#satzu

it would be easier for her to leave without sana seeing, sana had told her the day before, so she followed sana's words to a fault.

perhaps sana wasn't taking it as seriously then — tzuyu was still kissing her and loving her, and holding her until she fell asleep. perhaps sana had thought tzuyu would still come home. 

so when sana woke up without tzuyu by her side, she did not cry. 

//

sana sees tzuyu again at a party after a year of trying to forget her.

sana doesn't try to hide it. she doesn't stop staring at tzuyu over the rim of her solo cup, doesn't stop letting it simmer. 

whenever tzuyu glances over, sana knows she is ignored, not unnoticed. 

tzuyu hasn't changed. she still has a dimple in her left cheek and a tiny tug in her upper lip when she grins. sana recognises her laugh. her hair is darker, shorter; a style sana has always liked but never got a chance to experience until now. she still pretends she doesn't see sana like sana sees her. she still looks like someone sana could fall in love with. 

sana only breaks out of her thoughts when people start cheering. she shifts her attention to the bottle on the floor, glass neck pointed towards her. 

tzuyu doesn't cheer as loudly, which only entices sana more. what game were they playing, anyway? 

“have fun in there!” nayeon drawls. 

right, seven minutes in heaven. 

beside her, dahyun stands up. her feet shift as she waits for sana, patient and polite, and after the nth wolf whistle from chaeyoung, sana finally understands. she stands up, and tzuyu's eyes follow her for once.

sana puts on a charming smile and takes dahyun's hand. “let's go have fun.” 

the closet nayeon has allocated for their little rendezvous is less than appealing, barely exciting. it's her storage closet, and the only spot big enough to fit two people is the one next to the vacuum cleaner. sana wonders for a second how nayeon and mina did anything in here, then remembers how touchy they can get when drunk (nayeon, namely) and decides not to think about it anymore. 

dahyun is frozen in place even as sana tugs her down to sit. there's just enough space for them to face each other, though they have to fold their legs. 

“we don't have to do anything, you know?” sana says, tilting her head sideways for reassurance. “it's a game for drunk people and we're not drunk.” 

dahyun visibly lets herself breathe again. “thank god.” sana doesn't know if she should be flattered or not. “not that i don't want to kiss you, but you're dating tzuyu, so.” 

ah, definitely not flattered. but she can't put her tongue on what else she feels either. bitter, maybe. dahyun was the only one who knew, anyway, since tzuyu never had the guts to tell anyone else. 

that, sana was sure, was shame. 

“oh,” sana says. “we’re not…” her stomach churns at the thought. she's never had to say it out loud before, so the reality of it weighs ever more heavily when she does. “we’re not dating anymore.” 

“oh,” dahyun echoes. she visibly stops breathing again. sana laughs so it stings less. “sorry.” 

“don't be,” sana says. “it would've happened sooner or later.”

“can i ask what happened?” 

sana debates telling dahyun everything, but decides against it for tzuyu’s sake. she was bitter, not cruel. but she is spiteful enough to spit, “i don't know, but if you ask tzuyu, she’ll tell you nothing happened.” 

dahyun stays quiet after that, never one to push. she's very much like tzuyu in that sense — always cautious, deeply careful with her words, but respecting silence all the same. 

dahyun reminds sana of tzuyu a lot. maybe she doesn't have the same dimples or laugh, but her grin is just as bright and hair just as dark, and if sana closes her eyes and tries, it could almost feel like she's talking to tzuyu again. 

once sana runs out of things to distract herself with in the storeroom, she hefts herself up. 

“i think it's been seven minutes,” she announces. she offers dahyun a hand, one that is gladly accepted, then presses a kiss to dahyun's cheek — only long enough for her lipstick to leave a mark. “just in case they push us back in here for not doing it properly.” 

dahyun's cheeks heat to a bright red immediately and sana thinks she's terribly cute for it. if she didn't seem so repulsed by the idea of kissing a friend in a closet, and if sana did actually feel like getting laid tonight, she probably would've kissed her properly. too bad.

at the sight of dahyun's flushed face, their group cheers. 

sana is only looking at tzuyu, though, and when dahyun flashes the stain sana left above her jaw, she expects something, anything — but tzuyu hoots and hollers along like a friend would so sana looks away. 

the rest of their game is less exciting than its name. if heaven is taking shots for seven minutes as they wait for the next pair to be done with whatever they decide to do in that dusty closet, hell must truly be torture. 

it eventually — thankfully — comes to a close when nayeon inevitably passes out on mina's lap, and everyone else is drunk enough to settle down on whatever soft surface they can find to take a nap: nayeon’s room, momo's room, kookeu's bed, even. 

anyone who is still somewhat sober gets the unfortunate job of cleaning up the mess of soju bottles and takeout boxes strewn about the living room, so sana escapes to the balcony. 

she lights a cigarette and takes a deep breath before taking the butt between her lips. she's three draws in before the door behind her slides open, then closes again. 

