Trapped in one of those bottles with a mini boat

“Do dishes” and “take out trash” both require the use of a spell slot, vs “use phone” is a cantrip, and brother, I am a level one wizard

(clutching my side) ARGH! they shot me!! *Pulls my hand away to reveal pink glittery gel pen ink*

rule of thumb is you do not think about your life on a sunday. that is the devil talking

body positivity can be so hard when ur chronically ill like ‘your body loves you and is doing its best to care for you ❤️’ NO THE FUCK IT IS NOT

doomscrolling thru the weather app

i love finding out what degrees my mutuals have. like what the fuck do you mean you do law? you’re a doctor who blog

The whole "Elvis sighting" thing is hilarious because, like, the first documented career Elvis impersonators began working over twenty years before the guy even died. I wonder why a public figure who has a whole industry of people who look and sound like him would generate an unusual number of posthumous sightings? It Is A Mystery.

dadwallet: a condition in which you let your wallet fall apart and disintegrate without ever considering getting a new wallet

Honestly if you say or do something strange, an employee probably WILL tell all their coworkers about it all day, however they’ll basically never remember it was you specifically and instead just a faceless “customer” amalgamation of every time someone said something to them. Plus you’re giving them enrichment and something to mutually bond over. So really you’re doing an important service by being a little awkward.

worry about it kitten daddy fucked up