Your_Radio_Boi

Like all those restless nights where I put aside everything to comfort you and your s*icidal idealizations.

I wrote paragraph after paragraph. Hoping for you to cling onto to at least one word from them. But instead of returning all of the hours, all of the holidays I spent caring for you instead of letting myself grow and be with my family for a moment, I was left with anxiety from your venting.

I now realize. All of those days you threatened suicide, and all of the energy I spent begging you to stay, while I had my own problems. It wasn't you looking for comfort. Or advice. It was you seeking attention. You are selfish. I realize that now.

It has only been 28 days, yet it feels like forever.

I have written you poem upon poem. I have traced my fingers through your hair and smelled your scent too many times. At points when I try so hard to forget, I still smell the faintest aroma of your room. From the clothes you lent me to the hair clip you left in my dresser. I seem to find a trace of you in everything, so perhaps forgetting is a useless task.

I know you were like poison to me, and I was the same for you. But together we were bittersweet. So tell me...When did you become so soley bitter? Frequent messaging shifted to sudden phone calls for favors and late debate. Seeing each other every weekend was replaced by holiday visits. Quiet Holidays. Where you didn't seem like yourself. When I asked about your health, you said, "Life is too exhausting. I would like to sleep." I begged you to stay, I tried to be present, I comforted you every single time you were tempted by the peace of sleep. I put you before my health. My family. My community. My morals, and only a few times was it returned. I stole so many hours of my life to aid you in recovering. And still now, I do not regret any of it. But where was that same energy when I was fading? I never spoke of my pain, yet you never asked about the wounds you could see on my face.

I am not perfect, I am not even close. I do not wish to paint you as an antagonist. You are not. You are just pain buried within me that I am hoping to heal from. Often, the people who love you the most are the ones capable of so much harm. At first sight, you were an angel. And I spoke about you as a descendant of Christ himself. I wrote page after page thanking you for saving my life from the depths of hell. And you were as such. But something shifted over the years we knew each other as well as blood siblings- I still do not have knowledge to this day as to what caused you so much trouble in your mind. I wish even now to abolish it. Whatever it is. It turned you into someone horrid.

You started to use such vulgar and oppressive language. I was left after each phone call with such confusion and anxiety. I could not sleep or eat. I thought: "If my very own sister could not support the scientific morals with which we are in tune, what was benefiting either of our growth?" I pushed that thought away for so long. I would stay up late, convincing myself of false reassurance. "But she said she had changed..She must just be having a hard time. I need to let it go." So let it go, I did. Only to be slapped in the face with the same hurt from before. I took hits over and over and over, and I still told others it was love. It was not love. How could you claim to love me, yet preach the very opposite of love and empathy? On which terms does love exhort such behaviour?

I had to leave. I did not want to. Oh, gods...How much I DO not want to. But deep down, I know it is better for me this way. And I hope you grow to find other people who care about you as deeply as I did. I wish for you to find a person who worships you for who you are. But please, do not disclose the proposal of "change" to another if you do not plan on following through with it. Farewell.

I really miss all of my friends. You see, my parents have restricted me from seeing my friends. Frankly, I'm not so sure as to why they don't want me to see my friends...? My mother has chosen not to talk to me about anything in relation to the actual problem that is forming in our relationship. I'm not quite sure why my mother and father treat me differently than everyone else in my family. No, I have no interest in playing the role of 'the hopeless misunderstood child.'

This isn't a movie, and I'm not the main character, I'm not the side character, I'm not even the actor passing by on screen for the past ten seconds of film. I'm a person. Right now, I'm just typing the facts and hoping someone on here will relate and know that they are valued. No matter what relationship you may have with someone who was supposed to do better.

I love both my parents. They always tell me they do too, but now, I'm having a hard time believing them. If they love me, why do they hate my best friend? Why do they always dismiss my mental health problems in less it's psychically hurting me? Why do they choose to care and listen to all of my siblings except for me? They care about my siblings' perspectives and opinions, why are mine always dismissed as "nonsense."? Am I.....Not speaking clearly enough for you?