“sana.” 

sana stubs out her cigarette once she hears the voice.  

force of habit, as much as she hates. 

“you're smoking?” 

tzuyu joins her by the railing. sana wants to make a beeline for the door, wants to run away, wants to gauge her eyes out before she has to see tzuyu this close to her again. 

“no,” she manages. “only when i've drunk.” 

“that's still smoking.” 

sana snaps. “so what?” 

“… sorry.” 

the heat and smoke from the cigarette has dissipated but sana's head is still hot. “what are you doing here, tzu?” 

sana realises she might have a few unresolved matters knawing at her heart when the name slips out. she clenches her jaw, bites her tongue, and pushes past it. 

“we haven't spoken in a while.” 

sana shrugs the chilliness from her shoulders. “what is there to talk about?” 

“i know we're not together anymore, but i still miss talking to you, you know?” 

sana wants to laugh — sana wishes she could laugh. sana wishes she could turn around and pretend she doesn't see tzuyu the way she does. 

“okay. what do you want to talk about?” 

for the first time that day, tzuyu is honest. “did you… are you and dahyun a thing now?” rips the bandage right off, really. it stings disgustingly. 

sana bows her head and throws her half-smoked cigarette off the balcony. she glances over. tzuyu is already looking at her. 

“what, are you jealous?” 

“no. i was just…” tzuyu trails off. sana recognises the way her brows furrow slightly, remembers how it only took her two weeks to notice it was simply what tzuyu looked like when she was trying to find her words. “i was just hoping that you had moved on.” 

from here, sana is reminded of how genuine tzuyu is; how unknowingly cruel tzuyu is. how she dreads it. 

she grabs tzuyu by the collar of her t-shirt, rough enough to startle herself with it even, but she goes through with the motion until tzuyu is dragged low enough to face sana at her height, mouth agape. 

“you can't fucking say that,” sana spits, but then her breath catches suddenly. “you can't say that… like you have any right to care, or that you think i'd want you to care!” 

tzuyu doesn't try to loosen her grip. she holds on to sana's wrist, and she — she listens. she looks at sana, she looks at sana like she does care. she hasn't changed at all, she's still the same person sana fell in love with, so sana cries. 

“i haven't moved on, tzuyu,” she sobs out, chest tightening until she's begging for breath, until her ribs seem to shatter and every broken piece pierces and punctures and pelts. “because — because you promised —” and the tears that she didn't know were welling up are starting to spill now, and she thinks its pathetic; it's so pathetic that she's here and that she's crying and that she's talking and that it only took one sentence from tzuyu. she wants tzuyu to talk, too. “you know what you promised.” 

then she lets go. she snatches her hand back and she crouches down before she digs her face into her palms. she hopes tzuyu leaves. 

she knows if she looks up, tzuyu will be crying too. and she knows tzuyu won't leave. 

“sorry,” she hears her whisper. 

she feels her kneeling down too, and she wonders where tzuyu gets the courage to put her hands on her wrists again, prying gently, but only because sana lets her. 

her next words come slowly, carefully, in the voice sana recognises and loves. 

“you know i still love you.” 

“fuck, tzuyu,” sana croaks. “why are you telling me that?” 

“because i do. but — not in that way, sana. not in the way you want — in the way you deserve, sana.” 

sana wishes tzuyu would shut up. sana wishes tzuyu isn't tzuyu. sana wishes tzuyu doesn't know better, and she wishes tzuyu isn't the same tzuyu who knows they're wasting time and who sana could fall in love with again despite it all. 

“i want you to be happy. and i don't think you would've been happy with me.”

sometimes, it feels like tzuyu knows her terrifyingly well. sometimes, it feels like tzuyu has never known her at all. 

tzuyu still has a dimple in her left cheek and a tiny tug in her upper lip whenever she grins. tzuyu still speaks slowly, carefully, and there was a time when everything she said was law — in sana's eyes, at least. 

right now, on this balcony, happiness is neither here nor there. sana wonders how one person could be everything she loves and hates at once. 

