't know why I feel for her or how she hold such power over me. Perhaps it's because of our on-going flirting charade. We did it so regularly it became a habit and habits die hard. We both realized how fake it was, everything is made up and that all of it was a lie. Despite knowing that, we still continue. Perhaps it's because, we both liked the attention the other gave and how dotting one is towards the other. I personally enjoy her possessiveness that comes around once in a while. She acts like a jealous girlfriend, my jealous girlfriend. As if she's trying to say, I'm hers. But that's just me.

Recently, we've reached the point where we'd shamelessly flirt in front of others. It has happened more than twice. Whenever it happens, there's always a fantastic reaction either from me or her. She would either give out an exasperated laugh or call me out and I'd respond the same way. Things between us has become quite intimate if you ask me, from the way we look at each other and how we reach out to one another, is not quite what friends normally do.