Last week, they told me I had to act like an adult when I talk to them. In my head, I was thinking the same thing. You see, my parents are very immature people, I've come to realize. They tend to avoid all conflict as much as possible. As if stuffing the problem into the closet will make all of the issues disappear. As they're child, I should not have to always be the one to initiate all important conversations that have to be discussed.

They have not particularly mentioned how they feel about my other friends, just one of them. Which just so happens to be the best friend I've known and connected with the longest. I don't have the words or the time to even start to explain how much I love this friend. They have changed my life in so many ways. They have always been there for me, even at my worst, and I've done likewise. Our relationship is more than friends but less than lovers. Haha. The thought of us ever being lovers makes me laugh. Firstly, because she is lesbian, and I am a boy, and secondly, we would most likely break up after only a week of dating. Would you believe me if I were to tell you that only a year ago, I was literally crazy in love with her? :/

Like, seriously, what was wrong with me? I mean, the probability of me ever being able to be with her was already impossible with the number of people who also had a crush on her. She's beautiful, bold, confident, she's sweet, but only people who have known her on the level I do would admit that. My family, specifically my parents, have always seemed to love her. She has been through so much with me. We do literally everything together. After she got kicked out of school, that has sort of faded a bit. Which makes me sad.

Whatever dumb family event we had going on, she would be there. Whenever I was bored out of my mind, they would be here, with me. Whenever I had a new idea, I would share it with her, and they would tell me their ideas too. And I would listen. She could listen to me for hours, and I could listen to them for hours.

My favorite memory of them is in September. It was my mother's birthday, and my mom wanted to go get breakfast somewhere, then go out and walk next to the meadow of flowers. That sounds so simple, I know. Right? But something about that day made me so happy. I saw her in that field of yellow flowers, and she was smiling. She was smiling and laughing, and I knew then that I wanted to be her best friend forever. She's such a free spirit. Maybe that makes her stupid; if that's true, then I'm stupid as well.

But maybe....that's what makes her special. She doesn't care what people think. There is something so powerful in that. It's powerful because so many people nowadays build their whole lives around somebody else's opinions of them. That sounds so miserable when I put it like that, doesn't it? That's because so many people don't want it to be true, and they don't want to admit how much that is true.

Dear [email protected]/30/25

People like to believe they have control, when in reality, they are probably struggling to even clock in to work on time.

Being a trans guy in an esteemed private school with petty rich kids and patterned checkered blue uniforms sounds nice, right? Maybe it would be. If everyone actually had a mind of their own. Instead, our teachers choose to indoctrinate all of us with outrageous ideas, then justify their actions with the Bible.

I want you to know I have absolutely nothing against any religion. In fact, I am a Christian myself. Which for some reason shocks a lot of people when they hear I'm also queer. The Bible isn't a crutch for homophobes and transphobes to lean on so they have a pretty excuse to hate. If God is love, and HE loves everyone, why would he care if I was Trans and bisexual? He doesn't care. And don't try and tell me that "There are verses against it in the Bible, though!-"

Let me stop you right there. If you are referring to that controversial verse in Romans, you can already give it up. The word homosexual didn't appear in the Bible until the 20th century, specifically 1946. The original text was from greek word that meant rape.

Now, about Trans people. First off, there actually is not ANY verse in that entire book that says anything against transitioning your gender.

It states what genders they are, but it never says you can't change it. Also, keep in mind that no one chooses to be trans. Trust me, if I had the option to be cis, I would. But that's not how God chose me to be. If God made me, then He knew I would be trans.

― Alice Oseman, Radio Silence

― Alice Oseman, Loveless

― Alice Oseman, Loveless

This is definitely one of my favorite quotes from Loveless. As an aroace person and writer, this book really means the absolute world to me. - @yourradioboi signing off.....

― Alice Oseman, Radio Silence