“can you kiss me?” sana asks. to remind herself, maybe, of which is which. 

her eyes burn and her cheeks hurt, but tzuyu is here and she can't bear not knowing her answer. 

tzuyu's brows furrow lightly, so sana takes her temples in her tear stained palms and presses her lips into tzuyu's herself. 

sana closes her fingers into tzuyu's hair, deathly afraid of a pull she knows will soon come. 

all at once, her heart bursts and her lungs collapse in her chest. tzuyu feels the same, tastes the same. she kisses sana just the way sana likes and it's both warming and painful to know that she still remembers. 

sana is still in love, sana is still in love. 

she could say it, she wants to say it, but tzuyu is kissing her, and if sana let's go, she might never get to kiss tzuyu again. 

tzuyu’s cheeks are wet, or maybe just sana’s. 

she kisses tzuyu until tzuyu falls back to the ground; falls back into a rhythm sana can't possibly be more familiar with, one where she's in tzuyu's lap and tzuyu's holding her like a lover would. 

if there's one thing she knows how to do — she knows it the way tzuyu wants it, knows tzuyu perfectly; so perfectly it scares her how she might never know someone else like this again, how she has to forget for the sake of the both of them, or for herself. 

but for now, she remembers, so she brushes her thumb, almost instinctively, definitely knowingly, beneath tzuyu's ear and hears the tell-tale gasp ghosting over her lips, more surpressed than any other time but made nonetheless, felt nonetheless. 

“are you seeing anyone?” there's some sense still left in her. 

“no,” tzuyu bates. “why… are you asking?”  

“i still want you,” shameless, desperate. so pathetic, yet she still says: “is that bad?” 

“i...”

sana has never been above begging, not when it came to tzuyu, really. “it doesn't have to mean anything,” she swallows the lump suffocating her throat and searches tzuyu's eyes. “i just miss you.” 

tzuyu holds her gaze, silent, mulling her next words over. for a second, sana thinks she might miss her too, because she's always known tzuyu perfectly. 

but then tzuyu looks away, and she wipes at wet cheeks stained with tears that aren't her own. 

“i don't… i don't like how you taste after you smoke.” 

sana's fingers slip from their hold. 

tzuyu shifts from under her first and nudges sana off. she does it so gently it's almost cruel. sana lets her. 

“would it matter if i stopped?” 

sana knows the answer. she hasn't picked up a cigarette once since the day she met tzuyu, not until now. 

yet, tzuyu says, “you know it's not about that.” and somehow this breaks sana's heart even more. 

before tzuyu leaves, halfway to the door, sana, from her spot by the railing, tries one last time, “i'm sorry,” to save whatever is left, maybe. “let's forget about this.” 

tzuyu looks back at her, and there are words on her tongue, sana can tell, from the way she purses her lips and hesitates to think thoroughly. then her eyes soften, she smiles her lovely smile, and she says what no one else but the tzuyu sana would fall in love with would say. 

“i would if you could, sana.” 

tzuyu leaves. sana closes her eyes and tries not to cry. 

i am far from satisfied with this, but it had to leave my drafts immediately because i was going mad. angst makes me so so sad, i promise the next fic will be a happy one 🥹 @nr1chaedickrider had been asking for an angsty satzu fic for the longest time, and another anon had been asking for anything satzu since LAST YEAR..,,,, i hope this was somewhat readable,, sorry for the irregular activity lately, i'll try my best to get back into the groove!

there was another baby on their way to their lives. an extension of the love nayeon has impulsively nurtured over the years for jihyo. so, how could nayeon ignore, or even be angry, when jihyo, despite hiding it from her, carried the extension of them? nayeon can’t resist her, and then all it takes for jihyo to make her speak again is the sweet promise that, if nayeon talked to her, she’d receive an even sweeter apology. of course jihyo appeals to nayeon’s weaknesses: her voice drips like honey against nayeon’s ear, and she’s beautiful. dolled up for nayeon, because nayeon deserved it. an hour without hearing nayeon’s voice had been just enough for jihyo to get ready for her.

moving backwards, to when nayeon had deafeningly rushed down the stairs with jisoo in her lap, nayeon was thrilled. she had cried and hugged jihyo tightly then, squishing jisoo between them, and only stopping when their angry baby (she definitely got that from jihyo, nayeon thinks) bit her. the pain was, in no way, felt by nayeon, who was numbed by sheer happiness. still, nayeon pulled away, only so to avoid jisoo from biting her again, as the grown baby’s tiny bunny teeth had already left scars on her before.

it was only after putting jisoo to bed that nayeon suddenly gave jihyo the cold shoulder.

“why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

jisoo is fast asleep at that time, and the both of them were ready for bed. words don’t instantly come out from jihyo at nayeon’s grumble of a question, instead she presses her lips to nayeon’s puffed cheek and straddles her, perching on her lap prettily, because that was what she had promised nayeon she would do. give her a sweet, sweet apology that would make nayeon feel everything — but betrayed.

“should i be honest?” jihyo’s head tilts slightly to the side, like the angle was better to inspect nayeon’s face. it wasn’t, jihyo convinces herself it was, but she was all but preening for nayeon, with her hair down and big, doe eyes staring into nayeon’s. both devilish desire and intrinsic innocence were in jihyo’s eyes — she was beautiful, even without makeup. especially without makeup. nayeon loved to stare at her bare face, instantly fixated on the mole at the center of jihyo’s nose.

