conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 83 (masterpost here)
Bruce: -need to tail them while you download the contents of the server, and Red Robin you contact the authorities. i'll see you soon.
Tim: so i'm just the phone guy now, huh?
Dick: i told you to come over to Diamond District and run with me for the night, Red. weapons dealings are always boring.
Bruce, tired: just do your jobs, please.
Jason: where's my favourite boy?
Dick: ...that could mean any of us, Hood.
Tim: *loud snort* how insecure you feeling right now, Nightwing?
Dick: i don't want to talk about it.
Jason: ok baby boy, i need you over in the alley toot-sweet.
Damian: i'm kinda busy on a case right now, akhi.
Bruce: Hood, are you in need of back up?
Jason: no- why do you always assume everybody needs back up all the time? do you not have any trust in your children to handle themselves at any point in their lives??
Bruce: well maybe it's just because my children never contact me unless they need back up and i've learnt to expect it?
Jason, without missing a beat: not true, i hit you up for money like last week.
Bruce, dry: yes, i stand corrected.
Damian: what do you need from me in the alley? Red is being pretty useless tonight, he could go in my place.
Jason: no i need a child your age. i'm gonna go fight this woman in my neighbourhood, and if she brings out her kid to help her in the fight then i need you to take care of him.
Damian: is this the Caroline woman that banned you from your HOA?
Dick: oh my god, that's still going on?!
Jason: she called the cops on me for being 'too loud' despite the fact that she doesn't even live in my building and the night she called to complain i wasn't even fuckin' home because i was in Bludhaven with Dick.
Dick: *cackling* dude this woman hates you-!
Tim: what did the cops say?!
Jason: the cops work for me, Timmers. like, half the local precinct are on Red Hood's payroll and have been around me enough that they've gotten an inkling that 'Todd Peters from apartment 3B' is probably their boss in civilian form. they sent me a heads up that Carol was up to her usual shit and then told me to have a good night.
Tim: man, i really need to get my own territory so i can get dirty cops on my side.
Dick: *sympathetic click* not gonna happen while you're living under B's roof, i'm afraid.
Damian: yeah i tried to accept a bribe from a dirty cop once; Father hit me.
Bruce: i did not hit you, i lightly smacked you upside the head- you really need to stop telling people that i hit you. and can we get back to Hood and this Caroline woman? what's going on, i thought you said you didn't need back up?
Dick: oh he doesn't, Caroline isn't like. a rogue or anything.
Jason, bitterly mumbling: fuckin' might as well be, once i'm done with her.
Tim: Hood's in a civilian battle with a bunch of PTA moms in his neighbourhood that don't like him.
Bruce, slightly hopeful: they have an issue with the way Red Hood runs the alley?
Jason: *cackle* nope, sorry B! they love Hood, they just don't know i am Hood.
Dick: they sent out a Facebook warning about Jason because some kid broke into his house and got hurt in the security measures and they blamed him for it.
Jason: yeah- admittedly hearting the post from the Batman Facebook account probably wasn't a great plan; now they've gotten a massive ego boost and are trying to get an audience with the Red Hood to campaign that i run myself out of the alley.
Bruce: ...all this is because her child broke into your house?
Jason: YEAH IT'S FUCKED UP. WE HAVE A WHOLE-ASS TURF WAR GOING ON OVER HERE. ME AND MY GIRLS AND THE GAY COUPLE THAT LIVES ABOVE ME AGAINST THE ENTIRE HOA AND THIS BITCH'S ASSHOLE SON.
Damian: why are you fighting her tonight?
Jason: well, we figured out a way to attempt to 'settle our differences'. so i'm going to one of the evening HOA meetings with a bunch of my neighbours and me and Carol are going to attempt to have a friendly but public debate about the issue,
Jason: and you know, i figured; hey, Damian's a mean kid.
Bruce, sighing: Hood, don't say things like that about your brother.
Jason: NO IN A- IN A NICE WAY! i want him to back me in this debate so that he can put his skills to use and mentally eviscerate these middle-aged women while i grin in the background and drink wine straight from the bottle.
Damian: god- i- i wanna do that so bad- that's my dream way to spend an evening,
Tim: you're an odd child.
Jason: ok so get over here, the meeting starts in thirty minutes!
Bruce: excuse me, Robin, you cannot just run off in the middle of a case like this. especially not to go bully civilians.
Damian: oh come on, Red can cover for me!
Tim, dryly: but then who will handle the phones?
Bruce: no, i'm not signing off on this. Robin, you're staying with me for the night, and that's final.
*seven seconds of silence*
Bruce, tired: ...what's going on over there?
Damian: you can't stop me if you have no car to catch me with.
Tim, still laughing: he took off in the Batmobile.
Jason, proud: i love that child.
Bruce: oh for- he knows i can track that car,
Jason: AH AH AH- YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T FOLLOW HIM, IT'S DANGEROUS TO HIS IDENTITY. if you bust in as Batman when he's in civilian form talking about the fucking Batmobile, it puts unnecessary strain on your secret identities! for safety, you have to let Damian attend!
Bruce: Hood, you can't just-
Jason, quickly: love you Dad.
Dick: ...genius move by Jason there, gotta admit.
Tim: that's the biggest get out of jail free card i think... in existence. he really wanted to see Damian argue with these neighbourhood moms.
Dick: i mean can you blame him? you saw the kid make that lawyer cry.
Tim: B, you ok there? kinda quiet.
Dick: yeah i'm gonna head over to your guys' area-
Tim: -might have to take over for Batman tonight, i think.
