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“Do you see me as cattle to milk whenever you grow thirsty” was really something

mother please how will we survive the winter

I think when anyone is trying to write a child, start from here because this is EXACTLY how I remember feeling as a child.

I have raised SEAGULLS

I love how we've apparently decided that yes, all vampires Riverdance now.

there's something really fun about how like. according to all Sources i have found many sailors abandoned the royal navy for piracy because the navy was so hierarchical and the officers were given so much power and piracy was the more egalitarian and democratic option. but flint comes from the navy as someone who managed to work his way up to officer and as someone who seems to prefer to function inside those rigid structures, or at least to be most at home there. so even as he is ostensibly fighting for the greater egalitarianism of the pirate world and of progressive values in general it's just not something that he personally is able to value. he doesn't have a democratic bone in his body. he went to the pirate republic talking about kings and wanting to quite literally run it like the navy and tried to fight for that pirate republic while acting like his word was law and every democratic proceeding was an annoying hinderance to his dictatorial rule. it's so good. i like him

The core conceit of Lord of the Rings is pretty funny. You are a twenty three year old in a suburb of Maine. The little bracelet in your grandpa’s attic has an inscription on it that is the password to the world’s entire nuclear arsenal. It is up to you to walk to the only hydraulic press in the world, located in Arizona, before the FBI finds the bracelet, kills you, and enslaves the suburb of Maine you currently live in

Also the 90-year old hobo that your grandpa beat in a rap battle for possession of the bracelet while hiding from the Romanian secret police really loved the bracelet because it was coated in small amounts of LSD and tried to hunt and kill your grandpa to get it back. He was then apprehended by the FBI and instantly gave them your grandpa’s address. Seal Team Six is about to break down your door and shoot you, says your local congressman who can also do cool magic tricks

There's a guy in NY who MIGHT be capable of destroying the codes but won't coz he simply wants to spend time with his wife. So it's up to your grandpa's old friend in rural Ohio to get you the friends capable of finishing the task.

And we must not, at any point, remember the existence of aircraft and ask aloud why we can't just fly to Arizona

We can't use aircraft because the fbi has access to all the flight data how many times do we need to go over this

Hey! Don't forget you brought your BFF who runs a small organic vegetable stand at the local farmer's market and despite your best efforts, your two stoner cousins (one of whom is a minor!) decided to tag along.

Not far from Mount Katahdin you meet a guy who looks like he just finished minimalist through-hiking the entire Appalachian Trail with only the clothes on his back and one (1) big ass knife. Five minutes later you're cursing his preternaturally long legs while scrambling through the woods after him at a pace that would make a gazelle despair.

I absolutely blame Facebook for this shift. Words cannot describe how freaking WEIRD it was in the mid-00s when there was suddenly this popular website where you were required to use your real, brickspace name and encouraged to post photos of yourself. Every single bit of Standard Internet Safety prior to then said that you should never ever ever do either of those.

omg 2005/2006. When all our parents, who had been telling us for YEARS to never use our real names on the internet, suddenly all got facebook accounts and started using their real names on the internet like it was totally normal. Complete mental whiplash. Before then, it was WEIRD to use your real name on the internet. Like, people who did that were weirdos.