“yes. why does everyone know? even soo knew before me!” nayeon grunts, irritated. or she pretends to be — she definitely does, jihyo knows, because nayeon’s hands on her waist are as soft as they always were, showing no signs of imminent anger. nayeon is exhilarated. “it’s not fair, ji, they got to meet our baby before i did.”

jihyo is left out of words then, taken aback. “im nayeon,” jihyo calls. she exhales, the corners of her mouth raising in a subtle smile. “you are so cute.”

as quick as a blink, nayeon forgets about the main topic of their conversation. “well, that’s obvious.” nayeon brags, her ego hitting the sky at jihyo’s smallest praise. instead of rigid, the way her body had stayed when she was aiming for a serious talk with jihyo, nayeon becomes soft, arms readily encircling jihyo’s thin waist. “you fell for me because i’m cute.”

“no.” jihyo promptly denies. that too, im nayeon, jihyo thinks. if jihyo wasn’t ready for something else, something other than the pillow talk — that could happen later — she would’ve told nayeon that she was, in fat, the most incredible person she’d ever met. not to feed nayeon’s already big ego, but because nayeon was, truly, the best person in her life. but the pregnancy hormones were starting to be a bother, and jihyo almost can’t hold herself back when nayeon frowns and her bottom lip sticks out. nayeon was so cute that it aroused her. “i fell for you because of this.”

nayeon groans, not expecting jihyo to palm her so abruptly over her pants. looking down, nayeon confirms that jihyo’s hand was there. she was feeling the tight grip well enough, but looking at it seemed to make the feeling even better.

“ah, that’s a lie!” nayeon pulls away, hands finding support on the mattress, right behind her. the way she poses makes jihyo fall again — because, as shameful as it was, she loved how convinced nayeon was, how much of a show-off she could be, charmingly arrogant on that matter. with a sly smile and her tongue between her teeth, nayeon looked like a dream. “you said ‘i love you’ way before you even saw it.”

“did i?” jihyo asks as she makes her way off nayeon’s lap. nayeon doesn’t have to answer her question, it is nothing but jihyo’s way to dismiss the sudden topic, but as jihyo kneels in front of nayeon, nayeon thinks about many ways she could proudly tell jihyo that her cock was great, but she had definitely fallen for her cuteness first.

the answer never comes out, because soon the very subject of their conversation is in jihyo’s mouth, making nayeon forget once again where they should have been going with their late night talk — what was once a discussion about pregnancy. it doesn’t matter anyway, because nayeon would rather have her cock sucked, keeping her eyes on jihyo’s with rapture as she received her deserved apology.

so far, their youngest baby was doing well, resting calmly in their warm nest, not giving jihyo any trouble. compared to when she was pregnant with jisoo, not a lot had changed. the baby growing in her womb didn’t seem like they were going to be troublesome, and jihyo hoped things stayed like that until the end — she was still prepared for further turbulences, pregnancy was unpredictable, but up to that point, both jihyo and their baby were getting along well.

with pregnancy, some things change for the better, while other things leave jihyo with mixed feelings. if nayeon was already overly protective over her, it gets twice as worse. it’s cute, jihyo wouldn’t contest, receiving nayeon’s calls randomly throughout her days, having nayeon constantly checking up on her, wanting to be sure that jihyo was doing well, that the both of them were doing well. at times it becomes a nuisance: when nayeon forgets jihyo had already been there and that she knew how to take care of herself.

‘so far, so good’ is what jihyo answers as a reflex when she is asked about her pregnancy. the things that bothered her, she kept to herself and to nayeon, though some of her worries were still be sealed for herself only.

it was still too early to tell if her body was going to change the way it did with jisoo. jihyo worried, not about the eventual stretch marks that would appear on certain spots of her body or the weight gain, but about how she would feel when those things became her reality again. she wasn’t prepared for another baby — her body was, jihyo had never felt more whole, sincerely fulfilled with her small family, but the pregnancy was still sudden, and jihyo still had a lot to think about her current situation.

it’s overthinking, jihyo knows, she should be happy, and she was happy. at the same time, small things about their routine start to bother her.

the first time it happens, jihyo is dressing jisoo up for a birthday party, while she herself is wearing what she deemed being rags. the twins had been invited by a friend, and the chances of them going without their best friend jisoo were shallow — it was even better if they could bring more kids, the parent organizing the party had told jeongyeon.

