Zaltmane, or whatever

oh my god i almost forgot to tell you all about how, while my dad was visiting, i had an infestation of every single kind of bug in my house that hasn't been a problem before or since. like i'm not kidding i evicted so many creeping crawlies that week and couldn't for the life of me stop mosquitos from stealing my blood, but as soon as he left they vanished. and i mean, sure, there's a perfectly rational explanation, because two people make more mess than one and he has a habit of leaving the windows wide open enough to fly a jet engine through day and night, but i can't help but think how symbolically on the nose it was. the ancestral rot at the heart of my family so gothic it's got ants and flies buzzing around its decaying corpse.

sometimes what we call ghosts are hallucinations caused by carbon monoxide poisoning but an undetected carbon monoxide leak Will kill you for real so you should probably still address the elephant (carbon monoxide) in the room sooner rather than later. many things in life are like this.

"i'm doing this for my wife and kids" justifications are so so so fucking funny like even ignoring the patriarchal arrogance the naked desperation to have an excuse to commit acts of heinous violence and the implications of the family unit as property to be defended and butchered like livestock it's like. if you want a hole to die in so badly grab a shovel and go outside. why are you digging the fucking trenches in our living room man.

my tomodachi life miis are in the process of making their own cylinder building. when i questioned this with michael (who i've deduced to be the leader) he says they want to make it big enough to come meet me 'for real'. don't like that. considering knocking it down and garbling the lingo to put them off. might split them into groups and put them on separate mini islands as well just to be safe but maybe that's overkill

The eye doctor is the most fun doctor you can go to. They never steal your blood. They never make you get naked and put on a paper dress. They're just like, "Can you see these letters? It's fine if you can't, we can fix that." And they don't even spell anything.

i deserve to be an eel. in a crevice with a bunch of other eels. opening and closing our mouths over and over

everyone who reblogged this has joined me in the eel crevice. its a pretty big crevice

oooo we eelin