#exbsf

It has only been 28 days, yet it feels like forever.

I have written you poem upon poem. I have traced my fingers through your hair and smelled your scent too many times. At points when I try so hard to forget, I still smell the faintest aroma of your room. From the clothes you lent me to the hair clip you left in my dresser. I seem to find a trace of you in everything, so perhaps forgetting is a useless task.

I know you were like poison to me, and I was the same for you. But together we were bittersweet. So tell me...When did you become so soley bitter? Frequent messaging shifted to sudden phone calls for favors and late debate. Seeing each other every weekend was replaced by holiday visits. Quiet Holidays. Where you didn't seem like yourself. When I asked about your health, you said, "Life is too exhausting. I would like to sleep." I begged you to stay, I tried to be present, I comforted you every single time you were tempted by the peace of sleep. I put you before my health. My family. My community. My morals, and only a few times was it returned. I stole so many hours of my life to aid you in recovering. And still now, I do not regret any of it. But where was that same energy when I was fading? I never spoke of my pain, yet you never asked about the wounds you could see on my face.

I am not perfect, I am not even close. I do not wish to paint you as an antagonist. You are not. You are just pain buried within me that I am hoping to heal from. Often, the people who love you the most are the ones capable of so much harm. At first sight, you were an angel. And I spoke about you as a descendant of Christ himself. I wrote page after page thanking you for saving my life from the depths of hell. And you were as such. But something shifted over the years we knew each other as well as blood siblings- I still do not have knowledge to this day as to what caused you so much trouble in your mind. I wish even now to abolish it. Whatever it is. It turned you into someone horrid.

You started to use such vulgar and oppressive language. I was left after each phone call with such confusion and anxiety. I could not sleep or eat. I thought: "If my very own sister could not support the scientific morals with which we are in tune, what was benefiting either of our growth?" I pushed that thought away for so long. I would stay up late, convincing myself of false reassurance. "But she said she had changed..She must just be having a hard time. I need to let it go." So let it go, I did. Only to be slapped in the face with the same hurt from before. I took hits over and over and over, and I still told others it was love. It was not love. How could you claim to love me, yet preach the very opposite of love and empathy? On which terms does love exhort such behaviour?

I had to leave. I did not want to. Oh, gods...How much I DO not want to. But deep down, I know it is better for me this way. And I hope you grow to find other people who care about you as deeply as I did. I wish for you to find a person who worships you for who you are. But please, do not disclose the proposal of "change" to another if you do not plan on following through with it. Farewell.

after the first fight, i came back to you.

after the second fight, i came back to you.

after the 3rd fight, i came back to you.

every single time we fight you always say that i make you sob, that i was your everything, and that i tore you to shreds. if i really was your everything, why didn’t you come back? you were MY everything, that’s why I came back. you are so unbelievably toxic in a way that makes me come back to you. you act like you’re above it all, but you’re not. you know you’re not. and i hate that i think about you almost every single day even after 3 months. but you don’t think about me. because contrary to your belief, you were my everything, but i wasn’t yours.

i want you to understand why i left, even though you were the world to me. your deteriorating mental health started to deteriorate mine. i had become cranky because i knew that the friendship i had with you was not something i wanted to have. but i was holding onto the few good memories we had when all that meant in the world was you and me. you acted different around other people, and i was starting to wonder if how you were acting with me was fake. i didn’t like your friends, and you knew it. so to make up for that, you talked about them constantly, and i wondered if you talked about me constantly too. it was so difficult to leave because you knew literally everything about me. you were the person that knew me for me, not for some fake persona. i was scared that you would tell the whole world the bad parts of me, so i stayed. but i couldn’t handle it. my mental state was not well, and you knew it. but you just kept expecting so much out of me that i cracked. i lashed out, and i cut you off.

i still check your socials every day, seeing ehat you’re up to. we still talk now and then, and i can tell you’re playing the victim and villanizing me for the things i said, when the things you said were equally as bad. i have taken responsibility of my actions, but you still haven’t. i want you to understand that what forced me to leave was you. i don’t think you realize how needy you are, and this is your wake up call.

you’ll probably never see this. but if you do, i don’t miss you, just the thought of you. and frankly, i don’t wanna go back to being friends. i miss the idea of being eachothers number ones.