“baby,” jihyo calls, gentle as she brushed jisoo’s hair. to jihyo’s relief, jisoo enjoyed having her hair at a shoulder length, short enough for jihyo not to have a hard time brushing it, but long enough for it to be styled diversely. “will you want pigtail braids or buns?”

jisoo is teetering between jihyo’s knees, standing just like nayeon — unable to keep still. jihyo had tried to convince her to sit down on a chair, with the argument that it would be better for brushing her hair and styling it, but jisoo was full of energy early in the morning. she’d been babbling to jihyo about what she and the twins had been up to at school while still deciding if she wanted her mom’s lap or to stand up and keep swaying back and forth.

“buns.” jisoo answers shortly after being interrupted in her little vent about how kyungwan, no, wannie, had learned how to fish after a camping trip with his moms and beom, and that she wanted to learn too. “why don’t we go camping too? mama told me you used to do that a lot, but you never took me with you!”

jihyo laughs, sensing jisoo’s pout despite not being able to see her face. “we did. you were an even smaller baby back then.”

jihyo wonders if she should break it to jisoo that they couldn’t fish at all. maybe nayeon would attempt to learn if jisoo really wanted it, but there were other activities, easier ones, that jisoo could engage with when they were camping, especially now that she had grown. she’d grown only a tiny bit since they last went camping, but a considerable bit. enough to help on basic tasks.

“can we go again?”

jihyo frowns at what she’s looking at — she could have sworn she’d do a better job with the buns, but while one looked perfect, the other bun wasn’t coming out the way she wanted.

“we can, baby. i bet your mama wants to go too. it’s been so long,” jihyo sighs, knowing that she wouldn’t achieve perfection for as long as jisoo kept standing unsteadily. “can you sit on mommy’s lap, baby?”

jihyo eventually gets what she wants, and jisoo looks like the cutest baby jihyo had ever seen — and the fact that she was her baby had nothing to do with it. even jeongyeon melted when jihyo showed up at the party with jisoo, and she only didn’t squish jihyo’s baby and filled her with kisses because jihyo didn’t want jeongyeon to ruin her hard work.

nayeon wasn’t there with them because she had to work. it wasn’t often that jihyo got a lighter schedule than nayeon, and jihyo wasn’t acquainted with hanging out with other parents. not as much as nayeon was, at least. perhaps she should have let jeongyeon take jisoo along with the twins and avoided the party, because it’s then, when they’re already there, that jihyo realizes that all of the other kids’ moms were terribly well dressed for a kid’s party, while jihyo had barely any makeup on her face and wore the simplest clothes she could find.

that is not what jeongyeon pays attention to, or anyone else but jihyo.

how the moms holding their newborns looked pretty, dolled up even, when jihyo hasn’t thought about ‘looking pretty’ in a while. what shouldn’t be a problem becomes one when jihyo realizes it had been weeks since she last wore makeup, which was something she liked to do, but had neglected because her time was short. impulsively, she had been paying more attention to jisoo, nayeon and her worries to realize that she had been repeating a situation that had already happened — when was pregnant with jisoo.

jeongyeon’s voice takes her back to the party. jihyo, who once had been quiet and observant, stuck in her own thoughts, looks at her friend, who had made her a question.

“for how long do you think she is going to take that bunny everywhere with her?” jeongyeon sounds interestingly curious as she looks at jisoo, who was playing with the twins and the birthday kid.

jihyo’s worries are no longer there when she catches her baby with a concentrated frown, small knuckles squeezing the blue bunny hard by its ears. jisoo was starting to hate losing, indicating jihyo and nayeon’s failure as mothers on that matter, but she looked adorable when she was upset with her scores. memory games have never looked so thrilling as it did when jisoo was playing them.

jihyo smiles, both at jeongyeon’s question and because of jisoo. “until nayeon gives her another bunny.”

it’s christmas when the first week of jihyo’s fourth month of pregnancy is starting.

at the living room of the house of the ims, there was jihyo and jeongyeon, who were both taking care of the decoration. at some point, jeongyeon asks to see how her youngest niece, or nephew, was doing, and so there jihyo was: standing with her (nayeon’s) hoodie lifted up to her ribs, showing jeongyeon her growing (barely) tummy.

“it’s uncomfortably small.” jeongyeon rants, kneeling in front of jihyo, face to face with her bare tummy. she doesn’t touch it, instead inspects it, like jihyo had an odd irregularity, doomed to having small bumps during her pregnancies. the cooing makes jihyo embarrassed and her lower lip puffs out — out of everything jeongyeon could have brought up to poke fun at her, she uses the one thing jihyo can’t control. “are you sure they’re im nayeon’s baby? they’re so shy!”

 “did you come early to make fun of my bump again?” jihyo lets out a huff of an answer, covering her stomach again. she watches as jeongyeon gets up, with an annoying smile, and almost bites jeongyeon’s hand when she reaches for her head, patting it softly, proudly, tender in a way that makes jihyo lose the pout.

“that was one of my goals,” jeongyeon teases. she leaves one last pat at the top of jihyo’s head, like jihyo was a baby cat who had done an adorable thing and deserved praises and pets. she’s like that because jihyo is pregnant, surely. jeongyeon definitely wouldn’t be that soft otherwise. it was not like she found jihyo genuinely cute and deserving of such treatment. “i think you’re becoming an adult, park.”

jihyo crosses her arms under her chest, eyes narrowing as she studies jeongyeon’s face, searching for any hints of sarcasm.

“i’m 30.” jihyo replies, categorically. there is a box with the decoration left sitting on the ground. jihyo kneels and searches for tree ornaments inside the box, and soon golden and white decoration is suddenly thrown at jeongyeon. “do something useful, yoo jeongyeon.”

nighttime arrives along with sana and tzuyu, who were the last guests to make their appearance at jihyo and nayeon’s house.

they didn’t always have their friends around on christmas, but that year jihyo figured dahyun and mina would like to have them around at that date. with that, she also invited the rest of her friends. thankfully, nayeon was too busy with dahyun and mina’s baby to pay attention to the fact that she was, once again, in the same room as minatozaki sana.

“how can she be so calm with you?” dahyun lets out a frustrated noise. kazuha had been irritated since the night had arrived, refusing to eat but pouting at the discomfort of sheer hunger. not even mina managed to get her to feed and they were starting to worry, until nayeon became aware of their problem and solved it as easily as she did everything else.

“she just loves auntie nayeon,” nayeon brags.

nayeon is standing as she keeps kazuha held firmly with one arm, the other guiding a bottle filled with warm milk to the baby’s hungry mouth, cooing at the little sounds kazuha made of content, lips wide as she smiled. nayeon had missed that experience — she thinks about jisoo, remembering the time when jisoo was as small as kazuha, her chest burning when she realizes that she would soon have that again in her life.

“no, i’m serious, unnie, what did you do to make her like this?!” dahyun asks, almost desperately. kazuha looks at her mom while vigorously sucking the silicon material at the top of the bottle that replaced mina as a food source, unaware of dahyun’s frustration, enjoying being held by nayeon so much that she accepted the food.

“i’m just too good, hyunie.” nayeon boasts about her baby whisperer abilities, laughing when dahyun lets her body weight fall fully against the couch, releasing what would be the cutest ‘unnie!’ nayeon had ever heard if it wasn’t for jihyo. “all you need to do is hold her right. as a fluent speaker of the baby language, i can translate what this little girl was whining about to you earlier. it went something like this: ‘mom, quit being a dumbass and hold me like pretty auntie nayeon does!’”

mina laughs, resting on the couch next to dahyun — she’d been quietly watching their interaction. mina earns a frown from dahyun, and in order to make up for laughing at nayeon’s silly antics, she holds dahyun’s hand, kissing her temple softly after muttering a small apology.

“do you want to hold her?” nayeon offers before dahyun gets to sulk, despite not really wanting to let go of the baby in her arms. as kazuha was dahyun and mina’s, the question had to be made, but if nayeon could, she’d gladly borrow kazuha for until jihyo was in labor. 

“won’t it bother her?” dahyun asks, reluctant after spending minutes trying to get kazuha to feed. “she looks so peaceful.”

nayeon shakes her head. “she will be fine. come on, stand up.”

while nayeon busies herself giving mina and dahyun the ultimate baby guide, at another corner of the room, jisoo is distracted with jeongyeon, momo, tzuyu and the twins — much to nayeon’s relief, because jisoo could be jealous when it came to her or jihyo with other kids, unless they were interacting with the twins.

jihyo is talking to sana somewhere else, not joining the others, because sana had questions for her. they were mostly about pregnancy, like sana was trying to get her information from the best person, but jihyo was far from being an expert regardless of having had jisoo and being currently pregnant.

what was once an in-depth conversation about what pregnancy felt like and how it affected her physically turns into jihyo sharing worries about having a depressive episode again. with sana, jihyo can talk about it without being pushed to tell nayeon whatever she was feeling, unlike jeongyeon, who would make jihyo open up. jeongyeon would do it only for jihyo’s best, of course, but sana allows jihyo to talk before she gets to say anything, which jihyo appreciates.

“i’m trying to prevent that from happening,” jihyo explains, trying to find the right words to express what she felt. “i’m not bothered with anything right now, because this time i was able to detect my mistake soon. like, a couple of weeks ago i was getting lazy with things i like to do, so i watched out for that, and i’m no longer forgetting to take care of myself too.”

“so there’s nothing wrong, right?” sana asks, careful as if she was dealing with a bomb that could burst at any second. nobody except nayeon knew what it was like when jihyo was at her worst while pregnant with jisoo, but their friends knew that it had a lot of impact on her. so sana is careful because she’s afraid of the answer she could get. her kind hand squeezes jihyo’s shoulder, as if giving her support, encouraging her to talk.

“nothing is wrong.” jihyo replies, her answer carrying certainty, honest as she speaks. “it’s just hard to think about the past knowing it could happen again. i don’t want to go through that again.”

“you won’t,” sana assures. like a magnet, she hugs jihyo. it’s as protective as when she hugs tzuyu, because that was sana’s way to comfort people. jihyo nods in her embrace, trusting everything sana told her. “it’s normal to worry, but you shouldn’t keep thinking about that. just keep being jihyo and you will be fine. and talk to nayeon. always.”

“it’s hard,” jihyo lets out a whine of an answer. “she will be worried too.”

“that’s what a wife is for,” sana pulls away, with a smile on her face. “better than anyone else, you know nayeon would want you to share what you’re feeling with her. so do that.”

jihyo sighs in defeat, about to say something when she feels a pair of arms around her waist. it was nayeon, of course. jihyo knew by heart.

“do what?” nayeon asks, holding jihyo protectively in her arms.

sana bites her lip mischievously before answering. “leave you and marry me, im nayeon.”

nayeon frowns at that, attempting to let go of jihyo, but jihyo grips nayeon’s arms before she gets to intimidate sana. “jihyo!”

“sana, i think tzuyu is calling you.” jihyo says, ignoring nayeon’s irritated whine. sana winks over nayeon’s direction before she leaves, and only when she joins the other girls does jihyo lets nayeon set herself free. “she was just playing around. it’s christmas, don’t sulk, im nayeon.”

“you let her tease me but you don’t let me fight back.” nayeon mutters grumpily, circling jihyo’s waist with her arms again once jihyo turns around to face her. “you’re lucky i’m madly in love with you, or else i’d be hurt.”

“i am very lucky.” jihyo bumps her nose into nayeon’s. her arms found themselves wrapped around nayeon’s neck the moment she was embraced by her, like it was her body’s nature to be with nayeon in that way. “will you build gingerbread houses with me, unnie?”

nayeon feels like her heart wouldn’t resist and erupt in her chest the longer she stared at jihyo and her big, starry eyes, which blinked adorably to persuade her. the sweet question is followed by a word she hasn’t heard from jihyo in way too long. unnie. jihyo does that on purpose, in order to make nayeon susceptible to be easily manipulated, and nayeon doesn’t attempt to fight it.

“i’ll do anything with you, babygirl.” nayeon relents.

“unnie,” jihyo does it again.

it’s late then and their friends were already gone — nayeon had a hard time giving a sleepy jisoo a shower, and she only did it because jihyo wouldn’t let her baby sleep unless she was clean. as a reward for her hard work, nayeon able to join the jihyo in the bathtub.

jihyo’s back is against nayeon’s front. there’s a silly duck floating on the water of their bathtub because nayeon had mistakenly taken it to their bathroom instead of putting it somewhere else to dry. jihyo was entertained with the toy, so nayeon wasn’t bothered enough to take it out of the water, letting jihyo stare at it as she rubbed her tummy.

the warmth is comfortable — the water is warmer than nayeon expected it to be, and allowing her muscles to relax felt like a prize. having jihyo in her arms made it all better, truly the best alternative to taking a shower by herself.

none of them wanted to leave the cozy place and jihyo didn’t want to disturb their silence, but she wouldn’t be able to sleep unless she spoke to nayeon about a certain topic. so jihyo moves her hands to nayeon’s knees. she’d been sitting snugly against nayeon, between her legs and the tender touch makes nayeon lay a kiss over her head.

“unnie, we need to talk.”

nayeon sighs. the tone jihyo uses leads nayeon to think she might have done something wrong — it’s the same voice she uses when she has to talk to jisoo about her behavior.

“before you say anything, i didn’t mean to snub momo and jeongyeon’s house,” nayeon refers to when they were playing with shaped biscuits and candy earlier, building their gingerbread houses. “i know you don’t like it when i, uhh… teach? these things to jisoo. but they were making fun of our house too!”

 jihyo can hardly stop herself from laughing. what nayeon says takes her by surprise, as she didn’t remember nayeon saying or doing anything bad towards their friends — nayeon had just turned herself in, willingly. but jihyo doesn’t lose her focus.

“it’s not about that.” jihyo reassures. only then, jihyo notices nayeon had tensed up upon her call, because nayeon relaxes once she knows she’s not going to be scolded. “i wanted to tell you…” jihyo stops, and reformulates what she wanted to say. “share with you something that you should know.”

“is everything alright?” is the first thing nayeon asks, moving back just slightly to fix her posture. jihyo lays her head against nayeon’s shoulder, the position too comfortable for her to change it.

“mhm. it is. i figured i should tell you that i was feeling down recently,” jihyo continues. nayeon’s hand on her belly makes her feel safe to say anything — and it’s not like she’d ever not be safe with nayeon, but feeling nayeon that close, protecting her diligently, encouraged jihyo to speak. “i noticed that i was keeping myself busy with work, and jisoo, and you, so much that i was starting to stop doing basic things that i like to do.”

“baby,” nayeon says suddenly, tensing up again.

“it’s not what you’re thinking.” jihyo says in a hurry. she is forced to change her position to sit on nayeon’s lap, because that would be the only way she’d be able to look at her. there was nothing but care in nayeon’s eyes, jihyo observes as she fixes herself in a better position. “i’m talking to you about this because, in the future, i might forget that this pregnancy isn’t everything there is about me. i need you to check up on me, make sure i won’t go back to that place.”

nayeon nods, like she was letting jihyo know she understood her. nayeon was still concerned, her face no longer relaxed the way it was before. “are you sure that’s all?”

“that’s all.” jihyo answers sincerely. “nayeon, i don’t need you to worry.” warm fingers find themselves against nayeon’s neck, thumbs supporting nayeon’s chin, making nayeon look at her. “what i need is for you to make sure i won’t stop being me.” jihyo sighs, frustrated when she can’t find better words to tell nayeon to take care of her. “just… be im nayeon and make sure i’m park jihyo.”

“im jihyo.” nayeon corrects.

“im jihyo.” jihyo gives in. “do you understand what i’m trying to say?”

nayeon knows exactly what jihyo is trying to communicate to her — she will still be worried, that’s how nayeon was when it came to jihyo, but she wouldn’t let her worries consume her. that was just what nayeon was. she made things easy, which was exactly what jihyo needed in her life. someone to look at things from a brighter perspective.

nayeon lets out an agreeing hum. “do not worry. praise the babygirl. encourage her to do the activities she likes.” she makes a list, counting on her fingers the tasks she had to complete starting from that moment.

“that’s a way to put it.” jihyo smiles softly. “i love you, nayeon.”

“not more than i love you.” nayeon mutters, inching forward to kiss jihyo’s lips — she knows that once jihyo pulls away, they’d argue about who loved the other more, so nayeon makes the kiss longer, drowning in the sweetness of jihyo’s lips when there’s nobody (but a goofy yellow duck on the water) to witness it.

“minji.” nayeon says, suddenly, when they’re in bed and ready to bid their goodbyes to christmas. “i want our baby to be called minji.”

jihyo shakes her head in disapproval, her head against nayeon’s chest. the baby bump hardly prevents her from cuddling snugly with nayeon — what jeongyeon liked to constantly remind jihyo was true, it was small, barely noticeable, but the baby was healthy regardless of that.

“no. we already have a ‘ji’.” jihyo argues.

“but i like the ji!” nayeon whines. “how about yunjin?”

“we can have the yun, but not the ji again!” jihyo says, fatally determined. “what about yuna?” jihyo suggests. “wait… why are we fighting over girl names if you wanted a boy?”

“we need to think about two names. so if they’re a girl, i want them to be called either minji. or yunjin. oh, how about kyujin? i like that one! there’s also jiwoo…” nayeon rambles as fast as she possibly can, excited with the idea of collecting ‘ji’s in her life. “if they’re a boy, his name can be just jin! or jinyoung, if we want something more elaborated. woojin is another option…”

jihyo yawns, giving up on her attempt to keep up with nayeon’s blabber.

“now you’re just copying my name. and jisoo’s. jiwoo? be a little original, im nayeon.” jihyo mumbles, closing her eyes after giving nayeon her last reply.

“but i don’t like the yeon variants.” nayeon grumbles, fingers lost in jihyo’s hair as she caressed her scalp. she pouts, knowing it would be hard to convince jihyo to name their baby with the ji as an integrant syllable, but she wouldn’t give up. “just think about how cute it would be if we had a baby ji. you’re my jiji, jisoo is a mini ji, and the baby… are you sleeping?”

nayeon pokes at jihyo’s waist, receiving no answers from jihyo. all nayeon hears is the sound of her calm breathing, indicating that jihyo had, in fact, fallen asleep while she was talking to her. nayeon’s pout is even bigger then — she feels like jihyo is betraying her when jihyo doesn’t hear the things she wanted to say until the end, though it was only her fault, because she could never be straightforward, and jihyo was the only person patient enough to listen to her.